Feeling anxious

[Furbaby Mom]

Hey everyone,
Background: my MIL and 2 SIL's (SIL 1 is older, SIL 2 is younger) all have BPD traits.  Currently my H and I are NC with SIL 1.  We recently agreed to meet with SIL 2 after over a year of NC.  While I was nervous because she "just wanted to forget the past," we were able after two meetings to get to a place where she seemed to understand that the narrative she was telling herself about what happened was inaccurate.  I felt like she genuinely heard me and I actually felt that her apology was sincere.  My H and I made it clear though that we wanted to take things slow, which she seemingly understood. 

At our last meeting she found out where we live and has subsequently ended up walking past our home.  She discovered which neighborhood we live in and stated that the gym in our neighborhood happens to be her favorite.  We have been in our place for almost a year now and never once ran into her until now.  Suddenly, she is at our gym.  She is grabbing food at a restaurant around the corner.  As I had posted before, I understand she is doing things in public places.  My H knows this gives me anxiety mostly because I don't like to be caught off guard by his sisters.  It has happened in the past and none of those times went well.  They typically ended in them raging or us having to take them to the hospital from some sudden onset of pain because we can't spend time with them. 

Joining BPD family I learned that it was okay for us to go NC.  His sisters did it all the time to us, I just always felt bad and tried to reconcile.  When they each crossed a line for my H and I, we opted to go NC and honestly it was hard at first, but made me remember what life was like when it is calm.  When there isn't a constant drama, emergency, pop by, etc. 

Now that we are in contact with SIL 2, I am anxious about her behaviors lately.  She texted both of us asking us to get together again.  When we didn't respond within a few hours (because we both were working), she texted him privately.  If he doesn't respond via text, she tries social media messages, she tries emails.  This is the behavior that got out of control before.  She sent me a text trying to chit chat during the day, but I could not respond because I had sessions all day.  Also, I didn't make it a priority because I don't feel like we are on that level.

Last week, my H got a text from her asking if he would be in our neighborhood during the day.  He said no because he was at a meeting out of town.  On his way home, he saw her biking back toward where she lives from our neighborhood. 

Is what she doing wrong? No.  Is what she is doing unpredictable? Yes.  Is what she is doing pushing the boundaries a bit?  I think so, but acknowledge that's up for debate. 

It's hard for me to transition from not talking to her at all to talking about the pain she caused to being totally fine again.  I know she wants a relationship with her brother and I know my H wants one with her, but for him (and for me) it needs to be on our terms too.  We are very busy in general, but a part of the issues that were created over a year ago was that we were not at her disposal at every second of every day.  She has a BF who seems to pay their bills so at least she won't need money from us (I'm assuming). 

I am anxious of where this is heading. Her words have never matched her actions and I feel foolish to think this time might be different. 

[Mutt]

Hi Furbaby mom,

I can understand the anxiety. Did the SIL’s display disproportionate anger towards either of you in public? Self protection is a good idea if the other party is not respecting you as an individual, they’re using you as an end to a means, constantly causing drama etc... .  It’s not easy but you do get to reclaim a sense of calmness back into your life.

I think  that she may be testing boundaries for example when she wants a response via different means of communication put the boundary on yourself and don’t res’ond to any of it or if you’re in controlled contact respond to what’s valid. Your H did well when he said that he couldn’t meet, even if he wasn’t busy with something else he’s not obligated.

Mental ilness isn’t an excuse to do whatever to people a mentally ill person still has a responsibility to take care of their mental illness if they’re not getting help for themselves that doesn’t leave you a choice to self protect against behaviours that harm you.

[Harri]

Hi furbaby mom.

It is very understandable that you feel anxious about your SIL hanging out in your neighborhood and abusing your social media.  I would not like it either.  Mutt made a good suggestion about not responding to her comments on social media at all and I think that is important to do.  You do not want to reinforce her and even negative reinforcement is reinforcing!  Also, remember that many times pwBPD will either forget things they already agreed to or will try to push against rules and boundaries.  Expect it and plan for it so it is not such a violation each time it happens.  I am not saying accept the behavior, just accept that it will happen and you will have to do some repeating of expectations and boundaries.

I was thinking about this situation after reading your post earlier.  What would make you feel safer in your neighborhood (other than her not going there)?  Would you feel better if you always had your phone ready to record any interactions that may come up? Would having a couple of short sentences to practice saying should there be a confrontation help?   What about pre-planning what you will do should she rage at you in public?

Can you think of anything that would help you feel safer?  Lets see if we all can come up with some good ideas.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Furbaby mom, 

Mutt has shared some good thoughts with you. One of the nice things about going NC or LC is that you get to chose when you will meet. I can see how SIL2 is causing anxiety because your body and mind is quite used to it, and it takes time to step back from the drama and relax.

It's entirely appropriate for you to respond once to a text during the day to say something like, "I know you would like to chat, but I am unable to text you while I am at work." Then you have shared your boundary and no matter the drama, hold steady and respond when you are able and when you chose to. You don't need to do this eveytime she texts because you have let her know.

Practice some things you can respond with such as "Now is not a good time for me to... ." What other possible responses do you have?

 
Wools

[Furbaby Mom]

Hey everyone,
Thank you for the supportive responses.

Did the SIL’s display disproportionate anger towards either of you in public? Self protection is a good idea if the other party is not respecting you as an individual, they’re using you as an end to a means, constantly causing drama etc... .  It’s not easy but you do get to reclaim a sense of calmness back into your life.

She has never raged on either me or my husband in public.  This SIL typically rages over the phone via call or text.  In person she typically just pushes things too far... .in the past when she would show up at our old house, she wouldn't want to just say hi.  She would want it to be dinner, drinks, sleeping over, staying the next day to watch our netflix, etc.  I actually just read a thread on here about that sort of behavior in BPD's.
Her boyfriend, however, has acted somewhat aggressively toward me at a family party.  I said hello to him, but he proceeded to follow me around.  He would snicker with her at certain points and try to ask me questions across the room in an obvious way that he was trying to get under my skin.  He made me very uncomfortable to be around him, even though I never engaged with him.  It felt bully-ish.  She was recently walking in our neighborhood with her boyfriend. 

Expect it and plan for it so it is not such a violation each time it happens.  I am not saying accept the behavior, just accept that it will happen and you will have to do some repeating of expectations and boundaries.

I was thinking about this situation after reading your post earlier.  What would make you feel safer in your neighborhood (other than her not going there)?  Would you feel better if you always had your phone ready to record any interactions that may come up? Would having a couple of short sentences to practice saying should there be a confrontation help?   What about pre-planning what you will do should she rage at you in public?

Can you think of anything that would help you feel safer?  Lets see if we all can come up with some good ideas.

Accepting/expecting is something I have really had to wrap my head around.  I am proud of myself for being in a much better place now, but I am still not where I want to be so that's a great reminder.  Processing these responses has prompted me to really look at what exactly would make it better and what exactly is it that I am fearful of.  Having my phone with me is a good idea to record if anything comes up. 

I do have some planned interactions... .mostly me saying hello.  I would engage in some small talk about the weather and then state I have to get going to get back to work (I work very close to my home).  I believe she would be fine with that type of interaction.  I also believe that it's my husband who she really wants to "run into."  We are both in a different place with her and that is something I continue to remind myself. 
In the past, if he told her we can't do something she would cry/would fake an illness to have to get emergency attention/guilt trip him for not seeing her.  Total disclosure: the summer before our wedding, she showed up to our home frequently requesting "brother/sister time."  I of course understood, although I felt a little left out after it kept happening.  My H tried to include me as best he could, but she really got upset if I came along.  I came to learn that the topic of these brother/sister moments was me.  It was that he should not marry me, he should get a prenup, etc. While my H dismissed most of it, there was a point when he questioned getting married to me and he cited a few things that she had also talked about.

 She had not only created this drama with my H but also with a majority of his friends.  Since we have been married now for a year and a half, a few of his friends have disclosed what she had told them and since they knew her for a while, they believed her.  They said, "Wow, I really thought you were a b***h.  I really didn't think you were good for him. I see that you guys are great together and this is the happiest he has ever been."

Practice some things you can respond with such as "Now is not a good time for me to... ." What other possible responses do you have?

My typical responses to her are that I am at work.  Now in the past when we had a relationship (a very unhealthy one, but it existed), she would not respect that but I did not/could not respond to her.  There were times when I would get upwards of 25 texts from her even when I didn't respond.  Now that our relationship is in a much different place, I can just respond back with a quick, can't talk, at work and she respects that.  Mostly because I think she texts me to show my H that she's trying.  I don't think she actually wants a relationship with me, but she wants him back in her life and knows that he is disgusted with how she has treated me (he didn't know about this campaign she created with his friends).

I talked with my H about my anxiety last night and we agreed that if she pops up in our neighborhood again he is going to talk to her about taking things slow like we had agreed to.  His reminder echoes what you all are telling me, which is: we can say no.  In the past it hasn't felt like that was an option because of the sick dynamics between him and his sister.  The dynamics are different, I just get nervous.

Now if I see her again at the gym, I will try to say, "This is my me time so enjoy your workout and it was nice seeing you."

Honestly, she frustrates the hell out of me.  Every fiber of my being wants to just ignore her because anything she directs towards me feels fake because I am not who she wants in her life.  I am working hard to believe that maybe she has changed and maybe she is being genuine, but I am not in the mental space yet to believe that.

[Harri]

Hi again Furbaby Mom.  SILs boyfriend sounds very unpleasant to say the least.  Do you think her behavior is worse when he is around?  Sounds like they may team up and just be mean?

I don't remember hearing about your SIL in terms of bad mouthing you to your husband and his friends.  I apologize if I missed it in earlier posts.  That certainly adds to the picture and makes your response make even more sense than it already did.  Has your husband been able to tell her to stop talking, at least to him, about you?  I understand he wants to have a relationship with her but he has the right to tell her to stop doing that and walk away if she tries.  I think it is a reasonable request for you to make as well.  You unfortunately can't control what she says but you can control whether or not you will listen to it and to walk away if you choose.

The responses you have planned are excellent really.  Sometimes if you practice saying them out loud a few times it helps to get the jitters out.  Remember that you will feel uncomfortable the first couple of times but it will get easier as you become more comfortable with it.

Honestly, she frustrates the hell out of me.  Every fiber of my being wants to just ignore her because anything she directs towards me feels fake because I am not who she wants in her life.  I am working hard to believe that maybe she has changed and maybe she is being genuine, but I am not in the mental space yet to believe that.

Well, her behaviors are frustrating and she did a lot of hurtful things so of course you feel that way.     It is good that you are willing to consider at least, giving her the benefit of the doubt.  Give it time.  She may or may not deserve it.   In the meantime though,  allowing yourself to feel the way you do without judgement or trying to deny it is very important.  I think you are handling a difficult situation very well.

Keep up the good work!