How can I best deal with screams/outbursts by my adult daughter ?

[easter]

I would like to know how best to deal with  screams /outbursts

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi easter,

 

Welcome to the community!

What kinds of situations usually trigger your daughter’s outbursts?

How do you usually react?

heartandwhole

[bluek9]

Hi easter,

       Welcome to this board. Like heartandwhole I have questions too. Like what do you when she is acting out? Is she directing her anger at you? It's kind of hard to give feed back without some more details.
      I'll just share with you there are many, many parents here who deal with the same kinds of situations with our kids. I do hope that you will post again, share a little more when you feel comfortable with that. It's always hard to listen to our kids be verbally abusive. When my daughter does that I know she must be in terrible pain. Take heart, we are here to support you.

[Rosie1q]

Hi Easter.
Welcome to the site from one mum to another I’m no expert but here is my take on things. Read as much as you can try the tools on this site. Remember when you daughter is having a rant DONT TRY TO DEFEND YOURSELF OR YOUR ACTIONS.DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. When the red mist is here your wasting your breath. Your daughter has a illness it’s not your fault .You have done nothing wrong god knows she will blame you for everything that’s happened in her life. She can’t help her self.My daughter told me when she is screaming or blaming me she can’t stop herself and hates herself for it. Other times she will tell me to go so now I do to give her time and space to calm down.This illness is relentless at times but it is a illness. So make sure to look after yourself treat yourself now and again you Deserve it. The more you learn the better prepared you are and please when you feel down or need help reach out to this site because we all know how you feel and understand what you are going through because like you we are too . I’m sending you both love  and prayers to you. Xxx

[zachira]

You are wondering how to deal with your daughter's screaming and outbursts. It really is upsetting for you to be treated like this and to see your child so upset. When this is your child you want to help, and it can be hard to know whether to ignore the behavior or acknowledge it in the moment. You might try a technique that has been used with severely neglected disturbed children who have been adopted who do not respond to nurturing parents. It is called time-in. You let your child know that you will be there for them when they calm down. You stay at a distance from the child, like outside their bedroom door, and let them know you are there, yet let the child calm herself/himself down. When you are feeling calm, and your child has calmed down, you can try to talk about what just happened,and what might be some other ways to deal with frustration, fear, and hurt. There are many people on this board who have children with BPD, and can be very helpful and supportive. Please let us know what is helpful, what does not work, and keep us posted, as we are a caring community.

[El’s Mama]

Hi Easter,

I’ve tried various techniques (maybe ‘reactions’ might be more apt) with my 18 year old son. A therapist well-versed in BPD once told me to remain close but in another room. She told me to be reassuring but allow my son to calm himself. He needs to be the one to cope and deal with his rage. Having said that, I find this extremely difficult to do. It’s painful, irritating and requires a lot of patience. I want to step in and ‘help’ or ‘fix’. I’m the mom!  It’s engrained in me. I need to exert great energy into not reacting. Keeping even my facial expressions neutral (because they might get misconstrued). Perhaps this is all simple. It is not, however, easy.

As for the things said - mean, vile, personal attacks. I find this the toughest. I’ve been told not to take it personally. Wow. Not really sure how to do that, honestly.  I try not to react. Try not to engage (by hurling my own insults back). But it rips me to shreds inside. My husband’s therapist told him to try a technique called dissociation. Try to look down upon the scene as if you are an observer. I guess the idea is to gain some emotional distance. 

Not sure any of this helped you but stay connected. This group is great. We get your struggle and understand your pain.

[jnssbc202]

Hi Easter. Welcome! I am still learning a lot, but I do agree with everything that was suggested thus far. For me, it especially helps to learn as much as I can about BPD. The book Stop Walking on Eggshells, posts and links here, and the YouTube Channel RecoveryMum have helped me the most. RecoveryMum has BPD and talks about family members - she mentions what her mother has done that has helped her the most. It might all be difficult for you to read/watch, so take your time and take care of yourself always. You are not alone in your pain.