Inappropriate Self Invite Tantrum to Attend Wedding

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Hi all,

Has anyone else experienced this. 

I just found out yesterday that my husband's ex wife (pwBPD = my stepkids' mom) tried to force (quite aggressively as I've heard) an invite for herself to a wedding which happened two years ago this coming summer. 

The groom: is my husband's best friend's from University, son, and like family, refers to my husband as 'uncle' and vice versa with my step kids.  My husband's  ex wife used to be a teaching assistant for the groom's mother (best friend's wife) 25 years ago, which is how they met.   

By sheer coincidence,  the ex's and kids' dental hygienist, we found out only recently, is the mother of the bride.  The two married kids have been together since high school, they are now mid 20's.  I don't know specifically how she (the ex) came across this person (hygienist) and made the connection together, but suffice to say has been snooping into the (our) friends' business(updates) via the hygienist when she and the kids go for their check ups.   

When the ex wife and my husband divorced, she was adamant that she 'did not need HIS friends' and that she 'had HER OWN friends'.    We thought that was that.  Great.  The kids and my husband and I frequently visit these friends for special occasions, holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc especially when the kids are out of school, to catch up with 'uncle' and 'aunt' and their kids.   

All four of us happily enjoyed going to the wedding.  I told my SS13 and SD15 about the invite when they were with us earlier that summer.    They had returned to their mom's and subsequently informed her (we assume) of the wedding.  The kids came back to us for the second half of that summer.  We enjoyed shopping for a gift and got some new outfits together, they were excited as they hadn't been to a wedding before.  I said we need to be comfortable too because there is dancing.   Just as we are about to get into the car to leave my SS blurts out with intent, ":)on't forget to take a picture for mom!" to my SD.  I intercepted and said that we'd take pictures at the wedding, but had no intention of letting the kids send their mother a picture.  After all it was non of her business and I am so adamant that she stays the heck out of our social calendar when the kids are with us.  She is very intrusive and I protect our privacy (boundary).    My husband kind of 'warned' me that the ex might be testy with this as they used to be 'her' group of friends too.    Since their split and subsequent divorce, which was ten years ago now, I assumed (incorrectly) that this wasn't the case.  I believed the ex wife had come to terms with splitting up with these friends too, after all it comes with divorce.  These friends are my husband's, not really 'hers' technically as they are his from his University days.  Despite my husband and her marriage years together (10) I put emphasis on ownership of friends.  When one divorces, one has to split up friends too.   

The happy couple (friends' kids) are now expecting a baby which is due to be born in a month.  She had a baby shower a couple of weeks ago, my SD15 and myself were graciously invited.   I declined but thanked them for the thoughtful invite but my SD was going to be with her mother that weekend and I felt that it wasn't worth the big bang to pick my SD up from her mom's in order for us both to go.  She was okay with not going and not too disappointed but I said we'll see the baby when the time comes.     

Our other close female family friend (also a longtime friend from University) was invited to the shower too, but she also declined but dropped off some baby gifts to the house.   The groom's father (our best friend) told this other common friend (whom also has history with the exwife from 20+ years ago)  told her that my  hubby's ex wife made a HUGE stink to be invited to the wedding (two years ago) and had she heard from her recently?  She has not, saying 'she hates me'!  He replies, 'well, she hates us too apparently'.  I'm assuming he was worried that she would also create a huge scene to demand she be invited to the baby shower also.   Apparently it was 'ugly' and that the ex wife approached the bride's mom to INSIST on an invite (it was declined).  Apparently the ex claimed that she 'knows the groom before he met the bride' and claimed her position with sheer entitlement.   I suspect she did not take 'no' well! (boundary bashed)

Needless to say, we are shocked and embarrassed to hear about this.  Not that it's surprising so much as it is galling!   My husband and I had no idea this happened, had not heard a word and his best friend did not reveal  anything to us at the wedding nor since up until now (the baby shower).  Of course the kids would not say anything either about what a stink their mother must openly vented to them about not being invited to this wedding.   

Is it common for borderlines to inappropriately self invite themselves to family or friends' events which they do not belong, following divorce?  She is not at all liked, she is despised by us and there is no friendliness or trust nor much communication with the ex wife (only limited email).  I can't believe she would want to attend a wedding together with her ex husband, ME and (her) kids (my step kids) especially having the animosity we do ! Was she also wanting to sit at the same table with us? who knows.   I'm still so upset and can't believe she did this.  But that's why I'm posting, because I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this?  I'd like to hear and also if this is a common thing with borderlines. 

Thanks!
Cheers,
Klera           

[Klera]

Hi all,

Has anyone else experienced this. 

I just found out yesterday that my husband's ex wife (pwBPD = my stepkids' mom) tried to force (quite aggressively as I've heard) an invite for herself to a wedding which happened two years ago this coming summer. 

The groom: is my husband's best friend's from University, son, and like family, refers to my husband as 'uncle' and vice versa with my step kids.  My husband's  ex wife used to be a teaching assistant for the groom's mother (best friend's wife) 25 years ago, which is how they met.   

By sheer coincidence,  the ex's and kids' dental hygienist, we found out only recently, is the mother of the bride.  The two married kids have been together since high school, they are now mid 20's.  I don't know specifically how she (the ex) came across this person (hygienist) and made the connection together, but suffice to say has been snooping into the (our) friends' business(updates) via the hygienist when she and the kids go for their check ups.   

When the ex wife and my husband divorced, she was adamant that she 'did not need HIS friends' and that she 'had HER OWN friends'.    We thought that was that.  Great.  The kids and my husband and I frequently visit these friends for special occasions, holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc especially when the kids are out of school, to catch up with 'uncle' and 'aunt' and their kids.   

All four of us happily enjoyed going to the wedding.  I told my SS13 and SD15 about the invite when they were with us earlier that summer.    They had returned to their mom's and subsequently informed her (we assume) of the wedding.  The kids came back to us for the second half of that summer.  We enjoyed shopping for a gift and got some new outfits together, they were excited as they hadn't been to a wedding before.  I said we need to be comfortable too because there is dancing.   Just as we are about to get into the car to leave my SS blurts out with intent, ":)on't forget to take a picture for mom!" to my SD.  I intercepted and said that we'd take pictures at the wedding, but had no intention of letting the kids send their mother a picture.  After all it was non of her business and I am so adamant that she stays the heck out of our social calendar when the kids are with us.  She is very intrusive and I protect our privacy (boundary).    My husband kind of 'warned' me that the ex might be testy with this as they used to be 'her' group of friends too.    Since their split and subsequent divorce, which was ten years ago now, I assumed (incorrectly) that this wasn't the case.  I believed the ex wife had come to terms with splitting up with these friends too, after all it comes with divorce.  These friends are my husband's, not really 'hers' technically as they are his from his University days.  Despite my husband and her marriage years together (10) I put emphasis on ownership of friends.  When one divorces, one has to split up friends too.   

The happy couple (friends' kids) are now expecting a baby which is due to be born in a month.  She had a baby shower a couple of weeks ago, my SD15 and myself were graciously invited.   I declined but thanked them for the thoughtful invite but my SD was going to be with her mother that weekend and I felt that it wasn't worth the big bang to pick my SD up from her mom's in order for us both to go.  She was okay with not going and not too disappointed but I said we'll see the baby when the time comes.     

Our other close female family friend (also a longtime friend from University) was invited to the shower too, but she also declined but dropped off some baby gifts to the house.   The groom's father (our best friend) told this other common friend (whom also has history with the exwife from 20+ years ago)  told her that my  hubby's ex wife made a HUGE stink to be invited to the wedding (two years ago) and had she heard from her recently?  She has not, saying 'she hates me'!  He replies, 'well, she hates us too apparently'.  I'm assuming he was worried that she would also create a huge scene to demand she be invited to the baby shower also.   Apparently it was 'ugly' and that the ex wife approached the bride's mom to INSIST on an invite (it was declined).  Apparently the ex claimed that she 'knows the groom before he met the bride' and claimed her position with sheer entitlement.   I suspect she did not take 'no' well! (boundary bashed)

Needless to say, we are shocked and embarrassed to hear about this.  Not that it's surprising so much as it is galling!   My husband and I had no idea this happened, had not heard a word and his best friend did not reveal  anything to us at the wedding nor since up until now (the baby shower).  Of course the kids would not say anything either about what a stink their mother must openly vented to them about not being invited to this wedding.   

Is it common for borderlines to inappropriately self invite themselves to family or friends' events which they do not belong, following divorce?  She is not at all liked, she is despised by us and there is no friendliness or trust nor much communication with the ex wife (only limited email).  I can't believe she would want to attend a wedding together with her ex husband, ME and (her) kids (my step kids) especially having the animosity we do ! Was she also wanting to sit at the same table with us? who knows.   I'm still so upset and can't believe she did this.  But that's why I'm posting, because I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this?  I'd like to hear and also if this is a common thing with borderlines. 

Thanks!
Cheers,
Klera           

[ForeverDad]

We had a member here, Lexi, who married several years ago that had an attention-seeking mother.  She knew she would try to hog the wedding activities and so had strategized how to limit the over-the-top behaviors.  One idea she used was to hired off-duty police for security and made sure they were always stationed near her mother.

[livednlearned]

Being left out, left behind, ignored or slighted isn't an easy feeling for anyone.

For someone who struggles to regulate emotions, and who stores emotional hurt in a repository that never empties, only fills, these feelings are much tougher to manage.

When I have strong feelings, I notice it is harder it is to think clearly and make cool-headed decisions. Problem solving is difficult.

It's amplified for someone with BPD.

She could've handled it better, but to do that, she would need to be more skilled at regulating intense emotions.

[Klera]

Thanks for your replies! it definitely helps me wrap my brain around understanding her thinking (BPD) more and more. I can still be surprised even shocked by her behaviour after a decade, but this not the end by a long shot I'm sure... .

I will keep the security solution in mind when our kids are planning their weddings! that is brilliant strategy.  I hope they elope though!  First thing first, is getting through their graduations.   

She can be 'quiet' with us for long periods (no emails) which doesn't make me as anxious as much as it used to, wondering what she has brewing or when the next bomb was going to drop.    We can positively conclude (from her perceived exclusion from the wedding and subsequent entitlement tantrum)  that despite us not hearing from her, others sure have!   We have had confirmation that she has definitely made trouble at the kids' schools and with teachers and had one Head report to my husband a few years ago about a certain episode which she was extremely careful what she could say to him, but implied "pressuring" which was a classic understatement.   We never really seem to get the full story from doctors or anyone that is involved with the kids that have had to deal with her, they stay clear of anything that might get back to her and they don't want to be in the middle of family stuff, which I understand to a point.  It gets messy when you want to watch over the kids but in order to do that, sidestep her landmines along the way.   

I do know that her perceived feelings of exclusion, dismissal, lack of sharing information, perceived judgement on her... .all those things are her triggers.  She is a nightmare when she blows and I know now that she is not capable of self regulating her emotions.  She does not let go of hurt, either and will bring up any and all things that supposedly my husband did to her when she used to get going with her victim stance.  So exhausting, but predictable and now I understand more thanks to your input.     

I think it's sort of a blessing that our friends have witnessed for themselves and know now that the ex is truly unstable (the kindest way I can explain her).  When my husband was contemplating/planning separation and divorce from her, his best friend was not as supportive as he could have been.  He just kind of swept her behaviour aside as "all women are like that" (I know, my reaction was not great either when I heard that) b.s. as if he could talk him out of leaving her and underestimating the severity of the problems and issues he was having.  Now I'm sure he is completely convinced that my hubby was not at all exaggerating.    

Thanks again for explaining about regulating emotions, storing hurt, and I definitely know she has spontaneous impulsive explosions. She physically went after my husband years ago early in the divorce (attempted civil) discussions.    Mostly what I see in person is her behaving and being completely calm and normally when she is at school concerts, proudly wearing her MOTY ("mother of the year" mask.  We sit at opposite sides of the gym but just knowing she is in the same room, I still struggle with.    I do my best smile and wave.