Back in touch after a 5 week Hiatus but being distant...thoughts please

[kookoo]

Hi, so, I have found this forum really helpful, as I have had previous relationships, with un diagnosed BPD. This time, I am here as my current situation was a long term friendship.romantic relationship has presented me with issues.

My 'partner' and I have been in and out of each pothers loves for 18 years, and this last Christmas, she let me get closer than ever emotionaally. She was up front about her EUPD diagnosis, but she has been in a relationship for twelve years, but cheated on him during this time with one night stands, but recognized she is unhappy, and we decided to see where our journey took us. I think it got emotionally overwhelming, she was very open, and shared more of herself, and the difficulties her mental heath posed.

She is doing really well career wise, and has been steady for a while. Eventually, she felt torn, and I think felt she couldn't do  'us', anymore, and decided she would 'try' to make it work with her current partner, we tried to stay friends, but she just shut down, and told me to leave her alone, and ignored me, blocked me, and defriended me. I tried to reach out a few times, because I was worried about her, and I wanted to keep in touch. I was pretty hurt that she just abruptly defriended and blocked me, and initially wondered what I got wrong.

With time, I suspect  she felt de stabilised, from some of the things she said, and being too emotionally intimate was too much for her , I always told her being and staying in her current relationship is ok, if thats what she wants and needed. She often said I was the person who knew her best, and was the longest friend she has ever had-she doesn't do lots of friendships, or many at all!

Soo, after a hiatus, and me trying several 'reaching out attempts, including a card this week to say hi, 'lets be fiends'  with the acknowledgement, thats if she wanted. I got no response, and tbh, was a little worried about her wellbeing. A text asking her just to confirm she was ok, and that I at least, 'deserved that', got a response. She apologized for being a git, and we agreed to start over as friends again. we had  a polite, pleasant exchange, and then when I checked if she had received the card, she said she had, but 'thats not why I got in touch, it was to stop you worrying', and said gotta go, off out'... .Is it me or mixed messages? Is she being distant? Is she still angry with me? Is it self preservation? Thoughts and help, Ultimately, I want to stay friends, and not doiscard 18 years of some good friendship. Any thoughts on what to do, do I just stay steady and win her trust?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi kookoo,

This sounds so painful and hard! Eighteen years is a long time and it is not easy to lose someone from our lives. If someone asks for distance, or space, it is probably best to give it. This is one of those hard times in life where you have to reorient yourself and your life. The time to fill your life up with other things so the need for this person is not so strong and to find ways to counter the loss, if you ultimately lose her a bit, so you can withstand it.

All people with BPD are different, but many do have an uncanny ability to cut us off. I try to remember that they feel pain at a whole other level, and I've had my share of emotional pain in life, so if it can be worse than that... .my gosh!

What do you like to do for yourself for self-care? What can help you feel better?

warmly, pearl.

[Mutt]

Hi kookoo,



Youre  initially friends for a very long time I think if you have a friendship with her you have certain leeway for example she’ll probably be understanding. She mentioned that she’s currently not ready to be emotionally involved I think it could  be that she has feelings that are complicated and she’s not ready to face that. Plus she is another r/s. I agree with pearlsw I’d put on the breaks and just and watch how things unfold.

[kookoo]

Thanks Mutt and Pearl for your kind words, I am much better now Pearl, than when she first blocked me, I have just got on with my life. I think you are right Mutt, I need to let it unfold, and you hit the nail on the head, as she had said that she felt conflicting emotions, and that her emotions for me ran deep, and overwhelmed her... She also said she is staying with the current partner reallly beacuse she feels he is dependendent on her... .or is is the other way around. I think she loves him as a friend or as a FP, but there is no romance there. Anyhow, I have chosen to focus on being a good constant friend in her life.

I am trying to resist the temptation to ask what was going on, and why did she block me etc... .and just leave the contact now up to her... ? If I was in this situation with a non BP, I would probably ask and have a good conversation about it, but I am aware that if things get 'too emotional', she cant deal very easily with it, I guess I may find out further down the line, but for now, just be grateful she is in touch. I was a bit confused when she stated that my 'card wasnt the reason for her getting in touch', that it was to alleviate me of worry'... .does this imply she doesnt really want to have any contact with me ideally? Is she just being 'kind', because she acknowledges she is quite passive... .

[juju2]

Hi,

Sorry you are having a confusing time.

I am also in the middle of a very confusing time.  You can read some of my posts.

After much soul searching and realizing that i was powerless over his choices(dxBPDb/f 10 yr live in r/s)the only thing for me to do is work on myself, find out what I enjoy doing.  I don't know what is going to happen w my r/s.  I have to find a life I can live and give me appreciation for myself and my choices.

It took me a long time to get to this place.  I find now, I have more choices, my life is expanding.  Anything is possible.  have been working on my attitude, getting a positive attitude about myself and my life.

your journey is important and meaningful.

We can hope for the BPD r/s, we are the keepers of hope.

I just didn't realize that it is important for me to allow my life to unfold, my journey is important to me.

Peace, joy, love

j