My brother is someone who can make me feel smaller than anyone can make me feel

[Emma 101]

Hi there guys,

I am a female in my 30's. My brother was diagnosed with BPD a couple of years ago. The diagnosis felt like a strange relief after years of feeling very bad about myself, about being a sister and letting my brother down.

Symptoms of his illness have varied throughout the years. From early on suicidal attempts, erratic behavior, criminal behavior, self harm coupled with meanness and insults and lashing out. I was never good enough as a sister or as a human. Constant criticism about my life, body, personality. Very deep, cutting insults that i find hard not to carry with me. On top of this, i have anxiety when visiting my family from years of dramatic crisis's. From drunken, aggressive, nuclear temper tantrums to visits from the police or ambulance. The joke in the family is that every 6 months something is bound to happen.

My brother is someone who can make me feel smaller than anyone can make me feel. He makes me question every aspect of my life and personality. Over the years he has created in me a deep set feeling that deep down, even though i appear to be an ok person, actually i am a terrible, horrible person underneath this. He makes me feel like he thinks he can see through me to some dark core that i am hiding from the world. On some level I think... maybe he is right, maybe i am a very bad, bad worthless, crappy person.

He undermines me and my skill set (we have the same skill set and have studied the same thing) and makes every victory I have professionally seem insignificant, unworthy and pathetic. He never congratulates me for anything I achieve. He has constantly tried to undermine my relationships and in the permanent i one i am in, has told me that my partner does not think I am special and that he is only with me because he wants to settle down and I am not really loved or truly special to my husband.  

We had some timeout a couple of years ago, he decided to disown me because I was such a terrible person (i stood up for myself) and the nagging worry that i had had for his safety (constant worry since he was a teenager that something bad was going to happen to him because of his erratic behavior) was replaced with a sense of deep rejection from the one person who i felt was supposed to love me. It was useful to detach myself so i was not shadowed by constant worry.  Recently he has gotten romantically involved with one of my closest (long term and very ,very close) friends which has brought up a lot of strange feelings in me and triggered some very high anxiety. I decided it was time to bite the bullet and actually come and talk to some people who have been in the same boat. It's been a long and terrible ride (to be honest) and i am trying to live a good life with a wonderful man and need to get some help for these underlying family issues. It would just been good to talk to people in the same boat so i don't feel so alone.

[MusicDad]

You are definitely not alone.  My son has recently "disowned" me, my wife, his two brothers, and his sister.  It is so hurtful to try to make sense of it all.  We have always been there for him.  He is choosing to shut us out.  Through reading a vast amount of posts on this board, I have discovered this is very common for those with BPD to turn people off like a light switch.  It is very painful to experience.  I have learned a lot about BPD here, and I have learned a lot about myself and have found more healthful ways to communicate with those suffering from BPD.  Sometimes I wonder if the person with BPD ever understands how much those that love them also suffer.   Keep posting, keep learning, and never stop loving.

[Harri]

Hi Emma101 and welcome to the board!  There are a lot of people here who can relate to your situation with your brother and who can offer support and soft place when you need/want it.

It is hurtful when a family member knows how to hurt us so deeply.  It sounds like your brother knows just what all your most sensitive areas are and just how to poke at them.  The thing is, what he says about you and to you (about your character, your skills, etc) have more to do with him than anything to do with you.  When a person with BPD (pwBPD) is as dysregulated as he gets they can't really see you, they are seeing their own self, fears, insecurities projected on you.  Their own feelings define reality for them.  Here is a link to a discussion about
Projection

An excerpt from the article:

 Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

I gave you this link to start because I think it may help you detach from the hurtful comments he makes.  Not that they won't still hurt, but hopefully you will feel less devastated by what he says as you learn to remind yourself over and over that what he says is a reflection of his own self and has nothing to do with you.  My mother was great at projecting her own insecurities and irrational fears on me.  Projection was the first thing I learned about BPD behaviors and it helped me quite a bit to stop additional hurts from building.  I hope this will help you as well.  There are lots of other articles that you might find helpful as well, I just figured I would start here.  

learning about the various behaviors common to BPD is not so much to help or even understand your brother, but more to protect yourself by depersonalizing his behaviors as much as possible.  

Emma, I am glad you are reaching out for and I really believe this is the best place to land for support and learning.  I see you already found a thread started by someone else with a BPD sibling.  There are several others currently posting who deal with siblings, plus you have a lot of us who had/have uBPD (undiagnosed) or BPD parents, etc.  We all get it and can help you process things.