Did you let go of interests? Are you taking them back?

[Cromwell]

apparently my main hobbies of rugby, tennis, snooker and chess which ive dpne since childhood were looked upon as "middle class" in a derogatory way.

i did try to involve her in some of these and i dont know if it is the borderline chameleon in her but she really enjoyed it - initially - but showed little interest to adopt any type of sport or hobby.

I enjoyed teaching her for the first time to play snooker, and i knew how anxious she was about it. she had this perfectionist fault of not enjoying something unless she was perfect at it, and what I was looking forward to was spending time with her, she tried hard to please me but I could see how visibly angry she would be containing herself at how "stupid" she was for doing so badly. actually I felt she was doing well for an absolute beginner. so her withdrawl from hobbies, sports and work was i realised a way of avoiding criticism or embarrassment. a real shame because she was very bright and i enjoyed teaching her a lot of things that i saw started to make her feel a sense of pride (always the initial novelty) but it always subsided. as i had to give up the things id enjoyed because it made her jealous id "rather spend time on these show-off middle class activities", my new hobbies were just lying around the house with her watching stupid soap operas that ive always hated. hours and hours of watching 'friends' but not really watching and trying to feign an interest to please her.

its strange how at the time I just went along with all this and submerged my own feelings, now that i think back it makes me realise how boring and inert she really was and it was always left to me to come up with ideas to try new things.

i plan to get back in to the things i once enjoyed, i hate this sedentary lifestyle that i inherited from her it not only made me depressed but i realise it is keeping me depressed. if only i can find that spark of energy back, thats my biggest issue, I still feel physically and mentally drained of spirit and without that, everything i once was able to do with little effort =  at the moment it feels like asked to move mountains.

[Harley Quinn]

I’m also hoping that I can become well rounded at meeting new people again. To be able to strike up random conversations with total strangers. I was good at that. Now I’m like a turtle in a shell.

Hi JNChell, I lost a lot of confidence in this area too.  Someone (probably here) advised me to practise a little in low key situations, so I began to chat to the lady at the checkout and although I'm still wary of people having red flags, it gets easier.  Nobody respects the fire like he who was burned.  It will come back to you.  Otherwise you sound pretty busy, which is great!  Have you thought about what you'd like to expand your list to include?  Making plans for myself - even vague ones - was a real positive step, as it helped me to truly turn my attention onto myself after being so utterly absorbed in another.

Love and light x

[Shawnlam]

Well as of last week I decided to get back into racing my motorcycle so I subscribed back to the local track for 4 lessons in may/June. I also sold my old car and am looking for a new project to fill the garage this spring time to go back to the old habits of what made me ... .me all these years ! The harder one is getting back to the gym but that’s more the pain I don’t want to live through !

[empath]

I went line dancing this evening. I have always loved dancing, but h was uncomfortable with it and didn't want me going by myself. I had a lot of fun doing it.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Cromwell! I relate to a lot of what you stated in your post. It never fails to amaze me at how similar all of these testimonials are.

i did try to involve her in some of these and i dont know if it is the borderline chameleon in her but she really enjoyed it - initially - but showed little interest to adopt any type of sport or hobby.

I did the same. She enjoyed some of these things for a while, or seemed to, at least. She was very good at them. Actually, better than me at a few. I was proud of her. I thought I had helped to open her up to alternative interests to the one or two that she had. I wasn’t trying to change her, I was just trying to show her that she could do well in stepping outside of her box in trying new things. She admits that she has low self esteem and is entirely indecisive. I feel like she eventually became jealous of my interests over time, even though I had us set up to where I could enjoy most of my interests without ever leaving the house.

its strange how at the time I just went along with all this and submerged my own feelings, now that i think back it makes me realise how boring and inert she really was and it was always left to me to come up with ideas to try new things.

Yes, yes & yes. My ex’s biggest interest is video games. She pretty much abandoned this after we got together. She knew that gaming wasn’t my thing, but I was fine with her having that as her own thing. I guess that I should’ve questioned why she gave it up at the time. It’s not a secret as to why, now. Mirroring. I once showed interest in having her teach me how to play one of her games so we could play together. I mean, she was learning and participating in my interests. I wanted to reciprocate. She seemed happy about the idea when I mentioned it, but nothing ever came of it.

i plan to get back in to the things i once enjoyed, i hate this sedentary lifestyle that i inherited from her it not only made me depressed but i realise it is keeping me depressed. if only i can find that spark of energy back, thats my biggest issue, I still feel physically and mentally drained of spirit and without that, everything i once was able to do with little effort =  at the moment it feels like asked to move mountains.

I’m with you here. We will get there, and we will end up as better versions of ourselves for what we’ve endured. We’re part of this support group because we’re aware of much within our own realities. I’m not afraid to say that this site is genius, and it takes everyone here to create that synergy.

[JNChell]

Hi, Harley Quinn!
Thanks for reaching out with this. It’s quite interesting on how we can allow these relationships and situations to change us in such profound ways.

Hi JNChell, I lost a lot of confidence in this area too.  Someone (probably here) advised me to practise a little in low key situations

I’ve been doing this recently. It feels good. For me, it’s been mostly at work and diners when I take my Son out to eat. I’ve been making a conscious effort to hold my head up and look ahead. To say “Hi” to folks in passing that make eye contact and to try to present myself as being open. The latter isn’t progressing well, yet. I don’t push it. It is what it is.

Have you thought about what you'd like to expand your list to include?  Making plans for myself - even vague ones - was a real positive step, as it helped me to truly turn my attention onto myself after being so utterly absorbed in another.

Yes. Taking trips, going out to eat, going to the movies, etc. by myself. Of course my Son would be involved on our time. I’m trying to describe when I’m alone. I’ve never been good at being alone. It feels like it would be healthy in my recovery to step outside of the box of not doing anything because I don’t have anyone to do it with.

[JNChell]

ShawnIam, this great to hear! Thank you for posting it. I imagine that you miss the excitement of racing. It’s great to know that you’re already taking initiatives and making plans in moving forward. Bravo to you for that!

Getting back to you is a good thing. Also, be sure to be mindful in this process. Regain your interests, but let’s do the work that we need to do to never end up in these situations again. We found ourselves in them for a reason.ShawnIam, you’ve been a great contributor here. Many thanks for that.

Getting back in the gym has been a hard one for me too. My employer has an excellent gym onsite. I lasted a week thus far. I’ll get back into it. Re-establishing healthy routines seems to be pretty difficult after coming out of these relationships. We’ll get there, Brother. Thanks for contributing to the thread.

[JNChell]

 , empath! I’m happy to hear that you went out and did some dancing! I bet it felt great. I love to dance as well. It feels great to move to music that moves you.

There was always music playing when my ex and I were preparing a big meal and having a couple beers on the weekends. I would grab her up and start dancing with her around the kitchen. She was very insecure and shy (waif) to things like this, but I would lead her through it until she let go and started having fun. Slow dancing? I held her close and had her stand on my feet. Wow, I really miss her in this moment.

[Cromwell]

JNChell, just to contribute one other thought I have about the hobbies or things we introduced our exs to. I firmly believe that if they seem to have some sort of cross-over value to the new relationships they have in the future, they will replay their experiences and feign an interest that they observed from being with us in order to impress the new relationship. I havent seen this happen as I have nothing to do with her at all but I just get a vibe that at her core was a great disinterest in doing much of anything but a great ability of mimicing past experiences she had in relationships. I actually struggle to find anything unique about my ex in a way I could describe the things she liked doing, its as if she lived vicariously through me the entire relationship or through other significant people in her life, even choosing jobs based on what her friends chose to work in.

sorry to ramble, just that it crossed my mind as significant. I can really imagine her plagiarising the things we did together and pass them off to a new partner as stuff that she was always interested in. bit sad really I start to feel more sorry for her nowadays than anything else.

[JNChell]

Cromwell, I agree with this.

they will replay their experiences and feign an interest that they observed from being with us in order to impress the new relationship

When I was in an obsessive information seeking stage, I found a dating profile that she had started and abandoned. In the “favorite music” section, she listed most of my favorites. In the “ideal first date” section, she described our first date. That hurt a lot to see. I felt very used.

I’m not proud of the obsessive information seeking. It says a lot about who am I am and where I’m at with myself. I had no answers to anything, and was unable to walk away.

[Harley Quinn]

I’ve never been good at being alone. It feels like it would be healthy in my recovery to step outside of the box of not doing anything because I don’t have anyone to do it with.

JNChell that's really great!  I used to treat myself once a week to a film at the cinema by myself.  It was my time of peace and unwinding.  Not working around someone else is really nice sometimes.  A couple of my friends are horrified at the thought of going somewhere on their own and I think that's a shame.  It's very empowering.  We are enough.  Good on you  

I’m not proud of the obsessive information seeking. It says a lot about who am I am and where I’m at with myself. I had no answers to anything, and was unable to walk away.

You're not on your own there.  A lot of us have fallen foul of the same types of things and many of us have had reality checks about ourselves as a result of our experience.  It's a positive thing as it makes us think about what we would want to do differently in the future.  Turn it in your favour.

Love and light x

[JNChell]

Thank you, HQ. As you know, this is so hard.