BPD and sense of humor

[The Cat in d Hat]

I found myself ruminating and of course a memory brought up a question. Do pwBPD have a unique take on humor? Being able to perhaps maybe undetect it, such as when sarcasm goes over their head, and they take things face value?

Once in the beginning we talked and she just went off on all the things she loved about me, and i jokingly said “Don’t fall in love with me, ”. I would imagine the  was enough to convey sarcasm, but she reacted to it with a serious tone and said “Why would you say that”, and just wouldn’t drop it.

Another conversation was when she said in the middle of the day she drunk, and I said ok driving, so I joked about how we’re not good for each other (drunk driving). Her tone changed again like oh ok as if she thought I was serious.

Are things like these pushing the fear of abandonment button? Trying to gauge if I was inadvertently doing that perhaps? as other women usually respond with a laugh.

[Harley Quinn]

Sense of humour can be quite an individual thing.  I know I've been surprised by the differences in others when it came to sense of humour - for example my son's father who thinks it is funny to be mean to others.  To me that is just bullying and not funny at all.  So yes, it is likely that what you're detecting is on the right track.  In any r/s it's possible to inadvertently trigger an insecurity unknowingly, so I don't think this is restricted to pwBPD.  However we do know that fear of abandonment is a major player in the life of a sufferer so what you experienced sounds like she was triggered. 

It's good that you're wanting to build upon your understanding.  There are a lot of people out there who are emotionally sensitive and you're gaining insight into how to detect and manage that in future relationships.

Love and light x

[once removed]

Do pwBPD have a unique take on humor?

everyone does. people with BPD do not, any more than you or i.

i would add one caveat: people with BPD are especially sensitive to perceived criticism or rejection. a lot of humor, like sarcasm, or teasing, can be taken very personally; it can be for all of us, but pwBPD tend to react disproportionally.

Once in the beginning we talked and she just went off on all the things she loved about me, and i jokingly said “Don’t fall in love with me, ”. I would imagine the  was enough to convey sarcasm, but she reacted to it with a serious tone and said “Why would you say that”, and just wouldn’t drop it.

id be inquisitive about this too. "dont fall in love with me" sounds like a warning. she may have overreacted, but if you were evasive or "i was just joking", it may have made her suspicious.

Another conversation was when she said in the middle of the day she drunk, and I said ok driving, so I joked about how we’re not good for each other (drunk driving). Her tone changed again like oh ok as if she thought I was serious.

if i recall, the two of you hadnt met, do i have that right? humor can be very difficult to detect in those circumstances, and humor that clicks and works between two people takes a long time to develop. if you were joking with her at this point about not being good for each other, i think it would be reasonable cause for concern or being taken aback.

[The Cat in d Hat]

This happened to us a lot, largely due not having met yet. Some things she’d say I wouldn’t quite understand either. Eventually I told her if she ever feels something I said was ambiguous or hurtful, or vice-versa, just talk about it rather than misconstruing or misunderstanding.

The “don’t fall in love me” line, i really needed to break this crazy tension, it was just too much, I didn’t even meet her and she was just praising me way too much. I know what I’m about, it felt off, so I kind of just said that.

The drunk and driving kind I suppose yes was asking for misunderstanding in a way, but this was late in after we’ve been talking, fairly comfortable, excited to meet each other, and it was face to face on a video chat.

I guess we never really did understand each other. Hmm.

[Turkish]

PwBPD tend not to take sarcasm well, though as once removed points out,  a lot of people don't take it well. By itself,  is invalidating, joking between buddies aside. 

What ate the core emotions of a pwBPD? Shame. "My feelings are inherently worthless,  therfore I'm inherently worthless."

We can trigger these feelings.  Since pwBPD feel the same emotions we do,  but far more intensely and often uncontrolled,  cue the drama. Hence our validation tools here. 

Yes, my ex's sense of humor isn't like others,  nor that of my BPD mother.  One never knows the trigger, but the core emotion is worthlessness.  A healthy person lets a lot of things slide. A pwBPD may not have the emotional tools to do so. 

[Cromwell]

I found myself ruminating and of course a memory brought up a question. Do pwBPD have a unique take on humor? Being able to perhaps maybe undetect it, such as when sarcasm goes over their head, and they take things face value?

Once in the beginning we talked and she just went off on all the things she loved about me, and i jokingly said “Don’t fall in love with me, ”. I would imagine the  was enough to convey sarcasm, but she reacted to it with a serious tone and said “Why would you say that”, and just wouldn’t drop it.

Another conversation was when she said in the middle of the day she drunk, and I said ok driving, so I joked about how we’re not good for each other (drunk driving). Her tone changed again like oh ok as if she thought I was serious.

Are things like these pushing the fear of abandonment button? Trying to gauge if I was inadvertently doing that perhaps? as other women usually respond with a laugh.

my ex could have been the king of sarcastic jokes, but god forbid if I ever made one towards her in a playful way, she would go suddenly quiet and I could tell that she was processing it deeply as a suspected put down and in all probability, thinking already of what do to punish in return.

i think at least you were fortunate that she would ask you to clarify what you meant and give you the opportunity to explain things.

[tlc232]

my ex could have been the king of sarcastic jokes, but god forbid if I ever made one towards her in a playful way, she would go suddenly quiet and I could tell that she was processing it deeply as a suspected put down and in all probability, thinking already of what do to punish in return.

I never quite realized this, but you are right.  Looking back, I really see it now.  I never got his ability to make fun of others (nicely - in jesting) or to complain about everything, but there was no such this as constructive criticism (even the most benign).   And sarcasm was never, ever handled well.   The hard part is that when you daily interact with a person who does not see things the way they really are (the black and white facts) to such a high level... .it did likely cause me to be sarcastic because I had no clue that his thinking was truly distorted for a reason.   When the "are you ready to head out" was turned into a "I don't want you to go with me tonight"... .after so long... .it likely amped my sarcasm.   I didn't know (then) how we ever got from A to Z.

[once removed]

an eye opening bit i read here recently on sarcasm in the context of healthy relationships and healthy communication:

What is sarcasm and why do we use it? Sarcasm (not irony) is a polite version of criticism. There is a human tendency (we all do this) to do this, too. It is a form of criticism that is usually accompanied by particular negative attitudes, such as disapproval, contempt, scorn, and ridicule.  Some argued that an effect of ironic criticism is to dilute condemnation, relative to the more direct form of just verbalizing the criticism". Studies have demonstrated that sometimes ironic criticism is used for the complete opposite reason, namely to enhance condemnation (Toplak, 2000). It is often taken this way, by the recipient.

[Daffodill]

My uBPDbf can dish out the sarcastic jokes like a champ, but he can't deal with it coming from another person, he takes it seriously and it hurts his feelings.  He also can't understand that there's a line where sarcasm crosses over to criticism and bullying.  He's always saying he's just joking and thinks that as long as he puts an "" on the end of it, it's ok.  But, when everything out of his mouth is sarcastic and it's all negative, it really begins to wear.  Pointing it out to him and asking him to cut back also hurts his feelings.  It's a no-win situation.