In search of more resources - requesting recommendations

[jnssbc202]

I have about 5 min before I have to teach, so I will try to make this short... .

My mom suddenly went into denial about my BPDsis' condition. She's now hyper-focused on the fact that I didn't invite my BPDsis to my wedding. (My BPDsis cut me out of her life a few months before my wedding but remains in contact sometimes via hurtful and nasty emails. I decided not to invite her bc 1) I don't feel safe around her and 2) I don't think it's healthy to make believe things are OK between us just bc I got married - I think she needs to experience the repercussions of her decision to cut me out of her life and abuse me in between - she went on a smear campaign, too). My BPDsis called me to congratulate me on my wedding (3 days after she sent me a nasty email) and is now in therapy, so I guess that made my mom forget all the sh*t my BPDsis has been putting us through. Despite my best efforts to draw a boundary with my mom, yesterday she asked me to contact my BPDsis to explain to her why I didn't invite her because "she's in a lot of pain." Keep in mind, this is about the 7th time that my mom insisted that I contact my BPDsis even after about 10 times of me asking her not to do so. Recently, my mom is also now saying that "the family will never be the same again" bc I didn't invite my BPDsis to my wedding. I find myself now pulling away from my mom. Bc of the smear campaign my BPDsis went on, I am now isolating myself from extended family as well.

Point is:

1) I am looking for a book that talks about BPD family dynamics. I read "Walking on Eggshells" and it was GREAT, but I'm wondering if there's a "family dynamics" type of book.

2) I am also looking for a book that can help me overcome my fear of not being able to break out of this cycle - I want to break this cycle. I refuse to pass this type of environment on to my future children.

Any recommendations? I've looked at the list of books on here but could use your help deciding what book to start on next. Thanks in advance!

[Mutt]

Hi jnssbc202,

I find myself now pulling away from my mom. Bc of the smear campaign my BPDsis went on, I am now isolating myself from extended family as well.

I'm sorry that you're put into such a difficult position before your wedding you must have a lot of things to deal with with the wedding and then you have this to contend with. It's not fair, to answer your question this is a pretty good book that explains family dynamics and the r/s with a pwBPD in the family.

 Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist
 
I'd also suggest that you read our article on drama triangle Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT covers drama triangles in her book and I see a triangle between your , your BPDsis, your mom and yourself your mom is rescuing your BPDsis which is in the role of victim and finally casts you as persecutor. I understand the frustration of being cast as the "bad guy".
 
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

[Harri]

Hi jnssbc!  Mutt recommended two great resources so I am not going to add any more reading suggestions... .except (!) some more articles!  LOL

Often the best way to work through fear is to confront your fears.  You have been doing that each time you stand firm and believe that not inviting your sister was the best thing for you.  Have you seen the article Don't JADE?  JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain.  When you do any of those things, you risk invalidating the other person (your mother, your sister, whoever) but you also risk invalidating yourself which in turn can increase your fear of speaking up and standing firm.  Give yourself permission to make your own decisions and stand by them regardless of how your mother (or anyone) may react.  You have the right to protect yourself and your interests.  It is not selfish or wrong to do so.  When you couple the principles of ':)on't Jade' with establishing boundaries and using validation you can do a lot to help yourself stand firm and communicate in ways that will get your message across without feeling like you are doing something wrong - no matter how the person may react.

One note about your 'boundary' with your mom about not insisting you contact your sister:  Boundaries are about us and what we will and will not allow.  So asking another person to do something to keep your boundary is not going to work.  You can request it, but they do not have to follow your request.  *You* need to follow up by restating it (which you have been doing) or ending the conversation or taking some other action at your end.  Does that make sense?

[peachtree487]

Thanks for your post, as I have the same questions. I know how tough it is to be in a situation where a family member enables the other family member with BPD.

It's  hard to talk to the one who enables & has no understanding of BPD and who believes exaggerations / lies / projections from the pwBPD. I am in that exact situation.

Since you are newly married, it's a good idea to not give your sis any opportunities to cause you uneccessary stress & anxiety. It might be a good idea to schedule or set aside time to deal with your mom & sis, and until that time when you feel you and your husband are ready & able to deal with your sis, stay no contact and keep reinforcing your boundaries with your mom.  Good luck to you, there's many others who understand and lots of people here at bpdfamily to help.

[jnssbc202]

Just signing on here again makes me cry. So many mixed feelings have been surfacing lately. When I come on here 1) there's no denial that my family situation is painful and 2) I feel "home" because I am understood here. I guess I am crying because I feel like I don't have family anymore. I know I have a new family with my H, but it's so difficult realizing that my nuclear family will never be able to give me what I have always wanted - to be accepted for who I am rather than ostracized - and that I may have to pull away from them again (like I did for over a decade beginning in the late 90s when my sister's BPD first surfaced and I was her main target. My family went along with it and I had to pull away from them all for self-protection).

I really felt supported and loved by my parents when they were disowned by my BPDsis this past June. I guess at the time I didn't realize that it was all fake - based on their own needs and not on getting my sister help or supporting me (my BPDsis started with me before she did with them and they saw it). When they were disowned by her, they took the love they would shower her with and gave it to me. They saw that something was "wrong" with my BPDsis and kept reminding me that we didn't do anything wrong and didn't deserve to be cut from my BPDsis' life. (I relished in it because my dad was largely absent when I was growing up and my mom was verbally abusive to me while my BPDsis was the golden child. Receiving the love and support while they saw eye-to-eye with me about my BPDsis felt so good - it was the first time it happened.) It's different now that my BPDsis has more-or-less accepted my parents back into her life and, as I mentioned in my original post of this thread, I didn't invite my BPDsis to my wedding. I guess my BPDsis now thinks that I forced my parents to do this "terrible thing" that she "punished" us for, and that my mom now thinks that this "terrible thing" was indeed terrible and we need to pay for it. My dad is just going along with it all.

I found out 2 days ago (2 days after my original post on this thread) that my uncle is in the hospital. My sister called to tell me that they think he won't live more than a few days. She found out from my mom and also received a phone call from my BPDsis about it. Why wouldn't my mom tell me about it? (I asked my mom and she said she wanted to protect me from bad news. THAT she protects me from but keeps hurting me about my sister after I plead with her not to?) And why am I the last to know of my uncle's condition? And why is my BPDsis talking to everyone in the family again except for me? I called my dad today to welcome him home (he was away for 2 weeks) and he hardly said a word to me because he was with my BPDsis and her son. Why are my parents OK with pushing me away / having me pull away in order to keep the peace with my sister? It's hard not to take things personally.

Mutt, thank you for the recommendations. I am going to be honest that reading about the Karpman Drama Triangle was very difficult for me. I am being very hard on myself about it. I know the point was that I have been pushed into the persecutor role, but now I wonder "Am I a persecutor? I do seem to blame my BPDsis' condition for this current situation." Then I wonder, "Am I also playing the victim when I cry on here, to my T, H, or friends?" Then the self-hate talk begins again - "My sister is right. I am a terrible person. I am severely flawed and that's why she's talking to everyone but me and my mom is pushing me to change." Again, intellectually, I know that this is not the case and that this is not the point of reading this article. I just don't know what's real anymore. Also, I am SO confused about how to move myself to the middle of the triangle.

peachtree487, YES! It's soo hard!  My plan was to send an e-mail to my sister at the one-year mark and say something like, "It's been a year since we stopped talking. Not a day has gone by that I didn't think about you and [my nephew]. I love you a lot. I always have and always will." That way, I get to test the waters. If she's receptive, I'd suggest talking to her with a mediator present. If she's not treceptive, I test the waters with a similar e-mail every six months. I won't talk to her without a mediator present. Thank you for the luck and understanding.

Harri, thank you for the suggestion. I've been thinking the same - next time my mom tries this and she keeps going even if I remind her that I don't want to talk about it, I will hang up. Also, I have read the article ":)on't JADE." I don't JADE with my BPDsis and I think it's why she's crying to my mom. In other words, I think my BPDsis can sense my boundaries/knows I won't fall into the drama with her, so she goes through my mom. With my mom, sometimes I do JADE. I did it when y mom asked me to call my BPDsis earlier in the week. To be honest, I think it's my anger towards my mom. I am tired of taking care of her. I am tired of working on doing the "right" thing with her when she won't take care of her own issues and enables my BPDsis so much. Likewise, there's part of me that's too angry to even read the books that I asked you all to recommend. Why am I the only one in my nuclear family to put in the work to heal myself and learn as much as I can about BPD and dysfunctional families so that I say the "right" thing? Either way I am blamed for things... .

[Mutt]

Hi jnssbc202,

I don't think that you're on this board playing the victim I think that you need to have this stuff validated. I can relate with some of the things that you said, when I said persecutor I guess you could also look at it like the scapegoat in the family all of the families feelings that they can't sort or cope with they project it on the scapegoat. My point is that it's a role that you're cast in it's not a role that you have to assume or play.

It sounds like they don't know how to deal with your sister, maybe they thought that you could handle it better than BPDsis and that's the reason why they were hands on or maybe not. I understand how it feels like when you're family doesn't validate you, they're supposed to be people that are supportive, people that you can turn to.

I just want to give you some advice that helped me from a senior member on this board you can create a new family, people that are close to you that listen and don't judge you, relationships that are healthy. I have people that I consider family that I go to first and my family is just there doing the same thing I don't JADE and I don't assume the position of persecutor / scapegoat they're people that just don't know how to deal with feelings.

[Harri]

Hi jnssbc.

I have read the article ":)on't JADE." I don't JADE with my BPDsis and I think it's why she's crying to my mom. In other words, I think my BPDsis can sense my boundaries/knows I won't fall into the drama with her, so she goes through my mom. With my mom, sometimes I do JADE. I did it when y mom asked me to call my BPDsis earlier in the week. To be honest, I think it's my anger towards my mom. I am tired of taking care of her. I am tired of working on doing the "right" thing with her when she won't take care of her own issues and enables my BPDsis so much. Likewise, there's part of me that's too angry to even read the books that I asked you all to recommend. Why am I the only one in my nuclear family to put in the work to heal myself and learn as much as I can about BPD and dysfunctional families so that I say the "right" thing? Either way I am blamed for things... .

Okay, excellent!  You know how to apply don't JADE when it comes to your sister.  You just need to apply that skill to the rest of your family.  I used the word 'just' but I know it is no easy task.  The thing is, your family (parents) are in the dysfunction up to their eyeballs.  I am not saying they are BPD or anything like that but you are right that they are so caught up in the dynamic that has existed for decades that they can't see their own stuff.  You will not be able to change this nor is it your job.

How about we change perspective here and even simplify it.   
"To be honest, I think it's my anger towards my mom. I am tired of taking care of her. I am tired of working on doing the "right" thing with her when she won't take care of her own issues and enables my BPDsis so much."
Your anger is an appropriate response.  You can't change or 'fix' your mom no matter how much you read or try to find the words to get through to her.  all you can do is take care of yourself, learn the communication and coping skills for *you*, not in the hope of fixing the family or your mom.  She can't see what she can't see until she is ready to see it.

"Why am I the only one in my nuclear family to put in the work to heal myself and learn as much as I can about BPD and dysfunctional families so that I say the "right" thing?"
I am going to suggest that you are focusing on the wrong goal.  The goal is not to say the right thing to your sister or your mom.  The goal is to say what is right for you in a way that protects you and sets limits.  There is no 'right thing' no matter how hard we try.  I used to twist myself all around trying to find just the right way to say things.  I finally realized there is no right way. So --->>
***Either way I am blamed for things... .***  So do what is right for you.  When you are in a no win situation all you can do is change things up.  Shed the role of fixer and peacemaker... .they are impossible roles that never should have been placed on you.  So put down the roles. 

By focusing on you, you will be able to better navigate your relationships and in the end your family may see the changes you make and try to change their own behaviors.  I mention that because I know when I was first told to focus on me, I felt like I was abandoning my family (never mind that they were telling me that was what I was doing!).  As I learned, I held on to the belief that they may change things on their own.  It helped me do what I needed to do.  And you know what?  It did open my father and brothers eyes a bit but they also knew by watching me that I would not take their interference, pleading, blame or anything else that was driving a wedge between us.  So eventually things got better.

I am sorry to hear about your uncle.  I have no idea what is going through your mothers mind about not telling you.  It hurts to think about it.  I am sorry they did that to you.  Sometimes the family members are going to try so hard to stabilize the situation that they will do just about anything including ignoring the needs of certain family members.  They see your sister as the agitator and will cater to her.  It is not fair.  it hurts.  It really is not personal even tho it feels like it is.  Take it as evidence of the extent of the dysfunction in your family.  You are breaking away from it and so you will get the greatest heat for changing things around.

I can give you several articles to read that can further explain what I wrote above but I don't want to overwhelm you.  let me know if you want even more stuff to read    Also, ask questions

About the Karpman Triangle:  I find it hard to understand and absorb the lesson in it without having a basic understanding of things like projection, boundaries, splitting (those are the things I mentioned above but did not want to give you too much to absorb at once) etc.  Then it makes more sense and is easier to depersonalize some of the things we talk about. 

I think you are doing an excellent job ya know.  It is not easy to see things as clearly as you do and to be the only one in your family to do so or at least the only one willing to change things.  It takes strength and courage which you have in spades.