Still Struggling ... feel like my depression is getting worse.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had an interesting session with my therapist on Friday.  He told me to expect him to try and come back into my life.  Weird, all you guys have been saying this and I didn’t believe you.

Two weeks ago he emailed me, it wasn’t impolite or polite to be honest.  It was more about him telling me how as a result of what happened between us he has cut all ties with his family, but his life is better he started a new job and has a home etc.  Not an apology, no declaration of love... .nothing.  It's like he has forgotten everything he has done to me.

I wanted to stay true to myself so I responded, very politely, apologising for the part I played in our separation and wishing him well, he responded again reiterating that he’s fine and I never replied.  I haven’t heard since.

I was telling my therapist all about this and he genuinely believes that eventually his world will come crashing down and he’ll come back telling me how wrong he was and I am the only one that can fix him.  I’m scared of this as I’m not sure I am strong enough to reject him.  My therapist then said that sometimes the kindest thing you can to for someone with BPD is to reject their advances, it will be the only way they seek help. 

Why cannot I not get over this man?  He’s completely broken me.

[JustNeedToTalk]

I had an interesting session with my therapist on Friday.  He told me to expect him to try and come back into my life.  Weird, all you guys have been saying this and I didn’t believe you.

Two weeks ago he emailed me, it wasn’t impolite or polite to be honest.  It was more about him telling me how as a result of what happened between us he has cut all ties with his family, but his life is better he started a new job and has a home etc.  Not an apology, no declaration of love... .nothing.  It's like he has forgotten everything he has done to me.

I wanted to stay true to myself so I responded, very politely, apologising for the part I played in our separation and wishing him well, he responded again reiterating that he’s fine and I never replied.  I haven’t heard since.

I was telling my therapist all about this and he genuinely believes that eventually his world will come crashing down and he’ll come back telling me how wrong he was and I am the only one that can fix him.  I’m scared of this as I’m not sure I am strong enough to reject him.  My therapist then said that sometimes the kindest thing you can to for someone with BPD is to reject their advances, it will be the only way they seek help. 

Why cannot I not get over this man?  He’s completely broken me.

[Mutt]

Hi JustNeedToTalk,


Depression is tough  I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I can understand how it would be hard to resist advanced or how painful it would feel if it were now. I think maybe the letter may of made you think that this is going to happen sooner rather than later. Later on down the road you’re going to feel different you’re going to feel stronger.

Have you thought about NC? Do you think communicating with him caused this setback?

[JustNeedToTalk]

Yes I was NC.   We hadn't communicated in 2 months.  I ignored his first few attempts to contact me.  Abusive emails and messages to my friends.

The contact has definitely set me back.  It just hurts so much that in his emails he feels so indifferent towards me like I was nothing.  My therapist said that if he was indifferent then he wouldn't be trying to contact me nor would he still have me blocked from his phone etc... .

This is just all so confusing.

I said to my therapist that I scare myself that I would take him back.  I don't want to feel that weak.

My depression is so bad just now.  I just want to sleep everything away.  I am trying everything.  I exercise everyday, eat healthy, socialise.

I live this FAKE happy life... .

[crushedagain]

I'm sorry you're depressed, I know exactly how it feels. In looking back, I think I had entered a depression before she walked out on me. I knew it was over way before it happened, that her threats to leave would finally culminate in her leaving since she had done it once before. That's what led to my depression, and I couldn't even properly enjoy intimacy anymore. I could perform, but I was just going through the motions.

Then when she left I completely fell apart inside. I had so many sleepless nights filled with panic and terror that I wish I could forget it. I have lost many loved ones in life, but nothing hurt like this. And I still don't know why, perhaps because I had so much hope, and I did love her.

I don't really know what the answer is, but I know I emerged from those horrific times and you surely will too. Good luck.

[SlyQQ]

He will never tell you how wrong he was but will admit that it was your fault.

[Cromwell]

it seems a theme of what causes us nons some of the most distress is that despite being discarded, they dont have the dignity most of the time of fulling allow closure on our part, to move on and be able to draw a line under it all.

I found it interesting what your therapist said, he isnt indifferent if he is texting you. but I wouldnt be quick to ascribe too much value to that. my exs phone was full of people that she would very rarely block or completely discard. it helps her to cultivate this image to herself of how popular and how many 'friends' she has.

but dont expect more than a few scraps thrown here and there to keep you hooked into his life. If there comes a time in the future where you will be needed than rest assured, he will then call upon you.

at least this is what i pieced together of how my ex would operate.

my ex would not be able to function being alone in a room for more than 5 seconds. she constantly needed other people. it is a depth of emptiness a feeling of not existing anymore. it is the psychosis portion of the disorder.

this is why it is important to have as many sources of contact as possible, regardless of their 'quality'. and why it is dangerous for them to get close to one person, without having a safety net revolving below.

from what you describe now I see you as part of that safety net. borderlines certainly are not ones who will put all their eggs into one basket, they spread themselves far and thin.

[Cromwell]

I had an interesting session with my therapist on Friday.  He told me to expect him to try and come back into my life.  Weird, all you guys have been saying this and I didn’t believe you.

Two weeks ago he emailed me, it wasn’t impolite or polite to be honest.  It was more about him telling me how as a result of what happened between us he has cut all ties with his family, but his life is better he started a new job and has a home etc.  Not an apology, no declaration of love... .nothing.  It's like he has forgotten everything he has done to me.

Why cannot I not get over this man?  He’s completely broken me.

exactly what I got. it was "me, me, me look at me, please praise me be proud of me!"

they are looking for that recognition a parent would give.

sounds like the bit where he said hes given up ties with his family is part of the sympathy emotional tie to you that he is now needy. but the critical thing is, he doesnt outwardly state this to you, or openly ask you for support.

[spero]

Hey there JNTT,

Im just chiming in to see how you've been coping with the recent attempts of "re-engagement" on his end

Yes I was NC.   We hadn't communicated in 2 months.  I ignored his first few attempts to contact me.  Abusive emails and messages to my friends.

I'm sorry that you're aren't the only person who is receiving this backlash and that the abuse has even reached your friends. Are your friends understanding your situation enough to know what you are dealing with? Or has those emails sent by your ex thrown them into confusion as to what has been happening recently?

The contact has definitely set me back.  It just hurts so much that in his emails he feels so indifferent towards me like I was nothing.  My therapist said that if he was indifferent then he wouldn't be trying to contact me nor would he still have me blocked from his phone etc... .

I do agree with your therapist about his reaction response to you currently. If he was truly indifferent, he wouldn't be attempting to not only reconnect, slander and even block you. That is rather telling of his emotional state right now and his attempts to project unwanted feelings of discomfort which mainly originate from him unto others... .and of course an attempt to make you look bad, so that he would look "good" amongst your friends.

JNTT, im really sorry for your situation and i just want to say that we're here for you. Your situation is clearly affecting your emotional welling to the point that you are feeling down and depressed. Hang in there, it is enough for you to be where you are right now, taking one step at a time. It must be so hurtful to just desire to want to sleep, trying everything but nothing seems to really bring you to a state of breakthrough at this moment. Please know that you're not alone and that we're here to support you.

Please really take good care and hope to hear from you soon when you're feeling a little better ya?

Spero.

[Pedro]

From my own experience I genuinely believed my ex gf with BPD and I would reconcile. I didn't block her on FB, I didn't block her telephone number or email address. 11 months down the line I am learning still that she is blocked as it knocked me back when I tried to move on and work on myself. Whether it's their lack of sense of awareness or sensitively to their ex partner fiancé husband or wife, sorry to generalise but people with BPD will never know how much they hurt us and will continue to do so unknowingly. It's of little comfort, just focus on yourself and your own positivity and quality of mental health and well being.
Take care.

[Cromwell]

From my own experience I genuinely believed my ex gf with BPD and I would reconcile. I didn't block her on FB, I didn't block her telephone number or email address. 11 months down the line I am learning still that she is blocked as it knocked me back when I tried to move on and work on myself. Whether it's their lack of sense of awareness or sensitively to their ex partner fiancé husband or wife, sorry to generalise but people with BPD will never know how much they hurt us and will continue to do so unknowingly. It's of little comfort, just focus on yourself and your own positivity and quality of mental health and well being.
Take care.

do you genuinely believe this?

theres a gulf of difference between not knowing how much they have intentionally hurt someone and not caring about it.

she knew exactly how much what she did would be hurtful, she was very empathetic (knew my weaknesses better than even i did!), but in her state of mind at the time was completely callous about caring at all about it.

remorse afterwards? guilt? an apology?

not only was none of these ever forthcoming to me, ive never heard of her ever being wrong in the history of all her current or previous encounters with anyone.

to ever come close to any of these normal emotions would have to first lead to a self examination of shame.

and that emotion is so repressed and buried down from childhood that the new ice age would come earlier than a heartfelt apology that would first require tackling that core wound.

im not saying that they are not ill invididuals, (mines was bonkers ) i was probably more for putting up with it, but that aside, im smart enough to know that she knew exactly what she was doing was hurtful and more over enjoyed  doing so.

Cromwell

[JustNeedToTalk]

do you genuinely believe this?

she knew exactly how much what she did would be hurtful, she was very empathetic (knew my weaknesses better than even i did!), but in her state of mind at the time was completely callous about caring at all about it.

This is exactly my situation.  He knew EXACTLY what would destroy me, what could and would end us quickly.  He used every single piece of information, all my childhood memories and abuse and behaved the exact same way my father did, lying, cheating, stealing, sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse.  He changed in 2 weeks, but I saw it coming and I started distancing myself from him, perhaps that's what pushed him over the edge.  And he had the audacity in one of his emails to say that he has done me a favour as at least I am now in therapy and discussing my childhood, he actually referred to it as "silver lining".

The day we broke up, he mirrored me like no one ever has, he cried and pleaded and begged me not to end things for us to try and make it work.  When I was even slightly hesitant within two hours he couldn't give a sh!t.  Friends told me he was euphoric and he messaged me saying "I wanted to get caught as my life can now begin".

I received on text message a week after saying "the things I done to you are unforgivable and inexcusable, I will never forgive myself".  When I didn't respond he blocked me and I have been blocked ever since.

I don't think now with time passing he will even remember the things he said and done.  In his eyes all he did was cheat.

[JustNeedToTalk]

I'm sorry that you're aren't the only person who is receiving this backlash and that the abuse has even reached your friends. Are your friends understanding your situation enough to know what you are dealing with? Or has those emails sent by your ex thrown them into confusion as to what has been happening recently?

I do agree with your therapist about his reaction response to you currently. If he was truly indifferent, he wouldn't be attempting to not only reconnect, slander and even block you. That is rather telling of his emotional state right now and his attempts to project unwanted feelings of discomfort which mainly originate from him unto others... .and of course an attempt to make you look bad, so that he would look "good" amongst your friends.

Hi Spero, my friends are very understanding, they are people that were close to him too but by association with me have cut ties with him.  His advances to contact them have been concern for them, "Hi how's things texts?"  Neither of them have responded.

I think he could be indifferent now, or think he is.  I am still blocked on his phone but not on social media.  His contact with me is always via email.  I don't think I will hear from him again.  I didn't respond to his last email, which basically said "Thanks JNTT.  I don't hate you.  Who knows what will happen with my family. Right now I don't have the time or energy to rebuild it.  Time will tell, but I cannot forget what they said nor am I ready to forgive.  Sure this will change though".  In my opinion it didn't warrant a response.  I was trying in a previous mail to guide him to make peace with his family as I know internally how much it will be destroying him.  But now he has no reason to contact me.  My therapist doesn't think this is the last I will hear from him and I am not sure how I feel about that.  The pain of hearing and not hearing feel equal.

[spero]

Hey there JNTT,

Thanks for chiming in. Sending you a warm hug, I know its tough to be where you are and how your emotions are still in flux with the whole situation.

Hi Spero, my friends are very understanding, they are people that were close to him too but by association with me have cut ties with him.  His advances to contact them have been concern for them, "Hi how's things texts?"  Neither of them have responded.

This is a very interesting point you've brought up which, i've noticed when interacting with my uBPDexGF. My friends were considered an "extension" of me. So the association your ex-partner has of your friends is an extension of you. Which means, connecting to them would be one layer before he is able to reach you. He mostly like doesn't see them as his own friends, but rather, friends of JNTT. Therefore reaching them would eventually reach JNTT, as a frame of reference.

I think he could be indifferent now, or think he is.  I am still blocked on his phone but not on social media.  His contact with me is always via email.  I don't think I will hear from him again.  

I say this with much a sigh... This is "consistent" behaviour for people are suffering the ills of BPD. I highly doubt that if he was indifferent and detached, he would be "reacting" in anyway actually. The fact that he is still "engaging" you in some channel shows that it hasn't reached that state of indifference, he may very well still feel confused and need "attention" from you, even with limited communication via email. It is still a form of "engagement"

I didn't respond to his last email, which basically said "Thanks JNTT.  I don't hate you.  Who knows what will happen with my family. Right now I don't have the time or energy to rebuild it.  Time will tell, but I cannot forget what they said nor am I ready to forgive.  Sure this will change though".  In my opinion it didn't warrant a response.  I was trying in a previous mail to guide him to make peace with his family as I know internally how much it will be destroying him.  But now he has no reason to contact me.  

Dear JNTT, i suppose at this point, you might need to take what he says with a pinch of salt, or maybe even an ounce. The thing is, and from how things are playing out at the moment, while your ex-partner may not state the obvious, but, he is probably still confused about how he feels. I am just afraid that while he has responded with the above said message, it might not be long and it should not be a surprise if he "changes" his mind again and comes out with a totally different response based on how he feels at another "moment".

I've often told this to members in the community, sometimes trying to help or care for someone with BPD, isn't just pouring water into a bucket filled with a gaping hole. It can seem like attempting to pour water into a hole made of sand and hoping that the water fill up the hole.

My therapist doesn't think this is the last I will hear from him and I am not sure how I feel about that.  The pain of hearing and not hearing feel equal.

JNTT, i'm sorry that hearing from him and not hearing from him both brings you pain. While the pain you feel right now might seem equal, if you go NC, i do strongly believe that your pain while unbearable and overwhelming at this time, would perhaps eventually subside given alot of time, to process, grief and care for yourself. However, in the case of hearing from him over and over again... that may unfortunately reopen raw wounds or wounds which are in the process of healing and very much great increase the time required for long term recovery.

But, JNTT do take it easy on yourself. Be patient with yourself and don't feel guilty for feeling this way, whatever actions you may take from now, don't beat yourself up even if you possibly re-engage. The heart usually takes much longer to catch up than the mind. But if you do trip and lose your footing, i hope that is would be the place where you would gain a firm foothold to stand and weather these difficult circumstances.

Takecare and take heart,
Spero

[Cromwell]

This is exactly my situation.  He knew EXACTLY what would destroy me, what could and would end us quickly.  He used every single piece of information, all my childhood memories and abuse and behaved the exact same way my father did, lying, cheating, stealing, sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse.  He changed in 2 weeks, but I saw it coming and I started distancing myself from him, perhaps that's what pushed him over the edge.  And he had the audacity in one of his emails to say that he has done me a favour as at least I am now in therapy and discussing my childhood, he actually referred to it as "silver lining".

The day we broke up, he mirrored me like no one ever has, he cried and pleaded and begged me not to end things for us to try and make it work.  When I was even slightly hesitant within two hours he couldn't give a sh!t.  Friends told me he was euphoric and he messaged me saying "I wanted to get caught as my life can now begin".

I received on text message a week after saying "the things I done to you are unforgivable and inexcusable, I will never forgive myself".  When I didn't respond he blocked me and I have been blocked ever since.

I don't think now with time passing he will even remember the things he said and done.  In his eyes all he did was cheat.

they thrive off attention, drama, chaos and seeing other people hurt as a result of their actions. they are convincing liars and actors, able to initiate fake tears at a whim. they are undercooked, seem fine on the outside but raw in the middle. they eventually orchestrate their own downfall and meet ther match, its a matter of when not if.

their apologies are never heartfelt but simply a way to keep their quarry locked in their talons.

you have exposed him for what he truly is, as i did to mine and they will never be able to look us in the face again. these were simply damaged goods that have now been discarded as excess weight into the sea where they can drift as flotsam, as you go in with your journey and future in life.

and dont feel any guilt for it, these people are incorrigible, unless they ever take it upon themselves to seek therapy. that would involve admitting they have done wrong, a genuine self reflection, not just another meaningless "sorry" which is more about mocking their victim even further than anything close to resembling true remorse.

Well done getting rid of the garbage.

[Mutt]

Hi Cromwell,

That’s an over generalization that all pwBPD act one way they’re all individuals with different personalities.

However, in the case of hearing from him over and over again... that may unfortunately reopen raw wounds or wounds which are in the process of healing and very much great increase the time required for long term recovery.

I agree with spero it’s time to show yourself self compassion, self protect to give yourself time to heal if you engage it’s only going to prolong things. Short term pain for long term gain.

[icky]

I've often told this to members in the community, sometimes trying to help or care for someone with BPD, isn't just pouring water into a bucket filled with a gaping hole. It can seem like attempting to pour water into a hole made of sand and hoping that the water fill up the hole.

This is so true. And so hard to understand.

In this metaphor, the bucket is what we normally think of as "a person". And yes, people can be wounded (there can be holes in the bucket).

To have met someone where all the stuff we associate with being a "person" (identity, emotional core, etc) is not there is so difficult to grasp.

Especially, because intuitively we would think that a person missing all of that would be easy to spot. But the opposite is true - pwBPD can seem really amazing and "special".

So the discovery "there is no bucket" is so surprising, upsetting, shocking.