Have you read the book "High Conflict Couple"?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just got the book "The High Conflict Couple" and my partner and I are planning to use it/ read it together week by week. Does anyone have any tips on how they used this book for relationship betterment? I have had self help books in the past and they can help like for a minute. I think it's important to be committed and diligent and work together on the issues by becoming aware and then putting into practice how to respond better.  I'm excited for our commitment in reading this together. I would love to hear if others have had experiences, even if not from the book, how you have moved through reactions and conflict with your partner  and put in practice different conflict resolution strategies. PS my partner and i are not BPD, but my father is which has seemed to leave deep wounds on me where I highly sensitive. Also both my partner and I are pretty reactive.

[kitsch]

I just got the book "The High Conflict Couple" and my partner and I are planning to use it/ read it together week by week. Does anyone have any tips on how they used this book for relationship betterment? I have had self help books in the past and they can help like for a minute. I think it's important to be committed and diligent and work together on the issues by becoming aware and then putting into practice how to respond better.  I'm excited for our commitment in reading this together. I would love to hear if others have had experiences, even if not from the book, how you have moved through reactions and conflict with your partner  and put in practice different conflict resolution strategies. PS my partner and i are not BPD, but my father is which has seemed to leave deep wounds on me where I highly sensitive. Also both my partner and I are pretty reactive.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sladezy]

I started reading it last week by myself, Hoping I can learn better ways to communicate when I encounter my ex. I'm interested in see what others comment here too. I hope the exercises in the book help you both to achieve what you're setting out to do together. All the best.

[Radcliff]

kitsch,

I'm glad to hear that you're reading the book!  I have read it, and felt like the book's approach would have been very helpful in my relationship.  My wife read part of it, and unfortunately wasn't willing to try applying it to our relationship.  So it's fantastic that you have a dual commitment to read through the book.

The best advice I have is to be patient with each other, and celebrate successes, even small ones.  Look for even a little progress to acknowledge.  If you fall of the horse, dust yourself off, climb back in the saddle, and try again.

I you would be willing to keep us posted as you work your way through the book, and share you and your partner's experiences with us, it would help many!

WW

[Calmcollected]

Went and ordered it today. Should be in next week. I’m excited.

[ArleighBurke]

It's a good book to read with your BPD partner, because it DOESN'T mention BPD at all. It just talks about mindsets. In that way, it may be helpful for you both.

However, for your own (non) development, Stop Walking on Eggshells is better.

[Calmcollected]

I read walking on eggshells. I’m looking for something we can use together.

[kitsch]

My partner and I are going to schedule a chapter to read and discuss each week together. We are both SO tired of our relationship conflict patterns and this book looks like there are activities to use. I have been in couple’s therapy before (not with this partner) and truly found it draining financially and also I don’t  really think out loud rehashing to a 3rd party is the best process to resolve (for me).  Practicing positive actions, reflecting on them and keep practicing is what I hope to accomplish.   

[Radcliff]

kitsch,

Will you let us know what you and your partner think after you read each chapter, and tell us of any successes or setbacks you have in applying what you've learned?  Sharing your experiences would be hugely valuable.

WW

[kitsch]

My partner and I started reading the High Conflict Couple this weekend and read the first chapter about emotions and getting dysregulated. We also took in what the author had to say about high emotional sensitivity and low emotional sensitivity and were able to identify how each of us get dysregulated. We took turns reading it out loud to each other and since the chapters are not that long it seems to be a good length. So far I am really happy with this process of reading a chapter a week and discussing a little and putting in to practice. We spent about 1 ½ hours reading and then discussing so it wasn’t too intense.  And for the past few days I have taken note of my feelings and reactions and even have used a scale to rate my heightened sensitivities and reflect. Also my partner has been able to respond much better to me and over the past few days have checked in with me more about my feelings. I think they understand a little more why we do what we do and that there is way to respond in better ways.

I like that I am not shelling out $100 a session for a therapist - not that therapy is not helpful at points for me or for others- but for me now it’s not what I want.  And I’m building a closer connection to my partner through guided reading.

I for sure have some residual trauma that I am grappling with from growing up with a BPD Dad. I have trust issues, I am highly sensitive, I take a lot of responsibility for things that aren’t mine. I’m also pretty successful at navigating life, my career and home. So being armed with something  that helps me develop a more trusting and loving relationship with my partner (who also of course has stuff of their own) feels very empowering.

[Radcliff]

kitsch,

Wow, that is wonderful to hear.  I am so glad that it is working for the two of you!  That is really the best case scenario.  Keep us posted.  If you two can stay on track through the whole book it will be epic! 

WW

[kitsch]

Read chapter 2 in the book with my partner  – “Accepting Yourself and Your Partner”  - This chapter focuses a lot on mindfulness and specific techniques of how to describe one’s observations and feelings. For me this is helpful because I realize from growing up with my BPD Dad and just life, that I often don’t process for myself how I am feeling. The effect of this is that by the time I feel the need to express (to myself or to my partner) I am so overwhelmed and my feelings are complex and way intense.  This past week I simply took notice of when I felt anxious, even just a little and just observed. Sometimes I expressed my anxiety to my partner, sometimes I just took a personal note. While there was certainly more processing this week verbally about maybe some mundane tasks and activities in my life, I think this slower processing was helpful in remaining calm overall.  It also allowed my partner and I to discuss more about “us” and get closer.

The 2nd chapter also hit on the difference between primary and secondary emotions and being mindful of judgments made and how judgements escalate. So this week my partner and I are going to practice describing to each other our surroundings and then also try to minimize judgement when we do describe. My partner grew up with more yelling and anger than I did, so at times her expressed angry scares me and triggers me. I think especially for my partner, understanding what anger really is –a lot of built up disappointment, that this week’s activities of naming primary emotions and describing as much as one can without judging will be really useful for us both.

I feel fortunate that I am in a partnership in which we are both reading and working on this together, because it really does make a difference. I have read countless self-help books about relationships. I feel as if finally I am with someone who wants to improve how we communicate and puts in the time, effort and will practice with me. I appreciate how the book has a focus of what to practice so for each week we have something that we can learn, not just rehash each negative engagement (which has been my experience with couple’s talk therapy).

One thing about the book is that it’s not really well written, but I can overlook that. The concepts are great, but there are many run on sentences, overuse of “therefore” and the language is super gendered – with ongoing use of “he” and “she” unnecessarily.  I wanted to mention this for other LGBTQ people out there who may be intrigued  by the book.

[Radcliff]

kitsch,

Thanks for the update!  That is pretty impressive, and lucky, that you have a BPD partner who is so open to growth.  In fact, as you say, it may be lucky, period!  Thanks for mentioning the primary and secondary emotion concept.  It's been a while since I read the book, so correct me if I'm wrong, but do they say that anger is rarely a primary emotion?  That it's usually secondary, and the key is to identify the primary emotion that preceded it?  I found that to be fascinating and useful when I read it.  It's also nice to be reminded of the mindfulness practice of describing without judgement, and it's great that you're doing it as a couples exercise!

WW

[sladezy]

Hi all,

I'm currently reading this book solo, my partner and I are currently separated (unknown if it will be permanently or not yet). Either way we have kids so I need to be able to negotiate more affectively than I do at this time. I'd like to reunite but that is irrelevant at this point. I'm about 2/3Rd's of the way through. At first I was really enjoying it and taking things on board. Now being upto the parts on validation (which I think I need to work on understanding and improving specifically). I'm finding it really painful and physically draining to keep my attention on the book and retain the information. I'm finding my mind wondering onto my ex alot and even to some things I don't want to think about at all. I'm really eager to get through it back feel very overwhelmed a few pages after picking it up. Has anyone read this book or others solo and had similar troubles? Once I finish this I'm moving onto the power of now which will be more focused on myself which is what I think I might need more at this moment but following that I'm going to read boundries. I feel like I need all of this information and developed skills 6 months ago and it's too much to soak up all at once. I'm also a very slow reader with not much time to read. All the while I'm exposed to situations where I need these skills now or risk further damage to our r/s.

[Panda39]

Thanks for mentioning the primary and secondary emotion concept.  It's been a while since I read the book, so correct me if I'm wrong, but do they say that anger is rarely a primary emotion?  That it's usually secondary, and the key is to identify the primary emotion that preceded it?  I found that to be fascinating and useful when I read it.  It's also nice to be reminded of the mindfulness practice of describing without judgement, and it's great that you're doing it as a couples exercise!

Somewhere along the way, someone here shared the emotions wheel with me and I found it helpful in terms of identifying my feelings... .I am a feeler... .sensitive person... .this helped me to articulate better what I was feeling.

Thought you guys might be interested in it... .



My image here is a little small but you can google it for a better look.

Panda39

[Radcliff]

Nice wheel, Panda39!

sladezy and all, I read the book solo.  I thought every word applied to my relationship.  My wife said she read it after I gave it to her.  She said none of it applied    I didn't find myself getting triggered reading it, but sladezy, I definitely feel like I need to read these kinds of things several times before I can absorb them.  I don't think your experience is unique.  It's a lot to absorb, and you're reading under less than ideal circumstances (tired from work and kids, relationship stress, etc.).  Once you've read the books once, you can skip around and re-read specific chapters to reinforce things.

WW