Am I aiding, enabling or damaging? Parental struggle

[imagine.peace]

Single parent to 17 year old daughter with BPD, which she inherited from her father. Fortunately an only child. I thought I had hit the jackpot with early diagnosis and thought that would prevent her having to go through so much hell if she knew early on. But she is resistant to diagnosis. All my efforts to give her the support she needs has accomplished very little good. I’ve come to see she has to go through all the hell herself before she will get to point that she will acknowledge and want to help herself. Fortunately she doesn’t act out with drugs and in promiscuous ways. She has unstable relationships and battles to follow the rules. Her eating disorder is her way of self harming and can’t be treated the normal way. She lies and likes to control things as much as possible. Her rages have reduced more because I don’t engage and walk away and/or give in. I just fear for her future and am so weary. She has wrecked me as she has become
My focus. Her mood dictates the mood of others. I love her so much but she is hard to like.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Blaublau]

Hi imagine.peace,

let me send you a big hug! it is a difficult struggle.

Going through very similar contemplations. My d16 might be worse in some ways (drugs, sex). She is coming back from a failed RTC experience soon. She is being stabalized right now at a psych unit in Utah.

Read the book "When your daughter has BPD". not sure if it will help, but at least, it helped me to realize many of the mistakes we were making.

Good luck!

[zachira]

You are dealing with a lot of heartbreak and frustration with your daughter. You feel like you have done everything you can do, and have not seen the changes you would like to see. As a caring mother, you are worried what will happen to her.  I am curious about your comment that her mood dictates the mood of others. I don't know a lot about your situation so what I am about to say is really a shot in the dark. I am wondering if when she gets upset, you get upset. I know you say you do best to try not to engage, though there are many ways to engage without realizing it. For example, she gets angry, and then your facial expression shows you are upset. The problem is sometimes people dump the feelings they don't want to deal with on others, and then by upsetting the other person, they just completely stuff the uncomfortable feelings, and there is no change. As her mother, it is hard not to feel just terrible when she acts badly, and show that in some way. I am wondering if there are ways to work with her so she is more responsible for her moods and you are less affected by her moods. This is just a thought, and I could be way off track, and as her mother, you are the expert on the challenges with your daughter. Please take care, and let us know how we can help.