DIL With BPD, Worried About My Grandchildren

[feelannihilated]

Hi,  I find myself a little hesitant to say too much about my situation right now... .a little bit paranoid I guess.  I will browse through the site and read a little first I think.  Will briefly say that my DIL (soon to be ex-DIL) has destroyed my sense of self, hurt my son, and I'm overwhelmingly worried about my sweet little grandchildren.

[HappyChappy]

Hi feelannihilated,

Most on here will understand why you feel overwhelmed and annihilated.  This is a very non judgmental and empathetic forum. Your concern for your grandchildren is admirable and understandable but you are on a forum where many were children of a BPD, so will understand. Getting validation and learning techniques from the forum may help you feel more in control. But there no rush. But if you do feel like expanding on things, maybe you can explain whatever it is that is making you anxious. Welcome.

 

[Panda39]

Hi feelannihilated39,

I wanted to join Happy Chappy and welcome you to the BPD Family

I'm sorry your are struggling right now, please know that you are not alone there are many Mom/Grandmothers here that I suspect have gone through things similar to your situation.  Please know that we are here when you are ready to share more.

Take Care, 
Panda

[Turkish]

How has your DIL destroyed your sense of self? What has she done?

[feelannihilated]

Thank you everyone for your welcome and understanding words.  I have been doing some reading and learning about BPD, and it has been very helpful in helping me understand the last 10 years with my DIL.

Part of my hesitation to share what's been going on, is that my son has also found this forum, and he has enough on his plate dealing with a divorce and worry about his young children.  Therefore, I won't delve too much into what's gone on between myself and my DIL over the years.  Suffice to say, I have always known something was wrong with the way she perceived the world and interacted with her son, children, family members, friends, work associates, etc. and it has caused me a lot of anxiety. I was familiar with mental illnesses like depression and anxiety from my side of the family and bi-polar from my husband's side of the family, but I'm only now beginning to understand the personality disorders.  I have always been a "fixer", "people pleaser" etc and from what I've been learning, I understand that is a personality that the BP will take advantage of.  I have my own issues from childhood and have come to realize that I didn't set up proper boundaries with her.

Right now my main concern is my grandchildren.  My son is trying to win custody but right now they are with their mother and she is desperately trying to convince the world that my son is an abuser and unfit to care for them.  The children know that's not true but they're pretty traumatized by their father being kicked out of their life and mom with a new boyfriend a week later.  Her anger issues with them haven't gone away, even with a new man, (she always claims her anger is due to my son) and she really frightens the younger two boys, 4 & 8, with her outbursts.  They act really relieved when it's dad's turn to have them, and are reluctant to return to mom... .quite often getting stomach aches when the time comes. 

His other child, a ten year old daughter, is very depressed, angry, sad... .you name it.  She professes to hate her mom and yet she longs for the mom who isn't angry all the time.  There are many days she refuses to go to school, but the school says to drag her kicking and screaming anyway.  They say her behavior stops once they get her inside and that they feel school is her "happy" place right now.  She hates the accommodation that my son has had to move into... .wants to stay in her own bedroom and house, and prefers the area of town where her friends are... .so he has a hard time getting her to stay with him, even though she doesn't really want to be with her mom.  They quite often compromise, and she comes and stays with me.  We have tried to make her comfortable at the new house, by decorating her bedroom with things that little girls that age like and making it cozy and comfy, but it hasn't helped.  It also doesn't help that her mom uses the situation to complain that it shows my son isn't fit to parent. (She tells the kids these types of things as well.)

My son and I realized very quickly after the breakup of the marriage, that the children needed extra help with their emotions, so they have been seeing a counsellor for about a month now... .and I am hopeful that eventually she will be able to help them.  Right now though my GD is making statements like "my mom has wrecked my life", "nothing is changing", "my life is over", "I can't sleep", "I'm tired all the time", "I try to look like I'm happy, but I'm only pretending".

So that's where we are right now.  My son has changed his work situation in order to be home and available to the kids more.  (He works in an industry that takes him away from home and he has managed to switch to a schedule where he's home for two weeks at a time, and working away for one.)  He's in the preliminary stages of seeking a divorce and of course he is very stressed right now between that and worry about his children.

I know from doing my own "self work" that I can't "fix" this situation, but it would be nice to hear from others, how children have succeeded under these circumstances.     

[Panda39]

Hi fellannihilated,

You are not alone in seeing what you are seeing.  My significant other (SO) and his daughters experienced much of what you describe.  Getting the kids into Therapy is excellent, it gives them someone to talk with that is outside the conflict of their parents and someone that can support them and provide some coping skills. 

Your son might want to talk with your kids teachers and school counselors if he hasn't already.  It would be helpful to have them in the loop... .added support for the kids.  This doesn't mean your son goes in and bad mouth's mom, but he could let them know he and mom are divorcing and he wanted to make them aware that the kids might be under added stress.

I'm glad to hear your son has found us and hope he will take advantage of the support found here.  We have a "Legal" Board with peer support that can be really helpful when going through a divorce with someone with BPD. Members that have been through the divorce process are great at sharing strategies that have worked for them.  There is a good book that he might want to check out if he hasn't already... .Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy. 

Since mom has taken custody of the kids be aware of Parental Alienation. Another book suggestion... .
Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing by Dr. Richard A Warshak

How much contact has your son been having with the kids?  Is there a custody evaluator involved in his case?  Have you been able to have anytime with the kids?

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Angie59]

Hello feelinannihilated!   

I am a biological grandmother to a grandson, 2 years old, and what I consider my granddaughter, 4 years old, but is not biologically my son's.  My son is engaged to a girl who is an uBPD (undiagnosed borderline personality disorder), which is how I will refer to her.  Although they are still together, I see many similarities in just what you have shared so far. 

I may be a little ahead of you learning about personality disorders, best ways to deal with these type of people, etc., but not really too far ahead of you!  I still have so much to learn, and I'm sure go through.  This group has been a safe haven for me and I have already learned so much and am so grateful for the many replies I have gotten from my posts. 

I just wanted to say the same thing I keep telling myself every day, which is hang in there and this is a wonderful place to be with a wonderful group of people! 

I relate to many, many of your feelings.  Maybe it has a lot to do with being a grandmother as well as having a son involved with someone with this personality disorder, so you certainly are not alone, as the others have assured you. 

Take good care of yourself in the process and know you have an ear to bend whenever you need to.

 
Angie59