Learning about myself through jumping on a date site again

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After coming off a traumatic relationship and doing some healing work, i decided to try and see if i could get my mind off my ex by "getting back out there again".   I know i still have alot of work to do but i definitely feel that just because i'm in transition in my life i shouldn't sit around and act like i am not able to at least talk to women.   So perhaps this is an experiment in my healing journey?  At any rate, i got back on a date site and was surprised that i got some attention.  I suppose being emotionally beat up by my last gf and cheated on has made me wonder whether i have any "stock" out there subconsciously.  I say that because as i got some attention I was observing that i was surprised.   So to me that indicates that my psyche is still in low confidence mode. 

Anyway, i started chatted with 3 women and one really dialed in on me and quickly progressed to asking to exchange numbers.  I was observing myself go through this and not judging anything to quickly (eyes wide open kind of thing).   We had a brief conversation yesterday afternoon and i liked her voice and she liked mine (she even told me she did).   Very quickly i could sense she was afraid of being judged.  This was a red flag for me because in my experience my ex's that were afraid of being judged were actually the Judgers eventually.   So i thought the conversation went okay and then she said she had to run because she was in the car with a collegue and didn't feel it was respectful to talk any longer in front of him.  I was thinking, "we have just talked for about an half hour and now she says this?"  hmm.  okay, interesting and in the past i would have not judged this but now i'm looking at everything.

Okay so she says she'll call me later.  Later she texts me and says, "were you nervous when we spoke?"
I immediately thought, "okay, she's asking a defensive question."   In other words, that kind of question to me comes with either the opportunity to be put in a one up/ one down position (she's confident and i'm nervous?)  or she was perhaps judging me for something and not telling me?  So i texted back, "why are you asking? please elaborate "   Then she eventually called me.  We talked for a couple of hours and she eventually admitted that she was probably thinking that because she couldn't talk or didn't want to talk that much because of the guy/ collegue that she was with so maybe it "seemed like you were going on and on like you were lonely and hadn't spoken to anyone in awhile?"  I told her that i was just answering questions and that i talk alot to everyone / that i'm pretty chatty.  I asked her if that bothers her?  She said, "well it was just a long day and drive and i probably was just tired."  I wound up guessing that she was an introvert and she applauded me for guessing because she said that most think she is an extrovert.

Bottom line: i believe that what i was observing and looking for now is how a potential partner can set me up for failure.  Using projections etc (she did say, "maybe that was just my own projection) and defensive questions.   I can admit to you guys that it was good for me to be able to talk to a new potential just so that i can start moving on from my old relationship and relieve myself from thinking that my ex was the only one that i can ever have feelings for again.  I don't know if we'll even meet up because i don't think she is looking for just an activity partner?  I think she might be trying to line up a FWB but is too ashamed or playing to coy to admit that?  She wants to be free to travel and move around and after her lease is up she might move. 

for me i'm not ready to be in a long term relationship and have never explored a casual relationship.  I wonder if allowing myself to explore a casual relationship with someone who just wants that would be helpful for me in getting over my ex? 

But besides that, one thing i did learn about myself is that i find myself wondering what the woman wants in me?  it's sort of like being on the defensive but i feel susceptible to that because i'm not in good place career wise and rebuilding my life.  It could take awhile to rebuild and i'm starting to think that maybe all i can manage to attract is to learn how to be in a casual relationship?   

Is this normal after coming off being beat up by a BPD/npd person or am i just giving up on the notion that i will ever be able to be in a "healthy committed relationship" again? 

again just learning and exploring.

[truthbeknown]

After coming off a traumatic relationship and doing some healing work, i decided to try and see if i could get my mind off my ex by "getting back out there again".   I know i still have alot of work to do but i definitely feel that just because i'm in transition in my life i shouldn't sit around and act like i am not able to at least talk to women.   So perhaps this is an experiment in my healing journey?  At any rate, i got back on a date site and was surprised that i got some attention.  I suppose being emotionally beat up by my last gf and cheated on has made me wonder whether i have any "stock" out there subconsciously.  I say that because as i got some attention I was observing that i was surprised.   So to me that indicates that my psyche is still in low confidence mode. 

Anyway, i started chatted with 3 women and one really dialed in on me and quickly progressed to asking to exchange numbers.  I was observing myself go through this and not judging anything to quickly (eyes wide open kind of thing).   We had a brief conversation yesterday afternoon and i liked her voice and she liked mine (she even told me she did).   Very quickly i could sense she was afraid of being judged.  This was a red flag for me because in my experience my ex's that were afraid of being judged were actually the Judgers eventually.   So i thought the conversation went okay and then she said she had to run because she was in the car with a collegue and didn't feel it was respectful to talk any longer in front of him.  I was thinking, "we have just talked for about an half hour and now she says this?"  hmm.  okay, interesting and in the past i would have not judged this but now i'm looking at everything.

Okay so she says she'll call me later.  Later she texts me and says, "were you nervous when we spoke?"
I immediately thought, "okay, she's asking a defensive question."   In other words, that kind of question to me comes with either the opportunity to be put in a one up/ one down position (she's confident and i'm nervous?)  or she was perhaps judging me for something and not telling me?  So i texted back, "why are you asking? please elaborate "   Then she eventually called me.  We talked for a couple of hours and she eventually admitted that she was probably thinking that because she couldn't talk or didn't want to talk that much because of the guy/ collegue that she was with so maybe it "seemed like you were going on and on like you were lonely and hadn't spoken to anyone in awhile?"  I told her that i was just answering questions and that i talk alot to everyone / that i'm pretty chatty.  I asked her if that bothers her?  She said, "well it was just a long day and drive and i probably was just tired."  I wound up guessing that she was an introvert and she applauded me for guessing because she said that most think she is an extrovert.

Bottom line: i believe that what i was observing and looking for now is how a potential partner can set me up for failure.  Using projections etc (she did say, "maybe that was just my own projection) and defensive questions.   I can admit to you guys that it was good for me to be able to talk to a new potential just so that i can start moving on from my old relationship and relieve myself from thinking that my ex was the only one that i can ever have feelings for again.  I don't know if we'll even meet up because i don't think she is looking for just an activity partner?  I think she might be trying to line up a FWB but is too ashamed or playing to coy to admit that?  She wants to be free to travel and move around and after her lease is up she might move. 

for me i'm not ready to be in a long term relationship and have never explored a casual relationship.  I wonder if allowing myself to explore a casual relationship with someone who just wants that would be helpful for me in getting over my ex? 

But besides that, one thing i did learn about myself is that i find myself wondering what the woman wants in me?  it's sort of like being on the defensive but i feel susceptible to that because i'm not in good place career wise and rebuilding my life.  It could take awhile to rebuild and i'm starting to think that maybe all i can manage to attract is to learn how to be in a casual relationship?   

Is this normal after coming off being beat up by a BPD/npd person or am i just giving up on the notion that i will ever be able to be in a "healthy committed relationship" again? 

again just learning and exploring.

[gotbushels]

Hi truthbeknown 

After coming off a traumatic relationship and doing some healing work

Well done on your progress so far.   

i shouldn't sit around and act like i am not able to at least talk to women.

Yes, it can feel like you're sitting around if you're not in a relationship. I don't think that's the same as being unable to talk to women. If people have too much on their plate and they can't help themselves to more food--then that's okay too.  Anyway, if you're putting yourself out there and experimenting in a way you're happy with, I think that's a good thing for you.

I say that because as i got some attention I was observing that i was surprised.   So to me that indicates that my psyche is still in low confidence mode. 

Yes, it feels good and sometimes surprising when someone of the opposite sex gives a person attention. I think that's true whether you're low in confidence or high in confidence. I think if you're knowingly bringing yourself feeling fragile to a dating area--then you might consider if you put too much weight in what people say or do with you there. So I think it's easy to lose perspective with that kind of approach. There's nothing wrong with the approach though. I hope you keep us posted. 

Good luck and I hope you continue to find peace.

[truthbeknown]

Gotbushels,

Thanks for your support.  I am feeling good about taking the step and being cautious as well. 

I'll definitely keep you posted.

[truthbeknown]

Hi truthbeknown 
Well done on your progress so far.   
Yes, it can feel like you're sitting around if you're not in a relationship. I don't think that's the same as being unable to talk to women. If people have too much on their plate and they can't help themselves to more food--then that's okay too.  Anyway, if you're putting yourself out there and experimenting in a way you're happy with, I think that's a good thing for you.
Yes, it feels good and sometimes surprising when someone of the opposite sex gives a person attention. I think that's true whether you're low in confidence or high in confidence. I think if you're knowingly bringing yourself feeling fragile to a dating area--then you might consider if you put too much weight in what people say or do with you there. So I think it's easy to lose perspective with that kind of approach. There's nothing wrong with the approach though. I hope you keep us posted. 

Good luck and I hope you continue to find peace.

Update: 

okay we talked again tonight and i found out she's an introvert and i know i'm an extrovert so she thinks i talk alot but i reminded her that she asks alot of questions and i'm just a natural responder.   She laughed and said, "yeah i do ask a ton of questions don't i?".    She seems willing to look at herself. 
She's a ND and I was in the health field so we speak the same language.  We seem to have certain parallels and I think that is cool.   So far we haven't met in person and I was nervous about this because she is a little younger then me (6 years) and not sure if that will be an issue for her in the attraction department?  but then i don't know how attracted i'll feel towards her either.  I really want more then physical attraction anyway.   

Now not sure if this is a red flag for me but i told her about my ex wife and didn't mention BPD but just said that some things changed after the trauma of my dad passing and she has bipolar in her family.  She hit a certain age and things started to change.   She told me that her grandfather had bipolar and was bat blank crazy.   She admits to being a sort of gypsy and doesn't have a history of long term relationship.   

So here's the question:  i'm already noticing that i'm minimizing that fact and the fact that she states that she is a gypsy and the fact that her track record with men is very short lived relationships.   I haven't met her in person yet but i'm telling myself (which is how i start all relationships in my mind) that we are just friends right now anyway.  I don't want to rush anything physical if things she work out in the first meeting and i wanted to try and date more socially and not focus on one woman because i get attached real easy and i thought maybe this time i need to practice dating for social aspects first.

The challenge is that i'm an extrovert and a connector and i usually have linked up with "avoidant" types.  in my experience the avoidant types have had BPD traits and could not open up emotionally. 
In the last relationship she was open with me in the beginning and that's what GOT me.  So this one is opening up with me too.  In general though people do that with me so it's a blessing and a curse.  Sometimes people tell me stuff because they feel safe but then later (i think) feel that they have disclosed too much and then feel embarrassed?

Anyway- is it a red flag about my behavior that i bond over someone opening up to me in the dating realm?  that is what i'm trying to observe this time.  Maybe i'm doing something wrong?  I'm a little scared that i don't know how to keep myself from falling for "the mask" .  What i think is emotionally connecting might just feel like jiberish to her. 

There is also another woman who is interested in talking to me some more.  She is from Japan but converted to my religion and is very nice and because of her culture not so talkative like the first gal but i liked her energy.  So this is all new for me talking to multiple potential dates but the counselor that i was talking to last said that in order to break patterns we have to do what we are uncomfortable doing.  I'm uncomfortable juggling dates but then again i've never done it before and maybe that is what i need to experience because of my attachment style?

thoughts?

[Cire155]

So this is all new for me talking to multiple potential dates but the counselor that i was talking to last said that in order to break patterns we have to do what we are uncomfortable doing.  I'm uncomfortable juggling dates but then again i've never done it before and maybe that is what i need to experience because of my attachment style?

thoughts?

Don't put your eggs in one basket. I would step out and date other people. I started back out there two months after my break up with my BPD ex. I went on dates and settled on one and we are still dating now going on 6 months. One thing my T told me was that after that BPD relationship, I had PTSD. She told me my awareness for red flags is on 100 because of what I went through. So I can relate that you will be looking for red flags all over but it also might be overthinking. You wrote that you get attached easily and I think playing the field might do you some good. I'm a very direct person and my ex broke me down and changed that in me. Now in my current relationship I watch for red flags that would make me lose who I am just to please my partner.

[gotbushels]

I haven't met her in person yet but i'm telling myself (which is how i start all relationships in my mind) that we are just friends right now anyway. 

Everyone has an opinion on this approach style--but I like this approach. 

I don't want to rush anything physical if things she work out in the first meeting and i wanted to try and date more socially and not focus on one woman because i get attached real easy and i thought maybe this time i need to practice dating for social aspects first.

It seems like you know these things about yourself and conceptually they seem like a good plan. 

So here's the question:  i'm already noticing that i'm minimizing that fact and the fact that she states that she is a gypsy and the fact that her track record with men is very short lived relationships.   

If you know that you minimise traits that are important to you, then I think that's something you can work on.

maybe that is what i need to experience because of my attachment style?

I don't know about interventions on the attachment styles thing. Probably a senior with that kind of knowledge can chime in.  Your T would probably be able to comment on this.

I'm uncomfortable juggling dates ... .

Something that might support your idea here is that a date doesn't need to be a definitively relationship-setting. There's coffee dates that are simply social, and there's romantic dates where commitment is at some level. If you have several options (good for you  then you can see what kind of arrangement is still a good fit for your own values and beliefs.

[Jeffree]

i'm already noticing that i'm minimizing that fact and the fact that she states that she is a gypsy and the fact that her track record with men is very short lived relationships.   I haven't met her in person yet but i'm telling myself (which is how i start all relationships in my mind) that we are just friends right now anyway.

Hey, we all have to start down the dating path again after the ending of a relationship sometime. However, your quandary about any of this, be it FWB, casual, just hanging out, or what have you is probably best not looked at as a way to get past your ex. Dating/exploring is what it is separate from your ex.

Also, a gypsy type with a history of short-lived relationships does not seem to be a recipe for success, unless you are looking for a very casual distraction or just a practice friend.

At the same time, this is the type of scenario that, depending on how it ends and your role in it, could leave you feeling like a BPD magnet. Remember, you have several early things here to be concerned about with woman #1. If you manage to get yourself hooked on her, that's a YOU decision where you have ventured forth thinking it was safe to do so despite evidence to the contrary.

BTW, I had to read your intro here a couple of times to assure myself that you hadn't happened upon my STBx. A lot of my beginnings with her seemed eerily similar here, but she is not in the healthcare field. I don't even know if she's on any of the dating sites, but when I met her she was on Tagged, which is whatever it is. I don't know myself, but it seemed pretty sketchy to me.

J

[truthbeknown]

i'm already noticing that i'm minimizing that fact and the fact that she states that she is a gypsy and the fact that her track record with men is very short lived relationships.   I haven't met her in person yet but i'm telling myself (which is how i start all relationships in my mind) that we are just friends right now anyway.

Hey, we all have to start down the dating path again after the ending of a relationship sometime. However, your quandary about any of this, be it FWB, casual, just hanging out, or what have you is probably best not looked at as a way to get past your ex. Dating/exploring is what it is separate from your ex.

Also, a gypsy type with a history of short-lived relationships does not seem to be a recipe for success, unless you are looking for a very casual distraction or just a practice friend.

At the same time, this is the type of scenario that, depending on how it ends and your role in it, could leave you feeling like a BPD magnet. Remember, you have several early things here to be concerned about with woman #1. If you manage to get yourself hooked on her, that's a YOU decision where you have ventured forth thinking it was safe to do so despite evidence to the contrary.

I hear you.  I guess i'm just exploring; dont know where i'll go with this scenario yet.  Maybe i just want a social friend?  maybe she's already put me in the "friend zone" anyway and that would be fine with me.

BTW, I had to read your intro here a couple of times to assure myself that you hadn't happened upon my STBx. A lot of my beginnings with her seemed eerily similar here, but she is not in the healthcare field. I don't even know if she's on any of the dating sites, but when I met her she was on Tagged, which is whatever it is. I don't know myself, but it seemed pretty sketchy to me.

Tagged?  how did you meet her?  why is she a soon to be?  has she cheated on you?  what seems similiar about my situation?

J

[Jeffree]

Tagged?  how did you meet her?  why is she a soon to be?  has she cheated on you?  what seems similiar about my situation?

I originally met my STBx when I was 13 and we lived in the same neighborhood growing up, then we ultimately reunited on FB 30 years later, dated, and married shortly thereafter.

She is soon to be because I did not like the way she was treating me and her kids in the context of what started out as and was supposed to be a loving marriage.

I do not know if there was any extramarital shenanigans going on. Two weeks before she wound up moving out I caught her talking up some guy in the middle of the night, but by then things had gotten so bad I was just hoping she'd find someone else to inspire her to leave the house anyway. 

Some of the things that were similar to your conversation with this new gal and my ex was this introvert/extrovert back and forth. Making me seem insightful about her true nature, and saying how nobody else realizes it, was definitely the type of dialogue that went on that fed my ego and hooked me in. I see that now through what you just share here.

J