I felt like I was not going crazy. I read basic traits that described my spouse perfectly. I’ve spent the last 72 hours reading everything I could find on the topic and find the possibility of my spouse having BPD both relieving and terrifying.
Now what do I do next?
Hi Willy. Welcome.
You've spent years dealing with this, and suddenly you have some answers. So your brain is probably spinning. It's normal.
First thing you might want to do is let this settle a bit. Because you might suddenly have some guilt that you didn't see this information before now. You might have some denial that you can look at a list of traits and have it exactly describe her. Maybe some anxiety because you want this fixed. right. now. While having emotions is fine, these specific ones aren't going to do you much good.
So read more, and definitely write more. What the writing does is allow you to start gathering pieces of the puzzle that is your specific relationship. And as you share them, you'll obviously get feedback. For example, you wrote about your wife making last year's trip a nightmare. That's fear of abandonment. A DSM-listed trait. You also wrote about your spouse threatening to kill herself. The specific reasons she did it vary, but that's a DSM-listed trait as well... ."... .suicidal behavior, gestures or threats... ."
Another item to start focusing on in the early stages is communication. It's a big deal in any relationship, and in yours, you get the added burden of communicating with someone who says irrational things, as well as incredibly hurtful things. You'll be able to roll with the punches better if you avoid taking her words personally, and avoid blaming her for a mental illness that is out of her control.
You have a few weeks until your trip. You'll get some ideas on that.
Please keep us updated and ask as many questions as you need. There are a lot of resources here.
-ngu
