My daughter has BPD

[RedRobin]

I always knew something was wrong, but I was told that it was me not being good at setting boundaries; (which was true; the part about me, but not that that was the reason for her acting out. I am or was, not very good at setting boundaries, but I am better now - so much better that I have told my daughter she cannot come to my apartment for now, because she is being physically abusive with me) but then why were my parenting skills working with my other two children?

When she was 18 we finally got the diagnosis BPD and it has been a rollercoaster of not so qualifed therapy and now finally we seem to have found a psychologist (or a couple) who knows what she is talking about and I am so relieved.

At the same time, my daughter is acting up again, after a period of seemingly calm, and as she said herself: maybe I am self-sabotaging? In any case - a couple of days ago she went berserk on me over a minute thing (as you all probably know that's how it goes) - she screamed and jumped on the floor and hit me and the neighbors called the police. My heart was pounding so fast I thought I was having a heart attack, she could tell and said to me later: the scary part is, I could see how badly you felt, but I didn't care. She does always care when she has calmed down though, and is extremely apologetic. In any case, I could not deal with having her there, so the police helped her get to her boyfriend.

She has been living with me (she is 21) even though she has had an apartment for half a year, waiting on her. I've tried to get her to live there, but she feels that I am 'kicking her out' even though it is a 'normal' time for someone to live on their own. In any case I have now told her she cannot come back here for now, but that we can talk on text and later on meet out, in a cafe or a park, because I cannot have her here anymore as she also breaks everything and I don't have a home any longer and also of course because of my own safety - and her own.

This is a mouthful and I am not sure how well I have expressed myself or what I am looking for with this - probably some support as that's what this group is about.

My daughter fought me - verbally - yesterday, all day, in text, trying to make me feel guilty and told me I was a 'bad mother' and she always had known this was coming and so on and on. But late night she seemed to have calmed down and understands what is going on. I kept reassuring her that I love her, and that I am not leaving her, I am just taking care of both of us, and that I am sorry I haven't been better at setting those boundaries earlier (even though I have tried) and that I am doing this to help her even if it doesn't look that way to her.

This morning she wrote me and said she understands and she loves me, and she will work hard on her therapy. I know that can change again, but it made me feel a little better. I never thought it would come to this - but it has. And it's so sad because she is such a beautiful and intelligent girl with many talents and I so want her to be able to enjoy life just a little bit. That's it for now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi RedRobin

Welcome to the bpdfamily 

Even though under dark circumstances, Im glad you found us and Im sorry for what you are going through.

I can relate to so much of your post; the abuse and personal attacks, particularly relating to not being supported/or abandoned.

It sounds like you are doing well in setting boundaries and sticking to them even if it spikes her behaviour.    well done for staying strong.

It is positive that she knows aboit the diagnosis and is willing to engage in therapy. Despite my DD27 being diagnosed, she denies she has this disorder and never ever apologises and thinks I need therapy.

You sound tired. Arr you taking some time for you? Please check the board. There is a wealth of information.

Keep sharing, we care about what you are going through

Merlot

[bluek9]

 Hi RedRobin,

               I echo everything Merlot had to say. Welcome to this board. I hope you find in short order the support you are so in need of. If you haven't yet, check out the whole site, read other posts, look over the lessons. You will find this space filled with lots of other parents just like yourself. One of the lessons is called "be aware of the emotional limits of BPD". I can share with you my daughter who is 35 has been physically abusive to me a few times. It is so scary and upsetting. I'm very happy to hear that you are working on your boundaries. It can be really tough, especially like you said "why were my parenting skills working with my other kids". That statement says so much. Not only about your parenting skills but also about the fact of how different BPD can make it for us to interact with our kids. Yes may need help with the boundaries but, it's not you mom. Your daughter has a mental illness that effects her in every way. My daughter too is beautiful, smart, funny and has so many good things going for her. I hope this will help you, I had to find another way a new way of seeing my daughter. We as parents have to hand tuff, educate ourselves and find if you will, a back door to get to our kids. I hope you keep posting.