How to create stability in my relationship

[goodelf]

Hi BPD family,

I learned last week from our therapist that my husband has BPD. I feel like so many of his erratic and confusing behaviors are now explained. I have mixed feelings of knowing finally what is causing his Jekyl and Hyde behavior and also deeply concerned. We have 2 young children together and I don’t know if this is the best environment for them. Can my husband get better? He is starting medication and therapy. The therapist has not told him yet about the diagnosis.

Thank you for listening... .I have not told anyone about the diagnosis except my mom...    

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Hi and Welcome!

You will get lots of useful supprot and advice here. Please come back often and post lots!


The new diagnosis certainly creates mixed feelings. It's good to know you're sane! but now you can see the road ahead of you.

It does get better! Well, perhaps HE doesn't get better, but you can get better. This site is mostly about how YOU can learn to work with him better, to trigger him less, to understand him more, and to protect yourself (emotionally) to be able to support him and your kids better.

YOUR learning will have a good affect on your sanity, and your children's. You will also be able to educate your kids on why dad is acting a certain way, and how they can better relate to him to feel more in control. Whether he gets better or not you will have to wait and see.

How old are your children?

[LovingDad]

Hi Goodelf,

Welcome!

I can rely to your feeling. I figured out a couple of weeks ago that my wife has BPD. My therapist confirmed it. My wife does nog know she has it and according to my therapist she will deny it.

In the last weeks I have read the book 'The Borderline guide' and have a weekly session with my therapist. Last week I started to use what I have read in small things. According to my therapist 'I'm taking my space back'. This week I'm already seeing small changes by her. That gives me hope.

I don't know if she can recover from this, but I can only help her by changes the way I handle her BPD. Hopefully she will change with me together. I pray for that.

I have learned in the last weeks that I can only change my own behavior. That's where I have to start.

I hope you will find a way to help your loved one.

I wish you all the best.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome goodelf *Welcome*

So glad you found us. How are you doing since getting a diagnosis? How is your H handling it?

I think there is hope. DBT can really help if the pwBPD is willing to put in the work. LovingDad hit the nail on the head in learning that changing your behavior can help you handle the difficult moments easier. What would you say is the one thing you struggle with the most?

[goodelf]

Thanks so much for your responses. I realize that I have been under a tremendous amount of stress and need to figure out how to get healthier and as you have wisely mentioned, be responsible for my own behavior.

I struggle the most with the feeling of constantly walking on eggshells. I’m always trying to stay two steps ahead to try to avoid conflict or setting him off. I’m trying to stay very compassionate toward him and give him the space for his therapy and medication to hopefully settle in.

Is it fair to raise young children around someone that can be destructive? I struggle between the love and loyalty I have for my partner and the well-being of our kids.