The smear campaign and running into their supporters

[Jennylove]

I don't know what to do about my dilemma. For the next year, I will remain 700 miles away while on my work assignment. After that, I think I'd  like to stay in my city  and work at a local place. The only thing that I like about my city is the fact that I got my home for a steal, my mom lives 4 blocks away, and my sister and nephew live nearby as well, although, they are busy and hard to catch. But otherwise, there isn't anything for me, it's a pretty boring place. I always said I'd like to live close to my mom in her old age, we are very close and she has no other family except sis and I. But she's 67, not "old" yet, but getting there.

Since I own my home, it'll be ideal if I stay there and work local. If I get bored and have a few days off , chicago isn't too far, and there are reasonable non-stop flights to Vegas and Tampa from our airport. And it'll be great spending time with mom. But my BPD dad and Stepmom are VERY popular in this city, everyone knows them and loves them. Unfortunately, they are my biggest enemy. And they love smearing my name and making comments to people about my mental health. I really  believe they hope ill permanently move. Which is even more reason for me to stay .

But I dread seeing their many flying monkeys, especially if I'm at work. I'm a traveling  nurse right now, but if I go local, I'll work in the ER. And there are no other hospitals in my city except 1, so yeah, I'll likely see their friends and my family members often,  and Lord only knows what they've heard. If they ask me if I've talked to my dad lately,  How do I respond? Part of me wants to tell the truth, that he's a jerk and we aren't speaking. But part of me wants to Fake it and simply say  no.

Also, as morbid as it sounds, I've thought about what I'll do if they pass away while on non speaking terms (which will probably last forever.) should I attend the funeral or not?

[No-One]

Hi Jennylove:
I'm sorry about your situation with your father.  I can understand how difficult it must be to live with that situation in a small community. It can be doubly tough, when the person in our life with BPD or strong BPD traits can portray their self as wonderful upstanding people in public, but save their abusive behaviors for loved ones when behind closed doors.

Just a thought about your home, perhaps you could rent it out for awhile?  It might be hard in a small community, but if possible, you might consider that.  If you rented it, you could later move back into it, when you want to assist your mom with elder care in her later years.

But I dread seeing their many flying monkeys, especially if I'm at work. I'm a traveling  nurse right now, but if I go local, I'll work in the ER. And there are no other hospitals in my city except 1, so yeah, I'll likely see their friends and my family members often,  and Lord only knows what they've heard. If they ask me if I've talked to my dad lately,  How do I respond? Part of me wants to tell the truth, that he's a jerk and we aren't speaking. But part of me wants to Fake it and simply say  no.

It can be a great relief to let go of worrying about what others think.  The best way to dispel any bad things that might have been said about you is to just be professional, courteous and perform your job in the best way possible.

If quizzed about your dad and step-mom, just have a couple of short replies ready. i.e. "We haven't chatted recently",  "I'm sure he is fine", "I'm thinking he's hard at work, as usual", etc.  Quickly turn the conversation around and ask about them.  If you bad mouth your dad, you put yourself in a situation to appear as the one with a mental health problem (and prompt more gossip or a drama triangle).

Also, as morbid as it sounds, I've thought about what I'll do if they pass away while on non speaking terms (which will probably last forever.) should I attend the funeral or not?

That's a very personal choice and there isn't one right answer.  When the time comes, you probably will want to weight out the pros and cons at the time (and for step-mom versus your dad).  Will you want to go to a funeral for closure for yourself?  Do you feel a need to appear, to prevent community gossip?  Do you join forces with your sister (for support) and make a short appearance?

If you choose to NOT go to a funeral, you could satisfy inquiring minds with perhaps telling them that you weren't able to attend the funeral, but went to a private memorial instead.  They don't have to know that the private memorial was a small gathering with your mom and sister. 

[zachira]

I come from a small town and rural state and I can relate to the distress of being part of the ongoing smear campaign of borderline family members. The challenge is to keep feeling good about yourself no matter what stories they invent, and to disclose as little as you can about your personal life; they are only interested in themselves anyway. It was hard for me for years to realize that people who did not know me made all these assumptions about me based on all the lies they had heard about me, and then I noticed that some people were actually shocked that I was such a nice person, and others do not trust people that only have bad things to say about others, especially family members. Do not let the fear of the lies they might tell about you affect you negatively, as you know who you are, and most people will like you for who you are.

[Turkish]

I like No-One's suggested BIFF responses.  Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

My thinking would be to say,  "I haven't talked to them due to all of the crazy and untrue [explicative] they've been saying about me." It's an option, but the neutral responses are likely to result in less drama.