I was served with the divorce papers

[bananas2]

Hello Fam,

It's been almost a month since I posted. I'm starting a new topic as somewhat of a continuation of my last thread.

Backstory for those who haven't read my previous thread:
H's father became terminally ill last Fall, which seemed to be an abandonment trigger for him. H became less communicative and more distant as his father became sicker and as H was forced to spend considerably more time helping his abusive, UBPD, and possibly sociopathic mother. They absolutely hate each other.
Mostly due to the subsequent communication problems in our r/s, we re-entered marriage counseling with a T we both liked. We were making progress and had a lovely wedding anniversary in November, followed by a wonderful Christmas together. Out of the blue, at the end of January, H blindsided me by stating he no longer loves me and wants a divorce. He packed up and left the very next day and moved in with his abusive mother. A few days later, I ended up in the hospital. As I was being discharged, I received an email from him stating that while I was inpatient, he came to our apartment, took the rest of his things, took half the money from our joint account, and filed for divorce. H's father died a few days later (he didn't even tell me) & I was served with the divorce papers a week later. [/size]

https://goo.gl/z4w1da

Now for the update:
It's been a rough month to say the least. I think I'm still in shock. Survival is foremost in my mind, as I'm disabled, with my only income being SSDI, and I'm unable to physically live independently without assistance. I have retained an excellent attorney. H & I still have contact, but only to discuss bills, separating accounts, etc. Until this past weekend, he has been unwilling to discuss any aspects of the r/s or his impulsive decision to separate & file. I, in addition to our lawyers & our T have attempted to encourage him to slow this rapid process down and offer divorce alternatives such as a separation agreement or post-nup. He refuses. It's been explained to him that divorce is going to be extraordinarily expensive and financially devastating for him. He continues to reiterate that he "doesn't care."

I met with him this weekend to get his keys to the apartment and discuss spousal support, bills, etc. We briefly discussed the r/s. He stated that I am "the great love of his life," but he now "despises" me. When asked why, he said that it is bc I "said a lot of things" during marriage counseling. He didn't elaborate. He also said that he was very much in love with me in mid-January, but he fell out of love in "about a week or two." In one breath he said he despises me, in the next, he explained that he "wants nothing but the best for me." It was all so incredibly confusing.

Six weeks ago, this man was rubbing my back and helping me through a horrible pain flare-up, telling me he was so lucky to be my husband, and making vacation plans for us with our families. Now he wants nothing to do with me, and demonstrates only animosity toward me. Of course I've seen this "Mr. Hyde" before, but never for this length of time. He has left before, and many times threatened divorce, but always came back to baseline within a few days/weeks. I fear that this time, I've lost him to his demons for good, yet every time I've thought that in the past, he always came back around.

I am struggling emotionally. I feel I'm doing my absolute best under the circumstances, but this limbo & loneliness are soul-crushing.

I apologize for the lengthy post, but there was much to update.

[isilme]

I am sorry.  This has been a rough time for both of you and BPD just loves to pour lemon juice on open wounds.  He seems to be taking his abandonment fears/feelings via death out on you, and is in a bad place. 

So - a couple of questions:

1.  Do you want a divorce?
2.  Are you in state where you can contest a divorce?
3.  How soon can you get this to your attorney?
4.  What can you do for you today to help you work through the emotions tied to this?  Do you have a friend or family member to call up for support?  Is your T free to talk to you?

[bananas2]

So - a couple of questions:

1.  Do you want a divorce?
2.  Are you in state where you can contest a divorce?
3.  How soon can you get this to your attorney?
4.  What can you do for you today to help you work through the emotions tied to this?  Do you have a friend or family member to call up for support?  Is your T free to talk to you?

1. No. I don't want the divorce. I want a separation with continued marriage counseling & continuation of private therapy for BPDH.
2. Yes, I can contest, but it will only delay it. H will ultimately be granted the divorce if he wants it.
3. My attorney is already highly involved.
4. I have a new T whom I really like and see weekly. I've only seen her a few times bc I just switched from my old T bc I wasn't getting much feedback. I do have a support system of friends & family, but except for one, they all live fairly far from me, so there is almost no face-to-face contact.

[Skip]

This most likely isn't over yet, but it will be without significant changes by both persons. From your perspective that process has to start with you and not be on a contingent or tit-for-tat basis.

You have done some destructive things. He has too, and that has been what drives you, but this is generally where that process ends up.

Are you willing to change?

[bananas2]

Are you willing to change?

Yes, I am absolutely willing to change. I believe I have been making very positive changes and have been working diligently on the goals our MC counselor set for me.
I know I have made my share of mistakes and I'm hyper-aware of my own character flaws. You mention I've "done some destructive things." Can you give me specific examples of what you've noticed I've done that was destructive, so that I can attempt to correct them?


He is in a state of mind right now where all he wants is to run away. He will only talk to me now through text, and only about the logistics of the separation (separating bills, accounts, etc). He says he "despises" me. If I reference even the tiniest thing about our r/s, no matter how positive, he ignores it. With this being the case, how can I demonstrate my changes to him?

[Skip]

Take a look at this article... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

bpdfamily.com encourages couples to spot the classic pattern of relationship breakdown and take action before it goes too far.

According to John Gottman, Ph.D., there is no single reason why a relationship begins to break down. However, once a relationship does start to break down, there is a predictable sequence of events that tends to occur - there are four stages to this sequence which he has labeled, "The Four Horsemen Of the Apocalypse".

Where do you see your relationship in this context?

[bananas2]

Take a look at this article... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

bpdfamily.com encourages couples to spot the classic pattern of relationship breakdown and take action before it goes too far.

According to John Gottman, Ph.D., there is no single reason why a relationship begins to break down. However, once a relationship does start to break down, there is a predictable sequence of events that tends to occur - there are four stages to this sequence which he has labeled, "The Four Horsemen Of the Apocalypse".

Where do you see your relationship in this context?

Stage 4. Is it possible to rebound from Stage 4?

[Radcliff]

First, I am so sorry for the pain of what you are going through.  You were quite articulate in expressing the shock and paradoxical nature of it all.  It is hard for us "nons" to imagine how things could change so quickly.  Even if we are used to quick reversals like this, our brains keep trying to make sense of it the "regular" way, and just cannot.  I am sure that this all just deepens the pain for you, and I am sorry.

Also, while we can really only affect our own behavior, and thus end up focusing much of our discussion there, it is worth calling out that this is a horrible illness, and we are all working in very difficult conditions.  None of this is easy, not hardly.

Let me turn the question you posed to Skip around, and ask you.  Can you identify any behaviors of yours that may have contributed to the most recent relationship troubles, and would have to turn around for things to work?

WW

[bananas2]

Let me turn the question you posed to Skip around, and ask you.  Can you identify any behaviors of yours that may have contributed to the most recent relationship troubles, and would have to turn around for things to work?
WW

I believe my contribution has been two-fold:
1) Not listening as much as I should have.
2) Lack of patience/pushing him too hard.

Yet even if I turned this around 100% (in a perfect world), I don't know how to reach him in the state he is in. He currently appears devoid of all emotion save for hatred toward me. In his eyes, I am the enemy, although I continually relay to him that I am not and never will be. At this point, any mention of the r/s or related emotions sends him running for the hills.

Any ideas on how to break through and reach the kind, compassionate man I know him to be deep down?

Even if we are used to quick reversals like this, our brains keep trying to make sense of it the "regular" way, and just cannot.

Thank  you, WW, for reminding me of this. I needed to hear it.

[formflier]

 
Bananas2,

Hey... .    from FF.

Please accept this a "general guidance" about human nature.  Please reflect on "pushing him too hard".  Please reflect on if "pushing" can be perceived as chasing by him.

If you are chasing someone... .and they are running away... .how do you get them to stop running away... .
(what perception would you suggest you try to give them... or hope they have)?

If you want them to start coming towards you... what perception would you think they should have?

Yes... .I really am wanting you to connect the dots. 

FF

[Radcliff]

OK, so look at those two things and do the opposite.  You don't have too many opportunities to listen, fine.  But if one gets handed to you, be all ears.  Reflect what he says, validate emotions, all the good stuff.

Regarding impatience, well, you can definitely demonstrate patience.  Of course, that's not what you want to do!  You want results!    Seriously, though, you might say that if you just remain patiently silent, things will proceed and the divorce will finalize.

Clearly, if you pursue him, he withdraws to feel safe and in control.  I know you know this.

The only idea that I have to offer is the power of neutral to slightly warm interactions.  As it happens, I can actually speak to you right now as a guy who is "hiding out in the hills" trying to stay away from his wife.  Just a couple of hours ago, I dropped D12 off for a supervised visit with my wife.  We saw each other at the door to her apartment.  She was dressed in a nice sweater, looked well rested, her hair looked nice, and she smiled at me when I dropped off D12.  It instantly made me think of the times when she wasn't abusive, and I could feel the pull.  I'm actually trying to minimize these neutral to slightly warm interactions!  They seem so normal!

I know you may not have many opportunities, but if you can create reasons to see him face-to-face, and make them neutral to slightly warm interactions, even if very brief (maybe even preferably very brief), you may slowly eat away at the wall.  A series of brief (so nothing touchy comes up) neutral to warm interactions may gain some ground.  Another tool might be very sparing use of neutral to slightly positive e-mails.  Short, and many times less frequent than you'd like.  Perhaps a simple note talking about the weather warming up, riding on the back of some inconsequential logistical item.  Stay away from something as obvious as "remember when" but if you can very subtly tickle a positive memory, that could help (careful, though, if he figures out what you're doing, he'll back away).

And, slowing the divorce down if possible.  You are trying to play the long game.  (I know you prefer the short game  )

OK, that's all I've got.  Maybe we could get some of the women members with actual experience wooing guys to chime in!  This is all Wentworth theory! 

WW

[Radcliff]

I just cross-posted with formflier.  FF, I admire your economy of words!  I'm working on that

WW

[formflier]

  I admire your economy of words!  I'm working on that

Thread hijack... .!   

Thank you!  My P has had several frank talks with me.  I've said it before... .much like a grandma serving you milk and cookies... while also telling you big life things.

"Way to many words... .your message gets lost.  The details made perfect sense to me... .I was only considering the sender... .

Much of her work with me is to be deliberate is saying more with less... and considering how it will be heard.

Seriously... .today has been an off day... challenging day.  Many reasons not connected with BPD... .some connected.

Thanks

FF

[bananas2]

Hi all -

It's been a couple of weeks, so I thought I'd give an update.

My interactions with H have been infrequent, mostly through short texts, and always only about logistics. I've given him several opportunities to sign a consent form for spousal support instead of having the court determine the support amount, but he continues to refuse. He is aware that taking this to court will undoubtedly cost him more (lawyer & court fees), but he appears to be in self-sabotage mode, or maybe just not thinking clearly and therefore making poor decisions. So I had no choice but to file for support & we now have a court date in a couple of weeks.

There is an enormous amount of paperwork to complete before the hearing, so that is keeping me busy, although it's anxiety-inducing. I worry that I will not be awarded the amount I need to survive and/or that the court will not force him to pay for my much-needed home care. I've been relying on a couple of friends to help me out with some chores I can't manage, but I can't continue doing that forever. I'm trying to focus only on what I can control, which means diligently completing the paperwork for the hearing.

I've been discussing with my T that this feels similar to a "missing person" situation. The man that I knew and loved is gone and I don't know if he'll ever be back. I feel that if I begin to grieve his loss, then I'm giving up hope of his return. The pictures of us are still on the wall, my ring still on my finger, his side of the closet still empty; much like the parent who keeps the missing child's bedroom exactly as they left it. Limbo is brutal.

Regarding impatience, well, you can definitely demonstrate patience.  Of course, that's not what you want to do!  You want results!    Seriously, though, you might say that if you just remain patiently silent, things will proceed and the divorce will finalize.

Clearly, if you pursue him, he withdraws to feel safe and in control.  I know you know this.

Please accept this a "general guidance" about human nature.  Please reflect on "pushing him too hard".  Please reflect on if "pushing" can be perceived as chasing by him.

If you are chasing someone... .and they are running away... .how do you get them to stop running away... .
(what perception would you suggest you try to give them... or hope they have)?

If you want them to start coming towards you... what perception would you think they should have?

I am no longer pursuing him for answers or explanations, as this generally proves futile and causes him to retreat. I am just letting him be and giving him distance. I do worry, as WW said, that if I remain silent too long, the divorce will finalize. My game plan is to wait for a crack in his emotional armor, and then validate whatever emotions he demonstrates.

Thanks for reading and for your continued support, my friends. 

[Radcliff]

Thank you for the update 
The waiting you describe, not wanting to accept finality, is totally understandable.  We know that in a situation like this, even if the chances are small, things might turn around, so we are reluctant to make the mental shift to adapt to the idea of things being permanent. 

You talk about his urge to go to court being self-destructive, since it will cost him money.  Is there a chance that he is being rational, hoping for reduced support payments that will offset the cost of going to court?

I'm sorry for all the frustration you feel, and can understand the anxiety that can come along with filling out forms that have such emotional significance.  While I can whip out forms at work like there's no tomorrow, dealing with relationship legalities can be so stressful I need to resort to "tricks" like filling out part of the form, taking a rest or reading a book, then going back later.  It is also totally normal to be able to deal with that sort of thing only at certain times of the day, for example in the morning when energy levels are high, and it's a long while before bedtime.

How are things now?  Have you finished the paperwork?  Are you comfortable with how it went?

Keep us posted!

WW

[bananas2]

Hi All -

Just want to give an update for those of you who have been following my thread:

We had the spousal support hearing this past Monday. Long story short: I got less than I wanted, but more than I expected.
The payments will be just enough to keep my head above water, but not enough to pay for my desperately needed home care. Also, the support payments have put me literally just a few dollars above the threshold for receiving government assistance for food and utility bills. Luckily, my attorney was brilliant and appealed to the hearing officer to demand that H pay 50% of all my medical costs in addition to the support amount. This will definitely help. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude at finding (so quickly) such a talented and compassionate lawyer! I'm equally grateful for my dear friend/neighbor who came with me to the hearing for physical and emotional support, and patiently waited for hours until an agreement was reached.

On the emotional front: I believe my demeanor during the proceedings and diligent paperwork preparation paid off for me, although sitting in court with H was even more emotionally draining than I had expected. It was surreal. I had a terribly cathartic cry when I got home. Never in my wildest nightmares did I ever expect it to come to this. H was undoubtedly disappointed and angered by the court's decision, as evidenced by his high-volume exclamation of "This is B.S!" as we were signing off on the support agreement. Even though I could sense his hatred of me at the time, I still felt so awfully sympathetic to this man with a good heart and a horrendous disorder. As I left the courthouse, I saw him strutting away angrily, enrobed in the same shirt and coat he wore on our wedding day, and realized that this is in all probability the last time I will see him outside of a courtroom. It was beyond heartbreaking.

You talk about his urge to go to court being self-destructive, since it will cost him money.  Is there a chance that he is being rational, hoping for reduced support payments that will offset the cost of going to court?

Yes, there was a possibility, although doubtful, that he was being rational in hoping for reduced support payments. He was horribly unprepared for the hearing, and the fact that he did not provide even the bare minimum of the court-mandated documents speaks to his altered state of mind. I feel that I had an almost unfair advantage against him, considering his current lack of mental clarity.

[Radcliff]

Thank you for the update!  I am sorry to hear that you got less than you were hoping for, but the inclusion of the medical payments sounds like a big win, and I imagine that simply having things settled so that you can build a plan around it may come as some relief.  I am so happy to hear that your lawyer was supportive and effective for you, and that you had a friend and neighbor to be there for you!

WW

[bananas2]

Hi All,

Just a quick note to let those of you who have been following my story know that I've moved over to the ":)etaching" section and I'm currently posting there if you want to continue reading my saga. Sadly, it's where I need to be now.

Thank you for all your support, fam. 

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the heads up!  Found you on detaching, for those who want to follow:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324370.0

WW