Coping during Silent Treatment/Being Ignored

[Astronomancer]

It has been a wild nine or so months with my BPD partner. The silent treatments have gotten shorter. He rarely ever shuts me out entirely anymore--even when he has his episodes, he's starting to let me see more of it rather than running away. They can still be very painful and scary, but using this site and loving him in general as made me discover things about him, myself, and what love really is.

However... .the hardest part is knowing he is suffering, but ignoring me. He has told me time and time again to never blame myself, yet when he is in those high emotion moments, he will indeed blame me and make me feel like things are my fault yet also blaming himself. It's typical stuff I try my best not to let cloud my judgment because I know how much he is hurting and I just want to make it all go away for him. It is very difficult to maintain my sense of self and how he values me when it is inconsistent. I miss him terribly when we are not talking, because we tend to talk all day every day in between our normal schedules, and most of our downtime we spend together. I worry because I know he self-harms.

How do you cope or what are some suggestions on how I could cope when reaching out to him is impossible? He is supposed to come stay with me this month and I keep worrying things will be over, even if we've been here before and things work out somehow. Things get better and better between us and I know he's really trying, but sometimes he just becomes another person and I struggle to keep up my own self-confidence when all I want is to hear him tell me how much he cares about me too.

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[pearlsw]

Hi Astromancer,

It is an understatement to say that such relationships can be quite difficult - wanting to be with someone, but never being able to get that commitment/stability nailed down in a way that feels permanent. I also know the silent treatment can be very painful because when someone has a wall up like that you might want to reach out but they just aren't in a place to let you in. It can get very ugly depending upon how far it goes. In his case does it go pretty far? When does he eventually let up on that?

You ask, "How do you cope when reaching out to him is impossible?" Firstly, in any relationship silent treatment is serious in terms of the viability of the relationship. Have you ever read those books by John Gottman? He talks a lot about that issue - of course that is for relationships with nons, but it may give you some perspective nevertheless. It is topic to take a deep dive into if you have the inclination.

In terms of coping, I have to admit, I mind less and less when I get at least a little silent treament because I want my SO to get himself under control. If he is doing just that, I am willing to give that time. No point in trying to push him into speaking or listening when he's not ready. The key is knowing when it's gone on just too long, in my situation at least.

But as for coping, perhaps you can help ritualize this kind of time for yourself in a way. Use this time for self-care, small things you can enjoy that bring good feelings and a little joy into your world. Perhaps even 10 minutes of meditation and deep breathing could help you soothe yourself and center your own thoughts/feelings?

I have gone through a lot of phases with such things. Sometimes I accept that I'll never really have stability in this relationship, other times I start planning for a future without him. I let all the thoughts come and try them all out. I am sure I will know what is right when the time comes. Perhaps instead of waiting for him to say things that would boost your self-confidence, and I know it is hard not to hear kind/loving words from our partners, you could do some positive self-talk? I know it might seem silly, but just saying positive things in your head like "I like me. I'm awesome. I'm a nice person." Whatever would make you feel good, and perhaps laugh even, would be a small step towards feeling better.

What typical things do you do to boost yourself in life?

with compassion, pearl.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Astromancer, thank you for sharing and I'm sorry you're going through this. I am new to the boards, and to BPD, as my partner and I have only dated for nine months. The past three weeks I have been the victim of the silent treatment, and I have cycled in and out of handling it well. It's his first time doing that to me, and I thought he was just ghosting me completely except I'll get a text out of the blue once a week or so where he tells me how empty he feels and that he's not disappearing. I've felt every emotion possible and identify with you so much on how it hurts because when he's not doing this, we talk all the time and spend a good bit of time together. I know he's not ignoring his parents and kids, so how can he hurt me like this? But when it's good, it's amazing.

How long might this go on? How long have you had to put up with it at a time?

As far as coping strategies, this board has been my biggest lifesaver. I have not quite figured out how to live without the best friend and lover I'd come to put first in all communications the past nine months. Especially when it's the first time he's done this to me and I don't truly know if he's coming back. I've tried to connect with my friends, and when I do I don't talk about my BPDbf or our relationship more than 5-10 minutes. They don't understand anyway, and I'd rather just catch up with them and not hear them try to advise on something they don't get.