uBPDh has taken my wallet; need to rebuild my safety plan

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi everyone,
So the latest chaos is that my uBPDh has taken my wallet. He has a buddy talking him through preparing to divorce. I have been hiding my purse, phone and keys at night, sometimes, if I had a feeling he may take it. His friends ex wife told me that hers was taken, and many other things... .all with the goal of making her feel like she was losing her mind.

Anyway, I had that feeling Saturday night, and hid my bag, a nice leather shoulder bag. My H was sleeping on the couch, with my parents in the guest room, still visiting. So, he had all night, to himself to find it. He found it. When I got my bag the next morning, and got to thget coffee shop, my wallet was gone from my bag.

There’s all kinds of pieces to my safety plan hidden in the inner compartment of my wallet... .post office and bank box keys, bank cards, and maybe a few deposit slips where I had scraped together leftover grocery money and put it away. (He has steadily been dwindling my access to money over the past few months, so this is a safety thing for me and my son).

I really would rather keep our family together. We are so blessed! Good job, nice house, wonderful son... .no reason for all of his crazy... .except that I’m his cover for his sexual issues I think.  

Has anybody had their wallet taken, and how did you get it back? Did you get it back? How did you “play” it with your spouse? I have left room in my statements for him to place it back in the house or van somewhere, and it may have been where I misplaced it. I’m hoping it will show up.

On another note, he is escalating his level of control. This has happened in a drastic way over the past 4 months, starting in November.

Any thought? Suggestions? The exit plan is solid, except for the missing bank box key. There are documents in ther that I need, and that involves drilling the safe deposit box.

Dig

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[isilme]

I'm not familiar with your circumstances to say much, but what is happening to where he might be initiating divorce?  How have things been escalating since November? 

As for the wallet - is he out of the house at times?  Can you search the house?  Does he work outside the home and have maybe a place he could have hidden it there?

Have you told him it's missing?  I can't tell if you've asked him to help you find it.  Are you playing the "Geez, my wallet is missing and I really need it cuz my driver's license is in there!  Have you seen it?  Maybe it could have fallen out of my purse somewhere?  Can you help me look?" card?

As for the key, what options are there to get into the bank box without it?  Do you have a way to do without your wallet (kinda an obvious target if this is his MO) and places you can hide cash and other things in the house he'd never look? 

[Tattered Heart]

Oh D&S,

How disconcerting that must be. Are you safe? How will he react if he finds your safety deposit box?

Is there a way to mentally disarm him? Not to manipulate per say, but share with him your wanting to keep the family together so that maybe he won't feel the need to steal your things.

If/when you get your wallet back, is there somewhere that he doesn't go that you could keep it? Such as in your car or under your mattress?

[Radcliff]

Dig,

I'm sorry to hear about your wallet.  My wife took everything -- wallet, keys, cell phone, laptop, work clothes.  I often had to hide clothes for work.  Before I took a shower, I'd always hide my wallet, keys, and cell phone.

When something went missing, I would always ask my wife about it.  If it was clearly her, and I was upset, I'd directly accuse her, though I'm not sure this was very effective.  The most effective behavior seemed to be for me to point out that it was missing, ask her if she'd seen it, and perhaps ask for her help in finding it.  It was important for her to feel in control, so me acknowledging that it was missing seemed to be an important step.  The more my need or desire for the item was apparent, the less likely she was to give it to me.  Getting angry never worked.  I'm a guy, so I didn't try crying.  Crying or being upset could go in several directions.  He might feed off of it and keep up the pressure, or he might see it as a victory and then give the stuff back.  My wife was like a shark -- any sign of weakness and she would attack even harder.

So, the most successful thing for me was to acknowledge that it was missing, ask her to keep an eye out, and ask her for suggestions of where to look.  Often, the item would be where she suggested, so she had plausible deniability.  She never, ever, handed me an item back.  She would either put it in some obvious place, put it in a place where she suggested I might look, or I'd just stumble across it eventually (under the bed, under the couch cushions, etc.).  Sometimes if I knew she had it, and she knew I knew, I'd use a bit of a sense of humor about it, "I sure hope my wallet turns up somewhere."  In our dynamic, it was important for me to not get angry, because she termed that abusive.  She needed to be in control, and needed to have me be bulletproof passive and nonthreatening, no matter what she did.  Our dynamics were likely a little different than yours, but I hope there's some useful bits of info for you in my experiences.

It would be worth it to have an extra minivan key hidden.  They can be expensive.  Sometimes to program a new one, you need to have all of the keys in your possession, so programming a third key fob could be difficult if he has one of them.  It depends on the make of the car.  You can call the dealer, and find out the cost of a spare key fob, as well as whether they need all the fobs to program a new one.

And yes, you should expect the control behaviors to escalate.  Especially if you are pushing back against the abuse, or seeming to become more independent.  Are there factors in your life with him that he finds more threatening now?  Are there new signs of strength or independence in you that he sees?

If you find any good books or Web sites on "street smart" ways to live with abuse, or if any of those books I recommended end up being helpful for you, please let me know.  I was coping in isolation, and would like to get to know what resources are good for helping others.

WW

[Radcliff]

I'm just now seeing the additional detail in your separate post here.

You should consider the contents of your wallet to be compromised.  If he can access that bank box, and the documents are worth the trouble, I'd have it drilled and rescue those documents ASAP.  Of course that may set you back some money.  :)epends on if the documents are reproducible (like birth certificates) or irreplaceable and safety critical (like sole copies of abuse documentation or something that could make him mad enough to harm you).

Rebuild your safety plan assuming he has studied everything in your wallet and acted on it.

I always kept my safety plan materials (spare key, ATM card, checks) hidden in a ziploc bag outside of the house.

As far as hiding places to try to discover your wallet, it's worth a shot.  Kind of like looking for a needle in a haystack.  "Guy territory" is worth checking -- his toolbox, the garage.  Up high.  Think of places around the home where a guy might assume a woman would never go.  Where you'd have to climb, get dirty, crawl in something, etc.  Just inside a crawl space entry.  Pull out his drawers and look under/behind them.  In his vehicle (glove box, under seats, any 1st aid compartments or spare tire compartment in trunk).  Consider it sport, don't be disappointed if you don't find it.

WW  

[Radcliff]

Knowing that you could be on the move and have access to images of key documents is really nice.  Remember to log off every time, clear your browser history, and all that good stuff.

I'm less sure about the idea of reporting the wallet missing to the police.  Mindful of the extent of the controlling behaviors you've expressed here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321544.msg12945455#msg12945455
and the fact that you've said you're in an area of the country where an abusive man has a fair bit of leeway, this might not help.  Plus, it's kind of hard to prove he took it.  You did, however, say that you have spoken to one of the DV detectives before, so perhaps an informal call for advice might yield good advice and also communicate some of your story and build the relationship in case it's helpful later.  

Another bit of advice I've heard is to establish a special e-mail just for documenting abuse.  You can e-mail yourself, or even better, a friend he doesn't know (I used a friend from college who lived across the country) when something happens like your wallet going missing.  That puts a time stamp on things.  If any relevant audio recordings exist (like him gloating over taking the wallet, or making odd references to it), it'd be good to attach them to the e-mail.  That avoids the problem of having a large amount of audio to sort through under less than ideal conditions if the wheels come off the bus.

I'm also not so sure about a lock box in the house if he can find it.  Better to have things out of the house at a family member's, on Google, etc.  Also, anything in a lock box in the house is not accessible if you have to leave suddenly.

You can give key documents to family like your parents or a sibling.  Speaking of your parents, how much do they know?

WW

[Thea]

Im brand new here, I have things hidden too. Ths makes me feel less crazy. My spouse took my keys and my old cell phone a few months ago.

[Enabler]

A few words of advice from personal experience for covert operations:

Have patience... .leave 30 minutes after they have left before commencing operation search, they have an uncanny habit of coming back because they've forgotten something, especially if they're suspicious. If you have "Find my phone" on your iphone and share itunes account you can check his whereabouts on that to ensure the coast is clear. If it's not 100% safe to engage... .don't risk it.

WW is bang on with his assessment of where to look. Think like a man and think about places in your home, outbuildings or vehicles where he would think you'd fear to tread... .or from what you've said, he thinks you're too stupid to look.

One of the biggest mistakes I have made in my search to clarify fact from fiction is to tell her what I found. Every time you tell them, they learn and adapt. If you find his secret hiding place, leave what you find or replace it in EXACTLY the same way... .e.g. get the safety deposit key, get the stuff you need and put it in a new safety depo box and return the old key or a replacement. He needs to believe he has the upper hand still in my opinion... .at the very least for your own safety. The longer he believes he has control even when he doesn't, the less likely he is to go and seek to re-establish his control. Ultimately if he believes you to be stupid and ignorant then he will let his guard down.

My guess is he feels very strong and powerful when he puts you in the 1 down position, strong and powerful people by their very nature think other people are stupid... .acting stupid may not be the worst of plans, all the while thinking strong and powerfully

Let me reiterate one of my biggest lessons... .showing and telling what you find will just serve to make them adapt and evolve. Evolution is bad for your cause and it won't stop his antics, it will just make it tougher for you to resolve/find information you need. Do not tell friends with any connection back to your spouse what you have found... .it always gets back and promotes evolution.

[Dignity&Strength]

Wow, thank you everyone. I feel like I have a virtual army helping me think through this. I’ve been here several times in the past few days, readin and re-reading your posts, but not having ample time to write back.

All the guy hiding places, I’ve checked. It’s in his large stand up liberty safe, that I don’t have the code to get into, I’m sure. I’ve checked in air ducts, truck box, garage, attic. And one other... .he takes the freight train to Memphis, stays at least 10 hours there before coming back. I checked with the hotel manager, after he checked out to come back. I asked her to have the staff be on the lookout in trash cans in the hallways around the hotel. There was a risk with that that I took, with he manager possibly having loyalty to him and reporting back that I had asked, but I told her I may be in danger if he knew I called, so... .maybe I can get away with that. I would not make that same choice again though... .too risky.

Today is our 9 year anniversary.  I am going to be as normal and thankful for today as sways. I think this whole chaos was partially ignited by my dad... .who thought he was speaking softly enough in the living room, with H in the bedroom, but wasn’t. I have fixed that, but words can’t be unspoken. I can only love H and re-assure him, what my dad said is not what I am acting on.  (Partial Comments about attorney)  Up until that mistake, my H thought he had my dad fooled, that he wasn’t doing this to me. My dad is extremely passive. My H could probably hit me right in front of him and he wouldn’t do anything.

My parents know everything. We have emergency exits out of the house and duplicates of their meds and things locked in their vehicle. Phone chargers too. My H seems to like to take those.

I talked with the DV detective right after my wallet went missing. We decided not to file a report yet. That’s a bad idea. Got to stay safe first. H has got to feel like he has won. The only time he ever was physical with me, I had him verbally in a corner, where he was so flustered that he didn’t have a reply, was guilty, and stuck. I won’t make that same mistake again.

Such wise advice, guys. Thank you. With a passive dad here this week making things better and worse, it helps to have sharp minds on this. Yes, don’t let him know I found his hiding place. I have done that with the phone records. He doesn’t know I can check the logs to see when he has talked with his mean friend talking him through  what to do to me. I find it, it matches crazy crap my H says, with the timing, and then I understand. But I never tell him I can do that. He is computer illiterate. But his friend is a computer hacker, works for blackboard.

So, when I know his friend is coming through town, I turn off all devices, put them on airplane mode, etc.

Gotta run.
Safety, wisdom, and no panic here.
Thanks everyone.
Dig

[Radcliff]

Dig,

Hmm... .let me wish you a... .peaceful anniversary.

Does he have your driver's license?  Do you need to drive to take care of chores he cares about?  Perhaps becoming less willing to drive, letting your mom or dad do the driving this week, etc. might exert some light pressure?  You're not making a power statement, just saying "honey, I'm really worried about getting pulled over by the police and not having a license... ."

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Well, thank you for the anniversary wishes!

At 9 years into this, I am tired and don't really recognize myself.  When and if this is over, I need about a week to myself in a pretty place with a full salon and spa, .  But, there are blessings.  I have to count those regularly, and try to focus on the good.  Today's blessing is, I have a couple hundred dollars of fresh lumber and a project, perhaps the last one with my dad, since he is 79.  I am thankful, and taking as many photo ops with my son and him together, woodworking as I can.  Think, little kids Bosch tools and grandpas real ones, side by side.  4 and 79.  Its enough to make me cry happy tears.

I may file a plain and simple missing wallet, factual police report, not an accusing one.  It is missing.  That is true. 
For now, we are dealing with him on his way home from work, and it is likely he has marked off of work for the next few days, intruding on my last time together here with my parents.  He certainly doesn't want my son learning manly things like woodworking from my dad.  I don't know what that's about.  But, that's typical of H.

I'll update here as I can. 
Dig.

[Dignity&Strength]

Oh, about the driver's license... .I kept an old sams club photo id and triple a card in the storage unit.  Those were enough to get my license renewed.  And... probably no surprise to you all, he does not want me leaving the house.  He does not think I have reason to.  In this part of the country, it is called being a "kept" woman, I discovered.  Groceries? Don't need them.  He would rather stay hungry and rail thin.  Toys and outings for S4? "All he needs are dirt clods and sticks in the back yard"... .isolation.  It's a common power and control thing.

Dig.

[Radcliff]

Today's blessing is, I have a couple hundred dollars of fresh lumber and a project, perhaps the last one with my dad, since he is 79.  I am thankful, and taking as many photo ops with my son and him together, woodworking as I can.  Think, little kids Bosch tools and grandpas real ones, side by side.  4 and 79.  Its enough to make me cry happy tears.

Lady, that's enough to make a guy cry happy tears!  Back those photos up to the cloud!  Do you have all your precious photos backed up to the cloud, safe from fire and husbands, with an account you control?  Or backed up to a hard drive stored at your parents'?

And... probably no surprise to you all, he does not want me leaving the house.  He does not think I have reason to.  In this part of the country, it is called being a "kept" woman, I discovered. 

Wow, you learn something new every day!  I thought being a "kept woman" meant that you lived in a sunny loft apartment eating bonbons, with no kids, while someone bought you expensive clothes and jewelry and took you to the opera.  Did you sign up for the wrong program?  Maybe the "kept woman" plan is different in your state than in mine. 

"All he needs are dirt clods and sticks in the back yard"... .isolation.  It's a common power and control thing.

Dirt clods and sticks are great!  That gets you 30% of the way there.  Add a shovel and toy cars, and you've got 60% of a healthy childhood covered I think!  For the other 40%, yup, probably you have to leave the property... .

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Uh oh. More trouble brewing... .

There are 2 phone calls on his log. One to title max and the other to a realtor. What could this be? My van is in joint title and so is the house. The loans on them... .he is sole on the house and we are joint on the van. Underhanded divorce prep tactics? Could
This be what he’s up to? And how to prevent it?

Dig.

[Tattered Heart]

Could you confront him about your suspicions, in a public place. Not by sharing info that you know but just going to dinner and telling him you feel like something weird is going on and are wondering if he is going to leave you?

When he presses for why you would think that, just say you don't really know why, you just feel uneasy so you wanted to talk about it.

[Radcliff]

Could you confront him about your suspicions, in a public place. Not by sharing info that you know but just going to dinner and telling him you feel like something weird is going on and are wondering if he is going to leave you?

When he presses for why you would think that, just say you don't really know why, you just feel uneasy so you wanted to talk about it.

That is an interesting idea.  Dig, you should trust your gut on this one.  Telling him you think something is up might make him go deeper underground.

What makes you think that he wants to divorce you?  This may seem like an odd question, but do you think he is happy in the marriage?  Is it working for him?

I thought Title Max was a title company but I see they do car title loans.  I'm just guessing, but this could be a way to get cash out of one of your joint assets and hide it before a divorce.  He could claim that he's spent it.  He might be able to do the same with the house.  Do you have a lawyer?  It seems like it would be a good idea to talk to a family lawyer who has a good understanding of the property, debt, and marital laws in your state.  This is a huge piece of information you have.  You might or might not be able to take protective action, but it's helpful that you understand what might be happening beforehand.  I wonder if it's possible to somehow block or encumber the house and car title so he can't take a loan out on them.

Are you in a cash crunch where he might want a title loan to just do normal family operations, or is does the "hiding the money" scenario seem more likely?  One question is to ask what he might do with a chunk of money.  One thing might be a retainer for a lawyer.  Hey, I'm really sorry to be thinking of all these dire things.  If you have access to call logs you might check unknown numbers to see if there are any lawyers. 

I'm rereading this thread and saw that a couple of good questions by Tattered Heart and isilme got overlooked in the flood of responses you got.  Can you let us know your thoughts on these:

Is there a way to mentally disarm him? Not to manipulate per say, but share with him your wanting to keep the family together so that maybe he won't feel the need to steal your things.

I'm not familiar with your circumstances to say much, but what is happening to where he might be initiating divorce?  How have things been escalating since November? 

 

Hang in there,

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

HI all,

I’m exhausted, but sleeping on the fresh smell of lumber and a homemade Ana White farmhouse storage bed, King Size! Yay for grandpa!

Everyone’s words and advice have rung trueduring this crazy week. I haven’t been able to respond here like I would want to. The “disarming” tactic from tattered heart worked well! I disarmed by explaining the entire contents of my wallet that was missing that I was concerned about, with logical explanations for what he may have found. And, I assured him, I am not about to tear our family apart, especially with the skills I’m gaining, halfway through my MA lmft. Sometimes, he sounds like he needs assurance that he’s important, that I would be distraught to lose him. Which makes sense with someone who loves me, but this guy is nearly all contempt and disgust. Why on earth would he need assurance of something he’s worked so hard to destroy? Beats me. But, it disarms him. So I do it.

I’m sorting through the title thing. And the wallet thing. Such chaos. The last time I was with my parents, he re-routed half his paycheck to a separate account and nearly killed my cat. So, since November... .it really started escalating. Hm. His buddy’s divorce was final then... .and with S4 and I gone for about 8 weeks to my parents, there were long convos between those 2 while I was gone.

My H seems fo follow the advice or opinion of the last male he talked with. It’s been this way since I’ve known him, back to 2008. So, maybe escalating based on his buddy’s divorce tactics horror stories? His buddy was purely evil to his wife, but the judge thankfully didn’t let him get away with it. Every time he seems to have gotten worse, I can check the home log and there it is... .buddy phone call, hours long.

Thanks everyone. I’m ok. Counting blessings instead of chaos, that’s where my self care begins.

Dig

[Radcliff]

I’m exhausted, but sleeping on the fresh smell of lumber and a homemade Ana White farmhouse storage bed, King Size! Yay for grandpa!

OK, so I had to look up the Ana White farmhouse storage bed.  Awesome!

There was a picture of a pretty Ana White in the upper corner of the Web page; she looked barely old enough to be my kids' babysitter.  Her real story is much more impressive!  A mom in Alaska whose husband built their house and she learned to use power tools so she could make furniture they couldn't afford to buy. 

Everyone’s words and advice have rung trueduring this crazy week. I haven’t been able to respond here like I would want to. The “disarming” tactic from tattered heart worked well! ... .Sometimes, he sounds like he needs assurance that he’s important, that I would be distraught to lose him. Which makes sense with someone who loves me, but this guy is nearly all contempt and disgust. Why on earth would he need assurance of something he’s worked so hard to destroy? Beats me. But, it disarms him. So I do it.

It makes total sense to them.  It matches my experience, and what I've read in Bancroft books and Eric Stark's book.  Abusers have emotional needs.  They just don't have effective tools.  Stark talks about what a massive amount of energy it takes to be a controlling man.  It's a full time job, and very stressful.  Your husband wants you to be there for him.  He is not functional enough to know that the tools he is using are destructive.  My wife was the same way.  Over the years, I was dumbfounded that when she most needed me, she turned on me.  In her effort to contain me so that she felt safe, she used control, threats, and physical violence to the point that I felt unsafe in every sphere of my existence.  She was destroying the person who she wanted to meet her needs. 

So, it's good news that he feels better with your assurances.  If your assurances stop being effective at some point, you'll want to take note of that.

My H seems o follow the advice or opinion of the last male he talked with. It’s been this way since I’ve known him, back to 2008.

I'm reading a case history in the Stark book about a guy who carried on an absolutely horrific regime of violence and coercive control against his wife.  He had no healthy ways to feel confident in his identity as a man.  "Manliness" to him became total control and physical dominance.  It was like he was fighting for his very existence -- if he lost control of his wife, he wouldn't be a man.  You've mentioned that your husband may feel vulnerable in this area, so it makes sense that he is referencing other guys.  Are there any healthy manly men in your guys' universe who you might be able to point him at, or point at him?  Are there any healthy ways you can shore up his manly feelings?  Is he capable with tools?  An Ana White bedside table as a confidence building project?  That bed is a pretty studly accomplishment for a 79 year-old passive dad, so he may need a boost after that.

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi everyone,

WW, regarding the other manly men, I have, for years, encouraged him to participate in men’s church activities. That severely backfired on me. His behavior improved for a short while, maybe 24-48 hours, then right back to like before. It lasted about as long as a clean diaper on a newborn, . It backfired, because he wears his mask to church and in front of other peopl. When I tried to get help from the men in the church, they didn’t believe me. There’s an excellent resource about this, by Jeff Crippen and Ana Wood, called A Cry for Justice, how domestic abuse hides in your church. It’s geared towards church leaders. Anyway, I tried hat and Leslie Vernick, and still, no avail. I was fighting on 2 fronts, with my Husnand on one and my church leaders on the other. It was exhausting. And never worked. Men in charge don’t like to be taught anything, around here in church anyway, especially from a women. Ugh... .,just More disturbing aspects southern US culture. It’s ok. My support system now are the farmers, yoga and Native American culture, herbalists and such. It’s ok.

I try with asking my husband for assistance with things, to try to feed his ego. I think though, his source of supply has shifted from me to my son. His ego gets pumped. Y walking my son up and down the street in front of the neighbors. It reminds me of Rhett Butler walking Bonnie in her carriage in Gone with the wind... .

Well, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, trying to prepare as best I can.
Spare cell phone, gas cards, keys, just rebuilding the safety plan. My parents l ave tomorrow, and I’m feeling my emotions rising with anxiety and fear. Which is his goal, I suppose. Gotta do some self care today, for sure, get my head on my shoulders straight. Cowgirl up I suppose. Thankfully, my dad’s truck is a giant chill pill on wheels... .think, heavy duty, American made, all the frills and very laid back bluegrass music. Since I’m dealing with a man sized problem, I may borrow my dad’s coping strategy for a trip to town, at least.

Dig.

[I Am Redeemed]

Dig,

I am sorry you had such a bad experience with church leaders in your area. Perhaps where you live is still stuck way behind in the times, but I assure you that is not the case in all Southern towns. I cannot fathom that your appeals for  help were met with disbelief and inaction. It is people like that who give Christians a bad rep, and Southerners too for that matter. Inconceivable.

I think you might be dead-on about the conversations your h has with his male friend, and how that might be what is fueling the contempt, controlling behavior and the "I'll get her before she gets me" attitude he seems to have. Possibly he is projecting onto you based on stories his buddy told him about his ex wife. My uBPDh has done the same thing to me after talking with one of his friends. A certain friend of his was sure that his gf was cheating on him and lying to him, and after that conversation my husband began treating me as if I were acting in the same manner as his friend's gf. It was immediate projection, and it lasted for a long time. I have seen him do it even after watching certain movies or TV shows. He would see something that confirmed his distorted perceptions about me and then the projection would begin. It was so frustrated to be treated as if I had done some horrible thing that I had not.

Maybe this buddy of his has stirred him up, but have you considered that he might be thinking about the 10 year anniversary coming up next year? Maybe he thinks you are just waiting it out until then and then you plan to leave?

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

Dig,

Thanks for the update.  Enjoy the remaining time with your parents!  Make sure to give us an update in a couple of days on how things are going after their departure.

WW

[Radcliff]

Hey Dig,

I see you've been on the board supporting others, thanks!  Now give us an update on how you are doing!  Did you get to say a nice goodbye to your dad's truck?  Were you able to enjoy your last day or two with them on this visit?

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi WW,

Yeah, I like helping others, and it helps me not to obsess over my own stuff... .maybe a little avoidance? At any rate, I’ve been sitting back, watching the dynamics of the house here unfold. My H is gone about 72+hours at a time for work, and we’ve only had one period of 48 hours with him home.

Here’s my take on it... .he has me in the one-down position, so he’s comfortable. He thinks he’s won. And, if I’m smart, I’ll let it stay that way for a while, no outward signs of strength for him to tear down. It feels like a sick twisted mind game. And here’s how I feel about it... .if I were getting paid to be an emotional mouse for this guy, that’s one thing, but I’m not... really. Just a roof over my head and down time to self care and raise S4. Which is priceless, when he’s gone.

I regret the cost of it, to me though. Regrets of teenage and early 20’s first love is extremely strong. I wish there were a way to rescue myself out of this hell and be free to be found by my first love again. Alas, that is the stuff that they make hallmark movies out of. They are just happy thoughts to relieve the pain of being discarded, for the better part of my years that I wanted more children and a happier life. The “what-if” dream kind of keeps my heart safe from my H’s cruelty.

I am plugging away at my exit plan, one class at a time, hopefully headed into my internship in a year. I’m trying to find the joys in each day, all the while keeping everything important in a storage unit, and wearing the key, hidden. It’s impossible to not go by there without S4, because I need hidden wallet items for purchases. So, I call a stop by there, “running errands”. S4 calls it the errand place. That’s risky, but if he ever says that in front of H, it is beside the grocery store/bookstore/Panera shopping center, where we spend a lot of time. So the errand place could reasonably be that shopping center. Still makes me nervous though.

I am in touch with the new DV detective, and am working on putting together documentation of the more concerning evidence for him. That’s a bear of a project, combing through audio files, but I can do a little each time I leave the house to do schoolwork.

So, I am basically lonely, sad, afraid, and trying to be calm, thankful and diligent.
Whew. S4 and I were fortunate enough to spend the day with a local herd of semi-tame horses yesterday, and some new friends, with H at work. It’s incredible. S4 made friends with a foal born at the beginning of the month yesterday, the photos are amazing.

I am sitting back, enjoying a few minutes of quiet and coffee, before S4 needs mommy and H comes in off of a train, turning the chaos fan back on, .

Thanks for listening, and take care, BPD Family!
Dig

P.s, about my dad’s truck leaving... .that was something to grieve, yet a loss and acceptance on 2 fronts. Being faced with my family of origin and the adult results, simultaneously, is eye opening! My dad is great, but just cannot affirm or validate. He is passive and like a chess coach, who can find little positive in most possible moves. I will keep his self-care thing though... .a slow air conditioned ride with very gentle bluegrass melody playing on the CD player. It’s an oversized chill pill on wheels!

[Radcliff]

Dig,

Thanks for the update!  Nice story about the horses!

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Update: wallet found today. We are by ourselves, uBPDh is at work.

It was in the master bathroom, in a drawer. When I hid my large purse that night, I put it in the playroom, while my husband was taking a shower in the master bathroom. I wouldn’t have taken the wallet out and hidden it where he was. Maybe, he snuck it out of my bag on the way to the shower, and I unknowingly hid just my bag... or maybe he simply put it there later, after getting it in the middle of the night from the playroom. I don’t know. At any rate, my safety plan is nearly finished being rebuilt and  has a higher threshold of permeability!

Dig

[Radcliff]

Dig, thanks for the update.  Were the contents of the wallet just as you'd left them?  Is the wallet in a place where you can "legitimately" claim to have come across it, or must you leave it there?

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Dig, thanks for the update.  Were the contents of the wallet just as you'd left them?  Is the wallet in a place where you can "legitimately" claim to have come across it, or must you leave it there?

WW

Hi, WW,

I can't tell about the contents.  I put it in a ziplock bag and tried not to touch it too much.  Maybe fingerprinting can help prove he did this, but I'm not sure I want to escalate it that far.  I decided, to remove it from it's place and not say anything at all.  I forgot to lock it up in my storage unit when I was there this afternoon, but I've tucked it away better here for the night, until I can get it there.  It was in a place where I would have come across it, easily in my habits and routines.  I decided, that if he looks to see that it's not there, he will know I have it.  He can't confront me about finding it, legitimately, without blowing his cover of taking it.  I'm wearing a tiny audio recorder that he doesn't know about.  If he asks me if I found it, and I say no, and he outs himself, then I will have absolute proof.  That's dangerous, I know.  This weekend, I'm wearing a concealed small travel passport type thing, with a small simple cell phone, programmed with contacts, an extra van and house key and $100.00.  I'm prepared to have it blow up, if it does.  I don't think it will.  But I'm prepared, just in case.  It's going to take surviving a blow up in order to be successfully granted a restraining order where I am, sadly.  So, I am trying to prepare for if it happens.  If it never does, I may end up at the end of my safe, long, exit plan.  That would be better, in many ways.  The local women's dv shelter is up to date with this situation.  I have help if I need it.  Thank you for keeping up with me.

Dig