Well I've had an email from him... it's not nice...

[JustNeedToTalk]

Well I’ve had an email.  I knew it was coming.

It’s not nice.  Abusive.  This is after 2 months of no contact…...

Basically saying that I’m disgusting and he doesn’t wish me well.  All for outing his affair.  It’s complicated and it wasn’t just the affair his abuse is what caused me to out him.  He's told me I've ruined lives (not his though).

How can a man who was supposed to love you, who made ALL the mistakes say these things to me?
I’m not responding.  I’m not.  Why 3 months on is lashing out at me, hate me all you want, but why lash out, what does he hope to achieve.

[tlc232]

Good evening, JNTT ---  I'm sorry to see this tonight, but believe it to be part of the BPD illness/behavior.  You'll see that this is very common in many of the threads that people have posted.   

He hopes to make you upset -- they seem to want you to be spun up and will do anything to incite it.   I liken it to a 4 year old (really!) temper tantrum and not normal logical thinking.  I tend to think that the angrier they are and more you hear from them indicates things aren't as happy for them as they thought it would be.   

I've also had nasty email and texts and not responding is very therapeutic!    Hard at first, but you see that the ignore is the right choice!   Hang in there!

[JustNeedToTalk]

Good evening, JNTT ---  I'm sorry to see this tonight, but believe it to be part of the BPD illness/behavior.  You'll see that this is very common in many of the threads that people have posted.  

He hopes to make you upset -- they seem to want you to be spun up and will do anything to incite it.   I liken it to a 4 year old (really!) temper tantrum and not normal logical thinking.  I tend to think that the angrier they are and more you hear from them indicates things aren't as happy for them as they thought it would be.  

I've also had nasty email and texts and not responding is very therapeutic!    Hard at first, but you see that the ignore is the right choice!   Hang in there!

Thanks TLC.  Hearing that others have received these too helps.  I am NOT responding.  I know I can't win (not that it's a competition).  I just want to heal.   It's odd as last week he seemed to be painting me white.  He'd unblocked me on everything, and he messaged my friend showing concern for her (a recent separation).  No reaction from either of us has perhaps caused this behaviour in him.  He blocked me again at the start of the week and now this email.

Many say block him.  I don't want to block because I want him to think I'm indifferent.  I'm obviously not.  But I want him to just think his behaviour hasn't and isn't affecting me.  I don't want him to think he has power over my emotions.  I don't know if that is absurd or not.

[tlc232]

That is not absurd at all in my opinion.   I think that the no contact and not showing emotion is the way that I would go (and the way that I am going as well).  When he realizes that life has gone on without him being the ringmaster, it may get a little weird but then realization should set in.    Noting that he particularly wants you to know that you haven't ruined his life but you are damaging other people is pretty telling.   

I used to think that just being honest and rationale (like you would likely do in a relationship with someone who is normal!) would bring things back into focus --- but sadly, it isn't at all.   Time is a healer.  It's been almost 5 mos here and I have gone to no contact for several months now.    It has not been easy at all because the person that I knew for so long -- there is no resemblance of.    It all points to the same behavior of this mental illness though.   

Hang in there!   If like me, you find you have up moments (moments of strength and clarity) and down moments (wondering how you got here and what the truth really was... .sadness over the change), then you are likely feeling a lot of what I am and others here are too.     It will get better!   I read the survivor's boards too and it helps!     

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JustNeed, I'm sorry to hear about that email message, but can't say that I'm surprised.  I agree w/tic232: he's trying to provoke a reaction from you.  I also agree with your decision NOT to respond.  Your indifference sends a message to him.  Don't be surprised if he turns up the flame by sending another email that is even more outrageous than the first.  By declining to respond, you keep the power in your hands.

LJ

[Speck]

Hello, JNTT:

I wholeheartedly agree with both tlc232 and Lucky Jim, and I second what Lucky Jim says below:

By declining to respond, you keep the power in your hands.

That's how you convey indifference. Indifference is one of the goals you mentioned (along with healing). And, in time, you will ultimately actually cultivate indifference towards this fellow.

He can be Angry Pants all he wants.


-Speck

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JNTT,

You've had great advice from the others here.  I just want to ask you if you've thought about how reading this email affected you and what you might do if you receive another in time?

(Something I often repeated to myself when I was far from indifferent: Fake it til you make it!)

Love and light x

[tlc232]

(Something I often repeated to myself when I was far from indifferent: Fake it til you make it!)

Great quote ---  any idea how long this can possibly take?  My face hurts from fake smiling!  : / 

[JustNeedToTalk]

you guys are awesome.  Speck I love you "Angry Pants" comment.

Lucky Jim - I fully expect to hear from him again.  Me not responding will fuel more anger in him, I know it's only a matter of time.  And I think I'm preparing myself for this.  TBH I think I would rather have the abuse right now than any apology.  As we know these people are very charismatic and his chameleon mirroring techniques scare the sh!t out of me, I'm not strong enough yet to say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't fall for his charm again.  Having this forum and talking on here helps me to prepare for future contact.  I'm so grateful.  And you are right, by not responding I keep the power in my hands.  What can be achieved from these people with a response, more anger, accusations, they seem to forget everything we done for them, only to the spat out in an instance.

tcl232 thanks I agree with the childlike behaviour, you can't communicate with these people, not anymore, not now I know what he is.  And you're right, every time I have had contact it's obviously because he is in a bad place.

AND... .over the weekend I discovered their smear campaign against me (this woman he had affair with) is continuing.  But Wow it was so enlightening to discover that not one person believes them and I actually had people approach me at a party, people I have avoided over the past few months, say that they think what he (they) done to me was disgusting.  WOW just WOW!

I'm just waiting to see what this next week will bring.  Something tells me something will kick off.  As rumours are rife (unbeknown to me until the weekend as I have been keeping a very low profile.

Thanks again JNTT x

[JustNeedToTalk]

Great quote ---  any idea how long this can possibly take?  My face hurts from fake smiling!  : / 

I think we're all different, but I know each day I am getting stronger.  And allowing ourselves to heal properly will only make for the next relationship to be real and better.  Not allow us to get sucked in to any BP traits ever again.  Strong enough to notice the signs.

"Learn how to put your goals before your feelings.  Chasing love will leave you broke and unfocused".  That's what happened to me... .that's why I am in this mess.  I chased the love and ignored the signs.

JNTT

[Speck]

JNTT,

It's great to hear such a positive update from you.

I think we're all different, but I know each day I am getting stronger. And allowing ourselves to heal properly will only make for the next relationship to be real and better. Not allow us to get sucked into any BP traits ever again. Strong enough to notice the signs.

I am so glad that you are maintaining a path that is true to taking care of the values that are dear to YOU. Although I know there are moments of great sadness, you are doing great!

Keep writing, keep processing.


-Speck

[JustNeedToTalk]

Thanks Speck.  I’m a little confused as to what to expect next from him?  Anyone any ideas?  I'm trying to prepare.  Blocked on some things, unblocked on others.  Nice messages to my friends after two months no contact.  Then when he doesn’t get a reaction from anyone, I receive an abusive email telling me I’m disgusting and he will never wish me well.  That is horrible.  I hate that he can say these things to me.  That he feels this way about me.  But you are right I need to stay strong and remain NC.

Each day is like a ticking time bomb.  But somehow I refuse to block him.  I don't want him knowing he has that power.

[Speck]

Hey, JNTT!

I’m a little confused as to what to expect next from him?  Anyone any ideas?

More Mr. Angry Pants.

Then when he doesn’t get a reaction from anyone, I receive an abusive email telling me I’m disgusting and he will never wish me well.  That is horrible.  I hate that he can say these things to me.  That he feels this way about me.

I know. It is tough and extremely hurtful to be regarded so poorly by those we love. But, remember, those sentiments are in the category of His Stuff. Feelings are not reality. That abusive email was hateful and unnecessary. That is all.

But you are right I need to stay strong and remain NC.

If you feel that maintaining NC is helpful and healthy for you, then, absolutely do what is best for you.

Each day is like a ticking time bomb. But somehow I refuse to block him. I don't want him knowing he has that power.

Well, what if you were to block him for your own sense of privacy, for your own regard? And to hell with however that sits with him? Disengaging, detaching is about letting go and getting on with matters that only concern you. Wondering about his next move is understandable, especially since he has shown himself to so easily emanate hostility towards you, but wouldn't blocking him also communicate to him that he's no longer invited into your world? I would think that doing so would translate into YOU actually having the power.

Just a thought... .


-Speck

[JustNeedToTalk]

I can’t bring myself to block him. I want to. But it feels like a reaction to his block and unblock. Plus I think the more unhinged rubbish I hear the better. I know that sounds pathetic!

[Speck]

JNTT:

It's great to hear an update from you.

I can’t bring myself to block him. I want to. But it feels like a reaction to his block and unblock. Plus I think the more unhinged rubbish I hear the better. I know that sounds pathetic!

Not at all! I trust that you know best what you need to do for you.

But, I do think that eventually pulling away from the drama of his world will help you emotionally detach more surely.


-Speck

[tlc232]

Good evening, JNTT and Speck!

I think I understand what JNTT is saying... .   my head literally hurts (and my heart) from behavior that I still don't understand at all even in the context of someone with (PURE) BPD behaviors.   It's hard to react to something that is not logical when this whole eyeopening of what they are is still being digested.   The more I have blocked and done things to set boundaries (nicely and to get space), the more spun up the situation has become here after many months.   If I just ignore and don't send any signals of blocking etc, then it remains settled and quiet and I don't hear a thing... .but any type of movement towards blocking results in a tirade of very negative actions... .to the point of it being a concern.

I am having a hard time relating to what to do at times to because in normal situations (this is NOT), you know what to expect.   It's like sampling to try to find that balance.  My lawyer thinks that getting all things exchanged and over (a very difficult task and it should not  be) will allow everyone to move on.   In a normal situation - yes, but again... .  I don't know what normal is anymore.    I'm guessing JNTT  that you are feeling some of this too.     

[Speck]

I think I understand what JNTT is saying... .

Makes perfect sense to me.  Thank you for your insight, tlc232.


-Speck

[JustNeedToTalk]

Hi tlc232 and Speck,

Thanks again guys.

I actually really do have the urge to block him BUT... .

His reactions started after a week of various instances: -

• I didn’t react to his unblocking and commenting on the same post as me on social media.
  When I saw I was unblocked on two different messaging apps, I deleted his contact details, therefore my photo would have disappeared and he would have assumed I had blocked him (he’s accused me of this before).
  He messaged my friend the day after and neither of us reacted, so I assume that’s why he blocked me again on whatsapp.
  Then 4 days later the abusive email.

He’s left me unblocked on social media, I’m assuming (could be wrong) to see if I will block him, as we have mutual friends.

So I feel if I just leave everything as is, don’t comment on any mutual friend’s posts etc… it may make him think, or realise that he won’t get a reaction from me from anything.  

I know him and if I block he’ll think I’m being a coward and start abusing me.  He's accused me of this when I tried before.  And he will always have the ability to email me as he has my work email and I can’t block on it.

JNTT

[Speck]

JNTT:

So I feel if I just leave everything as is, don’t comment on any mutual friend’s posts etc… it may make him think, or realise that he won’t get a reaction from me from anything.

Wow... .I see what you mean! That's the thing with pwBPD; there's a whole lot of mental gymnastics to undergo after breaking up with them!

Well, you just keep on, keeping on. I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation, but it's definitely working for you. 


-Speck

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JNTT,

How are you doing?  Are the thoughts about the email reducing any?  You know, all the talk of blocking and implications and liking posts makes me so glad I don't do SM.  I do have WhatsApp, but otherwise that's it and we did have all the fun and games on there with his pointed profile pictures and blocking during dysregulation etc.  But that was during the r/s and since NC I've breathed easily.  I feel for you having to consider your actions.  Would it be an idea to take a break from SM for a month and see how that affects you?

Love and light x

[JustNeedToTalk]

Hi JNTT,

How are you doing?  Are the thoughts about the email reducing any?  You know, all the talk of blocking and implications and liking posts makes me so glad I don't do SM.  I do have WhatsApp, but otherwise that's it and we did have all the fun and games on there with his pointed profile pictures and blocking during dysregulation etc.  But that was during the r/s and since NC I've breathed easily.  I feel for you having to consider your actions.  Would it be an idea to take a break from SM for a month and see how that affects you?

Love and light x

Hi HQ,

Everyday the email actually makes me more and more angry.  I have thought about asking a good friend to change all my passwords and not tell me them so I'm not tempted to keep looking to see if I am blocked or unblocked.

Since the email I have actually written a reply which I have not sent, but I have read to two close friends who know everything and know him well too, and they have actually said that perhaps I should send it, as it clearly states that I am done and I accept no blame and don't care if he wishes me well.  But they have said that if I send it then I need to block him from everything, or my words are nothing.  I'm still deciding what to do - no rush I suppose.  Perhaps it will be a decision for me if I receive more contact.

Any thoughts.  I do believe I will hear again at some point.

JNTT

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JNTT,

I'd encourage you to think about how you are being affected by being contacted and how healthy that is for you.  Let's face it, you have a great deal to work through already without being triggered by his communication.  Apologies if I've shared this link with you before, but the article No Contact - The Right way and the Wrong way was really helpful to me when I was LC with my ex initially.  It has this to say:

"No Contact" is mostly about the non-borderline forcing "distance" into the relationship to help the non-borderline heal; to get the "space" needed to get over the hurt; get on with their lives.

The key elements of "No Contact" are

to get the partner out of your day-to-day life... .

... .You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

After being in a BPD r/s, one of the hardest things I found for myself was to turn the focus onto myself.  I wasn't practised in this and it felt foreign to me.  However, achieving that makes such a huge difference and beginning to protect myself from feeling triggered and emotionally drained was really important towards my detaching and healing.  Now is the time to protect yourself so that you can begin to repair yourself slowly but surely.

No Contact is mostly about you

If the "x" is sending you e-mail, the biggest problem is not that they are sending it - but rather that you are reading it, and/or are stressed out about it. Ignored, unread e-mail are harmless.

No Contact is about dealing with this aspect of "you".

If you don't have the discipline to not read their e-mail, for example, then have your e-mail program route it to the trash. Accept that you're hurting emotionally, and use this type of "crutch" to protect yourself against yourself.

But also understand that "not reading", the e-mail, for example, is a lot different than having the "x" receive an "undeliverable" auto-reply. The "undeliverable" auto-reply is really a way that communicates your vulnerability or your anger or your ______ (fill in the blank). If you do this you are opening a door into your recovery process... .so, ask yourself "why?".

True Disengagement (No Contact) Works.

The key points:

1) No contact" is conceptually about disconnecting from a relationship. The name describes, more or less, the key tactic... .but NC is not the goal... .the goal is for you to disengage yourself from the relationship.

2) The harder it is for you to disengage, or the more you are enmeshed in the relationship, the "higher a wall" you should erect (to keep yourself out). This is the first basis you should use to decide on which tactics are appropriate.

3) Straight forward tactics are the best way to effect "No Contact". Dramatic tactics work well too, but before using them, carefully examine your motives to be sure they are healthy and you are aimed at the right target.

4) If your partner doesn't start to disengage and give you "space" then more forceful methods may be in order to absolutely "close of the door"... .but if you have options, try to pick those that neutralize the partner - not trigger them. Look for "defusing" tactics first. This is the second basis for selecting which tactics are appropriate.

 

I hope this helps give some perspective to what you are going through.  I can't tell you the sigh of relief I breathed when all contact stopped.  If you are still considering sending a letter at some point, maybe you will decide to post it here first.  We can look at it with you and help you to decide what is the best step for your well being.

Love and light x

[Jeffree]

Sometimes I think these pwBPDs watch too much TV.

It's as though they just say these overly dramatic things because they think they're going to have the intended effect or miraculously change the dynamic of the relationship in the way they want.

It reminds me of the Jack Nicholson line in "A Few Good Men:" "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"

While it makes good theater, that would pretty much NEVER happen in a court of law.

As I understand it, they say these horrible things to us to convince themselves they were just in treating us the way they do/did.

They paint us black, and keep painting us blacker and blacker to convince themselves, "Ah ha, see! I was right! You really are the worst person ever."

And you're looking at them like, "Hunh? All I said was, 'No. I can't give you anymore money because I need it.'"

J

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JNTT, As HQ suggests, the problem with replying is that it shifts the power back to him and shows that you're still emotionally engaged, in some fashion.  The goal, I would suggest, is detachment.  I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  Query: Are you ingesting the toxic stuff when you re-read his email and get angrier and angrier?  Worth thinking about.

LJ

[JustNeedToTalk]

I replied after I had heard more stuff at the weekend.  He told me he wasn't planning on reading anything else from me so I don't know if he has even read it.  I truly am done now.  He responded to me with a thumb down... .then deleted it straight after.  I've realised I'll never get and apology or closure from him.  I hate that he blames me for everything but I have to accept I can't change that.

Here's what I wrote: -

'When you said you didn’t wish me well. It’s you trying to make me feel guilty. You cheated, you lied, you stole, you made me out to be a complete idiot after everything I done for you. You know you could have just dumped me, plain and simple. I know now that you cheated earlier too. I know that I was right that day after your birthday, the day after I paid for drinks for all our friends so that you could have a good birthday, the day you disgustingly came to mine without even showering and let me give you oral sex. Have you any idea the impact that has had on my emotions. I wasn’t even worth a shower. I NEVER said a thing to her daughter, I replied to her saying I would try and delete the message but I couldn’t work out how to do it. I then received an abusive message that I never replied to. I received a message from her husband telling me he would call the police if I didn’t leave his kids alone, and then an apology saying that he’d been told lies and he knew I hadn’t involved his kids. So whatever you two have contrived in your minds to paint me as some evil person who attacks teenagers is lies. I was even very kind to her husband, and her to start with, until she started looking to me for sympathy. You two did this not me. And if lives are ruined, it’s not me that destroyed them. She was the one who got her daughter involved, and you swore on your sons life that Thursday night that you hadn’t cheated on me. I was broken, completely broken after spending 3 months of emotional commitment and thousands getting you back into the country, thinking we had a future, that if we could get through that we could get through anything, and you did this to me, to force me to realise that our entire relationship was a lie. And even after we separated you still wouldn’t stop with your attacks, I begged you to stop and you wouldn’t. I’m seeing a therapist and working on myself, I loved you too much and I’m trying to figure out why, what happened has ignited childhood memories that I didn’t even know existed, things that I genuinely never knew happened. Things unimaginable. You broke me but I won’t allow your words to affect me any longer. My life is better without you, I lost myself in you, I lost who I was. I no longer get wasted and drink a bottle of wine a night, I work out every day, I’ve reconnected with friends I lost, I’m more driven in my career. I lost the reason I moved here when I was with you. So attack me all you want. I’m not proud of my actions at the time, but they pale in comparison to the substance of what you did. And I do accept the part I played in how messy it all ended up. But your words will not affect me anymore.  So if you don’t want to wish me well then don’t. It says more about you than me."

[Pencil sketch]

'Learn how to put your goals before you're feelings'
I have been trying to find a mantra.
That is going on my phone.
Thanks xx

[space261083]

Hi there.
I can relate to what you said with the anger. I too prefer my ex to be angry at me because it is something I have learned to accept. She was actually nice a few weeks back, returning some of my property and even asking I i wanted the kids extra because it was a school holiday. I was completely knocked for 6, I did not understand at all . Of course this week she is threatening to not let me see them this weekend unless I give her money outside of our child maintenance agreement.
My rule/advice is the same as others have said, do not respond. Whenever I get an email I really think about whether I NEED to respond. If you respond when you don't need to, you are essentially chucking logs on a fire that you need to go out. The fire will never go out while your adding fuel.
Hopefully over time your ex will get the message and stop trying to illicit a reaction.
I will only discuss 3 things via email. Child maintenance, the children and divorce. That is my shortlist and i am sticking to it. If you have no children I would just block/delete him from your life.

[Teri50]

Because thats what they do... .I've been reading so much about narcissist and BPD and it's by the book spot on. I'm so goofy I still think I'm in love! But also know i'd not go back. I will not write anymore to him. At some point I will unfriend him on FB or maybe he will me so he can feel powerful... .the whole dynamic we all feel is so exhausting!

[Maxpax2011]

I am almost 7 months out and my ex still does it, still blames me for everything, I found out through mutual friends, she tells people that I was abusive, stalking her, and obsessed with her. Her and I actually reconnected last month, and only talked a few times, but she tried using me to make the new partner jealous, so when I had to defend myself against false stalker accusations, she accused me of sabotaging her relationship. It is an endless cycle of nonsense with disordered people, very sad.

[Speck]

Hello, JNTT:

It's great to hear an update from you.

I truly am done now. I've realised I'll never get an apology or closure from him. I hate that he blames me for everything but I have to accept I can't change that.

How do you feel having sent that email? Since you feel you will never get closure from him, do you feel that sending the email at least provides closure for yourself? I know you've had a tough time getting over this guy, and I hope in the days ahead you treat yourself well.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

[JustNeedToTalk]

How do you feel having sent that email? Since you feel you will never get closure from him, do you feel that sending the email at least provides closure for yourself? I know you've had a tough time getting over this guy, and I hope in the days ahead you treat yourself well.

-Speck

Well he replied and for the first time was actually “relatively” nice to me and said he didn’t wish ill of me and was glad I was finding peace (not with us with my past - childhood).  And of course denied the filthy cheating I wrote about.  Not cheating, he admitted to being unfaithful, but the one instance I mention that I suspected about him sleeping with someone and coming home without showering, he said it’s not true, but me thinking that has obviously caused me trauma.  He also ended by telling me things are better for him, but in the very earlier stages. 

But the contact has set me back massively, I had a huge panic attack yesterday.  Probably one of my worst.  I messaged him this morning asking if I could email him and all he said was “ok”.  So I have and I was nice, but firm, I apologised for my actions and I’ve told him that contact is not healthy for me right now.  I can’t watch him fall in love with someone else, TBH I don’t even know if he is dating, but I am not strong enough for any contact right now.  I doubt he will respond.

I just can’t seem to get over this man and I have no idea why, it’s not my longest relationship.  Its two steps forward and one step back.  I’m doing everything, writing, exercising, in therapy, but nothing is fixing me.  All I think about is him and if and what I will ever hear from him again.   I am trying so hard to detach from him, I really am, but somehow internally I can’t let go.

I want to have the courage to block him and not care…. Why do I still love this man who betrayed me to my core.

JNTT x

[Jeffree]

I want to have the courage to block him and not care…. Why do I still love this man who betrayed me to my core.

Just because you wish he'd treat you in a manner befitting of your efforts in the relationship doesn't mean you are in love with him. It just means that you still think there is a person on the other end of the emails or texts who is capable of realizing the ills of his ways. You him to be the person you fell in love with... .you want him to just be a decent human being and respect you and who you are. That's how it should be, but as we know that's not how it goes with a pwBPD. 

It'll get easier as you begin to see that the person you thought he was has left the building and isn't coming back.

J

[Pencil sketch]

Forgive me, I don't know how to repost a quote.
My t has just said as much. We still hold onto the image of the living person, we met, and due to the 'addictive' nature of the relationship, we are subconsciously craving another 'hit'.
I want nothing more, than for my ex, to reach out, and recognise her behaviour, but how can they apologise for something they feel is right.
I went over and over, how I could have done this, said that, would she still be here, and the resounding answer, is no. Our destiny and the course of the relationship, was determined right from the start, and nothing I/we could have said or done, would have avoided this, and it's left, like an unfinished book, and we are desperately trying to find a fitting end.
I accept, I love her(?) I put the question mark in, because as my t pointed out, love should not make you feel broken.
I still crave her, and probably will for a long time, but it isn't for a need that is healthy or nourishing, it's a result of the control they have instilled in us.
I hold on to the feeling, that one day, this will pass, and I will get baxk to who I was, before i met her, perhaps a little wiser for the experience.
For them, the cycle will go on, I have served my purpose, she has drained me, but as we know, you can't fill and empty bucket full of holes, and I walk away knowing, I have it my all, and that one person's distorted mind, should not change my course.
Feel sorry for the next person who stumbles into their lives, their lives, they have all this to come.
Stay strong

[Pencil sketch]

Apologies for the mistakes, hope it makes sense.

[Speck]

JNTT:

But the contact has set me back massively, I had a huge panic attack yesterday. Probably one of my worst.

I'm sorry you are going through this. But, I do think there's still hope for you to recover. Let's look at this:

I messaged him this morning asking if I could email him and all he said was “ok”.  So I have and I was nice, but firm, I apologised for my actions and I’ve told him that contact is not healthy for me right now.  I can’t watch him fall in love with someone else, TBH I don’t even know if he is dating, but I am not strong enough for any contact right now.  I doubt he will respond.

Are you wanting him to respond? What do you hope to achieve by contacting him again?

I’m doing everything, writing, exercising, in therapy, but nothing is fixing me. All I think about is him and if and what I will ever hear from him again. I am trying so hard to detach from him, I really am, but somehow internally I can’t let go.

As Harley Quinn very wisely suggested earlier, being able to protect yourself from feeling triggered and emotionally drained is really important towards your detaching and healing. In other words, until you can stop obsessing over this ex who treats you poorly, YOU run the risk of continuously re-wounding YOURSELF.

Pencil Sketch offers this:

I still crave her, and probably will for a long time, but it isn't for a need that is healthy or nourishing... .

Be good to yourself, JNTT. Treat yourself with respect, care, and kindness.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck