concerned uBPDw may really be leaving this time

[wellthisisnofun]

Thanks, ROE. I'm trying to do exactly that - distance myself from any guilt or blame or whatever in terms of what I did. I know that what I did does not deserve the response I got. If only I could get the knots in my stomach to sync up and agree with that. I'll do my best to step away and merely watch the show, as hard as that is, and as scary as it is not knowing when she's coming back. This is the first time she's actually left to got to a hotel, despite previous threats. I did not do much to stop her this time as I would have in the past, merely saying I understand and appreciated her anger, but also providing a perspective on what *did* happen since she asked.

wtinf please don't blame yourself. Try to remember that she's the one who started this chaos and is finding every opportunity to keep it rolling. Consider every time you said / did something that didn't cause an explosion an achievement, not those moments where she lost it failures. You may be the trigger, but you are not the cause. Try to detach and live your life while she runs around in a storm of divorce threats, yelling about conversations that didn't take place, books you didn't leave on the floor, etc.

This is her show. Step back and observe and let it run its course.  

~ROE

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wellthisisnofun]

Getting back to your post from yesterday, ROE (while still in the midst of this unexpected sidestep from my wife):

I can see how the Asia / children thing makes it especially hard from you, and I really empathize with how troubling that must be in terms of figuring out what to do for yourself. May I ask what country you are in?

The question you pose is a good one, and one that I have been asking versions of myself for a long while: Let me ask you, is it your wife you are more afraid of losing (the person) or the life you've built together (shared history, house, plans for future, etc)? How do you feel when you imagine yourself dating someone new, someone who can fully respect your feelings and make you feel safe enough to be intimate?

I can wholeheartedly say that its is more about the life we've built together and having "someone" than it is about my wife. When I look back on it, my wife has been mean as heck to me nearly our entire relationship. And it has cost me dearly, personally, friends, family, etc. There was something about when we first met of course - it was great, I loved her, sex was great, etc. But a few years in, it started to fade as I realized something was "up" with her and it was really starting to affect me. If there was a way to get that back? I would do it. But it seems less and less likely every day - next to impossible even - so it's hard for me to say "it's my wife." It may have been my wife as she was originally, but as we know that's not my "real" wife. That was a separate show altogether.

The love I want in the future - it's hard to see her, specifically, there. Everything I've seen suggests she is incapable of giving me the love I would want. I'm not getting what I need, and think to get what I need it would need to be someone else. If I could snap my fingers and make that happen, I would. But the pain of loss, grief, loneliness, etc. that will come before that happens - if that happens (uncertainty is a big motivating factor to me as well) - has thus far been too great for me to be the one to decide I'm moving on, even if all signs really point to that being the "right" choice... .

The fear of losing everything we've worked so hard to build is very difficult to cope with, wtinf. We watch the people around us build while everything in our lives seems to be falling apart. We've been with the person so long that it's very hard to visualize a future without them. I've got you here.

There's one point that's made it especially hard for me - I live in my wife's country in Asia. We have always dreamed of moving to the US, where I am from. But if we split, that becomes next to impossible since she would definitely stay here and I want the kids to be close to their mother. Which in effect means I could NEVER go home unless she comes with us. But I'm trying not to let that idea dampen my thinking on the possibility of leaving her. Life is full of surprises, and it may offer me a different route home at the right time.

While I am not suggesting that you marriage will definitely end since that is still up in the air, you might want to start practicing visualizing a future without your wife, one in which you are happy. Then see if you can accept it as a possible future. This is a step by step process and doesn't happen overnight.

Let me ask you, is it your wife you are more afraid of losing (the person) or the life you've built together (shared history, house, plans for future, etc)? How do you feel when you imagine yourself dating someone new, someone who can fully respect your feelings and make you feel safe enough to be intimate?

~ROE

[SunandMoon]

Well a lot has been happening, wtinf - it's no wonder you feel twisted up inside. I'm sorry this is all going so badly.

She seems to be giving you no opening at all. It's just push, push, push. I'm sure you've read about the push / pull dynamic. Maybe it's time for you to push back a bit.

I'm going to go back to an earlier question you asked me:

SunandMoon, you suggested doing my best to bring some intimacy into the mix. I am all about that and it was part of what I had committed to her - but she is clearly completely closed off at the moment to anything beyond basic communication. So unless you are suggesting I try to break through this massive shield and barrier with something like an unexpected tight hug and I love you, I regret that at this point that would likely be met with a fairy callous, "What are you doing?"... .

Definitely not a tight hug and I love you, for two reasons. 1. A tight hug does seem desperate. 2. For someone who feels unloved and perhaps unlovable, hearing "I love you" can be very invalidating and will trigger a negative reaction.

Little things like going in for a gentle hug, maybe a kiss on the forehead. Sitting next to her while watching tv and putting your arm around her. Little intimate touches while talking. Small steps toward physical communication.

Having said that, she is obviously not giving you any openings to do these things and at some point you have to acknowledge your own feelings of how it got to this point. Truly, it shouldn't be this hard.

The advice everyone is giving is good and I think you have to just let her do her thing now. She might be back today; she might not. Use this time to focus on you. I know it's hard.

Read your books and continue learning but try not to spend all your time thinking about this. Get out and see others. Talk with them about it, if it feels safe; otherwise just enjoy their company and get into another headspace. Imagine you are single. Go for a walk with your dog. Hunt out the food you want to eat - you need to take care of yourself.

If you communicate, validate where you can but also stand firm that there was nothing wrong with what you did. Have you read about SET (support, empathy, truth)? After you've said your truth, that's it - don't get drawn back into endless arguments about it. Give her the space she's asking for and give yourself a break by focusing on you and your needs.

[wellthisisnofun]

Appreciate your insights, SunandMoon. I think I am doing all / most of what you write naturally at the moment, so that’s good. All the while with a pit of anxiety in my stomach.

She was at home weeding in the yard when I got home from work. I said hi and thanked her for doing that, never referencing what had happened the night before. I had made plans to go to our friend’s son’s baseball game, so I mentioned that. I had planned to take the dog too, but she did one of her unnecessary biting responses - “he’s my dog too, you know, and I haven’t seen him in two days” - so I said no problem, I would not take him.

These are the kind of constant daily, often hourly “barbs” that have stuck in me over the years. They are the primary reason I shut down and detached. I could not have a normal simple conversation or interaction without feeling like I had been aggressed at, sometimes with just a hint, and sometimes  with such obvious venom.

Before I left I asked if she would like me to pick up dinner on the way home, though I could not be sure of the time. She said no, she’d fend for herself. No problem. I left and mostly enjoyed the game, but she texted me a couple hours in saying she hadn’t eaten and maybe I could get something on the way home. Strange Back and forth contact / mixed messages, it feels like.

I suggested a place, she said “eh, I’ll just order something” and I just said okay. Normally I would have pursued, trying to please her by suggesting other things, bending over backwards to find something good for her and alter my schedule to make it work. But I told myself, this is her issue right now, not mine, which meant all she got was an “okay”. We interacted briefly when I got home but I mostly left her alone in the bedroom where she has largely holed herself up.

This morning when I woke up, the bedroom door was closed, which it never is. Not sure how to take that, if at all. Further retreat, sending me a message for something specific, or for something more general, etc? I am just going to ignore it, however, I think.  I did knock lightly and then go in to get something. She was sleeping, so at least all was okay there. We have not interacted at all this AM.

I have read about extinction bursts and was wondering if any of that could be happening here, even if mildly.  Me not reacting as much as before, even when she went to the hotel. I did react, but differently- didn’t plead for her not to go, even if I did try to state my case while validating her feelings. And perhaps her closing the bedroom door is a way of her feeling that and trying to get a further rise out of me. No idea. It just came to mind.

Tonight I have plans to do dinner and a movie at a friend’s house, who has been very supportive. Trying to stay busy as much as possible with social interaction. And doing my best not to feel guilty about it if she holes up in the bedroom while I do so. 

[wellthisisnofun]

I posted this in my "side thread" 'Advice on setting a boundary', but then realized it might be a more appropriate continuation here. So here goes, with minor edits.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the replies and I'm sorry for taking this long to respond. To put it mildly, I am definitely struggling with the current situation, especially with feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, emptiness, loneliness, etc.

I ended up not needing to be as "direct" in my SET communication as I thought I would be (see https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324227.0). On Sunday, she asked me "So, how is your reading, etc. going? Any epiphanies?" She knows I've been doing therapy and reading several self-help books trying to work on my part in all of this. I said that I had actually been learning a lot and felt far better equipped than I had been just a few weeks earlier. I even explained some of the things that I had been learning - like how what I said and did before didn't validate her feelings, and made her feel like I was trying to change them (unintentional), etc. I was honest and direct about where I was and that I still wanting to work on us.

But the conversation sort of morphed back into what it was a week or two ago - that she still can't get over the "10 years" aspect of our problems, doesn't trust that I could change, not sure she wants that. That she still has a lot of resentment, doesn't think she can get over it, and not sure she wants to get over it. (that sounds very BPD to me - like she knows there's a problem, but feels incapable of fixing it, so that becomes not wanting to fix it - which only feeds the cycle of bitterness, negativity, hostility, etc.) She also said this has now made her not attracted to me - which is a kick in the gut, but when I look at the whole thing I also just maybe see that I am now purely in the 100% devaluation mode of her splitting behaviors. She has done similar with me and friends before, where people are all good or all bad, but never this extreme and certainly never this extreme with me. She still says "I love you", however, when I said it to her to end the conversation, though I don't know what to think, really.

I tried to use all the tools I have learned here to make for a better conversation, and think it helped that to happen - but at the end of the day, she still is essentially saying she has one foot out the door.  That there is 10% of her that has prevented her from doing that, and she's not sure what that 10% is, exactly - fear? some connection to me? other? 10% though... I don't like those odds.  

The reason I didn't have to use my SET thing I asked advice about is that our living situation sort of came up naturally in the discussion. And and in that context, she offered something about "I know you live her too" which made it unnecessary to have to set boundaries in the way I thought I would have to beforehand. I still may have to in the future, and I'll be prepared.

I know from speaking to a friend that she really hasn't made a decision yet, and is also working on herself in a sense, and is a bit more grounded than she was 2 weeks ago, which is good. I know she is reading The Untethered Soul right now - not sure what that might mean in terms of her state of mind with regard to staying or leaving. When I hear/see that, I go to "is she reading a book to try to figure out how to get untethered from me? or untethered from the things in her life I think she knows, deep down, keep her from making much progress? If anyone knows that book and could comment on it and how it might relate to my (or her) situation, I would appreciate it.

As part of our conversation, she brought up that she was "so sick of being in toxic relationships" - referring to her parents (both essentially abandoned her at various points in her life), some previous relationships, and now ours. She just won't go to the place where she can become aware of, or want to do anything about, her role in it and how her (undiagnosed) BPD is really at the heart of it. It's all classic BPD - she wants so much to be loved, but pushes away the people that get close to her, time and again. And yet I'm still here, still offering, and at least currently being rejected.

She is looking for some sort of "clarity" to help her make a decision. She has a trip to visit some friends and family next week, and then I have some small travel that overlaps at the end. We will be apart about 10 days. I'm hoping this gives her the clarity she needs, cause obviously this can't go on forever - I am in total limbo and it is excruciating. So I'm guessing that if in 2-3 weeks time she hasn't made a decision, I need to force one.

On the good side, the friends she is seeing on this trip have seen the dynamic between us. One of them even told me how there was a point when they were watching her constant jabs at me, and wondering to each other how can I put up with that, and that one day I was just going to "blow". I never did, obviously - I checked out, for survival, which is the part I own. But I'm hopeful that maybe they can be advocates for me / us when they spend time together. I've been talking to the husband about this, and I'm hopefully maybe they can get her to realize the extent of her role in things, which perhaps could cause a shift in her thinking... .I don't know... .Wishful thinking?

In the meantime, I am doing my best to give her her space, and work on myself, and sort of healthily detach as much as I can (both by giving space and attempting to not get caught up in any drama if it happens, and use SET / validation / boundaries / etc. when it does). But it's hard, really hard, as I know you all know or can imagine.

It seems like we have been in a better place in terms of our interactions in the house for the past several days, to the point where it makes me go "huh, that's weird - why are you proactively talking to me about something you saw in the news that would interest me, and being nice to me about X, Y or Z, texting me an interesting link like you used to, etc., when you supposedly want to leave me and say you feel like a prisoner in your own home?" It's all so confusing, with mixed signals, sort of. Meanwhile, I'd dying inside, trying not to react, or read too much into anything, etc.

I even invited her to go to another talk she would have been interested in, to try to connect with her. She had other plans but was going to try to fit it in, she said. Late in the day, she said that those plans were running late so it probably wasn't going to happen, and even said "I'm sorry" via text - maybe the first "I'm sorry" from her in years, in any form. I said "That's okay. I wasn't even sure if I should ask since I want to give you time and space. It's okay." To which she replied, "Well I was seriously wanting to go. I wish I had known the exact time/date yesterday before making plans." That made me feel better and actually seemed like a minor ray of hope, but she might have also been referring to the topic area mostly, not necessarily "going with me." Ugh. Then this morning it was just a bit more curt / to the point. I guess in true BPD fashion, you just never know what you are going to get or what it really means. How did I get here?

So, I'm just trying to manage right now, walking lines of detachment and giving her her space, working on myself, but also being true to some of the commitments I made to her when this all started several weeks ago (like finding fun and interesting things to do around town every week - hence my ask her to go to that talk, even though that is sort of the opposite of detaching and giving her space). Mornings tend to be tougher than afternoons and evenings, for some reason, when it comes to my emotions and anxiety levels. Not sure why that is... .

Any advice or thoughts or commentary is always appreciated here. Thank you for being there, friends.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi wtinf, sorry to hear your situation has yet to stabilize. I can feel the strain it's putting on you.

I think a lot of your stress comes from the idea that your wife is operating on some sort of a plan and is in the process of getting a clear idea in her head of how she feels about you and the situation. You are trying to guess and what's going on in her mind, and her constant contradictory behavior is driving you crazy. If I had to guess based on experience from my own wife, it's that she is operating on an emotion to emotion, moment to moment basis.

I'll share one of my own experiences to maybe give you some context. About 4 years ago, a long time before I knew anything about BPD, my wife got angry at me, called me a dog, and suddenly demanded I move out, instantly. I had to transfer 90% of the cash I had to her and pay her as much out of my salary every month. I was not going to see my son (then 1.5). I found a dingy airbnb I could afford, gathered my things, and left.

It was finally so clear. My wife couldn't stand me any more and it had been building up for years and finally exploded. I had been an awful, insensitive, selfish husband. I had finally gotten what I deserved. I transferred the money, left, and pulled my suitcase to the bnb in the rain. I calculated how much cash I had to survive on till my next paycheck and bought a pathetic dinner at 7-11. I stayed the night in the b2b and used a disgusting shared shower. I mentally and emotionally prepared myself for the new life I was going to be living. The next morning at work I got a text asking when I was coming home.  

When I think of this story, and all of the immense amount of emotional energy I committed to trying to understand my wife, when she didn't even understand herself, i feel angry and exhausted.

I might be wrong. Your wife might know exactly what's she's doing. Honestly, I think your story touched my sore point about all the rodeos I've been through that wasted my time and emotional energy on threats she never made good on and I'm ranting a little. But my point is that it might be aimless for you to try and understand. You have 10 days of time to yourself now. Great! Detach with love, and focus on getting clear in your own headspace rather than trying to guess her next move.  

What do you think about these 10 days? Instead of seeing them as time for her to get clarity that might not be real clarity, what do you think you can accomplish on your side? Time is often a gift.

~ROE

[SunandMoon]

Hi wtinf

I already replied on your other "boundaries" thread but wanted to comment on this:

I am in total limbo and it is excruciating. So I'm guessing that if in 2-3 weeks time she hasn't made a decision, I need to force one.

Why? I can't see any good coming from forcing a decision. Nobody responds well to being pushed. Your problems have built up over years - they won't be solved in 2-3 weeks.

[wellthisisnofun]

Thank you both, ROE and SunandMoon. I continually appreciate both your perspectives.

ROE, wow what an awful experience you recounted above. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. At times I’m doing similar, within the context of my own circumstance, trying to conjur up the emotional energy and strength to think about what my new life will be if this really does end. It is a daunting thought to say the least.

But you raise excellent points about trying not to get caught up in the confusing moment to moment confusion, and instead try to look at this from more of a birds eye view. I am trying. At times I feel good about doing that, and at others I don’t think I can and I wonder what she is thinking. It’s just so hard.

We’re coming up on nearly 4 weeks when this all happened. It’s hard not to see it as permanent, as it has never happened like this before. SunandMoon, maybe that’s why I feel like there has to be some sort of an “answer” to whether we are going to work on it or not.  For my own health and sanity, and given what I know of our situation, I feel like I need that. That’s why I said I would give it a few more weeks and then force the issue. By force the issue, I really mean trying to have a concerted talk about what the heck is going on, is she going to try to work on it, and if not, what are next steps. Separation? Divorce? Other?

Things continue to be cordial, but for the most part we are two ships passing in the night inside our home.  SunandMoon, I know that’s better than the high emotion conflict that started it all for the first couple of weeks, but it really feels like the most minimum of positives. And that’s about all the progression there has been, leading to tomorrow when she goes on her trip.

I’ve also been keen on giving her her space and detaching. Mostly reacting when she instigates contact or a conversation, but doing so pretty muted compared to my normal style and amount. Not sure if I’m handling that correctly or not when it comes to “lovingly detaching”.

Both of you asked what I’m doing for myself. I’m reading, trying to stay busy, trying to talk and connect socially with friends, and even trying to get back into golfing that I let fall by the wayside 6 years or so ago. I also have some planned travel to see some shows by one of my favorite music acts. I’m doing what I can, despite feeling how I’m feeling. Some moments are better than others, of course.

What are your suggestions on what I say when she leaves tomorrow? More like later today, as it’s an early flight for her. Do I tell her I love her? Reiterate what I want? Just wish her a good and safe trip, that I hope she finds the clarity she’s looking for? I don’t want to come off as desperate or needy in anything I say. And, she should know how I feel already given everything that has happened, despite my attempts at detaching over the past week or two. But we all know how moments like these go - I just want to reach out and hug her and bring her closer, but then I risk the whole pull/push dynamic. Any advice here?

Thanks for your ongoing kindness.

[wellthisisnofun]

Well, as a quick update, she left this AM, 5 AM in an Uber so we did not see each other in the AM. Last night, our "good bye" consisted of me simply saying I hope she had a good and safe trip, say hi to people, etc., and her saying she hoped I had a fun time on my side trip and at home with the dog, etc. I probably walked out of the room with a bit of a sad face and demeanor, but not too much.

I wanted to tell her I loved her, that I would miss her, etc., but I did not. Whether or not that was right (best? most beneficial to my cause?) or not I don't know, but it's what happened. I guess I erred on not trying to put any pressure on her, since I keep reading in other threads that even telling someone you love them can be invalidating, if they are in the throngs of not loving themselves.

But as I mentioned in posts prior, it's sort of difficult to know how to "detach lovingly". I feel like though I've been detaching, maybe I've done so in a bit of a "too much" kind of way. An example - we did have better conversation over this weekend from time to time, which was good. And, I even got us  Thai food for dinner that we ate in front of the TV for 20 minutes or so last night. We were sitting next to each other, but at one point I found myself leaning away from her, sort of on my side with my feet up and underneath me. I caught her noticing that out of the corner of my eye a couple of times over a matter of seconds - whether it was that I was "distant" with my leaning, or simply that my feet were up while we were eating and she didn't like that, or a combo , I'll never know. But I nonchalantly gathered myself and went back to eating straight up, beside her, and the conversation continued a bit as we ate and watched TV.

Emotions are a bit heightened today since I won't see her for 10 days, and to me it feels a bit like "she's off to decide on our fate". But who knows, really.

I am and will do my best to work on me in the meantime especially over these 10 days. As you mentioned, ROE, I'm trying to see it as a gift, in a sense, for that. I guess when it comes to "good / loving detachment" over these days, what do I do as far as contact? None at all? Only if necessary? Reply if contacted bit don't instigate? I guess if I want to play the push/pull dynamic right, my best bet is to just lay low, reply nice and cordially and lovingly (but without emotion) if contacted, or if necessary, but otherwise leave her to her thing. Is that the right / best approach here? Is that proper detachment, especially since I am also trying to work on and do things for myself at the same time?

[SunandMoon]

Hi wtinf and thanks for the update!

As far as contact goes, you parted on fairly friendly terms so, if it was me, I'd keep that going. Maybe a short text with something like: "Hi darling, I just wanted to make sure you've arrived safely. How's the weather down there?" Just something light and upbeat.

If I got a friendly response, I'd probably text every day (not continually, of course, and not if the response was negative) but just send a little note to let her know I was thinking of her. Nothing heavy or emotional. Something funny the dog did, a follow up on a topic you've been discussing, etc.

Detaching with love doesn't mean distancing or putting walls up. In fact, that's what you have committed not to do any more.

Ruminating on or second guessing the purpose behind her trip, eg: "her getting clarity on whether she wants to continue" is pointless. She may be doing that or she may just want some space and be doing her own thing. She might not even think about you, as awful as that seems. You can't know and therefore it's a waste of time speculating. You only cause yourself more anxiety.

I agree with ROE that these 10 days are a gift. Use them to focus on you. Pretend for a while that the worst has happened and you are separated or already divorced and this is your reality - at home, with your dog, living your own life.

How does it feel? Do you really love her or is it the ideal of what your relationship could have been that keeps you attached? Or the fear of being alone? You may find you enjoy the peace and the freedom of not walking on eggshells every day. New possibilities may open themselves to you. Be open to them and allow yourself to explore your real feelings.

[SunandMoon]

Hi wtinf

I notice you haven't posted for a while and I hope you are doing okay?
How have things been since your wife went on her trip?

[wellthisisnofun]

Hi wtinf

I notice you haven't posted for a while and I hope you are doing okay?
How have things been since your wife went on her trip?

Hi SunandMoon - thanks for checking in. I've been doing my best to stay busy - meeting with friends, going for long walks, seeing concerts (traveling to them), golfing, etc. Trying to reclaim a bit of myself during the time apart. It's been fun / good and although I've of course been thinking about our situation, I've been able to cope better with it. Could also be the antidepressants kicking in, since I'm just past 3 weeks starting those.

I ended up hearing from my wife the night she left after she arrived. She texted me just wanting to let me know she got there, along with a funny tidbit. That was last Monday. I responded with a nice quick note saying I hope she has a good time. The very next day, another text with a photo of our friends' newborn and another funny tidbit. I again respond in kind, lightly but nice. The next two days, two more transactional texts (about the dog, etc.), but still I was hearing from her, of her own volition, which I thought was good.

A day went by with nothing, so I thought I would reach out. So I texted her a funny image I saw while traveling in the airport. That was last Thursday - no reply to that. The weekend went by and I figured I would just give her her space. This morning I texted here again just with a quick update on where I was (I traveled again, which she knew) and to say hi. No response. Then this afternoon I had to text her about a bill that needed to be paid, and shortly afterward all I got was "Will do."

:-/

Confusing to say the least. At the start of the trip I thought it was good she was reaching out. But then I give her more space, but send a couple of nice texts, and all I get is "Will do" to the last one. Trying not to live in the details and derive meaning from everything, but it's so hard not to!

I am good friends with both friends she visited first, and the husband actually filled me on how the visit went. When he was with them, he said she talked about me positively and normally - I came up in conversation and it was like "Oh, yeah, [my name]'s favorite is blah blah blah" sort of thing. Later on he asked his wife how it went when he was away. She said that "we" were all they talked about - that there was a lot of crying, a lot of "I don't knows", a lot of deep soul searching, even talking with her Mom (one of the primary sources of abandonment she has, multiple times) about other things, etc. The wife said "Before she came, I would have thought there was no chance in hell they were going to stay together [based on texts and conversations they had had]. But now I would put it at least 50/50, maybe even 60/40 in [my name]'s favor." Naturally I took that as "better" than the 10% chance she had said to me a couple of weeks ago, and it seemed headed in the right direction.

That was Friday. And then we have the lack of contact and the "Will do." text which brings us to now. I will see her for about a day on Wednesday when we are both back in town - but then I travel again Friday through Monday, so my aim is to make Wednesday as care free as possible. Just see how it goes, ask her how the trip was, be nice and loving but also "light" along the way, etc.

So that's where we are. Any views / perspectives much appreciated!

[RolandOfEld]

Hi wtinf, good to hear from you. Glad to hear you've been doing things for yourself and have managed to have some fun during this time.

I guess my main thought would be that I hope that whether or not you and your wife reunite, you both come out of this with a new perspective and a much clearer idea of your own needs and boundaries. During this time you have learned how to care for yourself and identify your needs, and someone who can do that is a stronger partner to who ever they are with. Good work!

Wishing you all the best and please keep us updated.

Warmly,
ROE   

[SunandMoon]

Thanks for checking in, wtinf! I'm glad to hear that you've been coping okay and keeping yourself busy.

It's good that you and your wife were keeping in contact in the beginning. It's hard to say why it stopped - and it's another of those things that can drive you nuts trying to second guess it. Best to focus on the future and not sweat the small stuff... .

How do you feel about her coming home?

You asked for views/ perspectives so I hope you don't mind if I come back to the letter you wrote her and the things you said that were going to change.

I don't know what you committed to (and totally understand if these things are too personal to discuss here), but wanted to ask how you are going to implement them when you see her again?

I think, if you want to push things forward, as soon as she gets back would be a good time to start. Expect some 'push back' or resistance but go for it anyway. Show her that it is possible, even if her doubts get in the way. Feel free to discuss this more here if you feel comfortable... .

The concerts sound great - lucky you! What shows have you been to so far?