Splitting

[tcw]

Hi, so my daughter has severe depression and anxiety and BPD traits. Her social worker at school has been helpful but my daughter sees her as the perfect person-she is in awe of her, perhaps romantically and also wishes she was her mother. I was her primary caregiver because I worked less than my husband. Not much extended family support. I haven't been a perfect mom, but I have been pretty good-I have been there for her. I love her but she hates me. It is so hard to deal with. My son luckily has no symptoms of this. She is 18. She did DBT for awhile. Is having ketamine for the depression. I feel like maybe she is also gay and we would be fine with that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

You are very hurt by how the daughter you love so much blames you for how bad she feels inside and idealizes the social worker. I was wondering if there is any chance you could do some family therapy, possibly with the social worker. With any kind of mental illness, the most important factor in how well the person with the mental illness does, is family support, and I can see you are doing everything you can to help your daughter. You are challenged by the fact that your daughter blames you, and some family therapy might help her to take more responsibility for her feelings. I admire your courage and all you are doing to help your daughter. Keep us posted and let us know how we can help. There are many people on this site who are parents of children who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

[JustYouWait]

There are many people on this site who are parents of children who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am one of those parents, with a DD who is 19.  She splits me and her mother (also called triangulation).  I am the white knight, currently in this triangle, and my ex is the devil.  I say devil, because that's how she is painted by my BPD kid.  My ex has her faults, to be sure, but she's no devil.  She is a loving and caring woman, it's just that the BPD won't let my kid see it. 

BPD is, in large part, a disease of interpretation and translation, and not one of self-reflection.  the disease itself will not allow for more than one person in the triangle to be "good".   It is also a disease of "all or nothing", and "black and white", and there can be no shades of grey.

The triangle of which I speak is ALWAYS drawn with the person with BPD at the top point, and also in the victim role.

One more thing to think about - the symptoms of BPD are often shown in other mental illnesses, such as depression, anxiety, and bi-polarity.

As for the gay part, meh - it is what it is.  Mine announced 5 months ago that she was bi, and I told her that I care  ot for the gender of her romantic partner, I just care if they can pass the "a*****e test", and if they will treat her right.

Bi or gay is the last thing I'm worried about with this kid.

Good luck to you.  We are here, and you are not alone.

-jyw

[tcw]

Thanks all for responding. It has been a long year with my daughter. I wish she would come out and tell us she is gay-we would not care. I am not sure if I should tell the social worker that my BPD daughter is in love with her. I think the social worker over stepped her boundaries and became too involved - out of concern. But she visited her in the hospital, etc and I think it gave my daughter negative attention. Hard to stop the cycle. We are hoping the ketamine helps her severe suicidal ideation and OCD thinking. She plans on attending college but I am not sure if it will work. She is going far away which if it works with be a good thing.It is good to see I am not alone. Sometimes I just want to run away!

[Feeling Better]

Hello tcw,

So sorry to hear of what brings you here, many parents are going through similar heartache, you are not alone.

I haven't been a perfect mom, but I have been pretty good-I have been there for her. I love her but she hates me. It is so hard to deal with. My son luckily has no symptoms of this. She is 18. She did DBT for awhile. Is having ketamine for the depression. I feel like maybe she is also gay and we would be fine with that.

I’m really glad that you recognise that you have been a pretty good mom, and that you are not perfect. None of us are perfect, however, we all love our kids and we have all done our very best. It is so hard, I know, to have to deal with the way our BPD kids treat us, please remember we are here to help and support you.

You say that she did DBT for a while, did she find that it helped her? What was the reason she stopped?