Cutting the relationship with my mother

[AnaiD]

Hello all, i found this site yesterday and have read so much already, it has been so useful and I have had many "aha" moments while reading!

I am thinking about cutting all relationship with my mother, forever. Yesterday we had yet another argument and I realized how toxic and degraded was our relationship and that it is not worth it to keep someone so unstable in my life.

For as long as i remember my mom struggled with her emotions, I am almost certain that she suffers from BPD. I studied psychology and I think I chose that career in part to understand everything that was going on in my life.

My reasons for not talking to her are many, but recently (3 months ago) I had my second baby and she came from overseas to "help" me. She is currently living in Cuba and I am in Portugal. My first mistake was not to ask her for how much she was thinking on staying with us... .With our firstborn she stayed for over a year and a half and it was too much to handle... .

Anyway she came before my due date and everything was fine, she told me she didnt want to meddle in our lives and so on... .(Past issues... ) But... .My 2 yearold became sick and she stayed with him at home while i worked... .At work i started receiving photos of my baby crying on the couch... .Crying next to the door... And laying on the floor... Just the pictures. So i left work... .When I arrived it was total chaos... .Had to put baby to nap without eating. She had drunk half a bottle of wine and proceeded to lecture me about everything that was wrong with my child, she told me he was a little monster, everything she had wished me not to be, that he was spoiled... Etc... .I am not a perfect mom but it was very hard to hear. But i managed not to argue about it and keep it cool, she just needed time to adjust

So... .In the meantime (2 weeks later) i gave birth to my beautiful baby boy and a few days later i was feeling good, everything was ok and we were all having dinner at the table (my husband, 2yo, mother and me). And suddenly... .She gives a teaspoon of probiotics to my 2yo... .My husband asks what it is cause he didnt know and she just told him is was some probiotics the baby needed cause he was always sick... .My husband flipped out because she hadnt consulted with him if she could give her supplements and at the time he didnt even know what probiotics were... .A very big argument started and i just cried, couldnt do much more for a couple of days.

My mom after the argument proceeded to give me and my husband the silent treatment... .I asked her why she wasnt talking to me since i didnt even said a word, and she said i didnt stood up for her and that i didnt care for her and so on... .So a month went by, a month of not talking to anyone and leaving the house as soon as she woke up... .

After a month I tried to talk to her again, couldnt keep control (the hormones from the pregnancy didnt help!) and we started arguing instead of talking. So... .After a few days she was just like nothing had happened and started helping out on the house and talking to me... .She told me she was going back to Cuba but needed me to lend her money, so ok we did and she got the ticket to go back.

Yesterday she said she wanted us to lend her more money to take to Cuba, and i said no... .So she gave me the silent treatment again... .After 15 minutes i asked, "whats wrong?" and then she bursts saying i dont love her, that she should have had more children, and that she wished she wouldnt have to see me again.

I lost it and said: Then you wont see me again, and have in mind i dont change my mind so easily as you. She then started to insult me some more, but i stopped her and told her not to talk to me at all.

I cant deal with this toxicity right now, i should be focusing on my boys and my relationship (which has suffered a lot since she came)

Should i stay strong and keep her out? It hurts me so much cause i really wanted my boys to have their grandma... .And also I dont have any other relatives here in Portugal, everyone is very far away... .I dont really talk about my friends about this... .So feeling quite lonely, sometimes i question myself, maybe I am being an ungrateful daughter... .I dont know

Anyways, writing this wall of text was good, needed to vent a little (lot)

[Mutt]

Hi Anaid,

It’s s lot on your plate right now you have s two year old and a baby it’s a lot of work and the fiction from your mom doesn’t help. I’m sorry that you’re going through this are you thinking about goimg no contact after she leaves? I’m glad that you have found helpful resources here 

[Harri]

Hi AnaiD and welcome to the boards!  I am glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  Congratulations on the birth of your baby!  

When is your mother leaving?  I know it is soon I am just wondering how much longer she will be with you.  I certainly understand why you want to keep her behavior far away from you and your kids.  Between the mood swings and her drinking I would be hesitant to have her help watch the kids for anytime at all.  

It is up to you if you want to cut contact.  There are many people here who have done so.  It is also possible to remain in contact but with boundaries in place that protect you and your children from her toxic behavior.  Regardless of what you choose to do, we can support you as you work your way through this decision.  

How frequently does she visit?  Would you ever feel comfortable telling her she can only stay for one week?  Two?  One month?  You do have the right to set a time limit on her visit.  I can't imagine a visit for three months never mind a year and a half!  Yikes.  Were you uncomfortable or scared to tell her she had to leave?  

Something needs to change that's for sure.  Like I said, I don't know if you should cut all contact but certainly end this visit sooner rather than later.  Then you will have time to relax, get back on track with your kids and your husband and talk things out here as you make your decision.

[Brkfst@Tiffanys]

I cant deal with this toxicity right now, i should be focusing on my boys and my relationship (which has suffered a lot since she came)

Should i stay strong and keep her out? It hurts me so much cause i really wanted my boys to have their grandma... .And also I dont have any other relatives here in Portugal, everyone is very far away... .I dont really talk about my friends about this... .So feeling quite lonely, sometimes i question myself, maybe I am being an ungrateful daughter... .I dont know

So glad you found the forum! I know the feeling of not being able to deal with the toxic relationship. I don't have kids, but I recently "broke up" with my mom (in February).

What helped me is knowing that I did everything in my power to try to make the relationship work except being willing to cross over my own boundaries. I set out those boundaries clearly for her and offered to discuss/explain/adjust them if she felt they were unfair. I put out multiple different suggestions for how we resolved our issues (i.e., her issues with me, since she wouldn't tell me why she was mad at me) and told her I was happy to hear her suggestions. By refusing to engage with me in a meaningful or genuine way each time I reached out, that told me that she would only accept 100% deference... .no boundaries allowed. To be honest, I was hoping she'd mess up in a big way, so that I felt justified in breaking up with her, but she didn't. However, my therapist told me I didn't owe her anything that came at the expense of my own mental health. When my mom crossed that line, even though it wasn't in any major blow-up, I said I'd had enough. I told her I wouldn't contact her further but that when she was ready to talk about our issues in a constructive, productive, and respectful way, my door was open.

She's not invited to my wedding, and I am sticking to my decision not to involve her in my life until she comes back in on mutually agreeable terms. I feel sad, but I do feel like I did the right thing. I rely on the fact that I went above and beyond for her, but that it's ok to draw a line somewhere and say enough is enough.

Hope this perspective helps!

[AnaiD]

Thank you all for the feedback! I had already read it but between breastfeedings and cooking and cleaning I dont have much time to write.

Answering your questions; she is leaving on the 9th of may. Mothers day will be on the 6th of may... .And her birthday is on the 7th of may... .We are not talking and i dont plan to start any communication cause i know it will just end in a argument. She will play the victim for everyone else I know... .Cause I wont be there for her on mothers day or her birthday... .On my own birthday (2nd if april) she didnt let my grandma come to my house to have dinner with us... .I really care for my "grandma", even though we are not related by blood she was married to my grandpa (from my fathers side) and she is always there when I need her... .Well she couldnt come to MY house because my mother threw a tantrum saying it was her day and that she hated her cause she was trying to steal me from her... .(What?)... .

I do feel there are issues that when i bring them up they will 100% end up in a big argument, and one of those issues is how long does she plan on staying with us... .So i try to avoid it as much as i can, i hate conflict... .

I am planing on cutting all ties, forever. But losing hope that someone might change is hard... .

[Harri]

AnaiD, hello.  Thanks for getting back to this even tho you are so busy.

Well, at least you know what will set off a big argument.  I think though you need to focus on what is right for you rather than just avoiding conflict.  It does not sound like conflict avoidance has been all that healthy when it has worked and that sometimes it does not work at all. 

No contact may be the best choice for you and we can help you with that.  It is hard to let go of hope and it hurts.  In some ways I still hope for a normal mother daughter relationship and my mother has been dead since 2007. 

So do you plan to tell her after she flies home or will you tell her right before she leaves? 

[AnaiD]

Harri, what a well chosen quote you have! I like it

In my head I have already cut all contact with her. In our last argument she told me she didnt want to see me again (she had already told me that several times during the last years) but this time I answered and told her she won't see me then, and won't talk either. That's it. She has been away since yesterday, probably at a friend's house... .and I feel better.

I wish I had found this community before, it's great to be able to read similar stories and to know you are not alone in this kind of struggle

[Harri]

Hi again AnaiD!

I am glad you feel better and are resolved in your decision to go no contact, or in this case, honor her request.  I did something similar back when my mother got mad and started the silent treatment with me.  I never backed down and never called her like she and my brother and father expected me to.  when she finally did call me about a year and a half later to make peace (?) I had had time to learn about BPD behaviors, begin to disengage emotionally and had boundaries.  I did not let her get away with trying to blame me or make me feel guilty.  I stuck to my guns on that.  She learned quickly not to try her usual tricks.  (Tho I have to say she had tried to use my brother and father to communicate with me before she ever called me herself.  That was a whole other can of worms to deal with  )

Even tho you 'only' found us now, we can still help you as you process the change in the relationship.  You may find that certain emotions arise.  or maybe not.  Either way we can relate and support you if you need it.  In the meantime, enjoy your well earned peace.