Fighting the cycle and the divorce threats.

[eggshellfiancee]

My UBPD husband and I have been married for about four months.  I knew he was dealing with UBPD before I married him, but I love him so much I couldn't stand the thought of not marrying him.  

The first month of our marriage was the best I had seen him. He was in a true honeymoon phase and everything was perfect. We had little fights but nothing like some of the big blow ups I'd experienced before.  Then he fell into a rage, over what? I cannot even remember, and he spent about a week telling me how awful I was before he came out of it.

Last month he was saying he wanted to divorce for the whole first two weeks of the month. I had just started a new job I was excited about and love and was trying to enjoy it, but he couldn't stop making threats. I went away for a few days and that helped, but then it was still another week or so before he fully emerged from his rage. He was depressed, withdrawn, and teling me that he didn't want to divorce me but didnt know how he could continue being so miserable. I followed all the relationship rules and tried to maintain my calm, which eventually helped him come out.  Everythign was good for a couple of weeks, however he got sick. He then flipped out because I hadn't been coming on to him physically for the past month. I tried to explain that I knew better than to try when he was upset and that now he was sick so I didn't think he was up for it, he said those were just excuses and taht I must not be attracted to him and am not meeting his physical needs (he was hypersexual in his single days and often talks about how he misses those times).  

Anyway, he went away again and came back around, and everythign has been great since he got back. Like, really some of the best times we've ever had. I have been really on top of taking care of his needs in every way and he's responded beautifully ... .until yesterday.

Yesterday we got into an argument about finances and he basically told me I had ruined his credit (we dont have any joint accounts or credit ), and therefore ruined his life and everything he's worked for. He went on a destructive rampage and said he was going to get a divorce - that he's been talking to his lawyer and it should be easy paperwork - no kids, no shared property, etc. He destroyed many cherished items of mine because he feels like "i love my things more than I love him." He told me we are officially through and made me pack a bag and said I should start lookign for somewhere else to live.

I know him, I know his cycle, and I already see him coming out of it today, which meeans by the end of the week he will be lovely and sweet again - but for how long? and at what cost? I am so scared to lose him but so tired of living like this. He knows he needs help but doesn't do anythign about it, only brings it up when he's feeling fine, and then gets mad if I bring it up when he's upset. He's in therapy, but I don't think his therapist is helping him much as he's been seeing her for a while.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to lay it all out there and see if anyone has any suggestions or help.

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[formflier]

Is this the first time he has destroyed things?

Can you put that in context?  What was it that was destroyed?

My quick reaction is someone that is breaking things... .sounds like they are getting worse and I worry that self control is lacking.  What's the next step if this goes unaddressed?

Perhaps find a place to go so you can feel safe.

Perhaps when his cycle turns and he wants you back, perhaps he will be motivated for therapy.

How does this sound?

FF

[eggshellfiancee]

This is not the first time, he's done it a few times before. the biggest one was a really fancy juicer that my parents had given to me as a graduation gift. It was really meaningful to me (in a long and complicated way I wont get into), btu I hadn't been able to use it for a while. He was upset over the apartment being too cluttered and went on a rampage. That day he got rid of the juicer, my blender (because he also had a blender from before we lived togther), and a crock pot.  It was awful.

He's since destroyed a souvenier from a trip to europe, several framed photos around the apartment (That was what he did last night as well).  Lest night he also ripped the pages out of two books I've had since childhood that I was holding on to - one because i reread it often and loved that it was the same copy i'd had for over twenty years, and the other was a picture book by a local author where I grew up who had autographed it for me as a child. It was one of my favorite childhood books. I was hoping to save it for my children one day. He ripped the pages out and the cover.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey eggshell, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of those two books that were obviously meaningful to you.  My BPDxW used to go on similar rampages that resulted in destruction of my personal stuff.  I lacked good boundaries and had no idea how to cope with her rages.  It sounds like you are in a similar predicament.  As FF says, the first priority is your safety.  Someone who is breaking things is not far from getting physically violent and it's important that you take steps to protect yourself.  Do you have somewhere you could go until things cool off?  Is there a close friend or family member with whom you can confide?  It things get out of hand, don't hesitate to call 911.

LuckyJim

[eggshellfiancee]

Thank you. He appears to be at the beginning of his "cool down" but I am not sure how long that will last. I do have some people I can stay with and am considering going away this weekend. I am thankful that I have a solid support network, but I also only let a few people in on what's happening because many of our friends are mutual friends and I don't want to cause drama there (he also flipped once when I told my mom about what was happening, so I just avoid letting him know that people know what's going on and try to keep it at a minimum). 

[formflier]

  Someone who is breaking things is not far from getting physically violent and it's important that you take steps to protect yourself. 

I think him flipping out when you told your Mom is key.

"The light needs to be shined on destruction" 

Just to be clear... .when you said "got rid of things"... .are you saying smashed and then through out or just put in the trash with you saying no?

It seems clear there were other things that were "ripped"

Was anything "smashed" or "broken"... .like flung against the wall or beaten with a hammer?

Here is something to consider (I'm not directing anything)

What if you had a talk with him and calmly let him know the next time something is smashed you are bringing his friends over for accountability?

Or perhaps give him the choice now.  He can "keep it professional" and see counseling and anger management with professional therapists... .or you can bring in his friends/family for accountability.

I wouldn't say it upfront... .but you may need to say that without one of those options, you will move out now... .or perhaps move out if there are ANY more things broken in anger.

Thoughts?

Did you answer how often this has happened before?  I need to read again.


FF

[formflier]

This is not the first time, he's done it a few times before. 

Do you want this to end?

Are you willing to keep living with him with him randomly breaking stuff in anger

Just to be clear... .he didn't "drop" stuff did he... .he meant to break it... .did he try to "send you a message"?

FF

[eggshellfiancee]

I d on't know exactly how many times it has happened in the past, but enough for it to be a pattern.

He BREAKS things. like, smashes them over his leg, stomps on them, violently throws them intot he trash so they break.

I want the pattern to end, not the relationship. He is wonderful the majority of the time, but when the switch flips, it flips hard, and it's exhausting always waiting for it to flip.

[AskingWhy]

I d on't know exactly how many times it has happened in the past, but enough for it to be a pattern.

He BREAKS things. like, smashes them over his leg, stomps on them, violently throws them intot he trash so they break.

I want the pattern to end, not the relationship. He is wonderful the majority of the time, but when the switch flips, it flips hard, and it's exhausting always waiting for it to flip.

My uBPD/uNPD H is also like this.  

Make no mistake, your H breaking and disposing of your property is wrong.  Your description is just like a typical pwBPD and Jekyll and Hyde.

pwBPD lack self-regulation.  When they go on rampages, it's called "dysregulation."  My H has destroyed several of my things in anger.  This is a projection of their rage.  Usually it's rage for a parent or another person, and it sadly gets directed at the innocent spouse.  In the case of my H, it's partially rage towards his parents, but also his x W who had an affair and divorced him, taking the children.

These destructive rages are a form of abuse--pure and simple.  It's a way of saying to you, "This could be your face."  It's a means of controlling you with his rage--a veiled threat.  

I agree with Lucky Jim on the seriousness of protecting yourself.  If you are not in counseling, I suggest you find a counselor--and then go alone.  At this point in your marriage, you do not need joint counseling, and joint counseling may cause the violence to escalate.

I have been in my marriage for over 20 years and found the behaviour of my H confusing.  I went to counseling and now have a better grasp of what is going on and I have skills to divert his rages.

Most of all, do not engage in the rages as this fuels the drama your H seems to crave.  

I wish you the best as you try to understand the mechanisms that cause your H's destructive ways.  Also, divorce threats are common in abusive situations.  Just last month I got six divorce threats over a period of three days.  He even made a big show of researching family attorneys in front of me.  This has been going on for over 10 years and yet he never carries through.  (I am ready, however, if he chooses to serve me.)

You will learn a lot here.

[formflier]

I want the pattern to end, not the relationship. He is wonderful the majority of the time, but when the switch flips, it flips hard, and it's exhausting always waiting for it to flip.

So... .part of the pattern is he comes back to you and in some way tries to "make up"... right?

push pull... .he pulls you back.

So... .listen... .until he "thinks" that his booboo may actually push you away... .he has little incentive to change it... right?

Said another way, you will likely have to give him the choice and he may have to experience some action... .so that he understands... .me break things... she gone... .

I don't break things... she sticks around.

Do you understand the basic dynamic?

FF

[Lucky Jim]

I also only let a few people in on what's happening because many of our friends are mutual friends and I don't want to cause drama there (he also flipped once when I told my mom about what was happening, so I just avoid letting him know that people know what's going on and try to keep it at a minimum).

Hey eggshell, I can understand your reluctance about bringing too many in on what's happening, yet I would caution you about keeping his behavior a secret, which only allows it to continue if not escalate.  As FF notes:

"The light needs to be shined on destruction" 

Let the chips fall, is my suggestion.  You don't need to protect another adult from his/her own destructive behavior.

LJ

[formflier]

I wonder if you are aware of his FOO?  Do they routinely "cover up" for each other?  Do they hold each other accountable?

Do they hold themselves accountable?

I would encourage you to reflect on "how did he get to be this way?".  Lucky Jim and I certainly seem to have ideas about what you should do.

You know him much better than we do.

If you have ideas on how we got to this point... .and you are not happy with "this point", what do you think of the wisdom of doing things differently... .going forward?

Thoughts?

FF

[eggshellfiancee]

Thanks for engaging. 

He grew up in an incredibly abusive household with parents who did not love each other and routinely had affairs. He actually found out just a year ago that his dad fathered another son when he was in high school as the son reached out to him. He was sexually abused by family members and his parents knew of this and did not act upon it. He does not speak to any members of his immediate family.

There is a definite push-pull dynamic. One day i'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and he cant get enough of me and cant wait for me to get home from work, and then the next day i'm the worst thing in his life and he wishes we'd never met.

He has cut off people he loves before even when it hurts, so if I were to leave he would likely just cut himself off.

Last night he sat me down and told me that he doesn't want a divorce right now because he doesn't think it would be helpful to his situation. He's looking at the situation purely from business perspective - I owe him a few hundred dollars and have debt that he keeps fearing will affect him (I've handled it just fine up until we got together so I don't know why he's so obsessed with it - we were together for a whole year with him knowing it existed and knowing I was handling it before he ever even brought it up, but once he did he became obsessed - i went to an expensive graduate school... .i'm in a public service loan forgiveness program that will erase my debt in a few years), and he says he is able to separate his feelings from the practical - which is he thinks I am hurting him financially. He said that if I don't shape up my finances he has no qualms about leaving me no matter how much he loves me. I can very much understand finances being a priority, but he is taking things that aren't really having a drastic effect and literally equating them with shortening his lifespan.

[formflier]

So... ."sit him down"... .and have a similar conversation about the things you care about.

I would not be as explicit as the threats he made... .but I do think you should be clear about "what doesn't work for you"

Let him stew on it for a while.

FF

[Red5]

I wish you the best as you try to understand the mechanisms that cause your H's destructive ways.  Also, divorce threats are common in abusive situations.  Just last month I got six divorce threats over a period of three days.  He even made a big show of researching family attorneys in front of me.  This has been going on for over 10 years and yet he never carries through.  (I am ready, however, if he chooses to serve me.)

Good Afternoon eggshellfiancee,

AskingWhy makes a good point here,

Divorce threats are just that, threats... .divorce is certainly not a “drive through fast food” mater, no it is not, .actually it’s a long term commitment, oh yes, maybe a strange way to describe, but the truth, its takes funding, time, sometimes years and years to complete, oh’ yes!, and there's lots of homework, and lots of logistics... .trust me, if he were serious, he would not use it as a tool of manipulation during an argument, he would go about it calm and collected.

My u/BPDw once threatened me pretty seriously with divorce; Christmas was a year ago now, she even wrote me a "note", telling me I was the one who would solicit the lawyer, and pay for the entire thing... .yeah, whatever, .I saved that note… and did nothing, and it all blew over… as it always does.

I have to be honest, when I was pushed into a corner, and the raging had gone on for days and days I too would blurt out (extinction burst), .I WANT A DIVORCE, that’s it, I’m DONE... .did I really mean it, well I am still here... .

Yes, again, divorce requires a long term commitment, time, money, homework, logistics... .and once the trigger is really pulled, and the levers of legality are really actuated, and the arming train of the dooms day device is really initiated, it takes a lot to stop it, and then even a great effort to re-start it again.

I would brush it off, and tell him, if that's the way you feel, we'll talk again about it at a later time (a week)... .guarantee it will pass, .until the next time he gets angry... .there needs to be a boundary, that if the word [divorce] is used, even in a fight, it carries the weight of a promise, and it’s meant.

Sounds to me that you need to take charge here, and set some healthy boundaries so that you can recoup some degree of control/protection in the relationship, sounds like he is running the board right now, and he is being quite destructive about it, .certainly not a good thing for either of you, .and destruction of your things is a NOGO!... .constant dysregulations is also a NOGO... .needs to stop, .boundaries boundaries boundaries !

Tough times, I know, its a tool of manipulation this divorce threat(s), and constant extinction burst, but hang in there,

Get smart, learn all you can, and come here to vent and as well learn, knowledge will deliver you !

Red5