Why does BPDex maintain slight contact while keeping me at a distance?

[vaztek2003]

Hi guys! Been a while since Ive been here, but my BPDex came back around first she maintained a decent amount of contact through text only, but ever since her internship started back up she has all but disappeared, only sending a I really miss you text or a pic once every two weeks. We dont have anything going on in term of relationship, Im pretty much over all the pain of her vanishing act the first time, Im just wondering why they just float out there, especially if they really dont want anything to do with us? Is it fear of being alone? Seriously, Ive asked her point blank if she wanted to be friends, she got furious going on a bull___ rant about not being her bf, but also not being her friend... ."I have her heart" It just amazes me how ___ed up they can be.

Last thing she would complain about was how unfair life was for her... .how only bad things happened, severe depression, no energy, always sleeping... .mind you before I would always be there for her. They just dont "remember" anything good.

[Mutt]

Hi vaztek2003,

It’s nice to have you back thanks for taking the time to share with us.  I just wanted to start by saying that BPD symptoms are overwhelming to a pwBPD and they have a dependency on others, a pwBPD also fear being abandoned and cling to others. You probably already know that pwBPD don’t completely detach from their exes.

[Speck]

Hello, vaztek2003:

Welcome back! It sounds like you've got some head-scratchin' going on regarding your ex. The behavior exhibited by pwBPD can be really confounding to us Nons. Like Mutt also suggests, their behavior is also confounding to pwBPD!

It is likely that your ex has been reaching out to you to merely check your weather, and when she learned the forecast (was confronted directly by you regarding her intentions... .a very logical question), she pushed you away again... .because, well, she can. It's a God-like power. In short, she may have just needed to know if you were still in her sphere of influence.

From what I understand about BPD, the underlying dilemma is a fear of abandonment versus engulfment. So, the message is, yes, "You have her heart", but also, "and you can't have it!"

I'm so sorry that you were treated this way. And, I would also like to gently suggest that this type of behavior is toxic, unhealthy, unhelpful, and unneccessary.

Keep writing, keep processing!


-Speck

[wellwellwell]

I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling with those questions. I spent years trying to process everything rationally. I knew that there was something odd about our interactions, but, even as a pretty self-aware and intuitive person, rationale was all I had. Eventually the therapist who rescued me said 'you're trying to process this rationally, but it's not rational behavior'. It took me a long time to really absorb that, but it was what I needed to hear. I had to orientate myself around whether the interactions were healthy for me. I don't think I'd ever really done that before in any relationship. I wasn't a sucker by any stretch, but 'me' had never been my starting point. Eventually I had to acknowledge that emotional contact with my ex was never healthy for me. I'm only sharing in case it helps - please don't take this as any judgment on your own situation. Good luck.

[Turkish]

What do you get from these exchanges? Hope for something resembling friendship? Confirmation that she's messed up? Something else?

[vaztek2003]

Hi vaztek2003,

It’s nice to have you back thanks for taking the time to share with us.  I just wanted to start by saying that BPD symptoms are overwhelming to a pwBPD and they have a dependency on others, a pwBPD also fear being abandoned and cling to others. You probably already know that pwBPD don’t completely detach from their exes.

Yeah they really do have a hard time detaching. I honestly never though Id hear from her again after she went full silent treatment. She lied to me when she left saying she thought she was gay because she had a sexual encounter with a girl, which after she came back she clarified she wasnt gay (which I never even brought up). She stated she hooked up with not one but two guys a month after leaving me... .which killed me because our sex life was pretty much non existent, it had been months with no sex before she left, she was never in the mood, but here she was telling me she slept with two guys around the same time. I look at it as she just didnt want to with me, which makes me laugh as she brought up sex all the time and be super vocal and expressive about it... .just never actually followed through much. Their minds are so warped. She seriously hates herself with a passion, which I honestly feel bad about. It just never really mattered what I said to her. Yet she still came back.

[vaztek2003]

I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling with those questions. I spent years trying to process everything rationally. I knew that there was something odd about our interactions, but, even as a pretty self-aware and intuitive person, rationale was all I had. Eventually the therapist who rescued me said 'you're trying to process this rationally, but it's not rational behavior'. It took me a long time to really absorb that, but it was what I needed to hear. I had to orientate myself around whether the interactions were healthy for me. I don't think I'd ever really done that before in any relationship. I wasn't a sucker by any stretch, but 'me' had never been my starting point. Eventually I had to acknowledge that emotional contact with my ex was never healthy for me. I'm only sharing in case it helps - please don't take this as any judgment on your own situation. Good luck.

Spot on we look to rationalize the irrational. Heck even now Im still inquiring about her actions, ! but when we realize it we can correct our train of thought.

[vaztek2003]

What do you get from these exchanges? Hope for something resembling friendship? Confirmation that she's messed up? Something else?

when she first returned, I honestly had some hope, as she was apologetic and actually resembled some normalcy. Didn't last long and now that I can see behind the curtain I caught on to her manipulation (not sure if intentional or not). She only would text or call when something happened to her or she needed something. Never really cared for my goings honestly... .its funny in a way how she would forget that there had been a 6 month gap and say things as if I was one of the guy she was talking to at the time... .she used to do it before with her exes, bringing up movies she had watched with them as if she had done it with me, used to piss me off, but now I see that we are nothing but generic pieces to them, interchangeable.

Its honestly a blessing not having to deal with someone who is draining and Im a very patient guy, but damn. I could wish her a good morning and that could turn into a Im so depressed, I hate my life super quick, in fact it usually did.

I thought maybe she wanted to be friends with benefits as she would always bring up our sex (the times we did have) talk about how in the mood she was, send pics and all, but never followed through, so Ill take that as another mind game.

Im actually talking with other girls I just find it weird to get a message/pic about every two weeks from her. Then again when was it ever normal... .weirdest "relationship" I ever had.

[vaztek2003]

Hello, vaztek2003:

Welcome back! It sounds like you've got some head-scratchin' going on regarding your ex. The behavior exhibited by pwBPD can be really confounding to us Nons. Like Mutt also suggests, their behavior is also confounding to pwBPD!

It is likely that your ex has been reaching out to you to merely check your weather, and when she learned the forecast (was confronted directly by you regarding her intentions... .a very logical question), she pushed you away again... .because, well, she can. It's a God-like power. In short, she may have just needed to know if you were still in her sphere of influence.

From what I understand about BPD, the underlying dilemma is a fear of abandonment versus engulfment. So, the message is, yes, "You have her heart", but also, "and you can't have it!"

I'm so sorry that you were treated this way. And, I would also like to gently suggest that this type of behavior is toxic, unhealthy, unhelpful, and unneccessary.

Keep writing, keep processing!


-Speck

Thank you. It honestly took me a while to move forward and as soon as I had surpassed it she came back around, . As I said Im not entrapped as I was, where I had to hear from her everyday. I only reply if she ever texts. What helped the most was actually just not thinking about her condition as an illness, as it kept that hope alive that she could get better and I viewed her as a victim. I just began thinking of her as just another woman who woke up and decided she didnt want to be with me anymore. I still feel bad for her, but now it doesnt hamper my thought process.

[wellwellwell]

Spot on we look to rationalize the irrational. Heck even now Im still inquiring about her actions, ! but when we realize it we can correct our train of thought.

Yep. I found it really hard to stop trying to rationalize her behavior. It's not as if everyone always behaves rationally - me included - but my experience of BPD behavior is that it's so consistently resistant to rational analysis that that's what marks it out as BPD, if that makes sense. Eventually I think I got to a point where I took some strength from the fact that I couldn't stop trying to rationalize... .it meant that I was keeping my own mind somewhere in the center of my world. Anyway, good luck!

[Mutt]

She stated she hooked up with not one but two guys a month after leaving me... .which killed me because our sex life was pretty much non existent, it had been months with no sex before she left,

I can relate with that I didn’t have sex with my ex for two years before she left and she projected her emotional detachment on me by saying that I was the one that wasn’t sexually attracted. I told her she controls that. Having dec frequently is important in a r/s it brings you closer together, that space causes friction.

I just wanted to point out the opposite at the beginning of the r/s people with BPD cling or become attached quickly. In that context do you had to do with you or she was detaching emotionally at the end of your r/s and was clingy with these two guys?

[xyz-Girl]

Thank you. It honestly took me a while to move forward and as soon as I had surpassed it she came back around, . As I said Im not entrapped as I was, where I had to hear from her everyday. I only reply if she ever texts. What helped the most was actually just not thinking about her condition as an illness, as it kept that hope alive that she could get better and I viewed her as a victim. I just began thinking of her as just another woman who woke up and decided she didnt want to be with me anymore. I still feel bad for her, but now it doesnt hamper my thought process.

I am also going through something similar. I am now at the detaching stage because i had enough. They are so confusing and irrational, and the worst thing is that they absolutely think they are not. Honestly, my BPDex broke up with me bc I am not rational enough for him  now, i laugh about it but then it really broke my heart. I am on day 2 of NC after 1.5 month of dragging out our interaction. Then he confessed he was talking to someone and that he didn't want to argue with me about it, so i said that it's better to stop talking. this past month had been really hard for me to hear all his ___ about other girls and I cannot do it anymore. I have to do this for my own good and as you said, i am taking him now as any other regular guy. I think we tend to try to understand his thought and behaviors and put up with them bc we know their illness and out of love we hold on to them. Today, day 2 of NC, i woke up with a text message from him at 3 AM about something that is happening in his family. I did not reply, he knows i am done, then why text right? I think they do test the waters... .they really don't want our friendship, they just want someone. They will always try again until they find someone else, and then when that is done, they will come back and pull us in again... .NOT HAPPENING! I would recommend to stop replying, cut cold turkey now, you seem to be in a better shape emotionally to just do so and move on.

Best of Luck!

[vaztek2003]

I can relate with that I didn’t have sex with my ex for two years before she left and she projected her emotional detachment on me by saying that I was the one that wasn’t sexually attracted. I told her she controls that. Having dec frequently is important in a r/s it brings you closer together, that space causes friction.

I just wanted to point out the opposite at the beginning of the r/s people with BPD cling or become attached quickly. In that context do you had to do with you or she was detaching emotionally at the end of your r/s and was clingy with these two guys?

I wasnt surprised at the fact that she moved on quickly, as she always had guy "friends" be it at work or school. I trusted her (my mistake) as she portrayed herself to be a person enough morals not to do something like that. A huge red flag I missed was the fact that besides her family, no friend or schoolmate knew of me being her bf, she likes her "privacy" she said, which I respected. She would often triangulate with another guy, it was always guys she gravitated to for friends... .mainly her boss, who it wouldnt surprise me as one of the guys as she never wanted to tell me names, nor was it of much importance to me since we arent together. She did become distant towards the end, we would only text every other day, phone calls or facetime disappeared as pretty much any actual personal contact, only when she wanted... .her bday, vday, etc... .during all this no sex, she would say her depression had killed her libido, but she would talk up a good game along with pics. Her libido magically returned after leaving though, . I didnt ask much about the two guys but she basically said they "USED" (always the victim) her for sex and then both stopped responding, a month later she was apologizing to me.

[vaztek2003]

I am also going through something similar. I am now at the detaching stage because i had enough. They are so confusing and irrational, and the worst thing is that they absolutely think they are not. Honestly, my BPDex broke up with me bc I am not rational enough for him  now, i laugh about it but then it really broke my heart. I am on day 2 of NC after 1.5 month of dragging out our interaction. Then he confessed he was talking to someone and that he didn't want to argue with me about it, so i said that it's better to stop talking. this past month had been really hard for me to hear all his ___ about other girls and I cannot do it anymore. I have to do this for my own good and as you said, i am taking him now as any other regular guy. I think we tend to try to understand his thought and behaviors and put up with them bc we know their illness and out of love we hold on to them. Today, day 2 of NC, i woke up with a text message from him at 3 AM about something that is happening in his family. I did not reply, he knows i am done, then why text right? I think they do test the waters... .they really don't want our friendship, they just want someone. They will always try again until they find someone else, and then when that is done, they will come back and pull us in again... .NOT HAPPENING! I would recommend to stop replying, cut cold turkey now, you seem to be in a better shape emotionally to just do so and move on.

Best of Luck!

Thank you for the advice. Hang in there yourself, its never easy, but it was way harder being with these individuals. Honestly I just feel bad for this woman. I provided EVERYTHING she ever wanted and she played me, that thought is still in the back of my mind, but I honestly feel bad for her. So much self-hate, a gorgeous, intelligent woman, but her mind is her worst enemy. I once saw a future, but no longer. Im sure she'll find another as she found me, but one thing is for sure... .she will never be happy without extreme help, which she gives up on. Sad.

[Speck]

Hello again, vaztek2003:

Honestly I just feel bad for this woman. I provided EVERYTHING she ever wanted and she played me, that thought is still in the back of my mind, but I honestly feel bad for her. So much self-hate, a gorgeous, intelligent woman, but her mind is her worst enemy. I once saw a future, but no longer. Im sure she'll find another as she found me, but one thing is for sure... .she will never be happy without extreme help, which she gives up on. Sad.

It sounds like you've got a handle on what this is all about (the BPD behavior), and you are unwilling to get re-roped into her drama. And good for you!

My uBPDw is also a gorgeous, intelligent woman who played me like a fiddle. I foolishly provided everything for her and was basically her personal problem-solver for a decade. However, once my financial utility to her was over, she discarded me like a worn sock. If she were to reach out to me now and attempt to re-connect with me, with my knowing what I know now about BPD, all she's going to get from me is a polite declination for future contact.

It's all a sensible person can do under the circumstances. I refuse to be her Plan B.

I say all that to say: Keep doing your journey. It gets better, especially when we honor ourselves and our values.


-Speck