Either I have to change, or I have to leave

[Crueltobekind]

Hi. This is my first post.

I'm not really sure what to say. My boyfriend of 7 years is (undiagnosed) BPD.  I have come to the conclusion that either I have to change, or I have to leave. I'm torn and I don't know if right now I'm in the head space to make that decision.  :)uring this crisis, I found this website.

I'm going through the Lessons forums now and I just read the ":)o's and Don'ts for a BPD relationship" and oh my gosh, it's like someone has been watching our lives and posted everything going on in my head, in that post.  I'm blown away. I'm hopeful to learn more, and to get an idea of how I can decide if I am really committed to my PwBPD (that's Partner with... .right?) and can be the stable support he needs.

Anyway... .that's it for now Also maybe this isn't the right sub-forum or whatever... .so if so, I apologize in advance to any moderators for the hassle!

Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NGU]

I have come to the conclusion that either I have to change, or I have to leave.

Hi ctbk.

Seems like you already figured out that you have to change, versus demanding that your partner changes. You can also think of this as "you have to improve yourself before you improve your relationship," if that sounds better. You know, get a good handle on yourself so you can expand to working on both of you together.

Or... .maybe you meant "change" as in "I'm going to have to turn into a completely different person and that's not cool." I had a real problem with that for a while. For example, I have to be really level, with the average demeanor becoming a little softer. It felt like it wasn't me. It took a lot to understand the difference between grand-scale alterations and a few personality tweaks.

You might mentally freak out for a while, if you haven't already. Information overload. And reality setting in that this... .

it's like someone has been watching our lives and posted everything going on in my head

... .is real.

(I say that because it's still difficult for me to accept that there are so many other people here with the exact same issues. Surreal.)

If you'd like to post some more, start adding observations about your relationship. It will help you, and anyone else who posts here. Your info doesn't have to be complete or perfectly linear.

-ngu

[pearlsw]

Hi crueltobekind,

I'm at the 7 year mark too and right with ya! It has to get better or I've got to get out, I'm in a similar place.

You sound very wise. What kinds of internal changes are you thinking of making?

warmly, pearl.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi CrueltobeKind,

Welcome   Sounds like you are at a decision point. One of the best things I've learned from this site is that I did have to change too. And those changes have really helped me in my relationship.

You've found a great place for support. Can you tell us a little more about what has been going on in your relationship?

[Crueltobekind]

Thank you for the welcome

I'm by nature a reserved person, so being open about issues is a little difficult, but I will try my best.

I got into this relationship knowing that he had a mental illness.  But my own issues (which are I put everyone in front of me, and I think I need to take care of people) meant that I really came into the relationship without thinking about what I needed from it.  It was all about him; me being his support, helping him feel better, get help, etc.

So over the years, all the little things that happen that I tend to push aside because "I'm supposed to be strong" like putting up with his aggression (threatening to kill our pets, or himself... .never me though), always being right about everything, not listening to me and just telling me what I should do... .all of it's just kind of come to a head.

Google led me here when I started reading about personality disorders.  Once I read more I was pretty sure my bf is BPD.  He says he's not; that his therapist says he doesn't create enough drama to be considered BPD.

OK so for change (me) it's that I have to create boundaries, enforce boundaries, also put myself first.  I tend to do what he asks because I'm afraid to say no... .that if I say no, that he will be mad at me and I'll have to deal with the post-"no" effects. I have a problem with being assertive to people.  I don't know how to process negative feelings from others, so I do everything to avoid that uncomfortable space between doing something that will be perceived as negative and the after effect. 

For example, he loves to play video games.  He wants to play them with me, he says he enjoys them.  But time after time what happens is that I do not play "well enough" for him.  I fail to react quickly enough, or I do something in the game that he didn't tell me to do, and he gets pissed off and starts yelling at me.  Now, if I say "No thanks" to playing games, he gets sulky and starts crying and says "Nobody loves me, I have no friends" etc etc.  That triggers me to feel bad, like I am the reason he's crying (because I wouldn't play a game with him) rather than his attitude is the reason.

I made this list a few months ago:

Things he says:
I’m broken inside
Nobody wants to be my friend
I’m fat, I’m ugly
I’m a bad person
I’ve done bad things
I think about cutting all the time
I think about ending it
I hurt everyday (back, legs, etc)

Things he does:
Gets annoyed easily
Always has to be right
Dominates conversations
Has very little patience
Flys off the handle  – I worry he will hurt our pets
Doesn’t remember things he said and insists he didn’t say them
Gets moody and withdrawn
Doesn’t do chores regularly
Is messy
Prioritizes playing computer/card games
Forgets to take his medicines
Won’t go to the gym unless I do
Wants me to play his games/put together models etc., chides me for having no hobbies. 
Rarely asks me about my thoughts, feelings or concerns and is usually dismissive of them when I voice them
Blames everyone/thing else for problems (if he’s playing a game and loses, it’s because someone else is a “baddie”.)


Thanks for listening

[NGU]

Most importantly: Keep posting.

He's undiagnosed, but you said he takes medication. Is he going to a psychiatrist?

[I had more to type, but just ran into a moderate domestic emergency. Sorry.]

-ngu

[Radcliff]

Crueltobekind,

I'm impressed by the research you've done already.  This is a good place to learn and get support!

threatening to kill our pets, or himself... .

Can you tell me a little more about the threats to the pets?  What was the context?  How many threats?  When was the first?  When was the most recent?

Tell us a little bit about his threats to kill himself.  I am sure that it must be hard for you to hear that.

I'll leave it to those narrow questions.  You're getting great advice here from NGU, pearlsw, and Tattered Heart!

WW

[Tattered Heart]

OK so for change (me) it's that I have to create boundaries, enforce boundaries, also put myself first.  I tend to do what he asks because I'm afraid to say no... .that if I say no, that he will be mad at me and I'll have to deal with the post-"no" effects. I have a problem with being assertive to people.  I don't know how to process negative feelings from others, so I do everything to avoid that uncomfortable space between doing something that will be perceived as negative and the after effect. 

Just for some perspective, if you said yes all the time, would he still find something to yell about? If so, what's the difference between saying yes or saying no? Either way he still yells so why not say no when you mean no?

I know. It's easier said than done. I used to get so scared about having to tell my H no. But then I realized I've been listening to him yell for years. What's the difference? The difference is that I get to say what I need to say. So I started out with small things. When he would be mean I would say things like:

"That hurt my feelings.", "I'm scared of you right now," "I don't like to be called names," or "I feel like I'm being bullied." It was scary. I expected him to completely rage out on me. And sometimes he did, but I would just walk out the door when he did that. Most of the time though, he would realize how irrational he was being. This board has taught me much more efficient ways of saying these things that work very well wtih my H, but the important part is that you start identifying your own truth, which will lead you to determining your own values and start finding your boundaries again.  You'll start to get a little breathing space when you can express your own needs to your pwBPD.

[Crueltobekind]

Just for some perspective, if you said yes all the time, would he still find something to yell about? If so, what's the difference between saying yes or saying no? Either way he still yells so why not say no when you mean no?

It's my own hangup about saying No to people, for which I am going to therapy for.   I will say No to things that violate my personal values, of course.  But smaller things, those I tend to just acquiesce. 

[Crueltobekind]

Can you tell me a little more about the threats to the pets?  What was the context?  How many threats?  When was the first?  When was the most recent?

Tell us a little bit about his threats to kill himself.  I am sure that it must be hard for you to hear that.

The first time was about 3 years into our relationship, when he got mad at a fish I liked, that he thought was being aggressive to a fish he liked.  They were in the same fish tank.  We were just watching TV, and he saw "my" fish go after "his" fish and he got up and started yelling about how he was going to throw my fish in the trash, he grabbed the fish net and picked up the top of the tank and was livid. I mean, like scary out of control livid.  I was pulling on his arm and begging him to stop.  He did but I never trusted him again.

Ongoing as in, this week: I have a cat, an old guy (he's like 17 now) and he's blind.  So he will walk places in our home and not really know where he is.  When he does that he cries.  My BF almost every time the cat cries will say things like "Shut the *f* up or I'm going to end you" or say things like "One day when you come home, he'll just not be here" (meaning the cat).  And he yells at our dog when he barks at the door, he'll threaten to "smash your skull" in (to the dog), or "beat the living daylights" out of him etc etc.  All.The.Time.  And then my BF wonders why the animals don't like him. SMH.

For himself, he will tell me that he things about ending it every day.  Last time he told me (crying) was Friday or Saturday.

His propensity to violence really, really scares me.  I have told him it scares me.  He replies that I am too sensitive.

[I Am Redeemed]

 
Hi CTBK,

I am so glad you found us. This website has been a great help to me. I have been with my uBPDh for seven years now as well, though we are currently separated. I am not sure about the future of our r/s, as he was violent towards me and I no longer was willing to tolerate it.

I have a hard time saying "No" to people as well. I don't like the anxiety involved with conflict, so I end up giving in to others when I would prefer to do something different. It's a life long habit I am working to break and I am trying to be patient with myself. Small steps.

It sounds like your pwBPD is being emotionally manipulative towards you. I used to exhaust myself trying to keep up with what I was "supposed to do" for my ubphd- which could change at any moment given his current mood and state of mind. None of it made sense and I was worn out trying to pacify and satisfy someone who could never be pacified or satisfied. It was like running a treadmill or riding an exercise bike. I never got anywhere. Nothing was ever right. His feelings were always hurt. It was always A Big Deal and it was always My Fault.

As for drama... .I think that is relative. How much personal drama does your uBPDbf create for you? It sounds like it's at a level that is pretty distressing, especially with the threats to your pets.

There are some great lessons and workshops on this board. I have searched all about personality disorders on Google, and this is by far the best site I have found. Keep posting, and we are glad you are here!

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed