Doin' it for the kids... but struggling with my attitude

[kells76]

This is more of a stepparenting question than legal.

So the kids' mom is having an art event involving a portrayal/image of DH (among other people) with "poetic" text. Of course, the kids will be there... .it's on our weekend, naturally. She asked/told him ahead of time if it was OK. He talked about it with the kids' counselor and decided that it would be a good double bind for her. Either she portrays him in a positive/neutral light and that's good for the kids, or she portrays him in a negative light which shows the kids what she's all about.

I REALLY don't want to go and see all her unresolved neuroses up on a wall getting applause. (starting vent) She sent DH a brief description of the event and it's kinda weird -- all about her "experiences" with this particular educational institution that she was never enrolled at but DH was, and how she's "abandoning" her old understandings and bravely understanding things in a new artistic way. (end vent)

Maybe this is it -- I dread going through another FOG-gy experience where she superficially is "healthy" and nice about DH but the subtext is all negative and blaming. I'm feeling those old feelings of massive anxiety and nausea again because I anticipate a situation where she and Stepdad "perform" their "emotional health" in front of DH and I and the kids, and their friends applaud how great they are, while we're standing there knowing the truth and watching the kids eat it all up.

I think I need to go, for the kids. I'm really struggling with how to manage how I'm feeling now and how I think I'll feel then. I don't like being roped into being a supporting actor in Mom and Stepdad's heroic play, but I'm not sure how to step outside this one but still do what the kids need.

[GaGrl]

That's not a level of weird that I would sign up for as a step-parent.

I reallt, really tried the cooperative approach with DH's ex, until I fully accepted the level of her dysfunctionality. Then I detached.

I mean, I detached.

DH has minimal contact now. I have none. The children are adults, but we do share grandchildren.

I still get the occasional question, "Why doesn't Gagrl like me?" Wow, let me count the ways... .do you think it might have something to do with the stress-related health issues that DH experiences after 30 years of dealing with an uNPD/BPD, or the STD that keeps on giving, or the adult children all needing therapy to resolve their relationship with Mom?

So, my question would be " At what age of your stepchildren can you detach from what your DH has to participate in, so that you protect your own space and mental health? I know I had to find that place.

[Nope]

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my SD at my best friend's wedding a couple of years ago. Somehow she and I got to talking about how she will one day get married and she expressed to me her anxiety about how all us adults would behave. I told her that there were two people right then and there at that wedding whom I knew from high school and whom I absolutely hate. I asked her to tell me if she could figure out who those two people were. She was shocked because she is hypersensitive about reading the emotions of the adults in her life and had no idea there was anyone in the room that bothered me. I said, "Exactly. That's my point. I'm not here for them. This day isn't about them. This day is about my best friend and having fun and spending time with the people I care about. It'll be the same some day at your wedding."

What she needed, and what kids always need in situations like this, is to know that the trouble maker at an important event won't be *you*. If their mom wants to show them she won't be the problem, then that's great. You won't be the problem either. And the kids will get to feel secure knowing that some day their weddings won't be filled with drama. Sure, we know better. We know that a BPD mom can only hold it together when she is taking center stage. But the kids don't need to know that right now. They only need to know that no matter how irritating the situation is, *you* won't make it awkward for them. Let them find out the bad news about their mom when it becomes relevant.

[Turkish]

That's a great story Nope. Wise words. I'm going to file it away in my canine brain for later... .

[kells76]

At what age of your stepchildren can you detach from what your DH has to participate in, so that you protect your own space and mental health?

When youngest SD is SD18 

It's a fair question. My default mode is to withdraw from what I perceive to be high emotional intensity situations. I've also played it fairly conservatively when it comes to connecting with them -- I don't want to be overbearing or intrusive, or send the message that I'm happier when they have interests that I like.

Last time I met with the kids' counselor, her goals for us were that we have more overlap in our PT (so that the kids see us doing more stuff together), and that I step it up with my involvement with the kids.

It would be more comfortable for me to detach from these Mom- and Stepdad-focused events. I feel like I should go, though, and get out of my comfort zone and show the kids that I can get out of my role of "passive/neutral/not involved" and do a new role of "involved".

I sometimes get stuck in black/white thinking. For this event, I'm getting stuck between "I'll go, and I'll feel overwhelmed and checked out, and I'll probably melt down once our weekend is done" and "I won't go, and I'll feel guilty for not being there for the kids". Kind of a lose-lose. I'm missing other ways of looking at the situation.

Nope, I like your story; thank you   

I think that's a part of why I feel like I should go -- to show the kids that I can go to an event that is focused on/led by another parent and I DON'T have to make myself the star. I'm still running into that feeling, though, that if I go, I become  a "prop" or "extra" in the Glorious Show of Mom/Stepdad (they have some BPD/NPD dynamics so he's always a part of things... .). I don't like feeling like my presence can be used by them and for them, instead of it just being for the kids. I'm struggling with feeling like if I go, I'm sort of a powerless participant in their performance.

I'm also feeling like even if I intellectually grasp that there's a third, jiu-jitsu style option (between not going/feeling guilty & going/feeling miserable), that while my left brain will totally get it, emotionally it's still going to be overwhelming.

That's not a level of weird that I would sign up for as a step-parent.

sigh... .I know, right? Wow... .I know... .

[livednlearned]

I thought I had heard everything, but wow! An art exhibit about her ex. In front of him. In front of the kids. With both step parents. And an audience.

I'd love to hear what you would rather do than this 

My SO's ex (BPD) moved away so the drama is mostly hearsay for me, and the kids are older so court stuff barely registers. Even so, she came down here during a super bizarre weekend that I can't even really describe... .but long story short, she came to pick D23 up at the house and my heart was pounding. Anxiety was somewhere at an 8 on a scale of 1-10. She has said really hurtful things about my own son, so I was feeling really protective about letting her anywhere near him.

I finally have an emotionally safe house and didn't want here in the house, didn't want to be here if she was, wanted to have the house filled with friends to ward off negativity, etc.

Then I saw her pull up.

She didn't know what to do.

My T once told me to become an anthropologist when interacting with my family of origin, to be observant and curious and wonder at the different customs that are unlike my own. It sorta helps... .I can't say it erased my discomfort entirely. T even recommended I take notes, which I didn't do.

With SO's ex, I tried a different method.

She suggested thinking of SO's ex like I would if a foster dog came into my home, and we are going to treat it with compassion and if it misbehaves, decide whether to keep it, or train it, or send it to another home where someone with more skill and patience can take care of it.

I love dogs, and so does my T, so this is meant to be a positive metaphor 

I also got a manicure and pedicure before SO's ex came into our home, and went out for lunch with friends. That night, SO and I took our dog for a nice long hike in the woods. You have to do something you don't want to do, and it's ok to take care yourself before and after and during.

Also, you don't have to stay long.

It's ok to go up and say, hey thanks for inviting me. I have another event to get to, so I wanted to say hi before I head out.

Let the kids know you're leaving.

Then go do something cool 

Is that a possibility for you?

[kells76]

I'd love to hear what you would rather do than this

Oral surgery, getting hit by a bus, boot camp, uncontrollable vomiting, listening to Nickelback... .shall I continue? 

My T once told me to become an anthropologist when interacting with my family of origin, to be observant and curious and wonder at the different customs that are unlike my own.

I think intellectually I get this, and understand why it would be suggested and how it might help. It's sort of a way of structuring interaction over distance. And I also "know" that just because I might show up to Mom's deal doesn't mean I endorse it.

Emotionally, though, I'm still having a hard time with:

How do I translate awareness of the skills I "know" will help into actually doing them? Maybe I'm conflating using the skills with feeling comfortable? Maybe what'll happen is I'll practice those ideas, and I might still feel overwhelmed?

How do I deal with this sense that somehow my presence will get used for Mom's validation? I mean, again, intellectually I get that I can't control how people see me. This sort of thing could be going on all the time, without my awareness, and obviously it wouldn't bother me. It's something about not being in control of the interaction with Mom/Stepdad that really bugs me in a way that with other people it doesn't bug me.

Also, you don't have to stay long.

Hadn't thought of that... .so please keep the painfully obvious suggestions coming.

[livednlearned]

Oral surgery, getting hit by a bus, boot camp, uncontrollable vomiting, listening to Nickelback... .shall I continue?  

 

How do I translate awareness of the skills I "know" will help into actually doing them? Maybe I'm conflating using the skills with feeling comfortable? Maybe what'll happen is I'll practice those ideas, and I might still feel overwhelmed?

I wonder if this is a boundary issue.

Do you feel that going to the event tramples a boundary?

If yes, one way to deal with it is to not go. But maybe that doesn't feel right because the kids have an advocate saying it's better for the kids, and you want to be a good grown up, so you agree to go. Except something about the ex and her partner makes you feel manipulated and used. That could trigger more primal feelings, like something reminiscent of childhood when you felt more or less helpless to say no. Could that be something going on for you?

Feelings like that are tough because we want to find ways to wrangle those emotions while honoring them. Sort of like re-parenting combined with exposure therapy.  

In which case, the goal might be to do the thing you don't want to do (because it's better for the girls), while having some say over how you do it (because that's better for you).

How do I deal with this sense that somehow my presence will get used for Mom's validation? I mean, again, intellectually I get that I can't control how people see me. This sort of thing could be going on all the time, without my awareness, and obviously it wouldn't bother me. It's something about not being in control of the interaction with Mom/Stepdad that really bugs me in a way that with other people it doesn't bug me.

You probably feel manipulated and no one likes that feeling! Ex and her partner roll over boundaries without a second thought, and this event is sort of like a public display of that. It's ok to feel irritated. I would, too.

This is a little different, but maybe it illustrates a similar thing. A woman in my neighborhood rolls over my boundaries -- she isn't mean, but she's needy and manipulative -- and I let her roll over my boundaries for a while until I started to feel used. I began to feel stressed when she would drop by and ask for something, often without warning (I work from home). Cleaning cat litter, putting in new earrings for her, driving her to Costco, lifting heavy things, looking at an infection, giving her dog a shot, dropping her dog's poop bag in the trash  . She has a husband, and he's very available. I couldn't figure it out!

She had a medical issue years ago and I was sympathetic for a while, and then I felt used, so I had to reset boundaries.

I did it in baby steps so I could manage my own comfort levels. First, I stopped responding immediately to texts, if at all. I stopped inviting her in the house when she dropped by unannounced. Instead of opening the door to let her in, I would take a step onto the porch and talk there. Then, I stopped answering the door when she came over during the work day.

A hard thing for me is to end a conversation, so I started to tell her before she started talking that I had 5 min then had to go. I learned how to say, "Let me talk to SO and I'll get back to you" when she asked me to do something. I stopped trying to accommodate her last-minute requests by saying I plan out my week pretty closely and need lots of lead time. I also learned to pay attention to my stress levels -- oftentimes I can do something, but it will mean packing the day pretty full, and that takes away my downtime.

Like a lot of people with no boundaries, she escalated her requests and then the training started to take   and it's better now.

One thing that happened, that I didn't expect, is that she began to focus on SO. Now I have to practice letting SO figure this out for himself. He agrees she is annoying and he is not as triggered as me.

This is about micro-self-care. You are going to this event and it's going to suck. How can you take care of yourself so that it can suck less?

Maybe you tell the kids in advance, "I'm going to attend because I get that this is important to you. It's also not really my thing -- I'm more of a movie or book person. So I may hang around for X minutes and then head out -- I have this other thing to do."

Or, maybe you tell the ex you'll be there for a bit but have other things to do so won't be there long.

Or you don't tell anyone, just go and see how you feel and leave when you've checked in with yourself and decided it's time to go.

You could also talk to the girls after about the event, to equalize it. "I felt a little ... .uncomfortable. How did you feel?" Have a conversation about how they felt, if they are able to do that at this point. Give yourself an opportunity to say how you felt art is powerful when the artist works through it, but what about the people in the audience experiencing it? Maybe connect it to a movie or something, where you wonder how people feel who are profiled?

I don't know. It seems like there are micro ways to take care of yourself so that the discomfort does not become intolerable, and that you can do this while strengthening the relationships of the people you DO care about, like yourself   your DH, and the girls.

[kells76]

something about the ex and her partner makes you feel manipulated and used. That could trigger more primal feelings, like something reminiscent of childhood when you felt more or less helpless to say no. Could that be something going on for you?

Yup.

(Moderators -- if this is turning into a personal work vs coparenting thread, feel free to move it if needed)

I'll continue to reply to more of the questions a little later, but for starters, I struggle with dealing with people who "take up all the space in the room". When that happens, I both feel pretty angry and also withdraw.

the goal might be to do the thing you don't want to do (because it's better for the girls), while having some say over how you do it (because that's better for you).

Yup... .

[Turkish]

We merged the coparenting board with legal so nowhere wise else to move it  

[Panda39]

Oral surgery, getting hit by a bus, boot camp, uncontrollable vomiting, listening to Nickelback... .shall I continue? 

Wow this cracked me up Kells! 

I like where LnL is going with crossing boundaries (your gut is telling you something) and I also see a conflict between what you want to do (stay the heck away from this dog and pony show!) and what you feel you should do (be there to support the kids).  I absolutely hate that conflicted place and before I really understood being there I would have complete meltdowns because of the indecision.

For me I have learned that when I get in that place I now choose what I want to do.  Going out of a sense of obligation to the kids/husband, or fear the therapist will criticize your decision just isn't going to make it a fun evening.  Pick a different event to attend with mom and the kids.  This is only one event there will be others.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

For me I have learned that when I get in that place I now choose what I want to do.  Going out of a sense of obligation to the kids/husband, or fear the therapist will criticize your decision just isn't going to make it a fun evening.  Pick a different event to attend with mom and the kids.  This is only one event there will be others.

Or perhaps seek a different perspective?  Is there any way to transform it in your mind so that the good parts of the event will counterbalance or overshadow the icky parts?

[kells76]

perhaps seek a different perspective?  Is there any way to transform it in your mind

I think that's a part of what I'm feeling like I should do.

I now choose what I want to do

Along with this -- just needing to make a decision about what I will do.

So somehow I need to combine a shift in perspective on this "show" with some good tools for if I choose to go. Or, if I choose not to go, dealing with the guilt in a healthy way.

More later... .

[livednlearned]

So somehow I need to combine a shift in perspective on this "show" with some good tools for if I choose to go.

Is this specific event representing a bigger trigger? Family kind of events do that  

Or, conversely, is something else raising the threshold, in which case it can be easier to get triggered.

Or, so many things have built up, this event is feeling like a litmus test?

I also like Panda39's advice that you can choose to not go.

I was invited to SO's niece's wedding, and there was talk that his ex was invited. I went through every emotion I have.

What a darn roller coaster

I ended up going, and she didn't (turned out she wasn't invited).

A few takeaways: No matter how much thinking and processing I do, there is always something unexpected that changes how the scenario actually plays out.

Another takeaway: My values are good and when things fall in line behind them, I fare better, even when the boundary stuff is uncomfortable. Sometimes I don't have a full cup. Sometimes I do. I am better at handling boundary busters when I have a full cup.

For you, it sounds like you really, really show up. You're a soldier! If this event makes you feel   then maybe that day you decide that you need to fill your cup another way. This stuff is hard -- these are the hardest relationships -- and taking a day off is deserved. Knowing your own limits is a great feeling.

Or, if I choose not to go, dealing with the guilt in a healthy way.

Who will you be letting down?

I have found when I think I'm letting someone down, I head that stuff off at the pass by communicating. SO's D20 has a lot of needs, and her BPD stuff can really trigger me. It can be helpful to tell her in advance what I'm able to do. "When you come to visit, I'll be working so I'm bummed I won't be able to go do x with you, like you were hoping. I can't wait to hear about it though! Maybe we can do something after I'm done with work. It won't be as fun, but at least I'll have a chance to do something with you."

Lots of expectation management  

[livednlearned]

I was thinking about your situation this weekend.

Something didn't sit quite right.

It's this:

He talked about it with the kids' counselor and decided that it would be a good double bind for her. Either she portrays him in a positive/neutral light and that's good for the kids, or she portrays him in a negative light which shows the kids what she's all about.

Doesn't it also show that he put himself and them in a weird situation, endorsed by the T?

I was trying to picture how this might go down in my situation, and it made me puzzled why the kids' T would tell your DH he should go.

Why not say to the kids, "Mom is having an art exhibit and she let me know in advance that some of it will make reference to me. It's her choice to make this a public event, and it's my choice to stay home. I don't know how it will make me feel, and I don't want you to feel responsible for me because that might feel awkward and I want you guys to have your own experience without worrying how I feel. I'll be here to listen to any feelings you want to share, and I'll be here if you don't want to say anything at all. I love you guys and this is one of those odd moments when it's hard to know what the best thing is to do, so here's hoping this is the better decision."

That way they get to see your DH take care of himself while looking out for them.

And you don't have to go  

[GaGrl]

Sometimes I'm just in a better place to tolerate DH's ex that I am at other times.

Right now, I'm in a good place.  We will be traveling to see my SD and granddaughter in a few weeks for GD17's birthday.  My SD does a really good job keeping visits with DH and me "Ex-free," but Ex invariably tries to figure out a reason to "drop something off" while we are visiting. However, next year will be high school graduation, and due to graduation party and limited number of graduation ceremony tickets, I expect the Ex to be in the middle of everything that goes on that week.  I will need to get my head in a different place.

[kells76]

Good point for clarification:

Doesn't it also show that he put himself and them in a weird situation, endorsed by the T?

I was trying to picture how this might go down in my situation, and it made me puzzled why the kids' T would tell your DH he should go.

So Mom works on this stuff at her house, and has already had it displayed (just for her? whatever... .) there. The kids have already seen the exhibit (involves multiple images, not just of DH) at Mom's house. Discussion with T was about DH responding to Mom's request to use this image (which she already had, from the Olden Days) with her "poetic" captioning.

I have a sneaky feeling that Mom had already finished her project, realized DH would probably see it at some point, and retroactively decided to "ask permission" to cover her tracks.

You're right; it would be weird if T told DH or myself that we "should" go. She didn't, which is good. For me at least, though, I think I'm trying to connect the dots that T has suggested using the circumstances that come up -- Mom is having this show, T would like to see me take more of a leadership role with the kids, how can I be a grown-up and go and model positive behavior.

And, after talking about it with DH, he's proposing to Mom that they switch weekends -- so that the kids get to have MORE time at Mom's show, because we'd "probably have to leave early". Thanks DH

It's looking like what I'll do is go with DH (after the lecture part  ), bring some nice flowers to Mom, say "Great show Wow!", find some other friend to talk to for five minutes, and leave. Or maybe no flowers... .

[livednlearned]

ok got it  

Did the T elaborate on what she means by model positive behavior?

What does she mean by you taking a leadership role with the kids?

With SO's adult daughters (20, 23) I ask myself this all the time.

The girls come very close to asking me for guidance. Honestly, I'm kinda conflicted on how far to take things.

I could really get up in their business  

Mostly, I ask them clarifying questions, keep my mind open, ask them how they feel. Sometimes I offer up ways I have dealt with similar issues.

I notice both girls have a higher than average tolerance for difficult/dramatic behavior in their peer relationships. Maybe that's just early 20s kind of stuff?

It seems like you don't want to share with the ex how you really feel. Instead of congratulating her, could you find something else more close to how you really feel? "You must feel excited to have people come see your work."

Or something that doesn't make you feel like you're betraying yourself?

About the flowers, personally I think you should buy them for yourself  

You deserve them!

[BasementDweller]

Gagrl - your description of things you would rather do than attend this event had me in stitches. 

I commend you on your patience in all this, and I suspect this event will either end up being totally dull and anti-climactic or downright bizarro. Please update on how it goes if you do eventually attend. It's anybody's guess what the contents of the presentation will end up being. 

[kells76]

Did the T elaborate on what she means by model positive behavior?

What does she mean by you taking a leadership role with the kids?

One of the things T has wanted the four of us adults to do is shake up the "roles" that the kids see us in (especially how SD12 sees/has seen us). For a while it was/is Mom is Victim, Stepdad is Hero/Rescuer, Dad is Villain/Persecutor, and kells76 is... .well, they weren't sure, but something like "not really in a role".

T said DH has done great work and Mom is trying really hard (though hamstrung by her own frustrations at times). Stepdad, according to T, is not participating. Which bothers me, but at the end of the day, all I can work on is me.

She'd like me to (a) have more of A Role, which would counter the previous narrative of "kells76 doesn't have a role in this", and also (b) for it to be about more assertive decision-making involving the kids -- not in terms of overstepping into parental arenas like discipline per se, but more in terms of "OK, here's what we're doing this weekend" instead of "What would you guys like to do this weekend, I'm flexible".

The "I'm flexible, let's do what you want" approach did help in some ways, I think, during the Bad Years. I'm hoping it showed the kids one option for keeping situations calm and that you don't always get exactly what you want. But now, in order to shake up the "narrative", T thinks it's important for me to model assertiveness.

This is definitely challenging, and loops back to the whole ":)o I go to Mom's art exhibit even when I don't want to, for the kids' sake" question. Is it an either/or between what's good for the kids and what kells76 wants to do? What if it's good for the kids to see me say No to Mom's thing? Or to say No in general? A lot of times I frame these situations to myself as something like "here's this thing that I don't really want to do, but it'd be the Right Thing to go, and be supportive, and be an adult, and suck it up. That's just how life is, you do the right thing no matter what, and you be responsible, and if you never get to do what you want, well that's just tough."

It's almost like I automatically classify tough situations that I don't want to do as The Right Thing, which entails that I have to do it, and also that it's a lose-lose. I find it hard to escape that binary classification mode and come up with middle ways (like, maybe the best thing for the kids can be the same as the best thing for me, and what I want to do).

The girls come very close to asking me for guidance. Honestly, I'm kinda conflicted on how far to take things.

The girls haven't been explicit about asking me for what to do, which is fine. I do a great job wanting to tell them what to do anyway   

Mostly, I ask them clarifying questions, keep my mind open, ask them how they feel. Sometimes I offer up ways I have dealt with similar issues.

This is about where I'm at with them. I don't think what their T means by me being assertive would be me telling them what to do -- I think this is more it, that I assert that I'm a presence in their lives and that I can be there when issues come up for them, instead of quietly fading away so that I don't "bother" them or "interfere".

... .

Instead of congratulating her, could you find something else more close to how you really feel? "You must feel excited to have people come see your work."

Nice move. I think Mom would be thrilled to hear me talk about how she feels 

... .

both girls have a higher than average tolerance for difficult/dramatic behavior in their peer relationships. Maybe that's just early 20s kind of stuff?

Oh yeah. 19 to 23 were not my prime decision-making years. Looking back on some friendships and relationships, it's so clear to me that I had little sense of when peers' behaviors were healthy or disordered. This might be par for the course at that age, not necessarily a BPD fleas thing.

... .


and last but not least, thanks BasementDweller for your input. I can almost promise you that with Stepdad there, there will be Drama and Attention and Spotlights and A Dominating Presence. Yay    and yet I can decide to make it dull and anti-climactic... .for me   Will keep you all posted on how it goes when it happens... .

[livednlearned]

T thinks it's important for me to model assertiveness.

It sounds to me like she trusts you, and wants whatever you are bringing to be more apparent.

Nice job  

A lot of times I frame these situations to myself as something like "here's this thing that I don't really want to do, but it'd be the Right Thing to go, and be supportive, and be an adult, and suck it up. That's just how life is, you do the right thing no matter what, and you be responsible, and if you never get to do what you want, well that's just tough."

That is normal range type thinking, and probably works fine when you're in a normal range type parenting or family situation.

With someone who is BPD, I think the subtle things that could slide in civilian times get amplified.

That means treating your assertiveness like a counterweight to extreme PD emotional immaturity, even when your assertiveness might feel selfish, and when standing behind your decision to take care of yourself. Communicating things in a skilled way is the key to this.

If you tell the girls beforehand that you won't be going to mom's event, and instead are doing something else, that falls under doing The Right Thing too, because it provides an alternative narrative to ":)oing Crazy Things No Matter What." Maybe you let them know that if they want to talk about the show, you are there to listen. And if they have questions about why you aren't going, they can ask you questions.

It's almost like I automatically classify tough situations that I don't want to do as The Right Thing, which entails that I have to do it, and also that it's a lose-lose. I find it hard to escape that binary classification mode and come up with middle ways (like, maybe the best thing for the kids can be the same as the best thing for me, and what I want to do).

I wonder if the missing piece here is finding good phrases to summarize how you feel. This is where therapy has been so helpful for me -- finding ways to say things that are true to my feelings while also putting responsibility for other people on them for how they feel, and somehow validating everyone at the same time. A miracle, really  

This is about where I'm at with them. I don't think what their T means by me being assertive would be me telling them what to do -- I think this is more it, that I assert that I'm a presence in their lives and that I can be there when issues come up for them, instead of quietly fading away so that I don't "bother" them or "interfere".

Don't Alienate the Kids by Bill Eddy does a great job describing what assertiveness looks like when parenting kids who have a BPD parent. He basically applies the same stuff in his book Splitting, but reframes it for parenting: helping you to role model flexible thinking, managed emotions, and moderate behaviors in response to PD antics. I had an aha moment that helped me stop focusing on what my ex was doing, and start paying attention to what I was doing, not just my words but my actions.

If you find a way to tell the girls you won't be at the event because you feel conflicted, and aren't sure why -- without insulting their mom or making it into a righteous choice, it may signal to them that you take care of yourself, even when you aren't sure why you feel the way you do.

You model boundaries and self-care  

[kells76]

It's the update you've all been waiting for... .

So, on the plus side, we were having such a good time together at dinner the other night that we left late for the event. Not even trying to be late, it just happened, but we missed the whole lecture-discussion at the start. Whew.

Got there, hugs goodbye, SD10 immediately found a friend and just played -- 0% interest in Mom's show (fortunately)... .

SD12 wandered for a bit looking for her friends. DH & I started "looking" at the show (I mostly focused on a spot on the wall a few inches above the pieces). Surprise, it wasn't just the photos like we thought! Mom had (I kid you not) photocopied pages from her journal and artistically arranged them on the walls. I missed this one but apparently there was a "lift-the-flap" where you could lift this bit of paper to see whose head it was on the naked photo. DH didn't do it but was concerned it was him.

SD12 was unexpectedly clingy with me and to some extent DH. She said she felt "strange". I asked her what felt strange and she said seeing all the photos up together. I said maybe it was different from seeing them at Mom's house and she said yes. I asked if she needed to be close to somebody right now or not, and she said she would be OK. I let her and DH know I was going to go take care of myself by taking a walk and I'd be back in 5 minutes.

I think my mistake was then to ask if she wanted to come along too -- looking back, I think she is so sensitive to when adults are even slightly distressed that she takes those "open-ended" offers as something she needs to do to "take care of" adults. So, I wish I hadn't done that.

SD12 came along, and we looked for her friends' cars outside. I let her know that I was working on finding a balance between being supportive and taking care of myself. We met up with DH outside. He talked about how he was feeling (he's a private person, doesn't process his feelings externally like this show, having a hard time being in there). SD13 said that she doesn't process externally either... .

So, on the one hand, SD12 is definitely past the stage of "defend Mom at all costs". But I'm concerned that she's feeling like she needs to take care of how DH and I feel, and that she's telling us what she thinks we want to hear (that she feels "strange" and "processes internally" like we do).

I didn't give flowers to Mom,  ... .She did text DH later that night to say "thank you so much for coming, I knew it couldn't be easy for you" Whaaaaa... .?

So it wasn't as overwhelming for me as I thought, but it was more for DH. And I am concerned about SD12 in this.

One more plus side -- our sub-community in our town is pretty small, so even though DH & I didn't know this ahead of time, our counselor was there. Let's just say that even though we didn't chat, I saw some raised eyebrows. We have a session coming up soon and I will be very interested to hear his take.

I told DH Gagrl's line when we were driving home -- how she "would not have signed up for that level of weird" as a stepparent. That got a smile.

Lots to process.

[ForeverDad]

A naked photo on a school display?  I'll bet the counselor "lifted the flap" to see who and what scenario was underneath... .

[kells76]

We went back tonight, because DH realized that if it was of him, he would need to get an email/text trail ASAP that it was NOT ok with him.

Photo wasn't him, fortunately.

Only here can I tell this sort of story and have it not be the weirdest thing you've heard. Though am I in the running for a prize?

[Turkish]

I'm still trying to process how a small community would take this... .weird. I'm glad that you and your family got though it mostly unscathed.   

[ForeverDad]

I don't know if we've awarded any prizes but I recall one longtime member here (marlo6277) recounting that her DH's Ex signed a settlement with a purple crayon!  Hey, it got signed and filed, that's the important thing.

[kells76]

Believe me, I'm still trying to figure it out, too.

So, the show was at the small private college where DH and Stepdad both went. Mom never took any official classes there. The college has been trying recently to pivot back to its original mission (hint, not involving weird naked pics in art shows).

The closest I can figure is that in Mom's pitch to whoever made the go-ahead decision, she did not accurately or fully describe everything that would be in the show.

Otherwise, I'm left with the scenario that the decider knew about all the BS and still gave it the ok, which would be kind of hurtful, because DH has actually gone back and done some really good work for the college. Stepdad has been trying to also be allowed to go back and help but has been turned down by wiser heads. It's complicated.

Anyway, I'm processing some anger about the whole scenario now, because Mom's actions seem really intrusive and overpowering, even though she likes to portray herself as someone who "just wants people to have a voice". The whole way the photos were presented, nobody had a voice but Mom (and Stepdad).

I think I have some anger at myself, too, like I should have figured out a way to not leave the kids there. Or like DH & I should have been tough enough to stay for the whole time and then bring the kids back with us like normal. Instead we made it a transition time and cut the weekend short. I feel guilty about that.

[Turkish]

Do you think the kids will hold it against you,  or move past this given they are teens and you only have a few more short years to deal with these things?

[kells76]

I think SD10 will do ok with it -- she had a friend to play with and was in that zone. She generally does better with the transitions and schedule changes anyway.

I don't think SD12 picked up on the guilt -- her radar is really more for emotional distress. I think she did the best she could by telling us that she felt "strange", but I would bet you that she told Mom that she loved it and had a great time. Just the best strategy she has right now.

I am curious to know what situations they will be asking about down the road. We talk about the strangeness of memory and how it works, now and then. There are some fun trips we took about 4 years ago that they barely remember.

[Turkish]

My buddy took his kids on an RV trip from California to Yellowstone. They were 4 6 and 8. Hr was frustrated that they didn't remember much.  He spent a lot of money.  Kids are kids.