Worried and unsure of what to do

[Harriet123]

My daughter (17) has been very challenging to be around since she was able to walk and talk. I don't know where to start to describe all her traits, but a summary would be secrecy, alternating between being clingy to me and completely rejecting me, blaming others for everything that goes wrong for her, hating herself too at times, having only short-term friendships and romantic relationships (usually ending when the other person is seen to have let her down), extreme tidiness, seeing others as really good or really bad, alternating between being very chatty and silent, sneakiness, seeking attention but then pushing the person away, and having extreme emotional reactions to things (including getting angry).

I have felt for some time that she must have a condition of some sort, and have just been reading up about BPD and feel it really strikes a chord. But she completely refuses to talk about how she is feeling either to me or to any professional. I feel I should push her more towards getting professional help, but when I have tried to do this, she threatens to run away or to harm herself. Also, I am unsure whether it would helpful to have a diagnosis or whether that might make her feel even more despairing. I think she is desperately unhappy and I really want to help her, but just don't know how best to do so. I feel that the whole family is constantly treading on eggshells when we are around her.

I think that my own feelings about what is going on are exacerbated too by feelings of guilt that we (my husband and I) might have made her like this somehow. We have other children who are fine, but I still feel guilty that somehow this is our fault. I feel that we disciplined her too harshly (nothing terrible but just less patient than ideal) when she was young, but looking back, I think the reason this happened was that we were often pushed to the end of our tethers by her provocative behaviour, and would lose patience. An example would be one time when she awoke crying in the night (probably aged 3 or 4) and I went to her. She wouldn't let me cuddle her, give her any paracetamol (as I thought she was unwell) or do anything to comfort her, but when I tried to leave her to settle, she would yell for me to come back. This went on for some time, and - feeling exhausted - I ended up shouting at her (and then feeling bad). This pattern continues, though in different situations. I can sit and talk with her for an hour, but if I then say I need to go and do something else for one of the other kids but will return, she tells me not to bother because I clearly don't care.

Any advice or views from others whose loved ones have or might have BPD would be really gratefully received. Thank you in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Harriet123

I would like to welcome you here and also say how sorry I am for your situation.

I have felt for some time that she must have a condition of some sort, and have just been reading up about BPD and feel it really strikes a chord. But she completely refuses to talk about how she is feeling either to me or to any professional. I feel I should push her more towards getting professional help, but when I have tried to do this, she threatens to run away or to harm herself. Also, I am unsure whether it would helpful to have a diagnosis or whether that might make her feel even more despairing. I think she is desperately unhappy and I really want to help her, but just don't know how best to do so. I feel that the whole family is constantly treading on eggshells when we are around her.

It must be extremely frustrating for you that your daughter refuses to talk to you or any professional about her feelings. I get it, I used to think if only I could get my uBPD son to see someone, get a diagnosis then treatment, everything would then be fine. Sadly things don’t always turn out the way that we would like. Your daughter has already threatened to run away or harm herself, so probably would be best to just take a step back and let her know that you love her and will be there to help and support her when she feels ready.

I think that my own feelings about what is going on are exacerbated too by feelings of guilt that we (my husband and I) might have made her like this somehow. We have other children who are fine, but I still feel guilty that somehow this is our fault.

I’m sure that most if not all parents here will relate to the feelings of guilt, blaming themselves for what has happened to their child. I know I did. I was devastated but the truth is, neither you nor your husband are to blame for your daughters illness. It is not your fault that your daughter is predisposed to BPD, the proof is there, your other children are fine, so no need to beat yourself up over it.

There are lots of resources here, look to the right for tools and lessons 

I urge you to learn as much as you can about BPD, read others posts too, you will find so much help and support here x 

[Harriet123]

Thank you very much, Feeling Better, for your response. It is very warming and encouraging.
I know you are right in all you say there. I have let myself become diverted by my own guilt and thus got embroiled in self-analysis, whereas I need to use my energy instead to keep showing love to my daughter. I feel better knowing that this is enough for now. I have done better today already on this, and will read through the resources.
Thank you again for taking the time to respond to me.

[bluek9]

   Hi Harriet123,

              So very sorry to hear about the struggles you are going through right now. It's sad to say your post is a familar one in this place. Take comfort in knowing you are in the right place for support, hope, encouragement and understanding by all of here. Your feelings of exhaustion so understandable, been there go through it too.
             Often when learning about BPD we come across the info that this could have roots in trauma, I know it did for my daughter. I hear you about feeling guilty, how did I as a parent let this happen to my child. It took me a long time to deal with my feelings around all of this. No matter what, my child has a mental illness. I can't change that, so I change myself. In doing that I have a better way to communicate with her, love her and support her. When my daughter was little she also did what you're talking about. I could spent an hour loving on her, reading her a book, making sure everything was perfect to tuck her in at night. Only to make it to the door and have her tell me hatefully "you don't love me, you never spend time with me".
             there is hope Harriet123, keep posting.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Harriet123,

Thank you very much, Feeling Better, for your response. It is very warming and encouraging.
I know you are right in all you say there. I have let myself become diverted by my own guilt and thus got embroiled in self-analysis,whereas I need to use my energy instead to keep showing love to my daughter. I feel better knowing that this is enough for now. I have done better today already on this, and will read through the resources.
Thank you again for taking the time to respond to me.

I just want to point out the bit I have highlighted in yellow, it’s good that you want to divert your energy towards your daughter, however, don’t forget to save some of it for yourself, your health, your needs, they matter too. Self care is very important, especially now, you need to be looking after yourself so that you are able to deal with your daughter.

What’s your support system like?