Suspect BPD (maybe covert NPD wife)

[christianboy]

Hello,

I have signed up here because I need guidance and general acknowledgement so I can help myself and my marriage and hopefully my wife.
I have come to believe she has BPD, this I am nearly 100% sure of based on her behaviour.
I really just need people to talk to. I love my wife and leaving her is not an option as I am committed and we have a child on the way. Her behaviour is hurtful but predictable.
The hardest thing for me is the constantly walking on egg shells to try and maintain the peace within the house/relationship and in some ways things have become less explosive BUT as i said above its still a predictable cycle that has not gone away.

Thanks for having me,

christianboy

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi christianboy,

 

Can you please tell us what some of the more troubling behaviors are? How are you handling such things?

with compassion, pearl.

[christianboy]

Hi Pearl,

There are many that are troubling. The thing that gets to me the most is the accusations about what I THINK. In these situations what I actually think or believe doesn't seem to come in to the picture. If my wife perceives I have looked at her the wrong way or asked a question in the wrong way then I will be accused of feeling or thinking something and no amount of explaining myself does any good. I am always left in the situation where I am told to think about things and change... .
I have learnt to handle this by biting my tongue and not agreeing or disagreeing with the accusations. Also acknowledging how she feels.

I get cut down a lot as well. I have been told I am a bad father. Keep in mind our child has not even been born yet. I have told I am a bad husband. I have been told over and over again I am selfish while at the same time I make a huge effort to keep the house clean, drop my wife off and pick her up, get her things she wants, and look after her the best I can.
I have come to accept that doing these things isn't a huge deal so they do not get to me all that much now.

As you can imagine its hard for me to correctly and cleanly explain everything here as its a confusing situation that I am trying to work out in my mind.

Researching the disorder has helped me see my wifes behaviour more clearly and separate her from the illness in my mind and this has helped as well.

The hardest thing for me is seeing her in pain. I see the emptiness in her eyes so often. The emotionless expression of her face. This is what affects me the most.
I have tried to talk to her about all of this but it always explodes every single time. I have decided to just pray and be the best husband I can be. The rest is up to her.

I need to learn to look after my needs as well so I dont get in a bad way.
Any advice on how to do that would be great.
Thanks for letting me rant. I have no1 else to talk to about it. It sounds unbelievable to others unless they have been there.

Christianboy 

   

[pearlsw]

Hi again, 

It takes some time and a lot of practice but stick around and get to know the community  (post on others threads too!), practice the tools.

There are two sides to this: 1) taking care of yourself, and 2) doing your best to understand your partner so you can become disciplined in terms of your communication with her. What she does is out of your control, all you can do is do your best on your side - that’s my experience.

So, for now, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have friends and family or just us here?

What books/concepts have you read/read about so far?

with compassion,

pearl.

p.s. hopefully others will join us here soon and share their insights! 

[NGU]

Hi Christianboy.

Pearlsw posted while I was writing this, so there's some repetition.

One clue that you’re serious about this is that you filled out your profile. Nice.

As you can imagine its hard for me to correctly and cleanly explain everything here as its a confusing situation that I am trying to work out in my mind.

Please be assured that most members here can write, or have written, details very similar to yours. That’s how you know you’re in the right place. It’s not surprising that you’re having a difficulty explaining things. It’s complicated. As you progress through this, you’ll find it easier… and that’s a sign you’re gradually wrapping your brain around it.

A couple things will help you get a handle on what's happening.

Read through more of the materials, even if it’s just the occasional concepts people bring up in replies. For example:

and no amount of explaining myself does any good.

That can be found here.

Also, keep posting. Even a short rant about a single event. You’re not just writing so others can learn more about your situation. Writing also helps you see patterns in your relationship that you can build from.

You found at least one pattern on your own.

Also acknowledging how she feels.
 

With those last two pasted quotes, you have the beginnings of a hypothetical book called "Arguments and How To Avoid Them."

So overall, a piece here and a nugget there, combined with an understanding what works and what doesn’t in your relationship, and you should gradually see improvements, at least in yourself. You mentioned that you don’t want to get in a bad way. That’s actually a decent initial goal, because if you can avoid having your head spin when she says bizarre things, you can keep a better focus throughout.

-ngu