Stay NC... be strong everyone...

[JustNeedToTalk]

I’m posting this for others.  I was NC for 2 months.  Then he initiated contact.  First brutally attacking, and reaching out to friends, blocking / unblocking and then in a very indifferent manner, uncaring, emotionless.  Almost wanting me to know his life was fine and better without me.  A passive “I do not wish you ill” (really mate I done nothing wrong for you to wish me ill), treating me like I was the demise of our relationship.

I stupidly replied thinking I would get closer.  Being kinder than I should of, and still no remorse, still all about him.

To all on here I have learned the hard way.  If you have been NC, as hard as it is, please please remain NC.  I have been set back what feels like weeks.

Stay strong everyone.  We need to detach ourselves from these parasites.  I’m not starting all over again but I have been set back weeks / months and today is Day 1 of the rest of my life again.

This is so hard everyone.

JNTT x

[lighthouse9]

Hey JNTT,

I'm really sorry to hear about this and truly hope you aren't beating yourself up for replying.

I wonder if the progress might be a bit quicker this time, given that you've been through it before, or at least be different. It's possible that you'll be set back, like opening up an old wound, but I wonder what might heal this time that didn't last time. Are you open to the potential of a different kind of healing?

I know in my relationship with an ex years ago (assumed either BPD or ASPD), I let myself get sucked back in over and over again, even putting myself in harms way once. I'm not sure what it was that drove me to give her up completely, but I do know there was a day when it would have been impossible for her to get to me again. Sure, I had all kinds of things to process from that relationship, but I hit a point where she held no seduction for me anymore - even the seduction to fight or correct stories she was telling about me or facts she had messed up.

Your day like that will come, all of ours will. It's not today, and that's ok. Don't beat yourself up emotionally - he's done enough of that for you and doesn't need any help.

[xyz-Girl]

JNTT,

I am actually going thru the exact opposite. I started NC and now i feel bad! I blocked him out of everything bc i know myself and that the only way to do it for me. I was thinking today to send him a text telling him the reason why i blocked him out. He really didn't do anything wrong to me more than being confused about what he wanted and maybe prolonging the pain, i wasn't going to be his second choice you know. Anyway, now i feel bad bc i feel i ended the r/s like in bad terms and i don't want that. My text would be brief and concise but idk if i should. I wouldn't expect any reply just maybe an ease of mind for myself.

As of you, maybe yes, i think we know ourselves enough to know when we are still attached to a person, if you felt played, then means that you are still emotionally involved. I think that once he reached back to you and you act like a normal educated and nice person by replying and he acts like as a** and you don't care anymore, then that day will be the day where you will feel the light over your head . It is all about how we see things you know. try not to overthink his intentions just let them go... .

Best of luck!

[JustNeedToTalk]

I'm really sorry to hear about this and truly hope you aren't beating yourself up for replying.

Thanks Lighthouse9.  Yeah I am beating myself up.  I'm so angry for thinking that he would feel some emotion for me.  He doesn't.  He just wanted a reaction.  So I was polite and didn't rise to any

I wonder if the progress might be a bit quicker this time, given that you've been through it before, or at least be different. It's possible that you'll be set back, like opening up an old wound, but I wonder what might heal this time that didn't last time. Are you open to the potential of a different kind of healing?

yeah this is what I am aiming for.  The realisation that he is a completely and utter selfish PR***... . 

[JustNeedToTalk]

JNTT,

I am actually going thru the exact opposite. I started NC and now i feel bad! I blocked him out of everything bc i know myself and that the only way to do it for me. I was thinking today to send him a text telling him the reason why i blocked him out. He really didn't do anything wrong to me more than being confused about what he wanted and maybe prolonging the pain, i wasn't going to be his second choice you know. Anyway, now i feel bad bc i feel i ended the r/s like in bad terms and i don't want that. My text would be brief and concise but idk if i should. I wouldn't expect any reply just maybe an ease of mind for myself.

As of you, maybe yes, i think we know ourselves enough to know when we are still attached to a person, if you felt played, then means that you are still emotionally involved. I think that once he reached back to you and you act like a normal educated and nice person by replying and he acts like as a** and you don't care anymore, then that day will be the day where you will feel the light over your head . It is all about how we see things you know. try not to overthink his intentions just let them go... .

Best of luck!

I never blocked him.  He blocks and unblocks me still.  I think you have to do what you need to do.  I have often thought about blocking him and explaining why.  But I has always perceived blocking him as him winning.  Let him act like a child and block and unblock.  I refuse to rise to this.  Although I know many on here may disagree with me.

My aim is indifference... .Who knows if I will ever achieve this but I am trying and his recent emails are perhaps helping.  How are you today?

[JustNeedToTalk]

I've just blocked him... .I feel so immature but I have to do it for my own sanity.  I hate this.  I never wanted to do this.

[randomuser94]

treating me like I was the demise of our relationship.

Oh, how we all know the feeling.

I've been NC for a while as well until yesterday. She tried to bring me back using the pets we shared as an excuse. I couldn't stay silent. I've exposed her "game" and told her I've deleted her from my life and that my life it's better without her. Funny how she had to point out "that she's not sad, and gets to sleep well at night". I didn't pointed out anything related to her or such, especially how's her life.

[JustNeedToTalk]

Oh, how we all know the feeling.

I've been NC for a while as well until yesterday. She tried to bring me back using the pets we shared as an excuse. I couldn't stay silent. I've exposed her "game" and told her I've deleted her from my life and that my life it's better without her. Funny how she had to point out "that she's not sad, and gets to sleep well at night". I didn't pointed out anything related to her or such, especially how's her life.

WOW - that is literally the exact conversation we had.  He had to point out that life is getting better for him and used some lame excuse about something I had to pass to a mutual friend.  I didn't ask him how his life was.

[Pencil sketch]

One thing, that resonates through all these no contact posts, is the guilt we feel for ending it badly/abruptly.
It's their way of maintaining control, they count on our consciences to keep this insidious cycle going.
We feel guilty, apologise, they ramp up the abuse, ignore what we have written, we react in a negative way, lash out, they accuse us of being crazy, we instigate no contact, and the cycle starts again.
If their acts are conscious or not, the short term relief, we receive when we contact them, isn't worth it.
Long haul is the only way.

[stixx44]

I went NC and deleted my ex’s contact from my phone three weeks ago.  The day after our final split I received some information from a friend of mine that made it impossible to ever get back with her.  I never thought she was unfaithful... .I found out that wasn’t the case.

Now I know she lies and cheats.  Both dealbreakers for me.  So I won’t ever go back.

All was quiet and nice the first two weeks. I deleted all photos, threw out personal stuff... .in effect purged her from my life.  I felt good.

She texted me twice last week.

Anyway, the texts were silly high school stuff... .“Can we be friends?”  ”I waited so long for you.  I miss us.”  And then a link to a sad song. 

Nothing, nothing about me.  No “how have you been?”  All about her.

I didn’t respond.  My loving thoughts of her and me together have taken a wild 180 spin since I have learned she’s never been the person I thought she was.  And we never were the couple I thought we were.

It hurts like hell to find out our entire r/s was a sham.   But I will not delude myself into thinking that anything we had was real.

In a weird sense (and I don’t like that I feel this way), I got some satisfaction that at least for the few moments she was texting me that she was the one hurting, not me.

I feel no guilt about not replying. I was sympathetic about her BPD, but I’m not anymore.  She does nothing to help herself... .just drinks her problems away (and that’s one aspect of her life she can control).   I don’t expect to hear from her again, as she probably assumes I blocked her since I didn’t respond.  And that’s fine with me.

I’m sure that as soon as she hit the Send button, she didn’t give me another thought.

She left a lot of wreckage behind her.  Unlike her, I’m still on these boards trying to work out and understand what I’ve been through.  She has no idea of the havoc she has wreaked.

But thanks to all of you here.  This place has been a great source of strength for me.  I enjoy following certain threads and actually seeing the progress people make.

[xyz-Girl]

I never blocked him.  He blocks and unblocks me still.  I think you have to do what you need to do.  I have often thought about blocking him and explaining why.  But I has always perceived blocking him as him winning.  Let him act like a child and block and unblock.  I refuse to rise to this.  Although I know many on here may disagree with me.

My aim is indifference... .Who knows if I will ever achieve this but I am trying and his recent emails are perhaps helping.  How are you today?

That makes sense! You go with what you feel and do not let him overstep your boundaries. I am doing good, I texted him explaining why I blocked him, very direct and concise actually. But I have not unblocked him of my social media. I know that I will find something and it will hurt me so it’s the best for me. I do feel better about the text, I feel that now he knows why, I can move on peacefully. What you you? Any news?

[love4meNOTu]

I initially went no contact because I had to.

When I did communicate w/ xhwBPD it was more of the same. (Literally the same accusations on rinse and repeat). These ideas were untrue and extraordinarily painful for me to hear over and over. In hindsight, I realize that was how he coped with the breakup/ divorce and the shame of said events.

It took me about 8 months to be able to think clearly. (The FOG that we refer to). After that 8 months was up, I saw things clearly, not as clearly as I do now, but enough to feel some relief from the pain.

As painful as it is, the only way through was time and for me, therapy.

If you are in an abusive relationship (verbally or physically) with a mentally ill person it will traumatize you.

There is no escaping that fact, that you need to get help, focus on yourself and quit praying for your abuser to save or come back to you.

[randomuser94]

I initially went no contact because I had to.

When I did communicate w/ xhwBPD it was more of the same. (Literally the same accusations on rinse and repeat). These ideas were untrue and extraordinarily painful for me to hear over and over. In hindsight, I realize that was how he coped with the breakup/ divorce and the shame of said events.
 

Going exactly trough the same thing. I've realized that it's impossible to communicate. Every discussion was basically the same:
-if i started it-> she will insult me, tell me she has no reason to talk to me, tell me to stop trying to talk to her.
-if she started it-> she will always find something that I should do for her, like she owns me. If i dare to refuse this "honor" of doing something for her, she will go in a rage and trow insults at me once again.

There is no real escape from all of this except NoContact.

[Pencil sketch]

Randomuser94, that is pretty much it, you have explained it perfectly.
She came back, confused the hell out of me, told me to leave her alone, and hell will freeze over, before she ever speaks to me again.
The funny part is, when I mentioned, that we wouldn't be here, going around in circles, if she had left me alone, she threatened to take a restraining order out on me.
You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried.

[JustNeedToTalk]

One thing, that resonates through all these no contact posts, is the guilt we feel for ending it badly/abruptly.
It's their way of maintaining control, they count on our consciences to keep this insidious cycle going.
We feel guilty, apologise, they ramp up the abuse, ignore what we have written, we react in a negative way, lash out, they accuse us of being crazy, we instigate no contact, and the cycle starts again.
If their acts are conscious or not, the short term relief, we receive when we contact them, isn't worth it.
Long haul is the only way.

I couldn't agree more Pencil Sketch I have learned a tough lesson by responding.  And you are correct I feel so guilty.  But  I've blocked him now (which I never wanted to do), but I had to for my own sanity.  I want complete no contact, not me stalking his social media or staring at my whatsapp waiting for a message.  It's taken me four months to realise what true NC is.

[JustNeedToTalk]

That makes sense! You go with what you feel and do not let him overstep your boundaries. I am doing good, I texted him explaining why I blocked him, very direct and concise actually. But I have not unblocked him of my social media. I know that I will find something and it will hurt me so it’s the best for me. I do feel better about the text, I feel that now he knows why, I can move on peacefully. What you you? Any news?

Did he reply to you?  How do you feel?

I am exactly the same with you as far as social media is concerned.  I can't watch from a distance him fall in love with someone else.  And I fear he would find a way for me to see things, through mutual friends etc.

I feel more empowered today, my blocking (as much as I didn't want it to come to this) allowed me to wake up this morning without the fear or hope that I would have a message from him.  He was still the first thought on my mind but I didn't jump to my phone to check all possible mediums of communication.

His emails this past week have made me realise how selfish he is, he only cares about himself and telling me how great he is doing without me, or looking for sympathy, or blaming me for what happened.  I can't have and don't need that negativity in my life.

And you know what I can't get my head around, I don't think I'm chocolate, believe me, I am full of insecurities but he was punching above his wait, he's not massively attractive, he's charismatic and funny, but he had nothing to offer me.  He was a penniless, lying, cheating, abusive, selfish manipulator.  I am extremely successful.  I DO NOT NEED HIM.  I want to learn to be happy alone and deal with my co-dependency.  Feeling really positive today.  This might change tomorrow but taking each day as it comes right now.  Someone said to me on here and apologies for not remember who "place your goals before your feelings" ... .I'm trying to live by that at the moment. 

If we can love the wrong men this much imagine how much we can love the right men.

Lets keep supporting each other.

JNTTx

[randomuser94]

If we can love the wrong men this much imagine how much we can love the right men.

Imagine receiving the same love back, the same respect and the same trust.
Keep investing in you. Build back the self-love the BPD destroyed and things will work wonderful in your future.

[JustNeedToTalk]

Imagine receiving the same love back, the same respect and the same trust.
Keep investing in you. Build back the self-love the BPD destroyed and things will work wonderful in your future.

Thank you. I really need to log on and read this right now. Thank you. Xxx