New Member here to find ways to communicate with daughter that dont set her off

[Mom D]

My husband and I have a grown daughter with BPD, sort of officially diagnosed.  By that I mean that 10 years ago she was having trouble in a relationship, and thought she was bipolar and saw a psychiatrist for one appointment only who told her she had BPD.  I didn't know what that meant, was relieved that she wasn't Bipolar, and left it at that.  Since then things have gotten worse, to the point where I have reconsidered this BPD diagnosis, have received some short-term counselling, and was referred to the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells", which I found very helpful.  I have also read "the essential family guide to BPD" and others, and have just ordered the workbook to "Stop Walking... .".  I had asked my counsellor for information on support groups and was pleased to find this website.   But did not join.  Now our relationship with our daughter has worsened, and her situation has deteriorated (she is finding employment very difficult) and we are now supporting her financially.  A situation that we are managing for now but are not happy about.  My goal in joining is for support and for information on how to communicate in a way that doesn't "set her off".  For months now we have not been communicating at her request because I said something online that made her feel I wasn't really listening, didn't take some advice she was giving to heart.  She stated that she didn't want to hear from me until I had gone to a professional counsellor for at least 5 sessions "learning how to communicate to someone who has been abused"!
How's that for a start?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

Sounds about right for a start!  Sorry to hear she's still struggling after all these years.  I have no expert advice, just empathy and complete understanding.  I think you'll be happy you joined because it's amazing the things we learn from each other just by reading each other's experiences.  

[Mutt]

Hi Mom D,

 

Id like to join Faith Spring and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you here, but I am glad that you decided to join us. We don’t focus on the diagnosis we focus on the traits. A pwBPD have low self esteem, feel low self worth, self hate and self loath, are hyper sensitive to rejection, feelings are intensified two thousandfold compared to a non. A pwBPD need a lot of validation, validate what is valid it doesn’t to validate everything like what she repeated back to you. Here’s an article, let me know what your thoughts after reading it.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

[Mom D]

Thank you both for your supportive thoughts and Mutt, I found the article super helpful.  Some of it I recall from books but it went on to explain validation in more detail.  Thanks again.  Now to put it into practice!  easier said than done.

[Feeling Better]

Hello Mom D

I’m so sorry to hear that communication has broken down between yourself and your daughter, I know how painful that can be, my uBPD son broke contact with us over a year ago.

It seems very unfair that you are supporting her financially whilst she maintains no contact. Do you think that you might be able to implement some kind of boundary here?

I am so pleased that you want to learn new ways of communicating with her, there are lots of tools to the right  Listen with Empathy and Don’t React, Respond with S.E.T.  What do you think about taking a look at those? 

[Huat]

Hi MomD.  I join the rest in welcoming you here.

While all of our stories differ to some degree or other, much of what you write resonates with me.  My daughter is 52 now and it has been a long 40 years of conflict, peppered by the occasional calm periods where we were lulled into thinking/hoping all had been sorted out.  There have been many times when there was no communication.  All were instigated by her until this last one where we are standing our ground.  We next meet in joint counselling... .a statement that sends her into a rage. 

I so urge you, MomD, to do your homework and make sure that you learn to look after yourself.  That took me too long to do.  Perhaps... .perhaps... .our situation would be different now had that happened.  Well... .wishful thinking is a waste of time... .one of the lessons that is hard to learn.

I echo Feeling Better in wondering about you supporting her financially while she maintains no contact.  As I wrote, each of our stories are different and each of us has to make decisions along the way.  There is nothing to say that we can't rethink/redo.  See to the right... ."Lesson 2 - If your current approach is not working... .change it."  Boy, that can catch their attention pretty quickly!

Hope to hear more from you, MomD.  As support groups go, this one couldn't be better.  You let your fingers do the work 24/7.  There are no interruptions.  There is lots of support as you work your way through the tangled mess the BPD behaviours can generate.

Huat

[Scout206]

Welcome Mom D
Sorry you had to come here but happy you are here.  I have found an incredible amount of support in this place.  I hope I won't need it forever but I might.  My daughter cut her brother and I out of her life 2 years ago and believe me, I understand all too well the pain you are feeling.   Thankfully, she is self supporting.  When she cut us off I asked that she pay the extra expenses that I had been covering for her -i.e. cellphone, car insurance etc.  I don't know how much financial assistance you are giving to your daughter.  I was generous to my daughter her entire life but apparently, it was never appreciated.  I did totally finance an excellent education for her and consequently was not in the position of having a child who had no other means of support which makes a huge difference.  She also is stable enough to work I should add and I am thankful for that.  If your daughter needs your help to maintain a place to live, food, medical care etc then you are in a very tough spot.  I can not emphasize enough to do things to take care of yourself!   I didn't start doing that soon enough but now I realize how important it is.   Let us know how you are doing.  It is a journey. 
Scout206   

[Mom D]

Thank you, each one of you, for your support.  I am working my way through the "Tools" listed under Family Connections and have learned much.  For example, identifying my own triggers, and then imagining being "triggered" and then imagining a different, better response.
I am really stuck on how to approach the financial situation.  Our daughter is very anxious, and any change can really upset her.  Perhaps suggesting she could help out by working even a few hours a week.  However, she is in the process of trying to find a new career, and doesn't want "just a job".  She just spent all the money we had saved for her education on a technical program which she seemed to really enjoy, and it seemed to be a good fit for her, only to find that when it came to certain "more stressful tasks" she became very anxious and wasn't able to complete the task.  Rather than solve the problem of her anxiety, she has chosen to let her professional license go and "move on" to something else. Just like she has decided to stop dating, as none of her relationships were "working out anyway".  I know she feels very disappointed in herself and in her words "lost".  And I feel lost too in trying to help her.

[wendydarling]

Hi Mom D 

How are you getting on with the tools, the great thing is we can practice them on anyone  .

I'm in a similar situation with my 29DD career/work wise, she lives at home and for now receives a small disability allowance that covers the essentials phone, meds, cat etc. She gave up work end of 2016 to concentrate on getting well full time, she's worked hard at it. She also wants to change her career (she has a BA Hons) and I can understand why, I did at a similar age. Something more in line with her values, she'll pass the 2 year course (£15+k), question is can/will she put it into practice, just drop it at the first hurdle? For now she's on a promise of some work with a social enterprise, that she knows helping people like her back into work ... .taking it gently as a first step back in.  Though in all honesty I can see struggles ahead similar to those you raise bunking out, follow through stressful situations she can't handle, keep to plan/goals, confidence. I'm hoping this promise of work comes through and see where she gets to with that. Only she can do this. If she is unable to get, keep down a job because of her disorder and then in all reality she'll be looking at long term disability allowance. I'm trying to keep it realistic. I have considered some coaching. The thought of work situations triggers. I'm not sure that helps you. Your daughter says she's 'lost', is she receiving any treatment, helping herself work through the issues?

[Mom D]

wendydarling,
Yes, it all does sound very familiar!
Our daughter was in therapy several years ago for about 2 years, then quit because she felt she had "plateaued" and I haven't been able to convince her to go back into treatment.  I know she is afraid of having "meds" pushed on her, and otherwise always seems to have a reason why she doesn't want to do it.
I hope your situation goes as well as it can.  Being realistic sounds like a good attitude to have.

[wendydarling]

Yes, it all does sound very familiar!

Yes it does Mom D! my DD spent 14 months in out patients DBT till last Sept - she'd have continued but the UK NHS only fund circa 12 months. She's kept in touch with a couple of peers and met up with one last week.

Does your daughter know you are doing all this work to better understand her, her situation and her disorder, you say you've not been in communication for some months.

Guess the big question is how long are you prepared to finance her?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mom D]

No, she isn't aware of what I am doing but in her last communication she asked that I learn some skills in how to communicate better with her. I will let her know when I am more confident in these. I have ordered a workbook, the accompanying one to Mason and Kreger's Stop Walking on Eggshells and would like to get started on that before I initiate any communication with her.

It sounds like your DD is making an effort!
I am finding the "tools" very helpful, I am also working my way through the "lessons". Thank you again for referring me to that link.