After 20 years of marriage, I don't care any more

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have gone through these stages with my uBPD/uNPD H.

My eyes are open to his whole family and his adult children, even his X W.  (H is a BPD and his X is certainly NPD.  Her new H is a codependent.)  His children are either NPD or BPD; his F is NPD.

What kind of mess did I get myself into?

I have been reading a book that is a great help to people in RS with Cluster B personalities.  It's called, ":)odging Energy Vampires:  An Empath's Guide to Evading Relationships That Drain You and Restoring Your Health and Power," by Christiane Northrup, M.D.

It's a bit metaphysical, but you can ignore that if you're not interested.

The book describes well my RS with my H.  I have reached the stage of indifference described in the book.  I just don't care any more.

The twenty plus years of marriage where my H has raged at me, punched holes in the walls when he is angry, left me in a car in traffic after I had a medical procedure, favored his adult children over me (not to mention his triangulating them), etc. have left me to make the decision to pull all the way out of the relationship.  I am not ready for divorce as I have too many work matters left unfinished.  Still, if H decides to have me served with papers, I am ready.  Over the years, H has made almost weekly divorce threats when he is angry with me anyway.  I don't know when or if I will serve him myself.  

Right now I am surviving and working on myself.  I feel great in that I no longer the fear the head games from H.  

Typical BPD.  I am tired of SETing and trying to help him.  Over and done.  

BTW, the book has many good strategies on boundaries.  

[AskingWhy]

I have gone through these stages with my uBPD/uNPD H.

My eyes are open to his whole family and his adult children, even his X W.  (H is a BPD and his X is certainly NPD.  Her new H is a codependent.)  His children are either NPD or BPD; his F is NPD.

What kind of mess did I get myself into?

I have been reading a book that is a great help to people in RS with Cluster B personalities.  It's called, ":)odging Energy Vampires:  An Empath's Guide to Evading Relationships That Drain You and Restoring Your Health and Power," by Christiane Northrup, M.D.

It's a bit metaphysical, but you can ignore that if you're not interested.

The book describes well my RS with my H.  I have reached the stage of indifference described in the book.  I just don't care any more.

The twenty plus years of marriage where my H has raged at me, punched holes in the walls when he is angry, left me in a car in traffic after I had a medical procedure, favored his adult children over me (not to mention his triangulating them), etc. have left me to make the decision to pull all the way out of the relationship.  I am not ready for divorce as I have too many work matters left unfinished.  Still, if H decides to have me served with papers, I am ready.  Over the years, H has made almost weekly divorce threats when he is angry with me anyway.  I don't know when or if I will serve him myself.  

Right now I am surviving and working on myself.  I feel great in that I no longer the fear the head games from H.  

Typical BPD.  I am tired of SETing and trying to help him.  Over and done.  

BTW, the book has many good strategies on boundaries.  

[Harri]

Hi AskingWhy. 

You sound tired.  It can be so exhausting to deal with a pwBPD never mind as many as you list here. 

Right now I am surviving and working on myself.  I feel great in that I no longer the fear the head games from H.

This is wonderful to read. 

What are you doing to work on yourself?  What did you find most helpful in the book you mention? 

[Mutt]

Hi AskingWhy,

I’d like to echo Harri what are you doing for self care?

[AskingWhy]

Thank you, Harri and Mutt.

I have been doing the usual--mediation, yoga and hobbies.  I eat well and take care of myself.

I try to tune out the bad vibes of H as I know it's not about me.  Not easy at first, but I now don't define myself by his statements.

Now looking at divorce as a very real possibility and researching family laws in my state.  

I dislike being a codependent as it's from low self-esteem and I had that in spades.  

I am ready to move on.

The book states that Cluster B types almost never chance and it's a sign of high self-esteem to have the guts to cut one's losses and move on.  There is a lot on emotional healing after draining relationships.   

After beating my head against the wall with SET and other things that didn't work, I am ready to move on.  I am more ready than I have ever been.  Let H go and live with one of his BPD or NPD children where he let them blackmail him for money and gifts. 

[pearlsw]

Hi AskingWhy,

Thanks for sharing. Can you please give us more insight into what you are doing, aside from this potential divorce, to improve your self-esteem?

take care, pearl.

[montenell]

I will have to check that book out, thanks for that. I'm 12 years in and at the point of not caring... actually I've been indifferent for probably the last 4 years but now I'm even more indifferent so I understand your numbness to it all. Main thing is self care, I've joined a gym and try to find things that make me happy glad you're doing similar

[AskingWhy]

I will have to check that book out, thanks for that. I'm 12 years in and at the point of not caring... actually I've been indifferent for probably the last 4 years but now I'm even more indifferent so I understand your numbness to it all. Main thing is self care, I've joined a gym and try to find things that make me happy glad you're doing similar

montenell,  it's a very good book on dealing with a partner who is BPD/NPD.  The author is a doctor who clearly shares her past with the reader and discusses healing from a RS with a Cluster B partner.  She calls them "vampires" because they suck the non dry of emotions.  

RS with BPDs exhaust you.  Too much drama.  As a person who is now in more than 20 years with a uBPD/uNPD H, I am tired, but now I know exactly what I am up against, and have given myself permission to serve him with divorce papers when/if I have had enough.  

pearlsw, I cope by utterly spoiling myself!  Spa treats, clothing--anything I fancy.  Another thread discusses my husband's stingy gifting me when he spends thousands of dollars on his adult children:  cars, rehab, "just-because" money in the thousands of dollars.

BTW, the book also talks about appropriate anger and not repressing it because it will come back to affect us on a physical level with very real illnesses. 

[MrRight]

AskingWhy that is amazing - my best friend got stuck with my wife 10 years ago when I left her temporarily - he later described her as an energy vampire - those exact words.

I will try to get hold of that book - sounds like the book for me - will probably have to get an electronic copy though.

20 years is a long time to be stuck with an energy vampire - I have 17 behind me. Life is still out there somewhere.

[pearlsw]

pearlsw, I cope by utterly spoiling myself!  Spa treats, clothing--anything I fancy.  Another thread discusses my husband's stingy gifting me when he spends thousands of dollars on his adult children:  cars, rehab, "just-because" money in the thousands of dollars.

Hey AskingWhy!

I did not expect that answer! You gave me a chuckle and a smile! That sounds just fabulous - spoiling yourself!

warmly, pearl.