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Author Topic: Would you do it again?  (Read 501 times)
Seenowayout
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« on: March 19, 2018, 07:15:57 AM »

If you could go back in time, and knowing what you know now, would you start the relationship that changed your life?

I am optimistic Pollyanna by nature, and I tell myself -- yes, look at what you learned about yourself, look at your new free life, look at the good times you had.

But this morning I say no way -- look at the money spent, the heart ache, the hurt children, the lost friends, my lost status, the divorce, I have to change churches, my health is not what it was, THE MONEY -- I gave it all up  -- for a woman who didn't really understand love meant compromise, who cannot forgive, lacks gratitude, who cannot believe she could  ever do anything wrong and who thought i was the evil one and who is now completely gone without a trace.  Erased me completely.  Moved on to a new victim.

I really can't decide.  I am a better person for having taken the journey I think, despite all outward measures.  But dang my life was easier before.

What about you?
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« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2018, 08:23:08 AM »

We can't change our past. Failure isn't fatal, but failure to change might be.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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gotbushels
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« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2018, 08:32:17 AM »

Seenowayout  

I really can't decide.
You're right, choosing can feel impossible sometimes. We don't really get to choose some things that befall us. We can't really fault ourselves for not knowing X Y Z at the time.

But dang my life was easier before.
Yes I think I understand this feeling Seenowayout. It's easy to feel shortchanged when we compare the cash, heartache, status of health. In addition, I like to think of how much pain I "lost" too. Sometimes when I explore a good time, I contrast it to the pain of the relationship--yes, 3 years (?) later--and then gratitude comes out of it. So in this way, when you have a fresh set of eyes after the relationship, then experience good things with those eyes, it truly feels like it's getting easier and surpassing your life before the pwBPD relationship.
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MeandThee29
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« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2018, 08:51:45 AM »

We were together for twenty-seven years. I've learned through therapy that even though I thought that was over being raised by an NPD mother, I was still wired for that and married a high-functioning borderline. I was operating on an incomplete view of love and fulfillment that really wasn't fully understood until the last year or so.

Instead of regret, I prefer to remember the happy chapters. We did have mostly good times for the first decade and produced two wonderful young adults in the process.

I've had to let go of a lot dreams that I had for this period of life, but I'm optimistic about my future. Some of my friends are enjoying their empty nest time with their husbands, some retired early, and a few are like me, struggling along alone with kids in college. I see now that we have to work with what we've been given and let go of the rest.
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Duped 1
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« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2018, 09:27:03 AM »

NO WAY! NEVER. What a horrible experience. No one has ever treated me so poorly and I have never struggled to recover from anything like I have from this.
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The Cat in d Hat
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« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2018, 10:08:10 AM »

Once again repeating her words that I haven’t let go... .“We must forget. We are two people who only existed in each other’s lives for a short time”.

If i could go back? I’d ensure we never existed for each other at all.

She found me in my most vulnerable state of my life, and I now get to sit with the repercussions of investing emotion in someone who couldn’t handle it, or handle herself for that matter.

So no, most definitely not again.
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The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

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JNChell
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« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2018, 11:00:59 AM »

If I went back as a healed and healthy individual, there wouldn’t have been a second date. Come to think of it, there probably wouldn’t have been a first, which would mean I wouldn’t have my Son. I’ll take the chips as they lay.
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AustenJ
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« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2018, 11:30:25 AM »

"If thou dost marry, I'll give thee this plague
for thy dowry: be though chaste as ice, as pure as snow,
thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to a nunnery, farewell.
Or if thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool,
for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.
To a nunnery, go, and quickly too. Farewell."

                                                                --Hamlet to Ophelia when she betrays him

I would be more like this instead of the fool I was.
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Tired_Dad
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« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2018, 11:33:38 AM »

I don't look at changing my past. But I will say that I will always be more cautious when accepting someone into my life.

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Insom
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« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2018, 03:43:32 PM »

Hi, Seenowayout!

This is an interesting question.  For me, today, the answer is an unreserved yes.  (Though I reserve the right to change my mind.) 

I would do it again because I met my BPD-guy when we were both pretty young, teenagers, and he helped me gain emotional independence from my family of origin which is something that was developmentally appropriate for me to do, but that I struggled very much with.  So even though the relationship was SERIOUSLY problematic, I do see now how it benefitted me and would not change it.  If my situation was different and I could have learned what I needed to learn in a safer way - I like to think I'd have taken the safer route and benefited in a different way, but there was nothing uninteresting about the experience.  And ultimately, I didn't lose myself in the relationship.  I still felt my spirit intact at the end of it.  I can see how others in different situations with different things at stake may feel differently. 

It sounds like you may still be processing what this relationship meant to you and what you learned from it.  Is there anything you know about yourself now that you didn't know before?  I hear the relationship had destructive elements.  Were there aspects of it that felt helpful or constructive to you?



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stixx44
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« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2018, 04:37:23 PM »

I have asked and answered this myself. No, I am sorry I met her. This was a wasted year for me.

The risks outweighed the rewards by far. 

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Cromwell
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« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2018, 05:18:23 PM »

just to have the first date sex all over again then id leap back into the time machine. (serious answer btw, even with how much i have learned and experienced, i could go back in time and try to do better but the truth is she would still bring chaos and drama into my life just of a different variety.

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« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2018, 05:37:09 PM »

i think that when we heal, we get to keep this for the rest of our lives:

look at what you learned about yourself, look at your new free life, look at the good times you had.

and the less this (although no small cost) impacts us:

But this morning I say no way -- look at the money spent, the heart ache, the hurt children, the lost friends, my lost status, the divorce, I have to change churches, my health is not what it was, THE MONEY

But dang my life was easier before.

its hard. its a tremendous loss, and its here and now. but that part will dissipate.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #13 on: March 20, 2018, 07:17:14 AM »

Nope. Never. Too much abuse and destruction for no reward. I'd rather be alone, which I am now anyway.

J
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BorisAcusio
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« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2018, 07:18:43 AM »

Interesting question. It's been almost 3.5 years ago since we split, and while I have learned an invaluable lesson that changed my life forever, I still feel like a shell of my former self, an I guess it is what it is, or what you make out of the experience.
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Chynna
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« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2018, 12:39:03 PM »

Absolutely not. A relationship of deception, a GREAT deal of sadness, lack of sleep, weight loss, self-defense, irrationality, emptiness, etc. with bits & pieces of questionable episodes of genuine affection and caring interspersed? That's a worthy goal in life... .I hope everyone is doing well today. 
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #16 on: April 07, 2018, 09:38:16 PM »

Hi Seenowayout-

I have to answer this question with a sad no.  Some of the things he stole from my life, my soul, Cannot  be restored.  I'll get back to being the "happy me", but my trust has been seriously eroded.  The nice things he did FOR me are nothing compared to the horrid things he did TO me. 

I do hope to kiss someone else someday... .but that ship may have sailed.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Shawnlam
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« Reply #17 on: April 09, 2018, 12:34:06 PM »

If I got to keep the knowledge of BPD that I have today and go back to day one... .even though it would still have ended... .I’d have to say yes for the fun times we had.I don’t believe I would have fallen in love with her knowing what I know now.This alone would be enough of a safety net to still have the good times we had and it get enormously hurt at the end by her cheating and disrespecting of me.Odds are would she have cheated so soon on me ,probably as old habits are hard to break.I probably would have left her then and not 2 months after ,save myself some dignity .But the fun times were the best I’ve ever had ,can’t take that away even if it was mirroring and BS... .her incredible way of being charming was intoxicating,I miss it in a way.
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Seenowayout
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« Reply #18 on: April 09, 2018, 07:23:45 PM »

Gems,

Try not to let your bad experiences cause you to pull up your drawbridge.  That would be the ultimate sadness and a continuation of the "soul pain" that a wayward relationship caused you -- a relationship you wisely ended.  In a sense, keeping the drawbridge up would allow that darkness to live on.  Please go out and trust -- but VERIFY.  Be you.  You're a different you now.  Wiser  The world is not BPD. Don't paint the world with that brush.

But I know -- It takes time.  Give yourself time.  I'm a year April 1 since I've last seen her.  I'm sorry to admit, I was nearly suicidal at the time.  And this year has been a weird year of mind games from her and miracles and blessings from friends -- old and new.  I am blessed. 

I hadn't heard from her in a month or two.  And like a bad dream, or an old wart, out of the blue, for no reason (except maybe she's lonely or angry or needy or some other selfish state), she sends me a You Tube clip yesterday.  A Beatles song I used to sing her.  Golden Slumbers.

And all I could think was -- yeah, "Once there was a way ... ."  But not anymore.  She has no power over me.  In my mind I sing to her now "Once there was a way.  But you  didn't want it.  I tried.  Go find another victim.  I'm sorry you're damaged.  I tried to help you.  And while I tried you almost drowned both of us!  Who am I to fix you?  Please fix yourself.  Or don't.  But stop telling me you don't even think you are the problem.  Stop telling me I'm the problem.  Stop telling me how bad I am.  There is not another person on the planet that thinks I'm bad.  Only you.  And I was trying to help you.   So ... .yeah, ... ."once there was a way, to get back homeward."  But you didn't want to go there with me.  You didn't want to go anywhere but down, down, down ---  with me"

I'm sorry, I digress.  But it's my thread.  LOL!

No -- if I could go back in time I would never have met her.  And I would have gotten therapy to resolve my BPD mom issues I didn't even think I had.

I think I'll be signing off for a while.  If anyone wants to talk, PM me.  But all these stories on this board are making me sad.  I've lowered my drawbridge and I am living every moment in solidarity with every genuine soulful person I meet. 

But I'm verifying.
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steppedinone

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« Reply #19 on: April 09, 2018, 08:16:39 PM »

We can't change our past. Failure isn't fatal, but failure to change might be.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Bingo... .

I have hated parts of the last 2 years of my life. But the lessons I have learned, and am learning will soon overwhelm this short term pain.
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