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Beware of Junk Psychology... Just because it's on the Internet doesn't mean it's true. Not all blogs and online "life coaches" are reliable, accurate, or healthy for you. Remember, there is no oversight, no competency testing, no registration, and no accountability for many sites - it is up to you to qualify the resource. Learn how to navigate this complicated arena...
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Author Topic: I know it needs to be truly over now and it hurts so much  (Read 382 times)
blooming
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« on: April 23, 2018, 02:06:26 AM »

I know I can never take him back if he wanted me, if he contacted me again. I know my friends and family will hold me back no matter the cost. I know he has hurt me too much, I know I probably would never trust him like I did in the beginning, that it would never be like it used to be. Too much has happened. Too many words have been said, too many deeds have been done. Finding out he kissed another (+ added her on facebook and talked - probably flirted - to her on there) right in the middle of our relationship, when everything was still going great, and him denying it (which hurt even more), has been the final straw. I know that. I know that if I have any self respect, any self love, I should never ever take him back. He probably doesn't even want me, otherwise he would have contacted me already in the past 2.5 weeks. He is already dating another, forgetting me. Because if he cheated on me right in the middle of our relationship, when he used to say how happy he was with me and that he wanted us to be together for a very very long time, then apparently I didn't mean a lot to him.

It's very hard for me to cope with the fact that he cheated on me and that he denies doing it. I am someone who never gets angry at someone, I only know the feelings of sadness and hurting. I see everything as my fault, can't blame anything on him. I feel like I failed him. Like I apparently wasn't good enough, couldn't give him everything he needed. Not even back then, when I thought everything was heaven. I keep on thinking that apparently it was all an act to him, that he didn't love me. I keep thinking about whether or not he has done this more often. Why he stayed with me when he felt the desire to cheat on me.

I keep thinking that I put too much pressure on him, that I asked too much of him, that I wasn't there for him enough. I always tried my best. I never got angry with him, always was patient when he said his hurtful things or when he showed his controlling/manipulating side. But I failed him.

Something that helped me a bit was that I knew he cheated on (at least) one of his past girlfriends too, that he slept with one of his exes semi regularly while he was together with her. But then I remembered a message that ex he slept with at that time had sent me, saying something like "I suddenly remembered that after that summer he told me he didn't want to see me again, so that was probably when he was with *his girlfriend then*, but we did see eachother sometimes afterwards". So now I'm doubting whether he even cheated then, maybe it all just fitted in the timeframe and he only saw that ex when wasn't together with his girlfriend. So now I feel even more like it was my fault. If I am the only girflriend he cheated on, then I must have done something really wrong. And he was together with one of his other exes (the one he supposedly cheated on) for almost 3 years (with breaks inbetween), so I must have failed him because otherwise he would have stayed with me longer. And I know that with his other exes he kept on messaging and messaging them until they pretty much had to block him. He hasn't with me. He just went NC. So that's another example of why I think I didn't mean as much to him as those other exes did. I can't describe how much that hurts. He means the world to me.
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I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
Struggler123
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« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2018, 02:15:46 AM »

I'm gonna be honest with you and straight forward with you. The feelings you are feeling right now are of grief. You seem like an amazing girl, to be able to go through so much and still have your self respect intact. Remember, this may seem like its the end but its the beginning. Let me ask you something would you want to really take this person back despite all the damage he/she has done to you. They always say once a cheater always a cheater. Whether he admits it or not, that doesn't matter anymore. BPD's will never admit to anything unless caught red-handed and even at that the embarassment is too much for them to handle so they cut off ties. Everything is done on their terms, they have no empathy at all. They may seem like the most caring people, but its all a mask. You give into their needs, and if you don't they are off to the next. They can never be satisified with one person thats the thing, because their needs are constantly evolving. You will find someone that actually will never do those things to you. I am a pretty young guy myself, and I thought it was the end of the world when my ex suddenly decided to marry someone else, all in a matter of 4 days. But you see the thing is that, im not mad at her, I maintained my boundaries and my limits. I wanted to marry when I felt ready, the same way that you should be preparing yourself is that anyone that deserves to be in your life has to work for it. Why should you be the one putting in all the effort, when he's doing this. You have to remember that whether we like it or not we are attached to the IDEA of the person, not the REALITY. As for whether he has BPD or not is another struggle, and should not be anything for you to wander you mind over, but what you should be worried about is how your going to put an end to this, and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. I'm sure you will find the one, give it time, hang out with your friends, EXERCISE its the best thing. Music is another remedy, good luck and you can always talk here. Let me know what you think.

P.S.

You have to stop blaming yourself, theres nothing you could have done. It's not your fault, you were manipulated by lies and thats the worst feeling. Keep your head up, your a survivor.
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Ex2BPD

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« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2018, 03:24:50 AM »

I always tried my best. I never got angry with him, always was patient when he said his hurtful things or when he showed his controlling/manipulating side.

Oh Dear!
I can just feel your pain; I'm so sorry that you are going through this, Blooming.

There is a  saying, "Leave gently," and while you were with the man you loved so much, I hope you take pride in the fact that you can admit to yourself -- and the world -- that you DID try your best to take care of him.

There's not much that holds a candle to the bludgeoning cruelty that a BPD is able to inflict on a loved one.

I'm glad that you found this site. The one observation I have is that you will read hundreds of accounts from survivors/thrivers of a BPD breakup who are "charmed" by their past love once a subsequent affair breaks off -- they go back to what promises to be a fresh start/Honeymoon -- only to be back at Step One of recovery at the whim/or humiliating cruelties of their BPD. How many times would you want to go through what you are experiencing right this minute?

Struggler123 is right in asking the question of whether you would actually want this person back in your life. Can you imagine/ actually visualize how much you would have to get past?

Would you really want a return to the walking on eggshells? ... .The "why are you looking at me like that," questioning that BPD's impose and the fear that you may not be able to talk your way out of their impending rage? The drain on financial and time/social resources?

You seem strong. You are dignified. We have confidence that you can get through this without ever going back.

... .You taking care... .of You.




 

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Cromwell
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« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2018, 04:47:22 AM »

Im glad to hear that there is no going back, at this stage your emotions are still scrambling your logic about whats happened. You are lucky to have friends and family who have seen the hurt it has caused and are there to protect you from more happening.

so much of your story I see classic parts of BPD behaviour everywhere. this guy is a manipulator, and he has got you questioning your self worth.

far from being your "world" he put you through all this pain, not contacted you since he has been discovered, and still doesnt have the moral backbone to take at least a big part of that pain away by apologising, and letting you move on.

This 2.5 weeks is a bit more of a stand off, he is waiting to see if you contact him or not. he isnt too desperate because he already triangulated behind your back, and dont believe that you are so unlucky to happen to be the first ever r/s he has ever done this. highly unlikely.

if you do contact him, it would automatically put him at ease about his guilt over being discovered the cheating, not that he admits it anyway, but it shows that you still want to have him back regardless. the ball is in his court. Also with the passage of time, he hopes that the intitial shock and anger will ebb down, he doesnt have to answer difficult questions you may have and the fact that he knows how high you felt for him, that it will be hard to not see him for this length of time, hes using it not as a punishment but as a way of controlling you by playing with your emotions.

as for feeling bad that he hasnt been harassing you like previous r/s he has been in. trust me, you are very lucky if that becomes the case, it is still early days, id take this opportunity to fade-out of the scene slowly. you dont want to be harassed and stalked by a discarded BPD, it was one of the worst experiences ever. if he hadnt already set up another option, which appears he has, then you could have expected this to happen, especially if you had discarded him.

its probably the first time in my life ive said to someone "i hope you get angry", i actually really mean it, blooming!

if ever there was a time to express your anger, it is now. You say you "never get angry at someone", I think the truth really is you "never express your anger at someone".

please express it, take ownership of it, and release it appropiately to those who have hurt you. it will do you a great deal of hurt by keeping it within and probably explains a lot of what comes across as confused thinking about the role of victim and persecutor, lines being blurred in your story.

I suppose if you didnt give him sex whenever he wanted you to, that means you have failed him and you have basically allowed him to go and get sex elsewhere?

of course not. except... .

Exactly in the mind of how a PD thinks. (Ergo) this is the type of thinking pattern you are missing out on.


This is your time more than ever to be angry, your allowed to be angry, allow yourself to be, dont suppress it. I really think you managed to get away very fortunate, we all have different sensitivities im not comparing, but maybe in time youll realise that you dodged a bullet, once you have had time to get over this raw state and the shock of it all.

good luck overcoming this experience, blooming
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Agentblu

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« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2018, 04:54:33 AM »

I am in exactly the same boat with my now ex-wife, the love we had was amazing and at points magical. She split on me and started seeing me as black. When I left we were supposed to be taking some time apart to work things out, I was then told by my 15yr old daughter that within 4 days she was on POF chatting with loads of creepy guys and being told she was pretty. She keeps making comments to my daughter about fit guys in their street and she is talking to her ex who was abusive towards her. It is self-destructive, she has even been splitting on the kids telling them to get the f*** out of her house. I am pretty sure she was cheating on me at some point and even my daughter made that comment to me as well. The hardest part is thinking about what I could have done different, maybe this, maybe that and it has taken me a good few weeks to come to terms with the fact probably nothing. I loved her, told her she was beautiful every day and treated her like a queen. I now see that I should have been working on myself a lot more as I have become alone, alienated and lost a lot of my self-confidence through shutting myself off and just seeing her and my kids. The self-blame is a normal feeling and it hurts but the realisation that ITS NOT YOUR FAULT has to kick in and when it does it will feel like a weight has shifted. I miss my girl every second of every day and I hope she finds the help she needs to be happy one day, but that is on her now and I should never have put that on myself. The missing her part will take a lot longer to fade and I cant go NC as we have kids together. You cant blame yourself when this is involved and when someone is unfaithful to you then in my book that should be it. I was 100% loyal to her and even the thought of speaking to another woman at the moment makes me feel ill, but that is my moral compass. It is going to hurt and probably feel like the worst pain you have ever been in but it will ease and every day gets a little better, I know once I have let her go properly I will be ok and need to concentrate on me for a change but it is the hardest thing I have had to do ever. It is easy for people to say don't feel this or don't go back there and in your head, you will know that this is right, but your heart will be hurting. That is normal and the hurt will help you heal but it will take time. Keep yourself busy, go for walks, take yourself to the gym or out for lunch, join a club or start reading more. Be kind to yourself, you are the one that is hurting and it will take time. Keep talking, I have found writing helps me when I am in a dark place I write to her almost daily, getting your thoughts and feelings out and reading them back to yourself helps. At least like me, you can say you did do everything you could, you loved them unconditionally and you can hold your head up high, I may have lost my self-confidence, my best friend and the love of my life but I still have my self-respect... .#onelove
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blooming
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« Reply #5 on: April 23, 2018, 09:14:50 AM »

I'm gonna be honest with you and straight forward with you. The feelings you are feeling right now are of grief. You seem like an amazing girl, to be able to go through so much and still have your self respect intact.

Why do you think I still have my self respect in tact? I don't think I do, I never had a lot of self respect. Went through anorexia nervosa and still struggle with extreem low self esteem. I wish I had more self respect though, I just can't look at myself in that way.

Excerpt
Remember, this may seem like its the end but its the beginning. Let me ask you something would you want to really take this person back despite all the damage he/she has done to you. They always say once a cheater always a cheater. Whether he admits it or not, that doesn't matter anymore. BPD's will never admit to anything unless caught red-handed and even at that the embarassment is too much for them to handle so they cut off ties. Everything is done on their terms, they have no empathy at all.

No I know it's over now, that I can never take him back again, that the trust I gave him can never regained. I guess that's what makes it worse now, that I'm starting to realise that this really truly is the end of what we had together. I just wished he would admit it. It feels so disrespectful. Like he really doesn't care. After all we shared... .All the times he told me how happy he was to have me in his life, how he hoped we would stay together for a very long time, how it felt different with me.

Excerpt
They may seem like the most caring people, but its all a mask. You give into their needs, and if you don't they are off to the next. They can never be satisified with one person thats the thing, because their needs are constantly evolving.

But how is it that he could have been happy with me for a year then? And that he stayed together with one of his other girlfriends for 3 years (on/off)? It just feels like I failed him. That's pretty much what he says too.

Excerpt
You will find someone that actually will never do those things to you. I am a pretty young guy myself, and I thought it was the end of the world when my ex suddenly decided to marry someone else, all in a matter of 4 days. But you see the thing is that, im not mad at her, I maintained my boundaries and my limits. I wanted to marry when I felt ready, the same way that you should be preparing yourself is that anyone that deserves to be in your life has to work for it. Why should you be the one putting in all the effort, when he's doing this. You have to remember that whether we like it or not we are attached to the IDEA of the person, not the REALITY. As for whether he has BPD or not is another struggle, and should not be anything for you to wander you mind over, but what you should be worried about is how your going to put an end to this, and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. I'm sure you will find the one, give it time, hang out with your friends, EXERCISE its the best thing. Music is another remedy, good luck and you can always talk here. Let me know what you think.

The two psychologists I talked too both said that they usually never diagnose someone without seeing them, but that with him all the signs are so very clear that he most definitely has a personality disorder, with borderline being the most probable one. So that's not really a question anymore I guess. But still I picture him now with a new girl, who will be able to make him happy, and I feel like such a loser. Why couldn't I keep him with me longer? What did I do wrong? Apparently he's able to have longer relationships (although it was on/off, still), so why not with me?

Excerpt
P.S.
You have to stop blaming yourself, theres nothing you could have done. It's not your fault, you were manipulated by lies and thats the worst feeling. Keep your head up, your a survivor.

It is the worst feeling. I really don't know how to cope. I wish he would realise what he has done to me. I thought he cared.
Logged

I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
blooming
****
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 369


« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2018, 09:22:23 AM »

Oh Dear!
I can just feel your pain; I'm so sorry that you are going through this, Blooming.

There is a  saying, "Leave gently," and while you were with the man you loved so much, I hope you take pride in the fact that you can admit to yourself -- and the world -- that you DID try your best to take care of him.

I tried my best, but I think that at times I was as selfish as he later made me out to be. He said I never made him priority, it was always about me, I never thought of him, I was arrogant etc. I should have made time for him, should have quit more committees earlier, should have seen my friends less, should have made clearer to him how important he was to me, should have asked him more often how he was doing. I failed him.

Excerpt
There's not much that holds a candle to the bludgeoning cruelty that a BPD is able to inflict on a loved one.

I'm glad that you found this site. The one observation I have is that you will read hundreds of accounts from survivors/thrivers of a BPD breakup who are "charmed" by their past love once a subsequent affair breaks off -- they go back to what promises to be a fresh start/Honeymoon -- only to be back at Step One of recovery at the whim/or humiliating cruelties of their BPD. How many times would you want to go through what you are experiencing right this minute?

This is already the fourth time I'm going through it. First break up was in november, after that we had 3 recycles that varied in length. The last time it was kind of me ending it, because he didn't want to commit and clearly didn't love me as much as he used to and pretty much only wanted me around because otherwise he would be lonely. And now, finding out that he cheated on me when our relationship was still amazing in my eyes, it's just something I could never get over. I just don't understand how he could do that to me. Didn't he love me?

Excerpt
Struggler123 is right in asking the question of whether you would actually want this person back in your life. Can you imagine/ actually visualize how much you would have to get past?

Would you really want a return to the walking on eggshells? ... .The "why are you looking at me like that," questioning that BPD's impose and the fear that you may not be able to talk your way out of their impending rage? The drain on financial and time/social resources?

You seem strong. You are dignified. We have confidence that you can get through this without ever going back.

... .You taking care... .of You.

Wow yes, I've heard that "why are you looking at me like that" phrase so many times. All the time it was so draining talking myself out of his rages, or letting it wash over me acting like his words didn't hurt me when they very much did. But still, I can't be angry with him. I miss him so much. I'm blaming it all on me. I don't understand how we lost what he had when it was so good.
Logged

I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
blooming
****
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 369


« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2018, 09:47:59 AM »

Im glad to hear that there is no going back, at this stage your emotions are still scrambling your logic about whats happened. You are lucky to have friends and family who have seen the hurt it has caused and are there to protect you from more happening.

I don't think any more will happen. If he had any respect or sympathy left for me he would have been honest.

Excerpt
so much of your story I see classic parts of BPD behaviour everywhere. this guy is a manipulator, and he has got you questioning your self worth.

far from being your "world" he put you through all this pain, not contacted you since he has been discovered, and still doesnt have the moral backbone to take at least a big part of that pain away by apologising, and letting you move on.

This 2.5 weeks is a bit more of a stand off, he is waiting to see if you contact him or not. he isnt too desperate because he already triangulated behind your back, and dont believe that you are so unlucky to happen to be the first ever r/s he has ever done this. highly unlikely.

You really think he isn't done with this? I almost can't believe that he would try to win me back again. But you're right, the fact that he hasn't apologised really really really isn't okay. He really thinks he can get away I guess. Do you think that he didn't want to admit it because he wants to keep the door open?

And I think you're right, I'm probably not the first one. Like I wrote when I made this topic, it is highly likely he has cheated on his "favourite" girlfriend for half a year because he (irregularly) slept with an ex at that time. I don't know how often it happened, but it must have happened at least some times. Because that ex had sex with him on and off from summer 2014 to summer 2015 and he broke up with that girlfriend january 2015 and went on holiday with her in summer 2014. It is possible that they were broken up for sometime in between, but there must have been some overlap. It's almost inevitable I guess? But not sure of course.

Excerpt
if you do contact him, it would automatically put him at ease about his guilt over being discovered the cheating, not that he admits it anyway, but it shows that you still want to have him back regardless. the ball is in his court. Also with the passage of time, he hopes that the intitial shock and anger will ebb down, he doesnt have to answer difficult questions you may have and the fact that he knows how high you felt for him, that it will be hard to not see him for this length of time, hes using it not as a punishment but as a way of controlling you by playing with your emotions.

You really think this is the case? That would be very low of him. I really don't believe he'll come back. If he's really thinking this, then at least that means that he isn't sure if I believe him or not, which would be nice. Because that's also still something I struggle with. That I'm afraid he thinks he got away with it and that I believe him. But my friends and family told me it is better not to further contact him about it.

Excerpt
as for feeling bad that he hasnt been harassing you like previous r/s he has been in. trust me, you are very lucky if that becomes the case, it is still early days, id take this opportunity to fade-out of the scene slowly. you dont want to be harassed and stalked by a discarded BPD, it was one of the worst experiences ever. if he hadnt already set up another option, which appears he has, then you could have expected this to happen, especially if you had discarded him.

We'll see, but I really don't think he will this time. I really think he doesn't care about me anymore. He has cut me off. When I contacted him about the cheating he didn't even ask me how I was doing or anything like that. It just hurts so much that it seems that the fact we're separated doesn't hurt him at all. I mean, if he could already cheat on me back then without showing ANY remorse (otherwise I would have noticed) and apparently didn't care about me back then either, he know definitely doesn't.

Excerpt
its probably the first time in my life ive said to someone "i hope you get angry", i actually really mean it, blooming!

if ever there was a time to express your anger, it is now. You say you "never get angry at someone", I think the truth really is you "never express your anger at someone".

please express it, take ownership of it, and release it appropiately to those who have hurt you. it will do you a great deal of hurt by keeping it within and probably explains a lot of what comes across as confused thinking about the role of victim and persecutor, lines being blurred in your story.

I don't know. I really don't feel any anger. Just sadness for failing him and not being good enough.

Excerpt
I suppose if you didnt give him sex whenever he wanted you to, that means you have failed him and you have basically allowed him to go and get sex elsewhere?

of course not. except... .

Exactly in the mind of how a PD thinks. (Ergo) this is the type of thinking pattern you are missing out on.

This is your time more than ever to be angry, your allowed to be angry, allow yourself to be, dont suppress it. I really think you managed to get away very fortunate, we all have different sensitivities im not comparing, but maybe in time youll realise that you dodged a bullet, once you have had time to get over this raw state and the shock of it all.

good luck overcoming this experience, blooming

Why do you think I dodged a bullet? It really doesn't feel like I was lucky haha. I've been through this hell of him leaving me and coming back only to realise that he didn't want me after all 4 times already. And now the cheating too.

By the way, I realised that I remember that he was very stressed in that period he cheated on me. He needed to make some exams the week after that and if he didn't pass them he wouldn't be able to start his Masters degree. I remember the tuesday after that weekend he was very irritated with me all the time and apologised for it later, saying he was being sorry for being so grumpy and taking all of his irritation/frustration out on me. Do you think the fact that he was this stressed could have something to do with him cheating?
Logged

I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
blooming
****
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 369


« Reply #8 on: April 23, 2018, 10:08:01 AM »

I just read back some of our old chat conversations that I have saved on my computer and realised that some things happened in that period he cheated on me and it wasn't as perfect as I remembered.

- The week after he cheated on me he was very stressed and taking out all of his stress on me, being irritated with me and grumpy a lot. He apologised for that though. It was because he needed to pass certain exams.

- He got angry with me because I had hurt him during sex and he was saying that he didn't feel like having sex with me anymore because I just lay there and just underwent it in his opinion, I didn't show any initiative. "You hurting me isn't the only thing that needs to change" and stuff like that. And when I sent him a pretty heartfelt and open message about how I understood what he was saying but that it was hard for me to be more confident if he said these things and didn't give any advice, he got very angry and irritated. He also said he never talked about his feelings so it was hard for him to understand me.

- He got angry with me because I went to a party at our rowing association, which he had decided to start hating in the year we were together. And het got even angrier when I didn't reply to a message he said because I was at that party.

- When he was angry with me he wrote a song about his ex girlfriend saying he made the wrong decision and that he was now loving a soulmate parted life and things like that.
Logged

I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
Cromwell
`
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #9 on: April 23, 2018, 02:54:49 PM »

Hi Blooming,

if you really cant feel anger, good for you, you might be one of these enviable stoic personalities that I aspire to. I went through a lot and I suppressed the anger, I never realised how much I carried until quite a few months until after the r/s ended. it surprises me how powerful the mind can put things into denial, yet these emotions dont just disappear.

Its time to question everything, but not try to solve the crime. if you were like me, you were happy in the R/S because you gave your trust to this person, you didnt feel the need to question the things they said. Its why it hits hard, and comes as a shock, the defences were down, the guard was down. The internal alarm bells are blaring, but we can dampen them down, eventually they become filtered out like if you worked on a building site all day, you dont notice the pneumatic drill like a passer by does.

its not that you werent good enough, no-one is good enough. idolised at first yes, but theres nothing you or anyone can do to fix the inner void. A highly trained therapist might stand a chance, but thats about it. Above all, dont take any of it personally, it is behaviour that he has before and will continue to do to others he meets, incorrigibly.

Once I started to get a grip, there wasnt any value of spending time with a person where every word that came from her mouth I intentionally couldnt accept as reality, however banal it was, without having a 3rd party verification done on it. Not exactly, getting into "the mood" anymore right? All of a sudden I would get compliments about how "smart" I was. Never before did I get compliments about how caring or loving because such terms dont exist in their mind like they do for people with empathy. Many people with BPD ive read on other forums will claim they have high levels of empathy and know how other people feel, my ex herself said she could "read a person like a book". it is nonsense and arrogance. They can mirror and plagiarise feelings, they can have empathy for themselves (mines could break down and blubber about herself) they can role play concern, but they cant feel it. He doesnt know at the emotional level what you are going through now, so what use it is to offer you his help, a sort of ironic slap in the face considering hes the one responsible for making you feel this way in the first place! (not that he accepts that either, that really would require empathy on his part, for which he is way too emotionally underdeveloped/undercooked to have got to).

Its why it is so hurtful for many here that feel (the same as I do), that their BPDx could cause so much heartbreak, yet appear to go off in the distance without a care in the world, as long as there is someone else out there they can continue on with. (very much different when they dont, then you see empathy, but note again, it is empathy for the self and self alone).

His apology of being irritated with you as a result of exam stress is insincere to me. But backs up what I said earlier about the way of thinking. "I cheated on you, im sorry, but you didnt give me enough sex". or how about like mine slamming her first through the glass table "im sorry, but you did make me angry". It is still not taking responsibility as it puts you into questioning whether you might be part of the blame for him being stressed and therefore deserving of his tantrums. the "im sorry but you made me do it" disordered victim blaming mindset.

I think you dodged a bullet, absolutely, the more you reveal about it. At the moment you have been grazed, be honest with yourself, do you really expect that things would change, or get better from what has happened to you already? If you "forgave" him, which you cant because he denied it, but if you carried on with it, having this boundary pushed over, its just a green light to go even further isnt it? The same with an undisciplined child, will escalate until it finds the limit of what it can get away with.

As for worried about if he thinks he got away with it, he didnt get away with it, going No Contact is the action without words that my ex didnt get away with it. Im not saying that I believe he will feel any significant guilt, it would be just transient until the defence mechanisms bolt it down. As time goes on they forget about us easily. its part of the futility in trying to think about what they are thinking, chances are we no longer exist, (object permenance).

no one can say if he does try to contact you eventually, but I can say, dont put it past him to try when his options have run out. This could be weeks, months even years. See some of the posts here where they have got back in touch years later. Looking back, my ex was shameless about doing so but that is perfectly understandable when you realise you are dealing with people who havent yet developed that emotion yet.

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blooming
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 369


« Reply #10 on: April 24, 2018, 03:44:50 PM »

Hi Blooming,

if you really cant feel anger, good for you, you might be one of these enviable stoic personalities that I aspire to. I went through a lot and I suppressed the anger, I never realised how much I carried until quite a few months until after the r/s ended. it surprises me how powerful the mind can put things into denial, yet these emotions dont just disappear.

Oh I hope I don't experience that! I just don't feel any anger at the moment because I keep blaming myself for everything and can't really see his part in this.

Excerpt
Its time to question everything, but not try to solve the crime. if you were like me, you were happy in the R/S because you gave your trust to this person, you didnt feel the need to question the things they said. Its why it hits hard, and comes as a shock, the defences were down, the guard was down. The internal alarm bells are blaring, but we can dampen them down, eventually they become filtered out like if you worked on a building site all day, you dont notice the pneumatic drill like a passer by does.

its not that you werent good enough, no-one is good enough. idolised at first yes, but theres nothing you or anyone can do to fix the inner void. A highly trained therapist might stand a chance, but thats about it. Above all, dont take any of it personally, it is behaviour that he has before and will continue to do to others he meets, incorrigibly.

But how can I not take it personally when his attacks always were so personal? Hitting me right where it hurts? I keep reading back some of our worst conversations, where he kept saying that I was overanalysing everything, that he was irritated by my long messages on whatsapp, that it was always all about me, that there was always something up with me. When I read those conversations I agree with him. I hate myself in those conversations.

Excerpt
Once I started to get a grip, there wasnt any value of spending time with a person where every word that came from her mouth I intentionally couldnt accept as reality, however banal it was, without having a 3rd party verification done on it. Not exactly, getting into "the mood" anymore right? All of a sudden I would get compliments about how "smart" I was. Never before did I get compliments about how caring or loving because such terms dont exist in their mind like they do for people with empathy. Many people with BPD ive read on other forums will claim they have high levels of empathy and know how other people feel, my ex herself said she could "read a person like a book". it is nonsense and arrogance. They can mirror and plagiarise feelings, they can have empathy for themselves (mines could break down and blubber about herself) they can role play concern, but they cant feel it. He doesnt know at the emotional level what you are going through now, so what use it is to offer you his help, a sort of ironic slap in the face considering hes the one responsible for making you feel this way in the first place! (not that he accepts that either, that really would require empathy on his part, for which he is way too emotionally underdeveloped/undercooked to have got to).

Its why it is so hurtful for many here that feel (the same as I do), that their BPDx could cause so much heartbreak, yet appear to go off in the distance without a care in the world, as long as there is someone else out there they can continue on with. (very much different when they dont, then you see empathy, but note again, it is empathy for the self and self alone).

Yes, that hurts so much. It really seems like he doesn't care at all about what he did to me. He's just going on with his life, without a care in the world. He's seeing his friends, having a great time with them, probably seeing girls etc. This is something I struggle with a lot too. How can he have such great friends and a loving mother, how can he function so well on that aspect of his life (although he lost a lot of his old friends, but his current friends he has had for almost 5 years now)? If he can function so well there, then it must be me who caused all this, me who did something wrong? Otherwise you'd signs of his problems in that part too right?

Excerpt
His apology of being irritated with you as a result of exam stress is insincere to me. But backs up what I said earlier about the way of thinking. "I cheated on you, im sorry, but you didnt give me enough sex". or how about like mine slamming her first through the glass table "im sorry, but you did make me angry". It is still not taking responsibility as it puts you into questioning whether you might be part of the blame for him being stressed and therefore deserving of his tantrums. the "im sorry but you made me do it" disordered victim blaming mindset.

I think you dodged a bullet, absolutely, the more you reveal about it. At the moment you have been grazed, be honest with yourself, do you really expect that things would change, or get better from what has happened to you already? If you "forgave" him, which you cant because he denied it, but if you carried on with it, having this boundary pushed over, its just a green light to go even further isnt it? The same with an undisciplined child, will escalate until it finds the limit of what it can get away with.

It doesn't feel like I've only been grazed, it feels like the bullet hit me right in the middle. But you're right, it will not change. But I don't really need to think about that I think because he won't come back anyway. He doesn't care anymore.

Excerpt
As for worried about if he thinks he got away with it, he didnt get away with it, going No Contact is the action without words that my ex didnt get away with it. Im not saying that I believe he will feel any significant guilt, it would be just transient until the defence mechanisms bolt it down. As time goes on they forget about us easily. its part of the futility in trying to think about what they are thinking, chances are we no longer exist, (object permenance).

no one can say if he does try to contact you eventually, but I can say, dont put it past him to try when his options have run out. This could be weeks, months even years. See some of the posts here where they have got back in touch years later. Looking back, my ex was shameless about doing so but that is perfectly understandable when you realise you are dealing with people who havent yet developed that emotion yet.
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I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
Cromwell
`
********
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2018, 03:30:54 PM »

You were "over analysing" for a reason.

My only regret was dampening down my intuition and suspicions. Turns out you had something to be over analysing after all, because I remember you said before that "everything was going perfect" or along those lines, and then the shock came. Could it be possible that whilst you held on to the happy times, you were maybe sweeping away some suspicions and this came out in the texts?

I only suggest this to you because this definatly was the case for me. Mistakes I made was to be right about things, but because I couldnt conclusively prove them I told myself "dont be paranoid", and so on.

As you brought it up, how is his relationship with his mother, is he very close? I found my ex to be almost emotionally incestously linked to hers, and I learned a bit about that.

A lot of what you think at the moment is unlikely to be accurate, on the surface it might seem he is happy, for the most part it is the same charade in order not to be lonely, just like he did with you, except he got rumbled. Dont put yourself down too much, the likelihood is that he saw you as too difficult to manipulate in the long term and has found more gullible targets.

despite what you went through and what you feel now, your likely to be a lot more of a stronger person that you might think.
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