The anger just doesn’t feel good anymore.

[JNChell]

The anger just doesn’t feel good anymore. I can’t justify it anymore. What’s done is done, but the anger remains. I share a beautiful child with this person. I’m exhausted from the feelings that I have towards her. I love her, but I am pissed off at her. I’m trying to come down from this. To see it at a level. A center. I’ve been missing her in so many ways lately  when I thought I was in the clear a bit. Maybe that adds to the anger. Thinking you’re in the clear, then it’s back. Then becoming more angry at that fact alone. The

[JNChell]

Mustbe, thank you for reaching out. I agree that anger is necessary in the healing processes, and that it isn’t a good place to set up camp. With that being said, I’d like to tie this thread back together and get back on the topic of junk (irresponsible) web psychology and the effects that it can have on a person that truly wants to recover. Whoever that may be.

[Dargumin]

What I’m getting at is that I don’t want to hate my ex. I went in the wrong direction in trying to achieve that. I want to learn how to be compassionate and sympathetic towards her. I want to grasp and understand that she’s a person in need of that. The thing is, and anyone reading this, please take heed. I ruined all of that with her through anger and feelings of victimhood. I told her what I thought was wrong with her because I was angry. Because I was a victim. In that state of mind, nothing gets fixed. The signs that you see on this site that say “Beware of Junk Psychology”, are there for a reason.

I really applaud your attitude to your ex here. They didn't ask for this disorder and I'm sure they showed signs of a good a person, despite some of the awful things they no doubt did to you.

[JNChell]

Thanks, Dargumin! I appreciate that. I’m still struggling with my feelings towards her. I hope I’m able to reach that point with her. I don’t want to express those things to her outwardly, but I’d like to possess those feelings along with a healthy dose of indifference for my own piece of mind. After speaking with my T, I feel like I have finally hit the stage of acceptance in the fact that she is highly unlikely to recognize or change herself. That’s a little liberating, and a little sad at the same time.

[wellwellwell]

Thanks, Dargumin! I appreciate that. I’m still struggling with my feelings towards her. I hope I’m able to reach that point with her. I don’t want to express those things to her outwardly, but I’d like to possess those feelings along with a healthy dose of indifference for my own piece of mind. After speaking with my T, I feel like I have finally hit the stage of acceptance in the fact that she is highly unlikely to recognize or change herself. That’s a little liberating, and a little sad at the same time.

That acceptance was really important for me. It's now strange to remember that I ever thought she would change, if that helps. For me, it is still think it's important to retain a natural protective anger about the things my ex did to me. I think of it as a growl at something coming at me regardless of who or what it is or whether it's deliberate. It's just a response to danger. But that's very different from a rage at her, because I've slowly centered my life around me. I do think that forgiveness has a place, but only after I've protected myself. I hope that makes sense.

[JNChell]

wellwellwell, nicely put. Your post makes total sense. What you described sounds like a firm and healthy boundary that you’ve placed between yourself and something that has caused you pain in the past. You’re right about this, and I’m sure I will have my “growl” on hand if I ever need it. Thanks for the support!

[Jeffree]

JNChell,

Thanks for being so open and honest here.

You have said you share a child with your ex. I assume you have to see her as a result of this.

What is she like during these exchanges? Perhaps that's what incites some of the anger?

J

[JNChell]

Hey, Jeffree. Yes. It certainly didn’t help. As it is now, I haven’t seen her face to face in over a month. Things are now set up with daycare and her sister to where we don’t see each other for exchanges. I’m a little worried about Easter. I may have to see her then. I’m hoping to find a way around that, though. Thanks!

[Jeffree]

Do you ever think that she'll realize the folly of her ways and offer up some kindness and acknowledgment of all you tried to do to make things work, and the more that time goes by the more infuriating it becomes that such a simple, kind gesture is not in the offing?

I know it goes against everything we've come to learn about BPDs here to assume this could happen, but that doesn't mean a part of us thinks ours might be the exception to the rule and be decent toward us at a certain point.

BTW, whose choice was it to use her sister as the go-between?

J

[JNChell]

My T asked me the same question yesterday. I answered “no”. She never will, and if she does, she’ll never admit it.

It was her idea to use her sister. We were between daycares for a couple of weeks, so her sister and cousin were watching him. I initiated the no face to face contact as was persistent about making it happen.

Jeffree, I did try to make it work, and I sacrificed a lot in doing so, but I have to be open about just how bad I got, myself. I started drinking a lot and having my own issues with disregulation. I was unable to leave and I was destroying myself because of that. Yes, I’m still angry, and she has every right to be just as angry at me. I have to own my 50% here. I want to.

The hope that she will face up to anything at all is done. The most I ever got from her is “I know I f’d up too”. That was her answer to me asking her why she blamed it all on me. When I asked what she was referring to? Silence. Vague and impersonal. That was the apology. There was one other time in couples counseling when the T asked her if she could apologize to me. It turned into me asking her if she was sorry for X,Y,Z,1,2,3... .and her simply answering yes to each individual issue. I will never get a meaningful apology from her, but perhaps I don’t deserve one. Sorry. This got long winded.

Thanks, J.

[once removed]

i remember when my own anger didnt feel good anymore. it was like a dull burn. an irritation. something that just made me feel... .restless.

have you thought about putting it into some sort of creative action? writing prose really got it out of my system.

[Jeffree]

But isn't that the thing? We feel compelled to be perfect AND be able to help the pwBPD so that we might continue the relationship that started off so promisingly, then when we look back at times when we faltered we start picking ourselves apart and use any little miscue as rationale for them seeing us as the can they kicked down the road.

It is such a disservice to us and our nature and best efforts.

J

[JNChell]

Hi, or! I certainly have. T and I discussed this yesterday. I’m going to get back into all of my interests again. I gave them all up in the r/s. It’s been difficult to do since I’ve been staying with my best friend, but some good things have been happening for me that should have me in my own place in roughly a month. I’m ready to just be out in public and around people more, albeit nowhere that I’d hope to run into my ex. Thanks for reaching out, once removed.

[JNChell]

Yes, J! It is conflicting as h**l!

[Jeffree]

JNChell,

It's much less conflicting when we get our thoughts unentangled from all the crap our pwBPD said and did to us.

J

[JNChell]

That’s why I’m here, man.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JNChell,

It's wonderful to hear that you plan to pick things up again that you had let go of doing.  I found this so empowering after my r/s.  It was amazing the difference it made in me to get back involved in things I love to do and also to start new things that I hadn't managed to get to before.  I hope that things work out soon for you on the home front.  It will be nice to have a fresh start in your own place.  Sounds like you're finding positive ways to work through these feelings.  I just have to say that even after 3 years since I split up with my son's (narcissistic) father, I still have times where I feel intense anger towards him.  However on the whole I have learned with the help of my counsellor to protect myself from putting myself in the situations where this can arise.  It just takes time and things genuinely do get better.  You are both raw right now.  Give yourself some slack and try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be feeling differently.  Ride out the discomfort and vent here all you need to.  We get it.

Love and light x

[Cromwell]

I realised as time went on that despite feeling the worst feelings of anger ive ever had towards this person, it subsides because I came to a realisation that rather than thinking that this person "made" me feel this way, it was because I had not responded to the abusive treatment - when - it happened. It is not so much an anger at her, as an anger towards myself for not dealing with the situation differently. Then when I think of how is it I could have acted better, I realise, actually I did excellent considering the circurmstances. In fact, thank god I did so well to have had the strength to refrain from smashing her face in, despite feeling that way at the time. At that point the anger I realise is more a form of a ptsd flashback to very upsetting moments I had gone through. Ive learned to shrug them off, not by denying them, but accepting that my future happiness is what I decided is more important. At least any anger feelings have became transient rather than when I kept in the relationship and probably by now I wouldnt be back on the road - as a stronger person - id probably be dead by now, so having a little bit of anger when the memories are recalled I see as the body/mind's way of reminding me to be careful in future not to let a similar thing happen. After all, I think on a physiological level, that this is what the emotion is, a protective measure and should not be feared.