Week One - Preparing for the worst

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

DB,

I wrote the following thinking of the mid-marriage agreement, not having seen your latest post about the divorce complaint.  This is still relevant, so I'll leave it as it is:

I like where Gagrl is going with this.  Taking it a step further, I wonder if you start writing down the timeline leading up to when you signed the mid-marriage contract, including all abuse and manipulative behavior, if you will get and maybe be able to communicate a clearer picture of why you signed it.  Your lawyer may say, "I am so sorry she messed with your head, but you're a grownup, that's your signature, and you're stuck with it," OR maybe, just maybe, you'll find a thread to pull on.  If you were a woman and there were physical abuse some people might see a more obvious path to attack that document's validity, but regardless of gender, controlling behaviors and verbal/emotional abuse can be more powerful than physical abuse to induce someone to do something like sign a document.  If a lot of money is on the table, and it sounds like it is, you should consider getting evaluated by a domestic violence expert (typically a psychologist, LMFT, or LCSW who does court testimony).  I am not suggesting that you make something out of nothing or exaggerate things.  But, conditioned as you have been for many years to "saving" a lopsided relationship with at the least, emotionally abusive and manipulative behaviors, you almost certainly are minimizing the impact on you, accepting too much of the blame, and normalizing her actions (even though you think you already know they were out of bounds, over time, as you gain perspective, you may become even more confident and see them as farther out of bounds).

Here are my thoughts after catching up about the complaint news:

I second much of the great advice you've gotten here.  I'm just now re-reading the section in Splitting on evaluators.  You may have just read it as well.  I would place a high priority on getting the evaluator appointed ASAP, and getting your daughter in front of the evaluator ASAP, and you and your daughter in front of the evaluator in a play session ASAP, all before your wife has time to influence her.  I think you've got ":)on't Alienate the Kids."  Have you started it?  I've just read a few pages.  I'll race ya!

I want to emphasize what's been said above.  You are telling the truth, and your are organized.  Prepare well, and your true self will come across to folks like evaluators, and you'll be believed.  Just recently, I was sitting in front of a child custody evaluator, and my wife had thrown accusations of abuse at me (saying I abused my wife).  I think I managed to avoid saying BPD, but when she asked what I did during a conflict, I told how when we were first married, I'd argue back.  Then I learned not to.  Then I learned what JADE was, and how not to do it.  Then I learned the power of validation.  I told how my behavior when things got out of control was to exit.  I said that all of these tools helped, but in the last few years things escalated.  She would assault me as I tried to leave an argument, etc.  It was the story of a caring person learning and adapting and eventually becoming overrun by the behaviors.  Same as you.  I did not throw my wife under the bus, but was candid about her behaviors.  As I told this true story, I could see in the evaluators eyes that she believed me.  A therapist one time told me another thing I was doing that built credibility -- I was describing the things that I wished I'd done differently, and my part in things.  Be careful not to throw yourself under the bus out of misguided guilt, perhaps run your examples by your therapist and lawyer.  One example I had was how my wife kicked me out of the house one night 7 years ago, and as I walked to the driveway, she tried to pull the bag with my clothes in it away from me.  I pulled back, and we both fell into the bushes.  I described how scared I was that someone could get hurt, and from that point forward anytime she tried to steal any possessions besides my cell phone I would just let her have them and was willing to buy new things.  Abusive guys do not talk about the power of validation to defuse arguments, nor do they talk about their part in things.

One thing I'm very glad I did was to separate my detailed documentation of abuse against me from documentation of my wife's behaviors around parenting.  One fat document for each.  For me, it was the right move, since I had dozens of pages of incidents.  I wanted to make it easy for the evaluator to focus on parenting specific stuff, and not annoy her by making her work to hard to find what was most important to her.  But there, in a separate document, which I hoped she would read, was all the crazy stuff my wife did to me.  Obviously, an executive summary of 1-2 pages is a good idea.  Talk about your efforts to keep your family together, your highest priority being your daughter, etc.  Organize it all like a big report at work where you're not sure when the executive reading it will fall asleep; push overviews and main points to the front.

I had three hour long interviews with the evaluator.  The first two, she consumed all the time with questions, I really didn't have a chance to bring up issues, though she was very thorough.  I requested a third session to cover things that had been missed.  I think the fact that you have already proposed a detailed parenting plan is a great asset in your favor.  You are far ahead of me on this.

"Real incidents with dates?" What does that mean? She has fabricated incidents and dates, or just changed the true instigator from herself to you for said incidents?

This is EXACTLY why you keep those positive cards, emails, and texts and also unearth as many of her questionable actions to counteract her scapegoating.

When you're in the right mood, a satisfying activity could be to write down the dates of the supposed "incidents" and the dates of the cards and see if any line up.  One might even put both into a spreadsheet   Your instinct will be to attack these allegations point by point.  Since this is a court filing, that may be the thing to do; talk to your lawyer.  You may want to write out a narrative of how each incident actually happened, with as much detail as you can possibly remember (you were facing north towards the kitchen when she threw her ring at you, for example).  You may not need all the work product you generate, but it will give you something to do with your energy and will build your confidence.  Some of it will undoubtedly be useful.  But don't do it at the expense of getting yourself emotionally spun up.  Find out the urgency of whatever analysis or background info she needs from you.  If you have the luxury of time, pace yourself.  I finally got smart and forced myself to only work on toxic documents before noon, or at the latest 2 or 3pm.  Not in the late afternoon, and *especially* not after the sun sets.

WW

[Radcliff]

DB,

I wrote the following thinking of the mid-marriage agreement, not having seen your latest post about the divorce complaint.  This is still relevant, so I'll leave it as it is:

I like where Gagrl is going with this.  Taking it a step further, I wonder if you start writing down the timeline leading up to when you signed the mid-marriage contract, including all abuse and manipulative behavior, if you will get and maybe be able to communicate a clearer picture of why you signed it.  Your lawyer may say, "I am so sorry she messed with your head, but you're a grownup, that's your signature, and you're stuck with it," OR maybe, just maybe, you'll find a thread to pull on.  If you were a woman and there were physical abuse some people might see a more obvious path to attack that document's validity, but regardless of gender, controlling behaviors and verbal/emotional abuse can be more powerful than physical abuse to induce someone to do something like sign a document.  If a lot of money is on the table, and it sounds like it is, you should consider getting evaluated by a domestic violence expert (typically a psychologist, LMFT, or LCSW who does court testimony).  I am not suggesting that you make something out of nothing or exaggerate things.  But, conditioned as you have been for many years to "saving" a lopsided relationship with at the least, emotionally abusive and manipulative behaviors, you almost certainly are minimizing the impact on you, accepting too much of the blame, and normalizing her actions (even though you think you already know they were out of bounds, over time, as you gain perspective, you may become even more confident and see them as farther out of bounds).

Here are my thoughts after catching up about the complaint news:

I second much of the great advice you've gotten here.  I'm just now re-reading the section in Splitting on evaluators.  You may have just read it as well.  I would place a high priority on getting the evaluator appointed ASAP, and getting your daughter in front of the evaluator ASAP, and you and your daughter in front of the evaluator in a play session ASAP, all before your wife has time to influence her.  I think you've got ":)on't Alienate the Kids."  Have you started it?  I've just read a few pages.  I'll race ya!

I want to emphasize what's been said above.  You are telling the truth, and your are organized.  Prepare well, and your true self will come across to folks like evaluators, and you'll be believed.  Just recently, I was sitting in front of a child custody evaluator, and my wife had thrown accusations of abuse at me (saying I abused my wife).  I think I managed to avoid saying BPD, but when she asked what I did during a conflict, I told how when we were first married, I'd argue back.  Then I learned not to.  Then I learned what JADE was, and how not to do it.  Then I learned the power of validation.  I told how my behavior when things got out of control was to exit.  I said that all of these tools helped, but in the last few years things escalated.  She would assault me as I tried to leave an argument, etc.  It was the story of a caring person learning and adapting and eventually becoming overrun by the behaviors.  Same as you.  I did not throw my wife under the bus, but was candid about her behaviors.  As I told this true story, I could see in the evaluators eyes that she believed me.  A therapist one time told me another thing I was doing that built credibility -- I was describing the things that I wished I'd done differently, and my part in things.  Be careful not to throw yourself under the bus out of misguided guilt, perhaps run your examples by your therapist and lawyer.  One example I had was how my wife kicked me out of the house one night 7 years ago, and as I walked to the driveway, she tried to pull the bag with my clothes in it away from me.  I pulled back, and we both fell into the bushes.  I described how scared I was that someone could get hurt, and from that point forward anytime she tried to steal any possessions besides my cell phone I would just let her have them and was willing to buy new things.  Abusive guys do not talk about the power of validation to defuse arguments, nor do they talk about their part in things.

One thing I'm very glad I did was to separate my detailed documentation of abuse against me from documentation of my wife's behaviors around parenting.  One fat document for each.  For me, it was the right move, since I had dozens of pages of incidents.  I wanted to make it easy for the evaluator to focus on parenting specific stuff, and not annoy her by making her work to hard to find what was most important to her.  But there, in a separate document, which I hoped she would read, was all the crazy stuff my wife did to me.  Obviously, an executive summary of 1-2 pages is a good idea.  Talk about your efforts to keep your family together, your highest priority being your daughter, etc.  Organize it all like a big report at work where you're not sure when the executive reading it will fall asleep; push overviews and main points to the front.

I had three hour long interviews with the evaluator.  The first two, she consumed all the time with questions, I really didn't have a chance to bring up issues, though she was very thorough.  I requested a third session to cover things that had been missed.  I think the fact that you have already proposed a detailed parenting plan is a great asset in your favor.  You are far ahead of me on this.

"Real incidents with dates?" What does that mean? She has fabricated incidents and dates, or just changed the true instigator from herself to you for said incidents?

This is EXACTLY why you keep those positive cards, emails, and texts and also unearth as many of her questionable actions to counteract her scapegoating.

When you're in the right mood, a satisfying activity could be to write down the dates of the supposed "incidents" and the dates of the cards and see if any line up.  One might even put both into a spreadsheet   Your instinct will be to attack these allegations point by point.  Since this is a court filing, that may be the thing to do; talk to your lawyer.  You may want to write out a narrative of how each incident actually happened, with as much detail as you can possibly remember (you were facing north towards the kitchen when she threw her ring at you, for example).  You may not need all the work product you generate, but it will give you something to do with your energy and will build your confidence.  Some of it will undoubtedly be useful.  But don't do it at the expense of getting yourself emotionally spun up.  Find out the urgency of whatever analysis or background info she needs from you.  If you have the luxury of time, pace yourself.  I finally got smart and forced myself to only work on toxic documents before noon, or at the latest 2 or 3pm.  Not in the late afternoon, and *especially* not after the sun sets.

WW

[DaddyBear77]

Since this is a court filing, that may be the thing to do; talk to your lawyer.  You may want to write out a narrative of how each incident actually happened, with as much detail as you can possibly remember

So, tonight's winner is Wentworth, for literally using the exact same words as my L this afternoon while discussing our response!

My L gives me homework - it's great - it takes the guess work out of things  - anyway, my homework is to complete this narrative and also the financial disclosure documents so that we can be prepared. My L also said we're going to make counter claims, which she does as a matter of course in cases like this. This is my 3rd or 4th hour with the L and I feel like we're finally settling into a good rhythm. I'm learning not to go overboard with details right off the bat unless she asks, and she's slowing down a bit to ask questions and make sure I'm following along. I'm feeling good about my support from that perspective.

We also did exactly what LnL and others have suggested - I sent my STBX a text message and an e-mail stating that I would be calling to speak with my daughter at 7:15pm. Then at 7:15pm I called, and she did NOT answer. So I sent another text and e-mail stating that she did not answer and that I would be available until 8pm for her to return my call. She did not, and at 7:59pm she sent a note saying "As you have previously been informed, all contact must be through my lawyer."

SO - this validates what I had expected, it gives us more ammunition for alienation claims, and it sucked I didn't get to talk to my daughter.

But

Tomorrow is the day they are scheduled to come back home. If my STBX is paying attention, she'll notice that I'm not leaving the marital home until such time as a temporary parenting agreement is made. I have no idea how tomorrow will play out, but like I said, I'm working well with my L and I will call her as needed to navigate through this.

Oh, and back to the narrative, there's certianly a big task in store to put things together, and yes, WW, I have spreadsheets already  

Also, Gagrl, thank you so much - your outline was REALLY helpful and means a lot to me that you remember all the high level details - thank you!

[Radcliff]

DB,

Great work!  I'm very glad to hear that you feel like you're working well with your lawyer.  I have a similar situation, and it eases the stress greatly.  That feeling of working with a rational person who is skilled and on your side is empowering.

You may not have time for this, and it may not be something that you feel is necessary.  If you think there is a chance she might escalate to a dangerous level, or threaten to call the police to get you out of the home, one thing that you might consider doing is stopping by the police station in the morning and introducing yourself, and ask to talk to an officer, hopefully the sergeant on duty.  Tell them what your wife did (taking your daughter without permission and filing a complaint with accusations) and let them know you'll be sleeping in the basement and doing whatever you can to avoid conflict.  Let them know you may call them if things get out of hand, and if she calls them, it won't be because you're doing anything, and you'll be ready to greet them peacefully on their arrival.  It's probably a good idea to check with your lawyer before you do this.

What do you anticipate her worst case behavior being if the two of you are in the house together Wednesday night and she's upset?

WW

[SlyQQ]

There is a chance she will arrive with police in tow and perhaps even a court order, i dont no how but,,,

[livednlearned]

I sent my STBX a text message and an e-mail stating that I would be calling to speak with my daughter at 7:15pm. Then at 7:15pm I called, and she did NOT answer. So I sent another text and e-mail stating that she did not answer and that I would be available until 8pm for her to return my call. She did not, and at 7:59pm she sent a note saying "As you have previously been informed, all contact must be through my lawyer."

SO - this validates what I had expected, it gives us more ammunition for alienation claims

So get a good response to this. "All contact must be through my L" needs to be countered with something. That way, your judge (if/when it comes to that) can see that mom seemed to be genuinely obstructing access, without any valid excuse.

Your wife can be excused for being naive about this. Keep making attempts to talk to your D, and see if your L has a good response or way to handle this.

You are creating a paper trail of exhibits that could potentially be used in court to counter her claims. You don't want that story to be, "He never called to talk to D4." And you don't want that story to be, "He was a bully, and told me he would see me in court with my head on a platter." Or, "He texted, emailed, phoned 248 times in an hour."

You want the story to be, Let's focus on what is best for D4. I want to be assured that she is ok, and to make sure she knows I'm here. She's 4, and this sudden absence is going to be confusing for her. I consulted with a child psychologist experienced with divorce transitions, and she recommended best steps so that D4 feels safe and loved by both parents throughout this."

Stuff like that.

Of course, check with your L. And check to see how the "talk to my lawyer" stall will be countered.

Your greatest hurdle may end up being this whole world of stonewalling -- it's passive aggression on a whole other level, especially when someone like your wife's lawyer gets involved. 

[Jeffree]

DB77,

Have you and your L discussed how to handle your STBx's and D's immanent arrival at the house?

I would almost bet STBx will arrive w/o D to really set off your alarms and goad you into some kind of dialogue/behavior that will cause a ruckus that will involve the police and get you tossed from the house and have something on file against you.

DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT!

If she does in fact show up without your D, perhaps others here can recommend what to do, but I would ask firmly where is D4 once and based on what STBx says gauge your response from there. Perhaps file a missing person's report if she does not confirm for you where D4 is and when you will be able to be in touch with her? Perhaps call the police to at least mediate the conversation from there?

W/O D at the house I would certainly not engage much with your STBx. She knows she needs leverage against you and will stop at nothing to create the opportunity to get it.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, sir.

J

[Radcliff]

Your greatest hurdle may end up being this whole world of stonewalling -- it's passive aggression on a whole other level, especially when someone like your wife's lawyer gets involved. 

This is a good point, livednlearned.  The stonewalling is an attempt to regain or maintain control.  The flip side is that it can make us feel powerless and out of control.  If we are wired to collaborate, the stonewalling is hard for us to wrap our brains around (it is for me, at least).  My wife recently lost a disagreement with me (where I played by the rules and followed the recommendations of a court appointed evaluator).  Immediately afterward, she began stonewalling on three time sensitive issues.  It was triggering for me.  I dealt with it by sending a timeline and .pdf's of three e-mail chains to my lawyer, each showing me being friendly and collaborative and her stonewalling.  The timeline and e-mail chains tell a pretty clear story.  My point is to be ready for the stonewalling to upset you, and channel that energy into honing your behavior to be polite and assertive, and documenting.  If you continue this, she will do all the hard work for you!

WW

[DaddyBear77]

Great point Jeffree - i didnt think about what to do if STBX didnt bring D4 home. I think the first thing I’d do is contact STBX’s mother. Thats pretty much the only other person that cares for D4 out of the house. If i confirmed that MIL did not have her, i would most certianly go the missing persons route after trying to contact my attorney for confirmation.

A bit of positive news first... .

My attorney is good friends with one of the attorneys at STBX’s firm. My attorney called and emailed her friend about the stonewalling last night. My attorney got a note back first thing this morning from STBX’s attorney saying simply “Contacting [my client] now about your e-mail below.  I will make sure she allows him to communicate with their daughter. “

So, we’ll see where that gets us.

As i wait to see how this unfolds, here are my thoughts assuming D4 shows up as expected.

When D4 gets here, she’ll know I’m here before they even open the door because my car is in the driveway. My daughter will knock on the basement door the minute she comes in the house. My wife will insist she uses the bathroom and washes her hands. Im trying to figure out at which point, if any, I should open the door and greet my daughter? Technically I did not propose parenting time for me today. But that being said, the last thing I want to do is ignore my daughter. One alternate option is that I could leave the house before they get here and come back late tonight when I know she’s in bed - calling at 7pm of course and FaceTiming. But then there’s the risk with me being gone for an extended period that my STBX could call a locksmith and change the locks. Which is what my attorney advised me to protect against.

I’m probably just going to stay, recorder running, and try and calmly get time with D4. I’ll walk away from any escalation. I’m still thinking things through. It’ll be a last minute call either way.

[livednlearned]

Good that you are proactive, WW!

I found that stonewalling was rarely if ever punished, even when called out.

It kinda falls into this mash-up of low-level undesirable but tolerated human behavior. Everyone is busy, everyone has scheduling conflicts, everyone overlooks emails, people get dates wrong.

So WW's advice to keep track is good. I used a Google calendar and entered things each day they happened. Then, when I was getting ready to pull it all together, I printed my calendar out in agenda view and it dumped things out chronologically. I could see the patterns much easier that way.

Another pro tip   is to create a pattern that can be documented. Try to shine light on the stonewalling.

And stay on top of your L -- she may have some legitimate reasons to allow slippage (it gives her more time to catch her breath, for one).

"My wife is stonewalling on this item. What is our plan to counter this or shine light on it?"

If you're trying to minimize how much communication by email you're doing with your L (ka-ching), then just document it and keep it organized. Three-ring binders and dividers became my new best friend  

[formflier]

Do you have the idea that other people (not your wife) are caring for your daughter?

And... confirm there is no agreement in place?

Here is the thing (please confirm with lawyer first)... .and then think through the wisdom of such actions... .

With no agreement in place... .a parent always wins.  

So... if aunt sally is given the child by the child's mother.  The mother leaves and goes who knows where.  The Dad shows up at Aunt Sally's and says he is taking child to do something.  The Dad has the legal right to do so... .

Hope that makes sense.

It's one thing for a parent to take a kid and spend  time with that kid (even it that results in another parent missing out) (both parties have equal legal rights).

It's another for a separate adult to "have custody" of the child, when one of the parents doesn't want the child gone and the other parent is not physically at the same location.

A couple years ago I was close to exercising this right a few times.  Eventually the issue I was upset about (who was caring for kids when) got solved... .I had all my papers together to prove who I was, letter from lawyer... .etc etc.

FF

[ForeverDad]

Have you and your L discussed how to handle your STBx's and D's immanent arrival at the house?

I would almost bet STBx will arrive w/o D to really set off your alarms and goad you into some kind of dialogue/behavior that will cause a ruckus that will involve the police and get you tossed from the house and have something on file against you.

DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT!

If she does in fact show up without your D, perhaps others here can recommend what to do, but I would ask firmly where is D4 once and based on what STBx says gauge your response from there. Perhaps file a missing person's report if she does not confirm for you where D4 is and when you will be able to be in touch with her? Perhaps call the police to at least mediate the conversation from there?

W/O D at the house I would certainly not engage much with your STBx. She knows she needs leverage against you and will stop at nothing to create the opportunity to get it.

She knows you really care about your daughter and as Jeffree warned is very likely to use that against you, to sabotage your parenting.  She will posture as a parent threatened and a victim and she has to protect 'her' child from a dangerous person.  Anything and everything you do, whether in person, in writing, by email or by text, you must always behave as though the judge and lawyers are watching over your shoulder.  You can't risk losing your cool, no matter how much she pushes your buttons.

My ex had blocked all, I mean ALL, my father-preschooler contact for over 3 months, she even ignored phone calls.  During this time he turned 4 years of age and I think she did allow a birthday call but that was it.  She claimed my daily phone calls and messages (calmly left for our son, not her) were harassment and stalking.  Court was outraged and gave her severe consequences, right?  NO!  All the magistrate did was comment, "I'll fix that."  Then he made another temp order similar to the prior one where I had alternate weekends.  No consequences for her and no make-up time for me.  Yes, that peeved me to no end but I had to accept it.

My point is... .while you are justifiably upset over her actions, be careful, the professionals are not emotionally involved and they may view this as just another day at work.  You having a fit and making a scene won't help.  You can ask for consequences, make-up time, whatever would avoid future incidents like this, etc but know when to pause and not go too far.

Who's not allowing you to see your daughter - your ex or the court?  I'm sure your answer is your ex, right?  Well, the fact is that many of our ex-spouses are controlling and entitled as parents.  They feel/felt that they were in charge, after all, they're Mother.  The fact is that if there are no court orders, something in writing detailing the assignment of custody or a parenting schedule, then it is a virtual free-for-all.  Both parents have undefined rights as parents, and equal rights if they were married.  Too often the mothers demand control and there's little to stop them.  If police are called they're likely to default to asking the father to step back and let mother have the kids... .until the father gets court to set boundaries and schedules in place.

In my separation and divorce that was my situation.  When I was between orders, the prior separation ones had been dismissed and I was waiting for the divorce case to be heard, my then-stbEx refused any father-child contact, not even by phone.  (He was a preschooler then and so I didn't even have school as a neutral ground.)  I sought out the local police for help, could they accompany me so I could see my child?  They declined, telling me to get a court order in hand and then they'd help.  Yet when I asked what would happen if I went alone and she called them, they they said they'd rush to her rescue.  Since I didn't want to be arrested on her posturing as a victim or target, I waited on court.  That was 3 months of no contact.  The magistrate simply confirmed she had blocked me for 3 months, said "I'll fix that" and issued a new order similar to the last granting me alternate weekends and a 3 hour evening in between.  No consequences for her.  No make-up time for me.

So if you don't have any orders concerning a parenting schedule then you have to be careful not to get in trouble as a stalker or harasser.  Yes, silly warning but necessary.  Some laws, such as The Violence Against Women Act in the USA, cast women as the default victims and targets.  Meanwhile, what are you doing to get court action?  After all, though she sees herself as The Authority, the fact is that court is The Real Authority.  A slight added bonus is that court is usually "less unfair" than the ex.

[Radcliff]

DB, why would you be behind a closed door in your house when your daughter arrives home after you haven't seen her for 10 days?  I would be scrubbing pots or otherwise cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry in the living room, or otherwise right in the center of the house.  It's your house, too.  That is not escalating.  Your wife may say it is, but that is ridiculous.  You would have to be ready for her response, and you'll want to look for opportunities to de-escalate and not provoke, so I'm not advising that you go overboard.  But for you to just "happen" to be cleaning the kitchen when they get home is not provocative.  Then your daughter hugs you and you follow her cues, with courtesy towards your wife.  You don't need permission from your wife to spend time with your daughter.  Reading or playing a game in a common space of the house might be good.  Your wife might be annoyed, but that seems like a better story to tell than taking her to a basement room if your wife is making allegations (at least in the first hours while you're assessing the situation). 

Now, don't you feel the need to cook a very complicated late afternoon meal, using lots of pots and pans?  Something with burned on cheese that could keep you in the kitchen for a long time?

WW

[DaddyBear77]

Good point, WW - i probably should have come up with a plan to be in the open areas for the reason being its my property too. But i just sent this note so i should probably stick with it:

DB-STBX,

I trust your attorney has contacted you and instructed you to allow me to have communication with our daughter. If not, please contact your attorneys office immediately for further guidance.

Shortly after your arrival today, I would request that you allow D4 to spend time with me in the finished basement area of the house, where I will be residing for the time being.

At your earliest convenience please give D4 permission to knock on my door, at which time I will meet her and escort her downstairs.

Please advise me as to whether or not you have plans with her tonight and at what times those plans are to commence. I will bring D4 to you at the time you request.

Thank you,
DB

The main reason i did this was to prevent what usually happens. If theres confusion or lack of communication between my wife and i regarding D4, my wife will always claim “ownership” of the time and escalate in fromt of D4. If i stand my ground, she’ll reach in and grab D4. If i try and hold D4’s hand or hug her because she’s clinging to me, my wife will grab for her.

Now more than ever i need to avoid that scene.

[ForeverDad]

I faced increasing conflict in the final months together before separation and divorce.  I felt I needed to protect myself from allegations (which yes eventually were made) and document that I wasn't the one behaving badly.  By the time the divorce was over I had 3 digital recorders, just in case one or another was full or had dying batteries.  This was before I had a phone that could include recording apps.  In the early years no one wanted to listen to them but they were my 'insurance' just in case needed.  And having my proof I wasn't the aggressor or the one raging helped me sleep a bit better at night.

However, I didn't wave my recorder around in her face.  Usually it was in a pocket, unadvertised, so I wasn't tempting an incident by waving a red flag in front of a bull.  While recordings might have demonstrated how poorly she behaved, my stated purpose was to document about me, that I wasn't behaving poorly.

[formflier]

DB77,

Probably wise to keep it low key and set some boundaries in the house for a few days. 

If the temp is steady or decreases... .that's when I would have some more activity in the common area of the house.

Again... it's your house... .

but... good move being cautious at the start.

remember... .bait will be there... a lot of it.  Ignore it.

FF

[GaGrl]

DB, it's time for you to walk around with a really sensitive voice-activated recorder in your shirt pocket.

[ForeverDad]

Courts have had a reputation for reluctance to listening to recordings.  But usually that is months after the incident.  Often the police are willing to listen to a recording before carting us off to jail, that could save you from being carted away (police usually separate the parents to defuse the immediate incident) or arrested (sorry, women are generally considered the victims).

I called police one time.  Two officers came.  Both spoke with her, one spoke wth me.  I was asked to hand our preschooler over to his mother and "step away".  He had been quietly sobbing in my arms until then.  When I tried to comply he started shrieking and clinging tighter to me.  The officer stared at me for a few moments then said "work it out" and they left.  Months later when I hired my divorce lawyer he mused that he had been a police officer years before and policy was to drive off with one of the disputing parties.  He was surprised I wasn't carted off.  Ever since I've considered that my preschooler 'saved' me that day.

Yes, my recorder had been running but its speaker didn't work and so sadly it was of no help then.  The recording that day was later used in court when she faced a Threat of DV charge.  However, judge applied case law which surprised the ADA, said the threats weren't 'imminent' and declared her Not Guilty.

[formflier]

A recording kept my bro in law from being arrested... .my SIL was very convincing to the police... .after smashing her arm in a car door several times.

A recording went in my favor a couple of times when "a matter of truth" came up in counseling situations.

Of course... .my paranoid wife accused me of "faking" the recording... .and the counselor then understood a bit better.

Recordings are great to have for YOUR sanity.  Using them for other purposes... .you need to think through long and hard.  Obviously let police listen... .anytime it could be an issue.

FF

[Radcliff]

DB, I understand the situations you describe entirely.  You are right to focus on what your daughter sees.

When prudence allows it, I would through actions not words try to walk back "residing" to just mean "sleeping."  There isn't a kitchen down in the basement is there?  Cook for your daughter we in the kitchen.  Cook for yourself whenever you are hungry.  Clean up after everyone and note it in your journal.

Give us an update on how this evening went!

WW

[DaddyBear77]

Give us an update on how this evening went!

Things went amazingly well. The note i sent had the intended effect. Daughter walks in, uses the barhroom, knocks on door, and i am parenting the rest of the day. Lunch, dinner, bath, bed, all without a bit of confrontation or baiting.

This morning, D4 comes down at 6:30 or so, quite early for her on a non-school day. I make a bed for her, she sleeps a bit, plays a couple games, and then Mom took over at about 8:30.

This afternoon will be another test. I had proposed an interim plan, but she refused to accept it. So i sent her a note “Per my proposed agreement, i will be home at 1pm to begin my time with D4” She writes back “There is currently no agreement. However, if you would like to spend time with D4, I am ok with that and request that you tell me generally where you will be and what time you’ll be back”

All in all it’s good so far, but the issues in front of the court now are weighing heavily on my mind. These allegations of neglect and cruelty are so twisted yet I can see how someone might believe them if they were reading them the first time. I guess that’s what my attorney is for, to guide me through that?

[formflier]

I'm so happy for you that you got to spend some time with your daughter... .and I must say that it appears your stbx is being sort of reasonable... .for the moment.

FF

[ForeverDad]

I had proposed an interim plan, but she refused to accept it. So i sent her a note “Per my proposed agreement, i will be home at 1pm to begin my time with D4” She writes back “There is currently no agreement. However, if you would like to spend time with D4, I am ok with that and request that you tell me generally where you will be and what time you’ll be back”

What defines a personality disorder?  Traits, which we all have, are distorted and unbalanced to such an extreme that it morphs the person's perceptions, thinking and behaviors.

So look at her refusal to accept your proposal.  In her mind it weakens her Authority and Control so of course it is rejected.  Would you feel inclined to accept a schedule that weakened your world?  For you, those are background inclinations.  For her, they're screaming at her to reject and overreact.  Though we can understand where she is at, her perceptions still are not healthy or positive.

However, despite her refusal to agree, ponder how she responds to your notification of "I will... ."  It doesn't trigger her overmuch.  She allows it in general so she is not totally oppositional and obstructive at this point.  That's good.  You set a boundary, namely, "this is what I will do as parent" and she doesn't challenge that boundary.  Try not to let her weaken that boundary.  Often new boundaries are opposed with extinction bursts of extreme demands to overwhelm your new boundaries.

... .tell me generally where you will be and what time you’ll be back

A caution here.  Her request is understandable with the current level of discord in your lives.  You could even picture yourself requesting that.  It's okay not to leave her totally in the dark or inflame her with "I will do whatever, go wherever and whenever I want" retort.  But be careful she doesn't become your parental monitor.  Don't give her any support to claims that you need to be supervised.  Many of our disordered spouses claimed in court that we needed court ordered supervision, monitoring, reduced overnights or reduced time with our children.  Too often courts are willing to lean toward the concept of mothers controlling and hogging parenting, that is is socially okay to relegate fathers to alternate weekends and paying mother child support.  There is every reason for you to properly counter, or at least not acquiesce to, anything that would limit your reasonable parenting.

[livednlearned]

However, if you would like to spend time with D4, I am ok with that and request that you tell me generally where you will be and what time you’ll be back”

This is fascinating.

She is ok with you spending time with D4.

Yet you have six horns and breathe fire.

So what is it? Are you ok or not?

She doesn't seem to have this part of the story straight.

You'll likely see more of this. She'll make allegations, and then there will be strange gaps in the emotional integrity of what she says and does.

Keep communicating by email.

":)4 had a nice time this afternoon so I think we'll go back and do the same thing again tomorrow. She talked about making cookies with you last week -- that was a big hit. It's good she seems happy and for the most part, is doing ok while we adjust to new arrangements."

Stuff like that to show you can focus on D4 and even toss out a nice compliment despite the sturm und drang going on around you.

It speaks to your character and gives you an alternative narrative to what she is trying to say about you.

[Radcliff]

That's fantastic that you had such a good day!

Save her e-mail and any other e-mails talking about giving you unsupervised time with your daughter in a special folder where they'll be easy to find later.

Start a journal of your daily care of your daughter.  I love livednlearned's e-mail idea.  Not only could you e-mail her, but you could send a daily e-mail to one of your parents, a sibling, or a trusted friend who would be willing to testify for you in court.  This would be time-stamped contemporaneous evidence of your activities with your daughter.

WW

[Notwendy]

That must have been a shock to return home and see your family gone. I don't have legal advice- not having gone through divorce, but wanted to add that I have seen this inconsistency. As livednlearn said- you have six horns and yet, she leaves your child with you.

As to that marital agreement you signed possibly under duress. I have seen that pattern with my parents- BPD mother would want something from my father- something against his better judgment and yet, he would do it- either to keep the peace, or after being pressured/berated into it. Whatever it was she wanted- to her, it had some magical quality to it- it would be the "one thing" to save their marriage, make her happy, but it didn't work for the long run. The other side of this pattern has been that giving in reinforced these behaviors and so they persisted.

I am glad you are working with a lawyer and I encourage you to stand strong, not cruel, but strong and do not give in to emotions in the moment. I say this because of dealing with my BPD mother now as an adult. She isn't an evil person, but the nature of her mental illness is that, in victim mode, she is relentless and capable of emotional cruelty to a degree I can't even think of. This is where I see that I don't think like her-and we tend to think that the people we are close to are like-minded about how we relate to others. I can't even imagine saying or doing these things-  and the way I need to deal with her is to understand how she is thinking. If I don't - I feel blindsided or take the behaviors personally. She isn't criminal-she would not cause bodily harm- but when she feels like a victim, she can say anything to get her way and be manipulative and she has fabricated things about me to others.

I am glad you spent some time with your daughter. I agree with the advice to getting your legal rights to parenting solid legally. You may hopefully see more of her.  Solo parenting can be challenging and I don't think your STBXW has experienced what that is like. Even with a parenting agreement, you might find she wants you to keep your daughter on "her" time or she may also change her mind when it is "your" time.

[ForeverDad]

Setting aside whether that "postnup" is legally valid (it would at least have needed to be notarized or perhaps even had legal representation) "signed under duress" is one approach.  Another approach would be that it no longer applies since you subsequently learned additional information that makes such paperwork outdated and unenforceable.

That concept is one I've mentioned before.  Some spouses or parents arrive here as new members stating they promised ____.  Well, yes they did but they didn't know the whole story.  They didn't realize the other's behaviors matched abnormal Personality Disorder traits.  We all have have personality traits, that's what makes us unique from assembly line robots.  However, when they're to an extreme, dysfunctional and unhealthy then that makes the prior promises in need of review and reconsideration.