I couldn't "bring anything to the table"

[Our abuse recovery guide]

In my interactions with my sister, things usually went like this:  Sis would say "What's new?"  I would ask if if she was sure she wanted to hear hear my stuff and sis would say "Yes." I would tell her latest tales with my male friend.  Sis always had opinions, sent me articles, told me what she would do (if it was her in that situation), tell me her real life experiences that always somehow put her in similar circumstance where she just walked away without looking back etc.  Basically any time I mentioned ANY situation and I do mean any, she had the solution and dog gone it I better do what she says I should do.  An example is if we are talking about drinking, sister says she doesn't drink and I believe this as she is hooked on many prescription meds.  Sis says she never drank but knows all about drinking because she read something, knows someone etc.  The same happened when we were talking about college sororities.  I went to college and was in a sorority.  Sis never went to college let alone be in a sorority.  She claims she knows all about them tho because her daughter went to a Frat party one time.  This daughter never went to a four year college.  What I am saying Isis knows everything about everything.  When we would have a discussion, she always has a personal story about whatever it is that is the topic and that is how it is.  Sometimes we just want someone to listen and not tell us what to do let alone always have a personal story on how they had the same thing happen to them yet they always did the right thing.  It was impossible to discuss anything with sis.  She felt she had all the answers... .

[Pina colada]

In my interactions with my sister, things usually went like this:  Sis would say "What's new?"  I would ask if if she was sure she wanted to hear hear my stuff and sis would say "Yes." I would tell her latest tales with my male friend.  Sis always had opinions, sent me articles, told me what she would do (if it was her in that situation), tell me her real life experiences that always somehow put her in similar circumstance where she just walked away without looking back etc.  Basically any time I mentioned ANY situation and I do mean any, she had the solution and dog gone it I better do what she says I should do.  An example is if we are talking about drinking, sister says she doesn't drink and I believe this as she is hooked on many prescription meds.  Sis says she never drank but knows all about drinking because she read something, knows someone etc.  The same happened when we were talking about college sororities.  I went to college and was in a sorority.  Sis never went to college let alone be in a sorority.  She claims she knows all about them tho because her daughter went to a Frat party one time.  This daughter never went to a four year college.  What I am saying Isis knows everything about everything.  When we would have a discussion, she always has a personal story about whatever it is that is the topic and that is how it is.  Sometimes we just want someone to listen and not tell us what to do let alone always have a personal story on how they had the same thing happen to them yet they always did the right thing.  It was impossible to discuss anything with sis.  She felt she had all the answers... .

[Harri]

Hi Pina Colada. 

I know it is frustrating and hurtful to have this happen over and over again.  The thing is you need to stop expecting your sister to behave in ways she is just not capable of.  That sounds a lot harsher than I want it to.  Not sure how to say it softly without losing the message.   

She is who she is.  What do you think if the next time she asks "whats new" you say something that allows her to be her and is less hurtful for you.  Something like:  "Not much is new.  What is new with you?" 

Unless your sister changes the ways she is (doubtful) and you change you expectations, you will keep running into the same problem.  The chances of having a healthy or more typical relationship with her are very slim. 

What do you think?

[Mutt]

Hi Pina Colada,

I was going to say that she’s a know it all. I agree with you that sometimes you just want to share with someone else and they don’t need to fix it for you you just want them to listen. How is your male friend is a good listener? Do you have a friend or family member other than your sis that would be a good listener?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Pina Colada, 

Harri and Mutt have both shared some really valid points. I like this suggestion:

What do you think if the next time she asks "whats new" you say something that allows her to be her and is less hurtful for you.  Something like:  "Not much is new.  What is new with you?" 

I think this is especially good because it is allowing you the freedom to step back and take inventory and decide if you wish to speak or not. I've been in similar situations with my DH. I got so tired of not being heard, of him always having the answer and the criticism to go with it towards what I would say. I gave up. There was no point in speaking when it all became about him. It has taken me time to unlearn that standard behavior with him, and to choose when and what I will speak. I stay with safe subjects as much as possible, then look for safe people who are able to meet my emotional needs. Do you have someone like that in your life who is a good listener and truly safe?

 
Wools

[Pina colada]

Hi all and I am sorry to take so long to respond.  I am not always get on here although I try... .Harri, I love that you told me exactly how it is.  You were not harsh but honest.  I did try and be very vague, general, ask her about herself.  She can talk about herself, a lot and long.  That was fine.  However, she always about my personal life.  As long as I did what she felt I should do she supported me.  When I did what my heart told me to do, she turned on me.  Conditional love.  Right now we are NC as she cut me off abruptly in December.  I wrote about this.  I was grocery shopping after work.  We were chatting on the phone talking about work, etc. nothing heavy.  She then asked about a male friend of mine.  She asked me why I couldn't cut him out of my life the way I cut her out of my life... .I wrote about my sisters betrayal.  My male friend has helped me in many ways.  My relationship with him is nothing compared to the betrayal I felt when I found out about my sisters hidden life of mental illness, her betrayal of my deep dark secrets and her game of divide and conquer with our mom and dad and family.  My sister had me tongue tied when she put the question on me.  I was out in a grocery store that was busy in the holiday season.  I told sis it was apples and oranges.  I told sis I needed a "time out" and I would call her in a few days after I cold think.  She hung up on me and sent me 5 long ranting texts I glanced at.  I responded to the first 3 and then stopped reading.  The last ended with one was you are blocked yada yada yada.  She must always have the last word and will not allow me to respond with my feelings.  She then has always, in the past said she is refusing to read anything from me as she can not mentally handle it or something like that.  I guess engaging with her is not a problem now... Mutt yes I have an awesome brother and cousin I am close with.  We talk often and they know all about my sister and have nothing to do with her.  I also have great friends and yes an awesome male friend... .great kids and lots of love!  Woolspinner I am sorry you go through this with your DH and that must be so hard.  I guess the key points of their disease:  BPD/NPD it will always be about them.  I know this but sometimes it is helpful to hear others being in the same situation.  Thank you!