I did it again I contacted her

[Shawnlam]

I went and texted her last night like a  fool.I had to ask her why she never tried stopping me from leaving her again.It was again all my fault and that we were just not compatible and she knew this because I had left her once already .She never admitted her actions were wrong just that I was wrong .She did end the conversation saying  thank you I appreciate it ,talk soon.

This is what happens when you drink 3/4 of a bottle of gin up north alone .Im such and idiot

[heartandwhole]

Hey Shawnlam,

You are not alone. Texting happens. 

The lemonade part is that your feelings and thoughts about this, after the fact, are giving you good information. You may do things differently in the future. It may take a few more times—it doesn't matter—it only matters that you listen carefully to that inner voice that is telling you something important.

It might be saying that you matter, that you are lovable as you are, that you are going to get through this.

heartandwhole

[stixx44]

Don’t be so hard on yourself.  Many of us have done this, more than once!  You’ll eventually get to the point where you realize it’s fruitless.  Be easy on yourself... .you’re only human.

[Shawnlam]

I can’t believe I thought it was going to turn out any different.Somehow I had this hope she was going to be happy to hear from me? Or she would of apologized to me in my sick mind.Like she would have realized all her disrespectful behavior and said babe I’m sorry you didn’t deserve to be treated that way.She didn’t even blink an ounce of guilt ,I was totally in the wrong and it’s my fault we couldn’t work out as a couple.So all in all I made myself look like a fool .I never got the BPD exGF coming back to me and apologizing or promising never to do it again like a lot of you did on here.Makes me feel like I’m not even worthy of a BPD trying to get me back ... .like I’m that worthless that a severely damaged person wants nothing to do with me.And what compounds that feeling of being a fool is I’m the one that left her twice.Why? Because she only cared about herself and showed no real effort in the relationship and definitely no respect at all ... .actually the complete opposite.

[Cromwell]

I can’t believe I thought it was going to turn out any different.Somehow I had this hope she was going to be happy to hear from me? Or she would of apologized to me in my sick mind.Like she would have realized all her disrespectful behavior and said babe I’m sorry you didn’t deserve to be treated that way.She didn’t even blink an ounce of guilt ,I was totally in the wrong and it’s my fault we couldn’t work out as a couple.So all in all I made myself look like a fool .I never got the BPD exGF coming back to me and apologizing or promising never to do it again like a lot of you did on here.Makes me feel like I’m not even worthy of a BPD trying to get me back ... .like I’m that worthless that a severely damaged person wants nothing to do with me.And what compounds that feeling of being a fool is I’m the one that left her twice.Why? Because she only cared about herself and showed no real effort in the relationship and definitely no respect at all ... .actually the complete opposite.

her constant fake apologies to me were not worth anything, she even laughed in my face when I once tried to make her recall one of them. it would have been better if she never even bothered.

she is keeping you in a state of confusion where you are forced to second guess yourself to get you in a mindset that "hey maybe i was the wrong one" despite you being the real victim in all of this. it is a very dangerous trap to fall into if you do.

it is a sick form of emotional power-play abuse that belongs more in a cult-leader's brainwashing handbook.

no one here will think less of you that you got drunk and texted her, i stuck around for a year longer than I should have with just holding on to a "hope" that despite all the harm she had already caused, and any normal minded person would have not put up with it for 5 minutes, that by some miracle she would change. they never do. not without going into specialised therapy and even then that is a long-shot.

dont let this insane person make you feel emasculated, my ex was an expert at doing this to men, they have some sort of repressed rage that has nothing to do with you or anyone else that they transfer it to. it is deep rooted to her core. in short, dont take it personally.

so many people told me to get rid of my ex, but I thought they were wrong, I wanted to stubbornly prove them wrong. even the people on this board which I had started to read at that time I thought I could see the truth better myself. I certainly paid the price for my love-blindness/arrogance.

but i dont beat myself up about it anymore, and neither should you. 

[Shawnlam]

Thank you for those words I appreciate it ,made me feel better.

[spero]

I went and texted her last night like a  fool.I had to ask her why she never tried stopping me from leaving her again.It was again all my fault and that we were just not compatible and she knew this because I had left her once already.She never admitted her actions were wrong just that I was wrong .She did end the conversation saying  thank you I appreciate it ,talk soon.

Hey there Shawn, i just don't beat yourself up over sending her a text message. It's really only human that we would want to text our "loved" ones, or people whom we had loved. It take time to move on, so don't be too hard on yourself. I'm still in that position of wanting to text my own uBPDexGF, sometimes the urge is really strong and its really difficult. But, i know you'll pull through slowly but surely.

So, go easy on yourself, we're here for you and you're not alone in how you're feeling right now.

Spero

[Foursome]

yeah like spero said dont be hard on yourself.

I did the same thing last night.

This is a very tuff thing to live through.  We just have to keep talking to one another and educating ourselves on this illness. 

I know without a doubt that one day soon I will be soo much better.

And so will you my friend.

[GD39]

I can’t believe I thought it was going to turn out any different. Somehow I had this hope she was going to be happy to hear from me.  Be happy it happened that way. This will be the moment you can come back to every time you will have that temptation again of contacting her. Unless they do, do not expect anything different than to be devalued.

Or she would of apologized to me in my sick mind. Like she would have realized all her disrespectful behavior and said babe I’m sorry you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. RULE ONE in the BPD handbook: Asolutely impossible. That would be admitting to themselves they are horrible human beings. That, they can not take

She didn’t even blink an ounce of guilt. I was totally in the wrong and it’s my fault we couldn’t work out as a couple. I never got the BPD exGF coming back to me and apologizing or promising never to do it again like a lot of you did on here. See rule one.

... .So all in all I made myself look like a fool... .Makes me feel like I’m not even worthy of a BPD trying to get me back ... .like I’m that worthless that a severely damaged person wants nothing to do with me. And what compounds that feeling of being a fool. AGAIN... .Be happy it happened that way. This will be the moment you can come back to every time you will have that temptation again of contacting her. Unless they do, do not expect anything different than to be devalued. It is not you alone. Many of those have done the same. Still believing that there might be a chance that they might have "normal" feelings. The hard fact is, they don't. Everything was an illusion of our own making. Don't be so hard on yourself. Truth of the matter is, that you are better now than before. You endured this craziness, a "normal" woman will appreciate your new found tolerance, form of communication, deep love for another, and endurance ten fold. You are a dating dream now.

I’m the one that left her twice. Why? Because she only cared about herself and showed no real effort in the relationship and definitely no respect at all ... .actually the complete opposite. And you got it. Do you believe you could have lived the rest of your life under those conditions?

[Pencil sketch]

I echo all the other comments, don't be so hard on yourself, we all know what it feels like, to just have enough of being strong and finding, I am slowly healing, but in all honesty, the urge is always there, I just can't take anymore humiliation, this whole BPD situation, is a complete paradox, how can someone, who creates.such turmoil, bring us relief.
I am well read on the condition, but cant for the life of Me, understand, how someone could feel that way.
Be kind to yourself, this is no walk in the park, and you are entitled to wander off course.
Take care