Husband gets angry that we're taking his things. He ran out of soda, drank mine

[Pier68]

Husband w BPD adds a grocery item he enjoys to the shopping cart or brings something home that one might presume is for household use, like a skillet. These items go into the kitchen for all to see and -- presumably -- use/consume. Food gets eaten, skillet gets used, and Husband gets very angry that we're taking his things. Husband refuses to put a label on items that he perceives to be "his" because he doesn't want to look like The Bad Guy" in the family.

This week I purchased a big bottle of caffeine-free cola, not one Husband typically likes. He asked why I bought it and I explained I wanted to enjoy it in the evenings and didn't want caffeine. (He drinks caffeine 24/7.) He ran out of his soda and then drank "mine." He would have gone nuts if I had drank his soda without asking, but I didn't say anything. I want to.

Does anyone have ideas on how to manage this?

Pier68

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[pearlsw]

Hi Pier68,

Have you asked him if he likes this new soda after all too? To be honest, I'd just buy more soda if I could afford it. This is not a hill to die on if ya know what I mean.

with compassion, pearl.

[Pier68]

Hi Pearl

This is not a hill to die on. We do, however, need to know what is "his" and what is for the family to enjoy so we are not condemned for taking the wrong things. It is difficult to live in a home with unwritten and changing rules. The soda was just an example of things that happen every week, sometimes daily.

Pier68

[Lady Itone]

We do, however, need to know what is "his" and what is for the family to enjoy so we are not condemned for taking the wrong things. It is difficult to live in a home with unwritten and changing rules. The soda was just an example of things that happen every week, sometimes daily.

Pier68

Ugh, that sounds frustrating. I'm an only child and hate sharing, but even I know that food in the family fridge belongs to everyone.

If husband is the sole supporter of the family? If so, I might buy him his own soda and tell the kids not to touch it. Does he do most of the cooking for the family and likes to sometimes make special things? If so, I might let him have a special skillet. My ex husband was a professional chef, and I'd never use his carving knives when they were in our kitchen. But overall, the whole "his" stuff verses family stuff, especially if you're never sure which is which, wouldn't work for me.    

Does BPDh become violent over his stuff being used? What's the punishment if you refuse to acknowledge "his" stuff verses stuff for all?

Does "his" stuff come out of his pocket money, after the financial needs of the family are met? If so, and he truly needs to be separate from the family, can he create his own room/mancave/garage maybe with his own little fridge and hotplate?  

Unless he's got the money, space, and time to maintain such separation within a family home, it's unfair to ask that the communal areas/utensils/food be divided into his stuff vs. the family's stuff which he can also use.

It is a family home, not a college dorm where you put tape with your name on your yoghurt, and he knows it, which is why he won't label items.  

I wouldn't mention him drinking your soda. But what if next time he started in about "his" stuff, instead of apologizing or trying to make sure it doesn't happen again, you insist that in the family space, using things purchased from a family account, everything belongs to the family?

[Pier68]

Is husband is the sole supporter of the family?

No. He works part-time and makes half of what I earn. Most of his income pays for his own debts, although he does pay the heat and internet bills. I cover most household bills out of my own account.

I might buy him his own soda and tell the kids not to touch it. ?

He has his own. He drinks a lot of soda and we know not to touch his brand. He buys his own soda. Sometimes, though, he’ll put an item into the shopping cart and we have no clue that he wanted it to be “his.” I suppose if I remembered what he put into the cart I'd have an idea that he was mentally tagging that thing.

Does BPDh become violent over his stuff being used? What's the punishment if you refuse to acknowledge "his" stuff verses stuff for all?

He is verbally aggressive. I can understand if he put things on his shelf in a cupboard, on his shelf in the fridge, or labelled something, but if we have no clue – we can’t read minds – I’m at a loss. He recently said that if it looks special we should ask permission before taking something. His idea of “special” would require reading his mind.

can he create his own room/mancave/garage maybe with his own little fridge and hotplate? 

He sleeps in the basement. His choice. I may need to suggest we setup a suite for him down there. That could go badly unless I make it seem like his idea. Even moving things around the house -- furniture, what goes on what shelf -- triggers his anger.

I wouldn't mention him drinking your soda. But what if next time he started in about "his" stuff, instead of apologizing or trying to make sure it doesn't happen again, you insist that in the family space, using things purchased from a family account, everything belongs to the family?

I do insist that supplies in the kitchen are shared unless labelled. We do not have a family account. My account is what is used to provide for the family. I have had to do this so he doesn’t spend what is supposed to be for bills, groceries, etc.

Maybe I need to setup a family account with leftover money after all the bills are paid? I suppose its worth a try.


Pier68

[pearlsw]

Hi again,

I appreciate that you have a very tough/complicated living situation, and a lot has broken down between you two, but on this specific point…He ran out of soda, and he drank some of “yours”. Did you because of that not have enough or was it fine?

I think, from what you say, he wants his stuff and will not/can not share. Can you share your stuff even if he does not sometimes? Are you gonna have conflict with him for using your stuff too? Can you live with him not sharing, but you sometimes having to?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Pier68]

I think, from what you say, he wants his stuff and will not/can not share. Can you share your stuff even if he does not sometimes?

I share. What I put in the kitchen or bathroom is for the family. Perhaps what you are saying is that I must accept that he will take but may not share.

[pearlsw]

Hi again! 

You may laugh at me a little, but your post reminded me of what it was like having two brothers. I think I am good at sharing, on the other hand…Well, as a kid I felt my brothers had a tendency to break stuff and make big messes. I wanted to go in their room and hang out and play with them, but my room was basically off limits to them. Their room was more fun anyway so they didn’t really try to come into my room, but they were not happy with the lack of reciprocity.

I guess I saw a little of myself in him! Other than the fact I don’t drink soda.

I don’t know what his reasons are for not reciprocating, but I would not spend a lot of time worrying about him being “fair” - that’s a lot for you to police and who wants to be the “fairness police”? Not when you can just buy more soda and “solve” this one issue for a few extra dollars…and then move on to other issues. In fact, you might lean into this and show him how much you care by doing the opposite of what the first instinct is - to fight for fairness. Instead, show generosity and compassion and care and let the resentment go. Make it fun, more soda for everyone! We’re the house with all the soda we want! Resentment is what will kill the relationship if one is not careful.

I saw on another post you two are having sexual issues. This is where I’d focus because that is a bigger make or break issue than soda (which really isn’t about soda).

I’m not saying such issues aren’t important, you have to face your resentments and look carefully at them. You have to decide what you can/can’t let go. My h bugs me a lot by not saying please and thank you very much….long story I won’t retell now, but I hear ya…some things can drive ya nuts!

wishing you peace, pearl. 

[Michael43]

Pier68,

I deal with this same issue with my BPD spouse.  We have separate banking accounts and I pay for most of the food budget.  I do buy pop for me and her.  She has been drinking my soda.  In the past when this has happened I have had to hide my soda.

When she kept eating my ice cream, I started buying only strawberry, which she is allergic to.  Solved that problem!

I did call her on drinking my soda after she already drank her whole month's supply in two weeks.  I did let her know she can spend her own money to buy her soda.  If she drinks my pop again I will have to hide it in the garage.

Of course once I called her on her behavior she claims I am trying to make her vomit from caffeine withdrawal and she gave me silent treatment for a couple days. 

You have to learn to create boundaries for everything that is important to you and stick to them.  I have decided that if it is important to you be willing to stick to your boundaries.