About to enter family court trial with BPD spouse, contested child custody case

[Panda39]

Yes I have been seeing a counselor to work though and try to process all of this.  My goal is to work through the anger and be there for our children.

Yes this is great!  Keep heading that direction. 

It is more difficult for me at the present because we are all still in the same home.

We have tried to get her removed from the home more than once but the judge was not wanting to put mom out of the home , again the courts here favor the mothers in divorce.  Since I have not done anything to justify them removing me from the home the judge decided to order me and wife to stay in the home until the trial.

I'm on these boards because my SO has an uBPDxw, but I came from my own co-dependent marriage to an alcoholic.  Because neither of us could afford the house payment and rent we too had to live with each other during and after the divorce.  It is truly an exercise in patience.  Feeling your pain at having to do this.    It is not easy and it feels like you just get re-injured over and over which makes letting the anger go really hard.  Try and focus on the kids and not your ex.

Panda39

[Ollie2018]

Thanks!

[livednlearned]

we have this report and it finds that the court psychologist recommends that the father has managing custody awarded and visitation for my wife under the requirements she submit a full criminal background check to the court appointed PC for any individuals she would become romantically involved with or possibly expose our children to during her times of possession.

This is an example of something that you could tighten up with a consequence for non-compliance. Or, perhaps phrase it as a consequence for compliance. Meaning, if she submits a background check for the men she introduces to the kids, then she gets x. If she doesn't, then y.

For some BPD sufferers, there is a tremendous struggle with impulsivity, to a degree that is hard for us to imagine. Fulfilling desperate needs is such a powerful impulse that she will risk her marriage, her custodial relationship with her kids, and other things that are probably important to her in order to satiate those compulsions and needs.

So knowing that, and knowing that she will probably end up in a situation where the kids could be exposed, what would be a reasonable consequence for non-compliance?

Be as specific and reasonable as you can. If you were a therapist working with someone who cannot seem to get out of her their own way, repeatedly making bad choices that destroy the life she has worked so hard to create, what classes or treatments or parameters might you suggest? What changes in custody would you recommend while she works through her issues?

Courts will give her multiple bites of the apple. But each time she gets a bite, it's better that you be the one offering solutions, not the judge, who will be too vague for what you need, most likely.

[Ollie2018]

Understood.

[Ollie2018]

I assume " one and done "  is not going to be acceptable for the courts as my recommendation  when she messes up... .?

Haha!

[livednlearned]

I assume " one and done "  is not going to be acceptable for the courts as my recommendation  when she messes up... .?

 

More like, "If background check protocols are not followed, BPDx will be instructed to do parenting classes for 8 weeks with x organization, y organization, or z organization, her choice to choose which one, and visitation will be temporarily set to daytime visits only until classes are completed and a signed formed from the instructors that she attended all classes and completed all assignments."

When the solution is phrased that way, the girls are safe and mom is responsible for earning back the privilege of parenting her girls overnight. She is in control. She is responsible. She is accountable.

This is boundary setting at the family court level.

If she is highly litigious, it won't necessarily save you money in the short term (she can always fire up her lawyer), but you get a little peace of mind knowing that if x happens (which it usually does) court knows that you two will do y and z.

[ForeverDad]

When my now-ex first rushed to family court I had just gotten temp possession of the family home while her Threat of DV case was pending over in another court.  Still, she walked out with temp custody and temp majority time since the family court magistrate only asked our work schedules and yes I was the main income earner.

That was 2005.  From there I got improvements every 2 to 3 years.  By the end (last day) of 2013 I had both custody and majority time.  However the majority time was only during the school year.  While the court did rule that I was being disparaged, it was the fact that teachers reported her creating incidents, obstructing a field trip for our son and she had far more tardies than I did that got me that school-year majority time.

Now, 4 years later, I was mentally preparing myself for a return to court.  Again, it was in some way connected to school.  School was sponsoring AAA driver's education classes this month in the school, immediately after the end of the school term.  She flamed out and ranted when I informed her about upcoming class.  Some of the classes would have been on her time and she put pressure on the kid too.  But she blinked has not obstructed.  Our son got hit hard emotionally but court won't do anything since now I have nothing to take to court.  Two years until son is an adult, looks like we may manage to stay out of court after all.

While over time we do usually manage to improve the court orders, as happened in my case as well, it is a no-brainer in our high conflict cases to approach court seeking the best and most practical orders possible, starting with the interim temp order.  I've never forgotten my lawyer leaning over at my second temp order hearing whispering, ":)on't worry.  Stay quiet.  We'll fix this later."  While he was right, we only had a half hour at that hearing, I got stuck with a typical (lousy) temp order since the magistrate we had during the entire 23.5 months of the divorce process never improved the terms of the temp order.  Every time a professional recommended a change (court's social worker: move me up to 50% time; custody evaluator: immediately remove mother from having temp custody) the court just moved on to the next step.

For us a temp order lasts at least a year, often two years, sometimes even longer.  While temp order hearings are generally brief, maybe only a half hour, you need to be prepared with sufficient documents to quickly explain what and why your temp order needs special attention so the children's needs and your parenting are given attention from the very start.

[Ollie2018]

Good grief... .I am sorry to hear about your long up hill battle.

I have been shocked in the, short compared to your experience, 12 months of family court how the judges seem to separate the ill effects of one parents actions and personal bad choices from their presumed ability to be of value to the children.

If one is making a mess of themselves and their relationships (marriage) how can that individual be kept in direct contact with their child.

In our county the courts have a random rotation of 14 judges to handle the family law matters.

You normally never get the same judge or rarely back to back for motions and hearings... .makes it difficult when you have a complicated situation with the mom exhibiting a history of breaking orders and playing games to delay the process and the new judge has not read any of the case brief and jumps in and wants to hurry the case along because they have another matter waiting.

Very very very frustrated in how inefficient our court system is here.  It allows attorneys to basically shop for a sympathetic judge because if the rulings do not end like they want then they go back again for reconsideration motions and get another judge and he or she may see the same motion differently and changes the recent prior outcome.

This is ridiculous!  Speaking about my local court system.  I am sure there may be a majority of divorces caused by the man making poor choices but it seems clear to me that at least locally for our area the wife is afforded almost endless chances and benefits of the doubt.  It is already believed the man is the guilty of bad actions and affairs before the first words are spoken in the court room.  That is very frustrating because in my case I have never cheated or dishonored my marital vows but more than one occasion I have sat there and been amazed how the judges listens to the arguments and then turns around and does nothing to hammer the mom for breaking court orders.  If I was doing a fraction of what my wife has done over the last 12months I would sitting in jail for contempt of court charges... .

[ForeverDad]

I am sure there may be a majority of divorces caused by the man making poor choices but it seems clear to me that at least locally for our area the wife is afforded almost endless chances and benefits of the doubt.  It is already believed the man is the guilty of bad actions and affairs before the first words are spoken in the court room... . If I was doing a fraction of what my wife has done over the last 12 months I would sitting in jail for contempt of court charges... .

I have thought the same myself many times.  One example... .My ex had been arrested for Threat of DV.  She had to admit it, the recording was played in municipal court, but the judge applied case law where it wasn't considered 'imminent' if there were no weapons involved and so judge declared her Not Guilty.  I remarked to the ADA that if I had done that I doubted I could have gotten the same consideration.  She filed and had the case expunged a few years later.

Knowing the default — but unwritten — preference women and mothers often get we have to always be careful about our own actions.  One slip up, one yell back at the ex and we're instantly cast as the Bad gender yet again.  There are bad dads as well as bad moms, problem parents are not a gender-based trait.  The difficulty is that, as an example, problem dads have been known to seek more time just to reduce or avoid child support.  So when we seek more time we need to be careful to not give the ex any ammunition to claim we're doing it to avoid or reduce child support obligations.

You normally never get the same judge or rarely back to back for motions and hearings... .makes it difficult when you have a complicated situation with the mom exhibiting a history of breaking orders and playing games to delay the process and the new judge has not read any of the case brief and jumps in and wants to hurry the case along because they have another matter waiting.

Precisely that happened to me.  One weekend my cell phone died.  Actually son and I were on my time and we went with a daycare outing to a local river where we rafted own the gentle river.  Oops, I got a few drops of water in my plastic-wrapped cell phone and it was kaput.  Once I realized that I changed my greeting for VM to "This number isn't working, please call the home phone."  I thought I had all the bases covered.  However, she never called.  Crickets until late Sunday evening when I accessed my VM and heard ex ranting "Why won't you let me talk to my son!  I demand... ."  She had never once called my home phone nor left a message there.  Son was already asleep so I had him call her Monday morning and they talked.  Well, we had a previously scheduled post-divorce case midweek.  You guessed it, the first words out of her mouth were "I can't call my son, he won't answer!  Blah, blah... ."  :)id the magistrate ask me my side of what happened over the weekend?  Not once, however the cases were stacked up and she was rushing, so when she asked my phone number I did manage to squeeze in "I have a NEW phone I just bought and the number is the same... ."  I was stuck with a strict daily phone schedule that ex used until it was reset back to "reasonable" over 4 years later.

[Ollie2018]

We begin the jury selection process next Monday morning at 8:00 AM.

Trial to begin immediately after jury is seated for this matter.

My job exposes me to legal court actions almost daily so I have been involved with judge and jury trials many times before just never on a family law matter and not a case so personal to me as my marriage and family.

My point is I have seen and experienced the good the bad and the ugly in courtrooms before this and more times than not two parties enter with pie in the sky expectations and somebody is completely missing the boat and just as soon walks into a buzzsaw and gets destroyed.  When one party fails to identify their risk profile for their case in a fair manner it leaves them exposed to a blindsided slap up side the head whether from judge or jury or both.

I know what evidence we have and I know what evidence wife has as we were scheduled for trial back in May and exchanged all discovery before now.  When a jury can see and hear my wife gloating of her affairs, up protected sex, lies and plans for continuing double life if I were to ever question her because she managed the home bills so she would continue to hide money and I would never catch her.

It is one thing to have written messages, audio messages but full high definition color video and audio of wife doing what she did it is very condemning .

Not showing sexual acts or anything like that in court, not necessary.

Additionally when the court ordered a joint child custody determination study by a third party psychologist and her report ends up favoring me to have full control of the children and for wife to have to submit to providing a full criminal back ground check to the court for any potential romantic interest or risk loosing contact with our kids... .makes you wonder how all this will shake out in court.

I will keep you guys posted but less than a week now and we enter the court room.

Again I am surprised wife’s attorney really wants to go to the mat in front of a jury with her client who has been acting a fool during the last 12 months even having another man come stay with her and our daughters in same hotel room, adjoining rooms for New Year’s Eve trip.

And to then send numerous text messages back and forth with man which she knew we were going to get a hold of as evidence.

WTH is she thinking and what a complete self destructive path she has chosen.

[livednlearned]

When someone with a PD gets into family law court, they can abuse the system (adversarial by nature). Both genders do this. There are biases both ways, but it does seem like women exploit many of the systems designed to protect them, and use them to abuse the non-BPD parent.

There is research to back up the bias that more mothers get primary custody, apparently because more mothers ask for it. In states where mothers and fathers ask for it equally, the rulings favor both equally. That's why we encourage fathers here to ask for primary custody, even when their Ls tell them they may not get it. It does seem like Ls can perpetuate the bias, maybe inadvertently.

I witnessed my ex (male) get five and six bites of the apple, to the point where two bailiffs were called to the court during our hearings and threats of jail, and still the consequences were soft as pudding. I always feel a little   about the female bias comments, but maybe that's because they never seemed to materialize for me, even tho my judge is known for being fair.

I don't know how things compare to other court rooms, but I suspect family law judges do see a lot of crazy people in their court rooms. They may not know what flavor of crazy, but they know crazy. Two weeks before my ex had a psychotic episode, a man shot and killed his ex wife in front of his kids school during pick up. He had lost custody the day before.

Two weeks after that another man lost custody and started firing his gun into a crowded downtown courtyard.

It's so common that these things barely get a headline anymore, and I live in a town with low crime.

I hated the lenience as much as anyone, and am not defending the bias, only to offer a perspective about why judges can appear so lenient.

The judges preside over an adversarial system, and have to settle disputes between two aggrieved and often bitter and sometimes desperate adversaries. Many of them are trying to avoid a violent backlash to what one or both parties will perceive as unfair.

I sometimes felt it was my job to prove I was the loser they assumed I was.

That's why it felt so important to demonstrate that I was there to focus on solutions, not keep problems aflame.

[Ollie2018]

Thanks for the words.

I enter court with both eyes wide open and understand it is like rolling dice.  Wife and I enter with our evidence and intentioned ammunition to do battle.  I understand and believe I am realistic in my expectations.  I will not get everything I want and wife will most likely get at minimum half of everything plus 50/50 child conservatorship.

My main focus is to try and secure the managing position for the children’s conservatorship and some sort of restriction on who my wife can expose our children’s lives to like what the court psychologist recommends.

I do not care about the money and material stuff.

I plan to buy my wife out of our home and she cannot stop that from happening, even her attorney concedes to that outcome as good for her client.

If they gave all the money to wife in trial it still would not save her from her destruction.  She would blow the money and the. Have nothing long term.  You give a person a new car and then they fail to take care of it properly then even the new car is going to break down.

My wife has been living above my safety net protection for entire marriage of 13years.  She never had to worry about having money to do and plan anything she thought necessary.  I have been a huge caretaker for her and wanted nothing more than to pamper her because I believed that is what a good husband should do.

She took all of this and just squandered it and ruined it by her own selfish actions.  She shall not flourish again like she did for the last 13years.  She would never admit it but she will not find another hard working idiot like me to boost her up through thick or thin and be willing to take on board her now stacks of baggage.

I will never give up on my children and will always work to provide for them.  I never see my wife getting full custody in our situation so she will not be able to prevent them from having the quality of life I can afford them.  I will never allow her to make them suffer because of her poor choices.

We may have to go to court every time we turn around to bring her back into compliance with court orders.  Again I know this is a marathon and not a sprint.

She has told me she believes it will come down to the judge having the kids (10 & 8yeRs old mind you) into court room and ask them who that want to live with.  Well that is not going to happen now because neither one of our kids is 12 years or older so they cannot be involved in court like that, not allowed by law for judge to even take them in and speak with them.

Do not try to bother my wife with what the law says she believes what she wants and forget the rest of us. 

I feel like I am heading into court with a teenager  who does not care what the law says because she does not care and believes she is going to do what she wants.

Who knows maybe the jury gives her everything... .I seriously doubt it. 
 

[Skip]

Divorce is difficult business. I know you get the points being made. We are all looking out for you.

So, shifting gears, what are you asking for at trial?

[Ollie2018]

I am asking for child custody to be granted in exact accord as detailed within the report recommendation from the court appointed third party psychologist (8month detailed study and review of myself, wife, and both daughters).  This report recommends I am appointed managing conservator of both children and I make all important decisions for our kids.  I determine where the primary residence is with me for the children.  I am also recommended to be appointed the final decision maker in the event my wife disagrees with a decision for our children, I am recommended to be assigned the position of the tie breaking decision.  Furthermore the court appointed psychologist strongly recommends the wife is restricted in her access to our children and a PC be assigned to review the criminal back ground checks she will have to submit before she can become romantically involved with any adult.  If she refuses to comply the report recommends her access to children be affected immediately.

I am asking for a even split of the community property.

I am stating my intention to buy my wife out of our home and maintain it as my residence post divorce.  Also will remain primary residence for children if so appointed by court.

I am asking for whatever personal property my wife brought into the marriage she takes with her and likewise my personal property goes with me.

That is a nut shell of my focus going into court.

Almost forgot I am asking for the court to enforce the continued child counseling and my wife split the costs for this until they no longer need counseling or have reached the age of consent.

I will be responsible for all medical insurance for the children.

We each can designate one extracurricular activity for the kids and it’s cost will be shared by both parents.  If other extracurricular activities are wanted then the parent who wants them pays for them themself.

I want the court to enforce keeping our daughters in the same school district so they can remain with their friends and current school programs.

I am willing to offer a joint child possession for wife if she is following the court psychologist recommendations.  Her choice to comply and see the kids in a beneficial relationship or if she goes off the deep end again then she is restricted from access.

[Ollie2018]

In the short time I have been on this forum I have received so much advice and shared stories plus been able to scan through the hundreds of others experiences it has provided me with better prospective.

I have refined what I want to accomplish in court this next week.  I no longer see punishment in the cards for my efforts at trial.  Wife will not be punished by me.  Wife will suffer or continue to suffer at the receiving end of her poor choices and terrible actions on her own.

Eventually our circle of friends and family will see what really happened in our marriage and they do not need me to spell it out for them.  If they do not eventually see it then they really do not need to continue to be counted in my circle of friends or family.

My children are not going to be abandoned by me regardless what my wife does or does not do for them.  She cannot control me and my actions just as I cannot control her or her actions.  I want to try and keep my daughters close to me and provide them with one parent who loves them without manipulation.  I pray they both make it through their exposure of a mom who is BPD without developing the same damaging personality dysfunction in their own lives.

[BeagleGirl]

I no longer see punishment in the cards for my efforts at trial.  Wife will not be punished by me.  Wife will suffer or continue to suffer at the receiving end of her poor choices and terrible actions on her own.

Ollie,
I think this is a big step towards freedom for you.  I heard a saying similar to the idea of "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".  It was around the idea that enforcing a punishment on someone makes you a warden in a jail.  You and the person you want punished may be on opposite sides of the bars, but both of you are tied to the same prison.

I don't think that a desire for justice is a bad thing, but when you put yourself in the role of making sure that justice is served, you surrender time and energy to that task.  Letting go of the "need" to see justice served frees up that time and energy and it can often be put to a more constructive use.   I hope you are able to experience that freedom.
BG

[livednlearned]

I pray they both make it through their exposure of a mom who is BPD without developing the same damaging personality dysfunction in their own lives.

On that note, I can't say enough about Bill Eddy's book Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce

The complicated family systems dynamics when one parent has BPD goes deep.

My son had what others have referred to as a sensitive genotype, and like you, I worried about him developing some kind of personality or relationship dysfunction.

The winning combination for us was my son in therapy, me in therapy, plus lots of reading -- Bill Eddy's book, Power of Validation, I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms, and BPD in Adolescence were priceless.

Looking back, I do wish I did some kind of family counseling that addressed both my son and me. Being in a room with a skilled professional is like witnessing a miracle. My son's reality testing was compromised by alienation, and I gave him good skills for self-validation. But it was much harder to detect what parts of his reality were vetted, and what parts he still believed. Some of this stuff came out in family counseling, and was very painful to hear.

My son's T likes to say that it isn't so much unmet needs that hurt so deeply, it's unmourned needs. Our kids have a lot of both. I regret the rush (unacknowledged) to see my son recover, figuring that if he was in a good mood, then things didn't hurt him as deeply as I worried.

Sometimes, it's when our kids appear to be doing ok that should worry us the most

They go through a lot, so the recovery should, to some extent, reflect that. If we see it, we can address it.

You're a good dad and what you do will go a long way  

I'm glad you found the forums.

This place, these friends here, can change lives, for us and for our kids. 

[Skip]

How did the trial go?

[Ollie2018]

Well I did not get to court on Monday due to ANOTHER delay and last minute court drama.

We have now rescheduled this trial for the THIRD time.

End of July now.

I have pretty much hunkered down and am trying to coexist with my worst nightmare under the same roof. 

Although God works in mysterious ways because the delay has allowed wife to really open some Pandora’s boxes with people from my past which she thought would side with her have now come forward and are supporting me.  My ex wife whom I have not spoken with in almost 20years was sought out by my current wife and she wanted to get her to dish dirt on me or something.  Well to my surprise my ex wife reached out to me and warned me there was something reLly wrong with this woman (my wife)who had called her out of the clear blue.  My ex wife actually now is going to testify in my trial for me as a character witness.

I had to laugh because I had not ever planned to look her up and involve her but my wife did so not it is a sleeping dog which once woke up bites.

I do not know anyone who has their ex wife from out of state actually on the opposite side of country wanting to help in a trial of their ex spouse because they saw the red flags of a crazy person who married their ex spouse.  My current wife about fell out of her chair when she got the long email from my ex telling herwhat kind of person and husband I was to her.

I married young and we parted as friends but many years ago... .my BPD wife is becoming desperate to get me to do something before trial that she can use against me.

Kind of scary!

[Ollie2018]

Unless it is a life or death matter I do not speak to or acknowledge her while we are in the same room.  I actually avoid her at all times if possible.  Really bad because I end up holding up in my bedroom most of the time because she sits out in the main den.

[Panda39]

Ollie,

I'm sorry about delay number three that really sucks, especially because your stuck in the same house, but I have to say the story about your ex-wife is priceless    Your ex sounds like a lovely and smart woman!

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

Generally lawyers and courts allow continuances, evidently in deference to the professional respect they show each other.  Sometimes there's even a good reason for them.  But if your ex or her attorney tries it again, you attorney should already have instructions to object to the judge... .if the judge doesn't deny the motion first.  By now your judge ought to be getting peeved about another delay.

I recall in one of my later cases my ex's attorney made yet another motion to continue.  He stated my ex had abdominal pains and needed to see a specialist.  Judge denied immediately, so quickly my lawyer didn't have a chance to object.  Besides, my lawyer said the parents didn't need to appear, it was about procedural matters.  Clearly it was a delay tactic.  They ended up having a judge & lawyers telephone conference.

[Ollie2018]

Thanks, All

I have attended TWO full day court hearings this week to again argue why we need to move this case forward.

Wife is fighting all the way... .

She was put on stand under oath to answer in front of judge why she has refused to turn over critical data which was part of our interrogatory discovery prior to last Christmas 2017 and to date she has still refused three court orders to do so.

My attorney cut her to pieces on the stand and wife in fact started arguing with the judge because she was so freaked out.

Judge called all attorneys behind closed doors THREE TIMES during the two days to discuss case and what the hell.  Remember in this county we have 14 revolving judges so you rarely ever get the same judge to hear the case .  This was the first time this particular judge has heard our case.  The judge a woman took time to lecture my wife on record and basically the entire two days of court time I was not asked a single question.  My crazy wife was the focus of all the argument.  She really made a bad lasting impression of herself to this judge.

I learned part of the time behind doors her now THREE ATTORNEYs asked the judge if they could fire their client and get off the case.  Well being less than 30days from trial the judge said NO.  Can you believe this my wife has now alienated her own legal team and is actively seeking to hire a brand new attorney(s).

Well this judge after lecturing my wife ordered us both back to mediation for a SECOND TIME before trial.  Made a point to force my wife to come up with her own money to pay for her half of the mediation fees, to date I have been paying for everything for her and myself and the entire house hold.

Judge said if we fail to mediate this time and still progress to court she will order all of our assets taken to pay for the court fees.

Really is sad for the kids but I will always work to make sure my kids are taken care of.  My wife is burning down the entire home here.  How does one mediate with a crazy nut job.

I have already proposed several options to give her a way to be supported and move on and she did not even respond during last mediation.

Does this judge believe she is going to reach my wife by threatening to seize money?

Good grief.

[livednlearned]

Good grief is right.

Makes you think justice is blind has a whole other meaning. 

The rotating judges thing is a total boondoggle.

Your case is on the higher end of high conflict. Mine was too. I suspect something more than BPD was fueling the jetpack of chronic litigation. To someone who doesn't understand PDs, it looks dumbfounding. Meanwhile, we pay for their learning curve

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

All I can say is that my case looked like it would never end, and then it ran its course. It took me 8 years to recover financially after six figures in legal fees. I looked at it like a tax I had to pay for a bad investment.

How are you going to handle the mediation? I wouldn't blame you if you surrendered at this point and prepared for the seizing of assets

[Ollie2018]

You know I have.  Started getting ready to convert final 401k account.   At this point for this to settle prior to trial I would have to pay her support to max rate, pay her a cash advance to secure a new home, give her everything she wants from our home, control ing conservatorship of the kids, joint custody of the pets (I do not believe the courts even mess with managing pets but she only wants them when she has the kids and not have to care for them otherwise).

Oh and basically I agree to remove all reference to why the divorce happened, forget her numerous affairs, deceit, taking money from family for her affairs, a fair vacations, cruel treatment... .

So that all seems fair in her twisted world.

This week has been rather taxing on my nerves and restraint.  Still in the same home and therefore really hanging by finger tips.

It amazes me that the courts know this is a very very high conflict divorce with some mental issues involved and yet because they cannot just kick me out of the home because I have not done anything to justify that action they force me to endure her and they refuse to show her out the door.  She has continued her activities business as usual this entire time.  She is now courting a new boy friend via social media but I am to keep a cool head and not loose it even one time.

It is as if they want me to mess up and be escorted out of the home via police in hand cuffs.

Extremely frustrated.

[Ollie2018]

True nightmare!

I have gotten so use to biting my lip and not responding not sure I have a lip any longer.  Two days of court with her three attorneys and my one attorney and I was not asked one question or to say a word.

Unbelieveable and at the end I get to go back to mediation with a nut who is not capable of finding or accepting any middle ground.  The judges say think of the kids.  Yes I have and do every day but when you other half could care less and sees kids as her only effective leverage point to get what she wants it makes one see two options, completely give in to crazy and see what happens, or fight to scorched earth destroy the evil or put it so far in the hole and then hope to build back up .

I will always fight for my kids but I have proposed so many options to resolve this and all have been ignored.  Now it seems she wants to run out the money before we get to trial.

So it is all in or bail... .I have never bailed on anything in my 50 years so not starting now.

[GaGrl]

But she is now having to pay her own costs, minimal as it might be? Hmmm... .perhaps some progress from this?

[ForeverDad]

The judge saying the court costs must be paid is probably not that big a threat.  In my area, and presumably most areas, the biggest costs are the lawyer bills, the court fees are virtually pocket change in comparison.  Understand that unless you've been ordered to pay her legal bills, then her lawyers will get paid from her portion of the marital equity.  That's how my divorce from an 18 year marriage was handled.

Started getting ready to convert final 401k account.   At this point for this to settle prior to trial I would have to pay her support to max rate, pay her a cash advance to secure a new home, give her everything she wants from our home, controlling conservatorship of the kids, joint custody of the pets (I do not believe the courts even mess with managing pets but she only wants them when she has the kids and not have to care for them otherwise).

Oh and basically I agree to remove all reference to why the divorce happened, forget her numerous affairs, deceit, taking money from family for her affairs, a fair vacations, cruel treatment... .

When getting a distribution from retirement accounts, be sure to withhold enough money to cover the taxes and penalties.  Besides, it will let you appear less rich if you don't take it all out in a large sum.  Remember, next April you will regret not withholding enough.

Keep a level head.  Mediation does not have to succeed if it means acquiescing or agreeing to her entitled terms.  Odds are nothing (reasonable) will be enough for her to settle in mediation.  However, courts and lawyers know most cases do eventually settle, yes, even our type of intractable cases.  However, it is usually at the last minute, when the ex finally realizes there is no other alternative.  For example, my divorce lasted nearly to years and it was only when I arrived at court on Trial Day (21.5 months into the case) that she caved.  By that time I was so fed up I stated, "I become Residential Parent or else we start the trial."  She blinked.  Everything else in the settlement was split relatively equally, but I needed the edge as the parent caring for school issues.

Repeat, do not give up more than you should in mediation.  I cannot emphasize this enough:  Giving up too much just to say mediation worked is sabotaging yourself.  If it fails, it fails, proceed to next step.  Court is sure to know it didn't fail because of you.

She wants her misbehaviors wiped clean, tough.  She wants the moon, tough.  You are the financially responsible parent, if you Gift Away too much then you'll crash and burn financially and then how can you help yourself, the kids and, to a limited extent, her.  Court already knows she is the problem parent, if mediation fails, as is very likely, everyone will know it's her, not you.  Then you can state your case in court, knowing that court will almost certainly be "less unfair" than her.  Be the one with reasonable solutions.  (Reasonable does not mean sacrificing yourself or your resources!)  After all, if it is a lousy decision with terms full of loopholes, your lawyer can tell them you'll be back all too soon... .

[livednlearned]

What happens to the house if the court seizes assets?

Do you and the kids have to find someplace to live?

If there is a ruling written up, make sure it's your lawyer who writes it.

And if the house is to be sold, have very specific language with no loopholes (plus consequences for non-compliance).

She is clearly going to fight to the bitter end.

For many of us, the bitter end was so far past bitter it left us numb. I felt like a husk at the end of my ordeal. Even when things went well for me in court, it was like finding a good parking spot and that's about it. I knew I would be back there the next month, and the next, and the one after that.

What I did learn was to put language in the orders that were specific about non-compliance so I didn't have to wait for the judge to make up his mind how many bites of the apple my ex would get.

"It says here if the parties don't do xyz, then LnL will abc. So that's what we're going to do. Boom, gavel."

Took me close to a hundred grand to learn that 

[Ollie2018]

Thanks for Sharing the insight of what is ahead of me.

I have been ordered to pay all of the costs for this divorce to date. Hers and mine I clouding all lawyers fees and retainers... .all in we are North of couple hundred grand.  Seems like we have been in hearing after hearing and she has three attorneys and I have one.

This has burned through all the family resources so the split still end up being furniture and some pennies.

I have never cared about the money or possessions I want the protection of our children.

I have a good career and will quickly regenerate resources.  She shall not and she will burn through whatever she is awarded. 

I guess in the end she needs to hit absolute rock bottom and maybe that will keep her wings clipped a while for us all to cool off.  Without money attorneys are not likely to pick up the tools and go back to court for you.  As this is a marathon and not a sprint I have already mentally prepared for the fact there will be more legal battles in our future.  That is for sure.

So I also want controlling conservatorship of our children because I am the only parent which is capable of being the constant good decision maker for them moving forward.  Wife is going to be like a crazy spinning ping pong ball moving forward.  If she found two criminals while she was married to fool around with what is she going to do once the marriage is over... .not sure how one sinks lower than felons with violent criminal records.  How much worse could she be to expose our two young daughters to those creeps and believe it was a good thing as they were her soul mates.

I pray the jury sees her for how she is and not how she imagines herself to be.  She still clings to the belief she is super mom.