Today she broke into my professional university account
Many people with BPD (pwBPD), whether diagnosed or not, have poor boundary ethics, largely due to their self-centered worldview and perceptions. If she demands to know your passwords, pwBPD often resort to stressful interrogations, that is a boundary you can ethically defend, that you have a right to business confidentiality, personal confidentiality and privacy.
She of course will argue otherwise but you have a right to reasonable privacy and confidentiality. And especially now if you are contemplating separation or divorce. Repeat, sharing is when the relationship is healthy, functional or recovering. If it is dysfunctional or unhealthy then what you share are basic things like parenting matters and bill paying. Anything having to do with finding a counselor or lawyer or getting legal consultations need to remain confidential or else you risk sabotaging yourself.
Also, don't depend on a locked briefcase or even a locked trunk. Over the years we've heard of hammers and pry bars used to gain access to locked areas. Keep important papers, documents and copies (multiple copies) in safe places where she has No Access, whether physically or electronically.
I am waiting to leave this relationship because I have a daughter with her and I lover her very much. But I can't stand to leave her alone with her mother. And I am in the process of moving from my state to another which will happen in July.
Most courts seem to ignore the Personality Disorder labels, especially when we as laymen try to Play Doctor. The better approach than shouting "I have a diagnostic label for her!" is to document her poor behaviors in a log, journal, diary or something similar so it records dates, times, locations, events and other details. Much of what is vaguely claimed as "he always... ." or "she always... ." is ignored or considered hearsay. So the credible approach is to document the incidents. Your statements will be considered much more credible when you can provide specifics and details.
Have you compared the custody and parenting laws between your current state and your new state to determine what the differences are and how they impact you? Is she and your child moving with you? If you move away and she doesn't come with you, you probably would have to wait 6 months to establish custody-applicable residency before you can file in the new state. Getting legal consultations and figuring out how these legal issues impact you as a parent should be a high priority in addition to starting a journal or log as mentioned above.
"But I can't stand to leave her alone with her mother." Practically speaking, no matter how good an order you get, your child's mother will have alone times with her. So odds are unless she is extremely alarming even to the professionals, being seen as a danger to your child, you won't get an order for 100%. Typical orders can vary. One has the parents sharing equal parenting time. For young children a good equal time schedule is 2-2-3 where one parent gets Mon-Tue overnights, the other parent gets Wed-Thu overnights, and each parent alternates the 3 overnight weekends. Historically a common schedule is 80/20 or 75/25 where one parent gets majority time and the other gets alternate weekends (often from Friday school end to Monday school start, which reduces confrontational exchanges) and an overnight in between. Sadly, courts seem to default to giving the majority time to mothers, though they won't put in writing that it is a gender default.
Have you browsed our Book review board? One essential must-read is
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger, available in inexpensive paperback or electronic media. It outlines numerous effective strategies, including you need to select an experienced proactive lawyer who can handle high conflict cases.
Your task is to seek as much parenting authority and parenting time as possible using solid strategies, good documentation and expert representation. Ignore the people, even some lawyers, who tell you to not even try for better than the 'typical' outcome. It's your child and her future at stake, you have every right to be as involved as possible in her childhood.
