My Wife's Dad Died One Year Ago

[NGU]

I was sitting here reading though things and suddenly realized I should probably share this. 

A tiny background first.
My wife and I were secretly married in 2013. It was either that or a forced gigantic ceremony/reception with the subsequent anxiety/meltdown.
It was getting progressively stranger to keep it a secret from her family, but I had to be OK with it. Because at that point, it was either that or a forced gigantic belated party with the subsequent anxiety/meltdown.

Her dad was diagnosed with an incurable lung fibrosis in late 2016. Given up to five years. My wife was suddenly quite motivated to have a ceremony/reception. For her dad. She had most of the entire thing self-planned in a month. But her dad immediately went from walking, to walking with portable oxygen, to sitting in a wheelchair with a house full of oxygen.

A day came when there was only one logical option. She canceled the wedding and we got married in her parent's house, one year ago tomorrow. It was the last time I saw him. She watched him die 8 days later.

That, and we closed on a house that he never got to see, and a bad Christmas, has left her in bad shape for most of the year. That brings us to last night. We had just gone to bed. She said she might have a rough weekend. The surprising piece here is that she let me know. So I said the correct things, and she's been relatively OK today. Quiet, but not too bad.

No questions for the group. No real conclusion or look forward. Just that.

-ngu

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

I would validate for her that it's good for her recognize and anticipate the anniversary feelings. It hasn't been that long since my dad died, and I get it.

[NGU]

I would validate for her that it's good for her recognize and anticipate the anniversary feelings. It hasn't been that long since my dad died, and I get it.

The thing she seems to respond to the best is me saying of version of "You can be sad. You're allowed."

Interestingly, she also seemed to respond to a silly Safe-Space-related acronym I gave to the house last summer. It's like giving the house a title allowed her to realize what I've been trying to help her understand for years... .that's there's no judgment here. Guilt-free grief.

Thanks Gagrl.

[Tattered Heart]

THat's really sweet and kind of you to remind her that she has a safe place to be sad. The first few anniversaries are so hard. I hope she is able to cry as she needs to and feel whatever feelings need to come out. 

When my H foretells or shares his emotions approrpiately I always thank him for sharing with me.

[Radcliff]

NGU,

Thank you for sharing.  That's fantastic that your wife recognized that she was likely to be impacted, was able to express it to you beforehand, and you were able to support her.  I'm sure you've thanked her for it.  Look for any sign of her doing something like that again, and reinforce it.  Perhaps you can start a trend!  When we often experience things going south despite our best efforts, it feels really good to rack up a victory!

WW