Over Easter she torched her car to make a point

[bc-man]

Wife with BPD. Where do I even begin? Verbal and emotional abuse, I even got smacked several times. Truth twisting. Nothing is her fault. Debt. Get blamed for everything. Four serious suicide attempts (from her side). Got kicked out several times (but she says I left!). More debt. I try to stay calm, I try to validate her feelings as much as I can but it seems to achieve the opposite. Staying calm seems to provoke even more intense outbursts. Over Easter she torched her car to make a point. Validating seems to confirm her in her behaviour. Every time I stay (even just silently watching TV!) she feels attacked, every time I go (to another room, into the garage, almost every morning when leaving for work!) I get accused of not caring. Where do you guys find the strength? How do you manage? Leaving is not an option. Can't go into detail. Need to make it work. How?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Foursome]

For one you need to make sure and focus on you.  Read up about boundaries and set some.

I would also suggest therapy if not for her then for yourself.

Keep posting and reading on this forum.

I am sorry your going through all this. I really hope it gets better soon.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome bc-man

Your situation sounds tough and intense. Sorry you are going through this.

Staying calm is important, but I know it can be really hard when faced with intense accusations and anger. You mentioend that you try to validate her, can you share an example of what that looks like?

What happened on Easter that caused her to torch her car? Is she handling the consequences of this on her own, such as insurance issues, finding a way to work or to run errands, etc?

[isilme]

 

bc-man,

Hi there, welcome.

Boundaries - It sounds like things are very turbulent for you.  I wills say one of the first boundaries to establish is no physical harm.  Easier said than done, but leaving the situation (even while being baited with "you just don't care" is better than allowing yourself to be smacked or risking a physical escalation.  Or arson.   

Suicide threats - this one is difficult for me, having been raised in a BPD household as a child and the taboo of contacting authorities is very strong in me, but other members who face this have done so.  I hope one of them can chime in and give more information about how that went for them - I think sometimes the disorder's desire to control us makes them say things they don't intend, but calling the cops/suicide helpline, can sometimes shake them free from the threats. 

Validation - this does not work once the rage has started.  It's most useful to prevent the build-up to the rage.  There is another post that Tattered Heart started about the Crisis Cycle - I encourage you to look at it.  The communication tools to help keep the cycle from escalating work best way before the Crisis and way after.  Once you've gotten to that point, the best you can do is remove yourself from harm's way, and force her into self-soothing as much as you can by keeping this boundary as much as possible. 

Also, you do not validate the invalid.  If she says "You're mean, and you just don't care about me," you don't validate the statement.  You find a way to say something like, "it must be terrible to believe I don't care about you."  You can validate the feelings, but not her "truth". 

I don't agree with my H when he goes off on how fat and ugly he is and how I only stay with him because I am desperate. That's an invalid statement.  I try to tell him I am sorry that he is so down on himself and does not seem to ever like how he looks. 

Staying calm - this is actually seen by a disordered person as a type of invalidation, and will make them angrier.  don't mistake me, I am not saying get angry back, shout or scream back.  But BPD wants you to SHARE and feel what they feel.  So if they re mad, they want you mad, to validate their feelings (and to sometimes ret-con it to where you were mad making them mad, even though the order is backward).  Knowing this, knowing that sometimes when H starts poking at me, being critical, I see that his emotions are out of whack again and he needs to have a fight to vent them out.  I try not to oblige. 

Debt - who works and who manages the money?  This is a hard thing for most couples, regardless of BPD, and can take time to get squared away.  Sadly, when BPD IS involved, the person with it often has poor Executive Control - they are impulsive and make spur of the moment decisions based on their emotional state.  Meaning, they can spend money like crazy if getting new things gives them an emotional boost.  You may need to slowly assert custodianship over the finances. 

You asked about strength?  It sounds silly, but this community is one place I managed to find some.  Simply writing and talking with other people who beleive me is really helpful.  So helpful. 

[bc-man]

Thanks for your replies so far! I will read through it them more carefully when I get a quiet moment.

Regardless of what mood she is in when she talks to me (she only talks about how wonderful she is and how terrible I'm) I listen, ask questions, make sure I understand (not the facts but her emotions), ask a couple of questions and then reply with something like 'Oh, that must have been horrible / great / nice / (put name of emotion here)!', 'Oh God, how did you get out of this / cope with this / how did you make that work ... .' or 'Well done!', 'Great job!'. I have learnt, it's never about the other person it's about my wife and how she feels.

Easter Saturday I told my wife I'd go to a friend's place for a couple of beers. He lives half an hour up the road on a nice block. Usually we sit in front of the fire and sometimes we talk, sometimes don't. She knows my friend, she knows what such evenings look like cause she has been there but for some reason thinks we are conspiring against her. That night she screamed 'You wanna sit at a ***** ***** ***** fire? I will get you a fire!' ran into the garage, got some petrol and set her car on fire. I ended up dealing with the insurance claim myself cause last time she had to handle something like this on a much smaller scale when her phone was stolen the whole thing fizzled out cause the guys thought she was nuts. She contradicted herself so many times that every couple of days they got to hear a different story. I also dealt with the claim as I didn't want to have the cops on my neck. A couple of months ago I locked the front door when going to work. She called the cops that I 'imprisoned her'.

I have heard of the boundary setting. Will read up on that too! Thank you!

I'd love to know: With BPD it's ALL about this person's emotions, how can you make that person understand I'm going to get a couple of beers cause I need a break? I'm not leaving you, I'm going to work to pay your bills (and get a break).

'You asked about strength?  It sounds silly, but this community is one place I managed to find some.  Simply writing and talking with other people who beleive me is really helpful.' ... .You are so right! I found even the counsellors and psychs don't understand what it's like on this side. A lot of them don't believe this side of the story cause it's not in their text books.

[bc-man]

Just remembered a big one I'd need help with please!

if we spend too much then I must cut down on spending - She spent five hundred $ on a new phone and I spent twenty on gas. So I must cut down on spending.

She has the disorder but feels I need to take medication for it. That's actually a big one causing a lot of issues.

She has a drinking problem but I need to stop drinking the above mentioned couple of beers and talk to the doctor about the drinking.

How to deal with this one?

[Tattered Heart]

I personally would let her handle all the insurance stuff. If she messes it up, then it's on her because she is the one who set her car on fire. Maybe she will reconsider next time. Even if not, she is getting to deal with the natural consequences of being erratic and spontaneous. She can do these things because she is able to get away with it with no consequences.

As for going to hang out with friends so that she doesn't get angry. We have a tool called SET . This has become one of my favorite tools to use. Basically when you are needing to say something to your pwBPD that you know she may see as a form of rejection (such as going to hang out with a friend) you are supportive, empathetic first, then you share the truth.

So for me it looks like this:
I know Sundays are usually our day together. It's important to me that we spend time together on our days off. Friend invited me over for a couple hours Sunday evening so I'm going to go hang out. I'll be home around 8 and we can spend the rest of the evening together.

Do you think you could say something like that? How do you think she will respond to it?