Welcome, EstherElizabeth!
I just wanted to pop in to join
isilme and
Mutt in welcoming you to the forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. I wish for you as much help and support as I have received.
Thank you for what you have shared with us thus far:
So I'm trying.
You know what, that's a very courageous thing. I am also glad that you have a counselor to help you sort through the muck. And, now you've reached out to virtual others who very well know what you are going through. You are NOT alone.
Have you seen some of the material located in the right-handed panel? The site articles can help you make sense of what is going on with your husband's behavior and possibly also your own emotional landscape when dealing with it. So... .a good very next step could be setting some boundaries to protect you from the wildest aspects of your husband's behavior, or at least, stepping back from the fray a bit to give yourself the gift of clarity while your sort things out.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but we're so glad you're here. Keep reading and posting, and I'm sure you'll get help and support you need (as I have).
Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!
-Speck