double bind about telling the truth to my kid/s

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have had many struggles with my divorce but the hardest is knowing what to tell the kids sometimes because things get used against me so much. 

I had let me professional license go during all the chaos with my divorce etc and i am trying to get it back.  I am not able to do it while working so I spoke with my mother about going down to visit her where she lives.  The plan is that i stay with her for about two months and study for the test (its super hard and i've been out of school for 20yrs).  IF i pass it would help me regain some stability in my career life again because i've been bouncing around from one sales job to another since the divorce and i'm totally burned out on doing that.  Plus at my age there is age discrimination and it is harder to get a job.

So my worry is that if i tell my child/children that i'm studying to try and get this license back and that is why i'm going down to visit my mom- that they will of course tell my ex who will then have it in her mind that i might make more money if i accomplish this?  I'm always worried about her taking me back to court and i don't even know why?  I feel like she has so much power over me and what i do.  Plus, being away from the kids for a couple of months will be hard.

Also if i do pass, i don't know where i will live or get a job because right now my child support goes through another state that i have lived in for the past 4 years and they are very good to me there.  Whereas, Illinois is one of the most corrupt states and moving back there and going through their system is a nightmare. 

Stuck in the middle are my kids.  They don't understand this stuff and why i might be motivated to stay in the other state or even choose a new one if i get my license.  The danger i feel is that if my ex knows that i'm getting my license she can use that against me.  How?  because if i don't go back to that state where the kids live, she will probably say that i don't want to be with the kids.   Not true but i know she does stuff like this because she has already alienated the older 3 kids against me.  I only have one child left that talks to me because of the alienation.  I think no matter what i do the four child will eventually be alienated as well.  So everyone is telling me that i need to take care of myself and do what's best for me.

I am not even sure what's best for me right now.  Consistently losing one child after another has been so hard.  When i'm in the same state she kicks up the drama and it makes the kids life more miserable. When i'm away it is better for them.  So sad that i actually have to say this but i'm just so emotionally tired of all of this. 

Oh lastly, i guess i'm afraid if i don't tell the whole truth as to why i'll be away for a couple of months that if the truth is found out later it will really reenforce what the ex says about me (even though she has been distorting for years).

any thoughts?

[truthbeknown]

I have had many struggles with my divorce but the hardest is knowing what to tell the kids sometimes because things get used against me so much. 

I had let me professional license go during all the chaos with my divorce etc and i am trying to get it back.  I am not able to do it while working so I spoke with my mother about going down to visit her where she lives.  The plan is that i stay with her for about two months and study for the test (its super hard and i've been out of school for 20yrs).  IF i pass it would help me regain some stability in my career life again because i've been bouncing around from one sales job to another since the divorce and i'm totally burned out on doing that.  Plus at my age there is age discrimination and it is harder to get a job.

So my worry is that if i tell my child/children that i'm studying to try and get this license back and that is why i'm going down to visit my mom- that they will of course tell my ex who will then have it in her mind that i might make more money if i accomplish this?  I'm always worried about her taking me back to court and i don't even know why?  I feel like she has so much power over me and what i do.  Plus, being away from the kids for a couple of months will be hard.

Also if i do pass, i don't know where i will live or get a job because right now my child support goes through another state that i have lived in for the past 4 years and they are very good to me there.  Whereas, Illinois is one of the most corrupt states and moving back there and going through their system is a nightmare. 

Stuck in the middle are my kids.  They don't understand this stuff and why i might be motivated to stay in the other state or even choose a new one if i get my license.  The danger i feel is that if my ex knows that i'm getting my license she can use that against me.  How?  because if i don't go back to that state where the kids live, she will probably say that i don't want to be with the kids.   Not true but i know she does stuff like this because she has already alienated the older 3 kids against me.  I only have one child left that talks to me because of the alienation.  I think no matter what i do the four child will eventually be alienated as well.  So everyone is telling me that i need to take care of myself and do what's best for me.

I am not even sure what's best for me right now.  Consistently losing one child after another has been so hard.  When i'm in the same state she kicks up the drama and it makes the kids life more miserable. When i'm away it is better for them.  So sad that i actually have to say this but i'm just so emotionally tired of all of this. 

Oh lastly, i guess i'm afraid if i don't tell the whole truth as to why i'll be away for a couple of months that if the truth is found out later it will really reenforce what the ex says about me (even though she has been distorting for years).

any thoughts?

[formflier]

any thoughts?

Can you let us know specifically the things you feel you need to tell your kids about?  The double binds.

If it is what you are studying for... .there is no need whatsoever to give any details.  It's not about telling the truth, it's about privacy.

Get the studying done... .and get the license back.  Then you can focus on all the other questions swirling around.

What is the reasoning for spending time at your mom's?  Can you not study in your current location?

Big picture:  Most non's get a warped view of "what the truth" is and anything "private" is supposed to be "known" by pwBPD.  Roll that back.  You do what you need to do for your professional life.  Let your kids be kids as far as you control it.

Which means... .if your wife tells them you have a pink elephant... that's out of your control.  You don't need to tell them the "truth" that it's purple and not pink... .and all sorts of other details.

FF

[truthbeknown]

the reason this comes up is that i took a job that has me mostly on the road. one of my friends in the state where i had my apartment let me move in with them because her father died.  So basically i don't have my own apartment/house right now. It's great because i was saving on expenses for living and my kids live two states away. When i go back another friend lets me stay there for the 4 days that i'm off.  The problems is neither one of these places I'm able to stay at for the next two months.  So my mom is down in Az and offered to let me stay there.  This means i would not get to see the kids for two months or so bc it costs too much to go back and forth.   So what do I tell them?  about why i'm not visiting?  that is the challenge.  If i tell them i'm just out of town for awhile it feels out of character for me.   

[formflier]

Generally adults give way to many details... unsolicited... to kids.

I have a clearer picture now.

I would challenge you to be pragmatic.  To "leave no stone unturned" to be close to your kids.  Is your job over while you will be at your Moms?  Can they come visit down there?


If you get your professional license will that give you money and stability to be back with your kids? 

Step 1... .form your message... .

Step 2... figure out how to deliver it.

Tell me how often you see your kids now and what your relationship is like now?


FF

[truthbeknown]

i have been seeing my youngest every 11 days and we go out to dinner or a movie.  Before this job i was seeing her on weekends every other or 1 weekend per month depending on finances. 

Weekends were hard because the mom would sabotage and enroll my kids in everything possible without asking me so it limited my visitation time. 

job is on hold while studying although i might pick up a weekend job to keep money coming in.

if i get license back it will give me options.  But living in the state where they are at is a challenge because of the legal system is so corrupt there.   

relationship with 4 kids:
two oldest were poisoned against me (Parental alienation) and the younger two were the ones who saw me on my own outside of their moms influence so i thought they knew me.  But now my 16 yo son is not talking to me and turned on me last year after his mom's friend got him a car.   I think he is giving his mom money from his work because he worked 6 weeks the last time i went out with him and i saw his bank account. Only money from his recent check was in there.  I asked him what happened to all the other money he made.   He made up some excuse but our relationship deteriorated severly after that.  I think she is playing victim again and hording money.  Her parents pay for her mortgage, i give child support and she tells my kids that she has 9.00 in the bank (standard answer).   I think the kids then blame me for her problems because she lies to them.

[ForeverDad]

There is so much you can't fully control... .your ex, your kids being alienated, etc.  However, what you can control is you.  You can study, get your license again and have more options than you have now.  With those options you can decide where to live.  You can get an apartment with enough rooms for your children to live in on your parenting time.  Even if the state they're in is not a place you feel good working in, you can at least move closer than the current two states away.

So, yes, working on your license does sound like a wise step all around.  It may increase your income and child support may get raised at some future recalculation but on the other hand you'll be able to afford finding better living accommodations so your kids can spend more time with you.

If you do move away for studying, be aware that if your ex is obstructive she will paint the worst picture of your actions.  She'll pound them emotionally saying you abandoned them, that you don't care for them or don't love them.  Frankly, she could very well be doing that already.  So much is beyond your control.  Just do your best under the circumstances.  When you finish studying and getting tested, the kids may be just about finished with school for the summer.  Do you get summers or a large part of them?  Even if all you get is two weeks, maybe you can have them come visit you at your mother's area.  I bet mother will oppose but likely your order has vacations described as initiated by an advance vacation notice, not a vacation request that she can reject.

[truthbeknown]

foreverdad,

because she is manipulative i would literally have to take her back to court every time she defies things.  And i fell into a trap early in the divorce when i was paying her child support.  I lost my job and she said, "don't worry we'll work things out.  I thought she was being friends with me again and i fell for it.  So i went a year without paying while i was unemployed (it was a terrible time).  I was also very depressed and didn't know that i was supposed to go to court because i was paying her directly.   She has that albatross around my neck now because if i do go to court to argue about her doing every little infraction then she could bring this up.  So she distorts the truth and probably tells the kids that i don't pay her child support even though she is getting it now.  And she doesn't use the cs to buy the kids food etc.  There is so much pain that i go through but the worst part is that i have been broke since the divorce and don't have the money to get attorneys etc.  In my state, they are so corrupt. one of my friends spent 20k last year and her attorney does nothing to help her.  She is stuck with him now though and the courts have told her (about her ex) that it's not illegal to be a bad parent.  As long as he is following the court orders.  So his attorney just keeps sending out new offensives and she doesn't have the money to fight them.  My ex's parents are wealthy so she can get as much help as she wants plus FREE legal assistance in the state where my kids reside.

They are at the age where they are choosing not to see me.  When i lived in the same state, they would say, "dad, it's just too hard to come over to your place and the going back and forth is too much."   I knew they were part of conversations that the ex would have with her sister, her friend that lived with her etc. because she has NO boundaries.  Yes i can't control her but if i tell the truth it gets used against me.  If i take care of myself it gets used against me.  I'm so bummed about the whole dynamics. 

as far as vacation time.  she will sabotage whatever i choose by making them feel like they are missing out on something else by spending time with me.  Sometimes i get lucky.  Two summers ago I got them for a week and it was wonderful.  That was before my 16 started to drive. 

She also has run up medical bills and not ever shared them with me.  She doesn't get my conscent on doing some things for my son's medical condition (testing) and she has run up large bills on that. then she won't even have him follow up with what the doctor says.  She just wants to play victim and will use whatever she can (even being sick herself) to play victim and poor her.  I can't compete against that.

[formflier]

 I can't compete against that.

So don't... .

If you look at a relationship (with anyone) as a competition... where the actions or outcomes of another person indicate a win or loss... .it's bound to affect the outcome and "flavor" of the r/s.

Express interest in time with your kids... .go through the procedure to get it (is there a procedure in the court order?)... .and then let what happens... happen.

There are several different ideas floating around in this thread.

1.  :)o what it takes to get your license back... .more money equals more flexibility.  You don't have to announce this to anyone... in fact, I would advise keeping it private.

2.  Separate issue... .taking steps to improve relationship with kids.  Many times steps will be taken and it appears kids run away... .or stare at their phones... .or... . ?

That's part of it.  

Let's circle back to 1.  If you go to Moms... .compare your chances of passing the test... .with staying close to kids.

Can you share what license you are seeking?

FF

[truthbeknown]

FF,

i don't know what my chances are.  It's a chiro license.   They are vey expensive to take and i already did not pass once.

if i did get the license i still don't know if i would want to work for someone long term as an associate but salaries are better now then they have been in the past.  It would be better for me emotionally and physically.  Right now i work sales jobs like in home sales or currently a traveling sales person with really long hours.  The biggest advantage on current track is no overhead expesnses .   The biggest downside is no life outside of work. i'm living to work/sleep/work and it's taking it's toll on me. 

So lots of question marks and my ability to study while working current job is off the table because i work 11 hours a day and i'm too exhausted physically and emotionally when i'm not there.  Staying with my Mother gives me two months to study hard but will also deplete me savings.  It feels like my own catch 22.  Staying on the current track i would have to look for other job etc and then pick a place to live.   I have PTSD about picking a place to live right now.  Or should i say about being in the kids home state because the courts are so bad.  Just to give an example, when my ex moved the cs to the court vs paying through her (3 years ago) that court system sent me threatening notices every week (sometimes 2 per week) even though i was paying on time etc.  Then they wanted to garnish wages even though i was paying on time.  They have a system set up that basically is like emotional abuse.  Sending out notices and then no chance to get through to a live person to talk to them about it.  I had to make my mother an authorized user so that she could wait on hold because she is  retired.  She would wait for 2-3 hours on hold to get to talk to someone.  She said, "you know, my son works and how do you expect him to wait on hold of this long?" They told her that this is the best that they can do. 

Soon after because i was living in the other state, they took over my c/s order.  I was assigned a case worker.  Within one week she told me that this other state was very hard to deal with.  The hardest out of any state. She said they were still trying to garnish my wages and send me notices.  So she called them up and said, "you either want us to handle the client or you but it won't be both!"  They backed down.  She then told me that as long as i make consistent payment that she would not need to garnish my wages.  I felt like i have an advocate in my corner.  She's great, when i have a question i call her and she will call me back within a couple of hours.  I feel safe with her and the system in this state but not in my kids state. 

So if i got my license i would be tempted to try to get a job there but i'm not sure.  The whole way things are handled in my kids home state is so corrupt and feels like they abuse non-custodials that i'm gun shy about moving back there permently.  And if i moved back there and didn't tell the kids (not tell them everything as you suggested) then it feels like i'm living a double life.  I feel like i'm living on the run because the court systems often are tailor made for personality disordered partents who take advantage of the good people (nons). 

So i'm trying to figure out what to do and it's like a chess match.  I hope that i pass and if i don't then i would have wasted two months and blown my savings which will leave me vulnerable financially.  That's why i'm stressed about the whole decision.

[formflier]

So... .just to be clear.  Your chiropractic license has lapsed.  Since the laps you have tried to get it back once and didn't pass.   You are considering trying to take your chiropractic exam again.

Do I have that right?

Right now you are doing sales and have full days where you don't think you are getting ahead.  You live to work and work to live... .

You have built up a bit of a stash of savings... .and can take a shot at two months of study to take the exam.

There is lots of others stuff going on in your post, I'm not ignoring it because it is unimportant... .I'm ignoring it because we are "separating things into their own buckets"

Can you reach out and develop a relationship with a chiropractor close to your Mom.  You can do office work and get mentored by him while you study.  Perhaps that will help the financial impact go down.  Also give you someone to ask questions and be mentored by as you prep for the test.

Can you give massage close by your mom's? 

Do you have a clear understanding of why last test didn't go so good?

I'll hush and wait on answers.

Here is my thinking.  Right now you feel stuck in your job... financially... .lots of different ways.  You want to be unstuck.  Getting your license back gives you options to get unstuck and a better schedule that allows more time to take care of yourself.

FF