Will I ever really detach when all I seem to want is him back...

[JustNeedToTalk]

I really hope I’m not boring anyone here, I know we are all in pain.

I wanted to start a new post on how and if I will ever gain true detachment from this man.  This man that I adored, this charismatic, charming, intelligent man.  Who had nothing to offer me.  Will I ever accept his love was fake, was it fake?  Was it real? Did he love me?  Or was I being used?  I have no idea.

All my friends have told me I need to accept that I will never get the apology or the closure I am looking for.  Blocked on somethings, not on others, abusive messages then half-hearted nice ones.  Honestly apart from outing his affair I did nothing wrong.  Supported him financially, tolerated his moods, him always being late, being lazy, fake suicide threats, sexual cheating, emotional cheating, stealing, even hitting me on one occasion.  Is he really BPD or is he just plain evil.

I think I have been so down these past few days (week) due to the contact.  One minute he’s abusive, the next he’s ‘nice’ to a degree.  It’s killing me not knowing what he’s feeling.  But I can’t ask him.  He tells me he’s doing better, is he?  Or he trying to rub in my face that his life is better without me?  My last email to him was firm but nice.  Telling him I can’t be friends with him.  I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again now.  I don’t think he cares, I’m nothing to him.  Indifferent, and that kills me inside.

I want with all my power not to want him.  I said to my friend today that I think what’s hurting me the most is I’ve realised it’s time to fall out of love with him, and I don’t want to, I think a small part of me has held onto hope that this was a phase, a manic episode and he’d be back, but it’s nearly 4 months now.
I’m starting to wonder if I’m the crazy one.

[Lucky Jim]

Honestly apart from outing his affair I did nothing wrong.  Supported him financially, tolerated his moods, him always being late, being lazy, fake suicide threats, sexual cheating, emotional cheating, stealing, even hitting me on one occasion.

Hey JNTT, No, you did nothing wrong, so I suggest that you stop beating yourself up.  It's doubtful that anything you could have done would have changed the outcome.  That's quite a list of red flags  :

fake suicide threats, sexual cheating, emotional cheating, stealing, even hitting me on one occasion

You don't need that in your life.  Your happiness is what it's all about, right?  I suggest you focus on loving and accepting yourself, just the way you are.  It might take some work to get the hang of it, but it's worth it.  Are you willing to give it a try?

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi JustNeedToTalk,

You’re not boring anyway I log in here to talk about whatever someone wants to talk about. You’re  not the crazy one many, of us here can relate with you.

I’ve realised it’s time to fall out of love with him, and I don’t want to, I think a small part of me has held onto hope that this was a phase, a manic episode and he’d be back, but it’s nearly 4 months now.

Skip has said that we need to have a post mortem and we need to give up hope it’s a part of detaching and a part of healing is talking no about it and we help you sort it out.

[Hopefulgirl]

Im in the process of detaching from someone who I was deeply in love with and that in of itself is always hard.  Even for a relationship not involving someone who has BPD.  They give you crumbs of hope, I remember thinking I must have been wrong about him when he was being halfway friendly with me.  That push/pull of testing you, when you're waiting for the "good side" to emerge, that is the thing that drives emotional stable people to think they have lost their minds.  My ex BPD friend is charming, intelligent, charismatic as well.  Also very attractive.  And the draw is that they can make you feel that way about yourself as well when they are having a period of emotional stability.
My ex just got engaged, but like you I feel the need to have closure. But its tricky.  If your guy is anything like mine trying to get closure will probably end up with you being made to feel bad about yourself.  Calling him out on things will make him feel shame but instead of seeming shamed or apologetic he will most likely be cruelly defensive and the cycle will go all over again. 

You will hear many times from people who went through cycles with people who have BPD, they think it will be different this time.  They have bonded themselves to you emotionally, physically, financially, but at the drop of the hat they become indifferent and detached. If you keep debating with yourself if you were ever loved by this guy you will continue to think about him and make yourself falsely believe you were responsible for his actions. It will also shred your self esteem to bits.

A friend sent me this quote once - "when you look at someone with rose colored glasses, the Red Flags end up looking like... .flags".   Yep.

[randomuser94]

Hi there JNTT!

God damn, i feel your words. I'm in the same position as you. I'm doing my best to just move on, convince myself that she had no true feelings and that I was just used and manipulated then discarded. I know I was abused but during this time it looks to me that I just got some sort of "Stockholm syndrome" or something. Why would i want back after a huge list of bad thing she did to me both during relation and after? I can't seem to find a real answer to this question.
  Maybe we both have feelings for this SO, but those feelings just keep me in place. I can't seem to want to find someone else.  It's been so long since I've went NC that I can barely remember her face, but I can't seem to be able to forget those "feelings" that are hidden somewhere inside me.
  Furthermore the thought of returning for another cycle that will end the same or worse scare the s@$it out of me. I don't want that, but sometimes I feel weak. I've rejected her attempts to visit her 2 times but I'm afraid I won't have the power to do it again.

  I spend hours thinking and overthinking about her: How is possible to fake those feelings? How can someone discard their partner like a pair of socks 1day later after talking about wanting kids together? How can someone declare love and the next day be "in love" with someone she/he just met? How can someone show so much hate for their partner who only showed love? And the list goes on... .

   Maybe it is just a phase... for both of our partners. Maybe after another 2-3 months they will come back, or maybe after a year. Are we willing to just wait for them and suffer during this time? just for the chance of a recycle? And the most important question- Are we both willing to start another recycle that will further destroy us emotionally? I am willing to fight my feelings until they will stop coming back.

[Shawnlam]

Everything you are feeling is the result of you being normal and empathetic,VS everything he is thinking isn’t .So don’t feel bad he doesn’t care and has moved on, he doesn’t feel anything!

[Cromwell]

Hi there JNTT!

God damn, i feel your words. I'm in the same position as you. I'm doing my best to just move on, convince myself that she had no true feelings and that I was just used and manipulated then discarded. I know I was abused but during this time it looks to me that I just got some sort of "Stockholm syndrome" or something. Why would i want back after a huge list of bad thing she did to me both during relation and after? I can't seem to find a real answer to this question.
  Maybe we both have feelings for this SO, but those feelings just keep me in place. I can't seem to want to find someone else.  It's been so long since I've went NC that I can barely remember her face, but I can't seem to be able to forget those "feelings" that are hidden somewhere inside me.
  Furthermore the thought of returning for another cycle that will end the same or worse scare the s@$it out of me. I don't want that, but sometimes I feel weak. I've rejected her attempts to visit her 2 times but I'm afraid I won't have the power to do it again.

  I spend hours thinking and overthinking about her: How is possible to fake those feelings? How can someone discard their partner like a pair of socks 1day later after talking about wanting kids together? How can someone declare love and the next day be "in love" with someone she/he just met? How can someone show so much hate for their partner who only showed love? And the list goes on... .

   Maybe it is just a phase... for both of our partners. Maybe after another 2-3 months they will come back, or maybe after a year. Are we willing to just wait for them and suffer during this time? just for the chance of a recycle? And the most important question- Are we both willing to start another recycle that will further destroy us emotionally? I am willing to fight my feelings until they will stop coming back.

Im not surprised you find it all confusing and have so many questions. They dont know themselves so there is little chance anyone else can figure it out. a borderline lives in a state of psychosis. its easy to end up joining them there when you start to join in the convoluted thought process of trying to rationalise what is already irrational.