I feel our son is in danger

[Iamba]

Need help.  New to BPD.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Iamba

Welcome to bpdfamily. You say you need help, could you perhaps tell us a bit more about what you're dealing with?

Do you have someone in your life with BPD?

You mention being new to BPD. Are there any specific areas you need help with?

[Mutt]

Hi Iamba,



Discovering BOD can be scary but rest assured you’re not going through this alone. Can you tell us your backstory?

[Iamba]

Our 20+ Son is involved with a "girlfriend" who is very violent and abusive.  She has punched, bitten, slapped, scratched and head-butted him.  She has broken his TV by throwing something at the screen. She has ripped a light fixture out of the ceiling and thrown it at him.  Most recently, she broke a beer bottle over his face causing a very severe gash on his eyelid.  This happened in a public place.  Police were not called.
This has been ongoing for over a year.  Each time there is a huge incident, he comes to our place to get away from her for a night or two.  We have long discussions with him about it.  We often feel that he is ready to break it off with her but he keeps taking her back.  They both drink a lot. He seems to know this and says he 'will work on it'. This is sad, scary, dangerous, disturbing, confusing and exhausting. I feel that he is in danger. He feels we are a bit over-the-top and that 'they can work it out'.  He told us way back that she told him she has BPD.  No meds. No Doctor.  He went to see a Psychologist once several months ago.  The doctor told our Son that this girl is very ill and needs mental health help asap!  He told him that if nothing is done on her part, she will either put him in jail, in hospital or will kill him.  He will not go back to that doctor.  My husband and I are simply lost!  We don't know how to deal with this!

[Speck]

Welcome, Iamba!

 

Please allow me to join Mutt and Kwamina in welcoming you to the forums. From your post, it sounds like you're going through a very hard time. I'm sorry this is the case. I also hear a lot of fear in your post, and that's understandable considering the circumstances. Based on what you've shared thus far, I think you will find many parallels with other members' stories here, and hopefully, understand that you are not alone with your worry.

As you learn more about BPD, it can help disperse some of the more atrocious fears that you have and help put them in perspective. You can find very helpful site articles here that may help relieve your anxiety, or, at least, give you some good ideas for communicating with your son about this issue.

It sounds like you have a good rapport with your son and that he feels comfortable bringing his concerns to you. That's great! He may be just checking his home base (you) to see what you think of the issue. Clearly, the matter is troublesome for him, and he wants your opinion. Again, that's great! Now that he has it, he may be waiting for more "data" from his GF to happen. If it is in deep opposition/conflict to what his home base says is normal and healthy, then he may ultimately decide to end things with his GF. This will take time. Probably more time than you're gonna be happy with.

We're always willing to listen to what you have to say. You're not alone.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning... .


-Speck

[Iamba]

Thank You Speck!  We will always 'be here' for our Son. We will listen, offer advice, comfort and compassion.
However, we recently made it quite clear that we will not bail him out of jail, pay medical expenses or loan him any money.
(All of which we have done in the recent past!)  We just pray that he survives this nightmare and will get tired of the drama soon.

[Mutt]

Hi Iamba,

Wow there’s a lot going on. I’m sorry that you and your H are going through. I would feel worried too if I were in your shoes. It helps to talk about it. Why won’t he go back to th doctor? How about going to a different doctor?

[Speck]

Hello again, Iamba:

I have just a couple of things to add:

We will always 'be here' for our Son. We will listen, offer advice, comfort and compassion.

That's wonderful for him. I'm so glad he can count on that in you.

However, we recently made it quite clear that we will not bail him out of jail, pay medical expenses or loan him any money. (All of which we have done in the recent past!)

Yes. I hear you on that! Continuing to bail adult children out of their own jams only ensures the next one. I'm glad you have set theses boundaries with him. Very important!

We just pray that he survives this nightmare and will get tired of the drama soon.

I know you do, and I, too, hope that he chooses a path that will bring him joy, happiness, and peace. He may just need to see what really, really bad looks like first. Young adults are willing to suffer in ways that older, wiser people are not. I believe if you can gently support him from the sidelines (emotionally), steady as a rock, then he will figure it out... .in time.

If you need a sounding board until that day comes, well, make yourself at home. We're always listening.


-Speck

[Feeling Better]

Hi Iamba

I would like to join the others in welcoming you to the board at this very difficult time. I understand your fear and distress, you love your son and you want the very best for him. Despite everything that is going on in his relationship with this girl your son obviously still wants to be with her, it is his choice and that is something that you will have to accept while ever he is with her. It is great that your son has a good relationship with you and is able to confide in you. It sounds like you are doing a good job, there is one thing though that you might want to read about so that you don’t get drawn into any drama, here’s the link:

Karpman Drama Triangle

It might help you deal with all that is happening at the moment if you can read about BPD so that you can get a better understanding of it, which in turn might help to allay your fears. There is lots of information which can be found on this site. What are your thoughts on that?

Do you have any contact with your son’s girlfriend?

[Hyacinth Bucket]

If he's open to it, maybe you could offer to go to a co-dependents anonymous meeting with him. Theirs sounds like an incredibly codependent relationship. It sounds like maybe your son feels like he can "help" his girlfriend.

Good for you for setting boundaries! That will make you more sane, and its teaching by doingfor your son - demonstrating what healthy boundaries are and showing that he can have those too if he chooses.

[Iamba]

Good Morning all.  To answer a couple of questions:  Our Son has said he will not go to any doctor, counselor or support group for help with anything.  He seems to think that he can handle his problems with his BP girlfriend on his own.  I believe he is very much in denial and brainwashed by her.  She is extremely manipulative.
I have had little or no contact with her for several months until a few days ago when I sent her a short text message reminding her that rhe Restraining Order my Son had against her is still in effect.  They had violated it by getting together to talk things over, had yet another huge fight and she was texting him to meet her to get her stuff from the apartment.  My Son was here with me at the time and gave me permission to send her the message.  She responded to my text with several very long hateful profanity-filled texts - calling me 'every name in the book'.  I was stunned that anyone could have that much anger and hatred for another person... .and put it in writing!  He agreed that that was pretty crazy!  Frankly, it was scary as heck!  And yes... .he went back to her 2 days later!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

He seems to think that he can handle his problems with his BP girlfriend on his own.  I believe he is very much in denial and brainwashed by her.

You’re tight he could be trying to prevent conflict with her and that’s a reason why that he’s not reaching out for help. This is really difficult stuff to talk about he probably knows what he should be doing but he could be embarrrased and afraid to get judged.

My advice don’t his gf anything that she can use against use to him. Remain neutral don’t take anyone’s side be supportive and he might come to you for aide. I understand that this has to be difficult for you to watch I’d suggest that you take really care of yourself it’s stressful to think about this everyday and you don’t want to burn the candle at both ends. What’s your support network like? Are you seeing a T?

[Iamba]

I saw a family counselor back in Nov.2017 for 2 sessions.  She suggested that I read 'Stop Walking On Eggshells".
We agreed to get back together in the New Year. I meant to call her several times but just never reached out to her till just a few days ago, as this situation has suddenly gotten really worse than ever before.  I have an appointment scheduled for this week with her and I am listening to the book.  I have 2 Sisters with whom I am very close. I tell them everything. They are very good listeners!  I also have 2 really good friends I can share my thoughts and feelings with.  All are very supportive.

[Feeling Better]

I have had little or no contact with her for several months until a few days ago when I sent her a short text message reminding her that rhe Restraining Order my Son had against her is still in effect.  They had violated it by getting together to talk things over, had yet another huge fight and she was texting him to meet her to get her stuff from the apartment.  My Son was here with me at the time and gave me permission to send her the message.  She responded to my text with several very long hateful profanity-filled texts - calling me 'every name in the book'.  I was stunned that anyone could have that much anger and hatred for another person... .and put it in writing!  He agreed that that was pretty crazy!  Frankly, it was scary as heck!  And yes... .he went back to her 2 days later!

Hi Iamba

I understand how much you love your son and want the very best for him, I really do, however, I do think that by sending his girlfriend the text message, you have entered into that Karpman Drama Triangle that I posted you the link for in a previous reply. Would you mind if I suggest again that you try and read about it?

You are being so supportive of your son, he is lucky having you there looking out for his welfare. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for you, picking up the pieces, putting him back together, only to have to go through it all again. My heart goes out to you, you are a wonderful mother.

I hope that in all of this you are not forgetting to look after yourself, as Mutt says too, it is very important for you.   

[Iamba]

Thank You!  I will check out the Karpman Drama Triangle.