Something good: proud of my daughter

[Hyacinth Bucket]

It can be so hard to remember and see the tiny  steps forward our kids take. But I'm really feeling it tonight.

I am proud of my daughter. She's making an effort to work. She's a stripper and she's started doing webcamming. When she started stripping I was so sad I stayed in bed for two days. But almost two years later, I'm proud of her for making an effort to support herself in a way that she's comfortable with.

I am especially proud that she keeps trying. She has terrible relationships with people and either expects way too much or people hurt her horribly. But she keeps going and tries to learn from her mistakes.

There is so much negative I could focus on - she's not in therapy, she does hard drugs, shes extremely bright and could be doing more with herself. She hasn't paid her court fine and they might put out a bench warrant for her  at some point. But I am so truly grateful that we are not having to support her and even better, we've gotten her to the point where she doesn't expect us to. I am very proud of my husband and myself as well. Only these past couple of weeks have I really realized just how much work we've done with her. When you're in the thick of it, it feels never ending. I was talking to my husband about that tonight. A year ago I couldn't have fathomed writing this note. In two weeks it will be a year since she was arrested for trying to strangle her birth mother. Last year was absolute hell. I really didn't think it would ever end. Even three months ago I was still despairing. This forum and working on accepting that I have no control or responsibility for my daughter has truly changed my life. Thank you everyone.

I hope you all have a relaxed, boring week. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi again, Hyacinth Bucket

I am sure that, by no stretch of the imagination, this is the life you have wanted for your daughter.

You write... ."There is so much negative I could focus on... .but I am so truly grateful... ."  Great attitude and, really, an attitude we should all strive for in every aspect of life.  You are accepting reality and realizing that you have done all in your power to have her make different choices.  Now you are just loving her.  That takes a whole lot of strength.

  to you Hyacinth Bucket.  Glad you are here.

Huat

[bluek9]

Hi HB, yea! I'm so happy for you. We have to take our joy as it comes. Better to see the positive in what she is doing for herself, than dwell on the negative. Besides like you said "I'm proud of her for making an effort to support herself"
    I've found over the years that I have to view my daughters life through a different lense. Not through the one I wanted for her, but through the one in which she defines her own terms. Rarely do we agree on what brings happiness, so I've decided to see what she defines as happiness, and be happy for her in that.
     What a monumental step for you get her to the point of "not expecting" you to support her. Kudos and a pat on the back, relish every moment of being proud for her and yourselves.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Huat and Bluek9,

Thank you for your kind words. You're both so right. This is not the life I want for her, not even close. I like what you said, Bluek9, about seeing what she defines as happiness. I hope that she can find some permanent happiness, someday. I hope all our kids can.

Lots of hugs

HB

[Hyacinth Bucket]

My DD20 just called to say she thinks she has strep. I heard her start to whine and almost ask if I would take care of her but she stopped herself! She complained about how much she hates being sick and I validated that it totally sucks. After a few minutes of that, she said, "it's okay, i'll get through it." ! awesome!

She has a new roommate to help with money. She already punched him while she was drunk. Her violent tendencies worry me. She has PTSD from childhood abuse (by both bio parents) so I get where it comes from, but she's already been arrested once for it. It seems to be exacerbated significantly by her substance abuse, though. She never was violent with me and my husband.

I told her, "dude, you have to stop hitting people, that is really bad!" she didn't get defensive, she said she knows, and that she's really embarrassed. I just told her to apologize because that's how adults handle things.

These kids... .