Shall l apologise..? Saving friendship at any cost

[FaithfulInLove]

I have holidays booked in 2 weeks - with my ex who doesn't talk to me anymore.

I don't even care about that trip anymore, but that we aren't talking is heavy for me.

A month ago (when l was still hoping to work things out) he told me he's having a date and when l said l need some space to get over our relationship, so our friendship can work out, he first "understood", then got angry because l was "ignoring him". He accused me of being selfish and not being there when he needs me.
I gave it a few days felt bad, tried to explain again, but he said "our friendship can't work out if l always react that way when he tries to be happy". I promised l wouldn't, l want him to be happy. He blocked me. Unblocked me again. That was the last thing l heard from him.

I sent him a letter, telling him the space was needed, that our friendship can work out now.
I guess l was too positive - and by that hurtfully invalidating. Explained too much, said l'd understand if that hurt him but didn't really apologise for that... .

He is in a relationship with an ex for two weeks now. He doesn't know for sure that l know about that.
I reached out to him again a few days ago, asked if the letter has arrived after waiting for 3 weeks. Told him he mattered to me and that our friendship does. No reaction.
On social media he's quite silent, even posted he won't be online a lot anymore. Guess he's busy with her or wants to upset me as he knows I'm still following and reading his posts.

My mum said l should just give it time until the trip (2 more weeks), then ask him if he'll be there as we planned - but that sounds even more invalidating to me... .opinions?

l should've gotten his silent message by now and most likely he's trying to punish me right now, by ignoring me "back" and cancelling the trip l paid for, which he knows was important to me... .(he broke up with me in the first place for changing plans and abandoning him on a special day... .perfect revenge!  )

Could apologising make things better? I feel like a fool, acting as if nothing bad happened while clearly I've hurt him with my behaviour (making him feel like l don't care). I don't think more space will make things better if he thinks l don't care... .He is used to a lot of begging, pleading and crying from my side. I'm acting quite strong for so long, but I'm actually feeling quite desperate because HE DOES MEAN SO MUCH TO ME and l can't believe he doesn't see it... .that illness is so horrible!

Maybe he doesn't care about our friendship because he has a replacement, but in the future when things have cooled down, maybe it'll be easier for him to forgive and get back to talking when he sees that l have realised what l did there?

I'd be happy about opinions and advice.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

I think you should go on the vacation by yourself or take someone else with you.

Do not reach out anymore to him, and wait for him to reach out to you when he is ready. We wouldnt give you advice on here, if it wasnt to help you. Yet, youve done completely the opposite of everything we have recommended to you. We have your best interest here, and are going through similar situations as you.

What do we know?
You've reached out, sent a letter, followed him on social media. Sent many signs and he has the ball in his court. He has chosen not to respond. He is in a new relationship, and you need to respect that. Its not always about what you want.

Ouch. I know.

As much as it hurts. As much as it sucks, you need to focus on yourself and grow without him. Put all that time and energy into something else. Its going to be hard, but you obsessing over him isnt healthy and it shows needy behavior. How I know? Because I've done it.

Learn to build some self respect and confidence. Stop blaming yourself, and punishing yourself for the breakup. His silent treatment is meant to punish you, and youre allowing it to happen.

Please do not reach out anymore as it will potentially make matters worse.

[FaithfulInLove]

I am sorry... .

I feel like l deserve being punished and l thought it would be good to talk about this.

I made a mistake when l wasn't there when he was reaching out before l came to this forum. That's what I'm feeling bad about. I treated him like a person without BPD, I didn't see the pain he must've been in when l wasn't there. I feel selfish, l feel everything he accused me of. 
I'm scared that everyone's advice is only for me to feel better, not about saving what I've ruined there, which would be so important to me.

Thanks for still being there, CryWolf - I'm just going crazy here, I'm so scared my most important person will hate me forever because l hurt him and l deserve it.

Begging and pleading never brought him back into a relationship with me, but it helped us getting back to talking terms - which is my only goal at the moment - I'm panicking so much that l make things worse by being so different, by staying silent. What l learn here is so new for me, it scares me. Do you understand my worries?

[CryWolf]

Don't be sorry, we are here for you. But you have to trust us. I know its hard, when every feeling in your gut wants to reconnect with that person. But trust me, time is your friend. You want to keep wanting to contact because it gives your brain any hope that they will respond and you get a high momentarily. But long term, you contacting them and reaching out, it alleviates any curiosity or anxiety they had about you. Anxiety causes attraction. Think about the long game, not the short term game. Things like this dont get resolved overnight.

Its easy to blame yourself and take responsibility, but like jessica said, you did the best with the tools you had at the moment. This helped me a lot with accepting things, and stop blaming myself so much for always having to explain myself.

my exBPD accused me of so many things that werent true, "you dont love me... .youre only with me for ___... .youre cheating on me" etc. And of course I would look at my actions and wonder why she was accusing me of this, and I would explain myself and make my case because I was always panicking she would leave me again.

You call him your most important person, but I think you need to reshift that to make yourself the most important person. No one should be above you. And thats something Ive been practicing. Ive been taking myself out and doing me and its helping me let things go.

Do you really want to have someone in your life if it results you in begging for them? I don't think anyone should have to force someone to be in their life that doesnt want to stay. Ive begged and pleaded, and it wasnt good. It pushes people away. If they do come back, chances are they will resent you. You begging and pleading someone to stay that doesnt want to stay is selfish. If they want to leave, respect them and let them go. Let them come back on their own terms.

Youve read my posts, so yes I know what youre going through. But at a point, you need to stop doing what doesnt work. You need to have some dignity and respect for yourself and put yourself first. Be happy with or without them.

[CryWolf]

Hey how are you doing? Any updates?

[FaithfulInLove]

I appreciate it so much that you're asking and your previous text, CryWolf, thank you!
There are no updates unfortunately. He's not talking to me and I'm crying through my days and nights. Can't believe I've lost my best friend and favourite person.